Her True Form

“Yvette, Yvette, snap out of it!” Gervas’ voice tore through her ears. A harsh slap to her cheek made her start, shaking her head.

“W-what? What happened? What?” she asked, staring up into the darkness. Her cheeks were aching as if she had been slapped over and over. Then she realized it was BECAUSE she had been slapped over and over. Her whole body ached as well. She could feel his hands on her shoulder, kneeling besides her.

“Are you okay? Can you talk to me? Speak,” Gervas said, his voice panicked and frightened.

Yvette let out a groan, trying to shake the fog that seemed to envelop her mind. “I just did. Gervas? Are you okay? What happened? Why are you...” She trailed off as everything flashed through her mind. Her stomach did a little twist when she realized it was just like when she had come out from under the effects of the siren root. Everything was becoming just a bit more clear, though it still seemed strange, as if she was viewing it through a lens.

They’d landed on the shore. It had been easy. The island itself wasn’t very large, no trees or plant life that could be seen. Nothing more than sand and rocks that rose up out of the sea. Her light spell had made moving easy, finding the sirens even easier. One of the many caves, just one with a soft, gentle humming coming from it. Dozens of the creatures.

They’d been so beautiful but strange. Their bodies were shaped almost like humans, but they had feet with massive talons, their arms a strange mix of wing and flippers. Their faces were incredibly human-like, yet fake. Almost too realistic and perfect to actually be human. They didn’t so much have hair as thin brown tendrils that seemed to flow down from the back of their head. She’d been awe struck at first.

They’d watched the creatures for a little bit, checking for movement. Some of them did move, walking around the large cavern that appeared to be their home. She and Gervas had waited and then ambushed one that stepped out from the cavern. It had all seemed so easy. He’d covered its mouth and she had held a blade to its throat. It had almost seemed to understand them. It at least understood what would happen if it screamed out.

She felt like an idiot.

Getting the tear had been easy. When they’d pinned it, it had actually started to cry. She’d allowed herself to be distracted. Using a vial, she had captured a few of the tears. She’d been so excited. So thrilled. It had all been so easy. It was all over.

She had barely put the vial in her bag a few moments before the singing had started. The most beautiful song she had ever heard.

A song that reverberated through her mind. Called to her. Told her she was welcomed. Wanted. That she was a friend. She’d turned to see another of the sirens. In that moment, all that had existed was that beautiful, wonderful song.

She played it over and over in her mind. She had crawled off of the siren and started to walk towards the singing one, entirely mesmerized. She could see the long, thick fangs in its mouth. The claws rising out from beneath the feathers of the wings. She could see the murderous intent inside its eyes. But she hadn’t cared. After all, the song promised her love and kindness. Then Gervas had grabbed her hand and pulled her away. She could still see the momentary look of surprise across the harpy’s face. She’d tried to pull away from him, but his grip had been too tight. He’d dragged her behind him into another one of the caves. He’d dragged her through the darkness, feebly grasping at strangely smooth walls and going through twisting tunnels that seemed to break off from each other wildly.

Then they were falling and sliding across stone and dirt. It felt as if they tumbled forever, though in the song controlled daze it could have been seconds or hours for all she knew. At least now she knew why her body was aching all over. Once they’d landed, he’d tried to shake her from its serenading spell.

The song still seemed to echo through the chamber, but it was strange and almost horrific, now. The caverns seemed to shift the melody, weakening it so she only felt a slight pull. She slowly held up her right hand and formed a small orb of light.

Her heart almost stopped when she saw Gervas. She’d never seen him like this. He looked terrified, kneeling over her. She’d seen him worried, but this was full terror. His eyes were wide and dilated, he was rocking back and forth. His hands were on her shoulders, trembling. Her stomach did a little jump and she felt the overwhelming urge to just hug him. Not because she was scared, but because she wanted so desperately to take that fear away.

So she did. She reached up and hugged him, tightly, pulling him against her. “It’s okay,” she whispered. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.”

To her surprise, he was hugging her back. She rested her head on his shoulder and took stock of where they were. Behind her there was an incline, not a very steep one. It took her a few moments to realize that they were stairs, ancient ones that had been worn away over centuries. Some of the outer edges of them still retained some shape, though the center, where they had slid down, were incredibly smooth.

Her eyes trailed over the rest of the chamber and she barely managed to suppress a whimper.

They were inside a dank crypt.

It seemed what she had thought were caves when they had first arrived weren’t caves after all, they were entrances and paths into an ancient tomb. Suddenly she felt that the sirens outside might not be such a dangerous threat. She could make out ancient stone statues against the wall, still standing eternally vigilant. She closed her eyes and reached out with her magic, trying to feel if there was any magic in this place. Crypts often did have defenses.

But there was nothing. Not even the small remnants of magic that betrayed old, long since triggered magic. She slowly opened her eyes and let them move around the chamber. It was definitely a crypt of some kind. She could see where the walls had been carved into. There was plenty of dust, but no cobwebs. In fact, there was no sign of any life, even insects.

She shuddered and then realized he was shaking still. He was still holding her, though she didn’t want to let him go. “It’s okay,” she whispered. “We’re going to get out of here.”

“No we’re not,” he said gently.

Yvette’s mouth fell open. Even with her aching body she could only barely resist pushing him away and just staring at him. “Of course we will. You managed to shake off their--” Her words died in her throat.

He hadn’t shaken it off at all. He was still shaking against her. That song hadn’t caused him to trust and go towards the sirens. It had triggered fear. Terror. She hugged him tighter, her left hand reaching around his back to touch her bracer and activate the correct reagents. “It’s going to be okay, I promise,” she whispered. It took a moment to make her magic flow into him, but once she did it took only another moment to force the siren’s magic out of him. She supposed she could have done the more brutal, violent method of slapping him a few times, but she didn’t feel that would be a good idea in his current state.

Slowly, his shaking stopped. But he didn’t let her go. “It’s going to be okay,” she whispered. “I promise. We’ll get through this.”

He let her go and tried to pull away, but she refused to release him. “Yvette, let me--”

“No,” she said gently, closing her eyes and resting her chin on his shoulder. “No. I felt that magic. It made me feel warm and invited. It made me feel wanted and loved. But you. It horrified you.”

“Yvette, now isn’t the--”

“It’s very much the time,” she finally said, slowly letting him go. He pulled back from her and she could see just how mud caked he was. She doubted she looked much better. There was some blood on his right arm, where it looked like it had grazed against the stone. “Now is the exact time.”

“We need to get out of here. Their song is weak now, but when the morning comes they’ll all be singing again. We won’t be safe here any--”

“What happened to you?” Yvette asked, cutting him off. She put her right hand against her side, using her magic to clean away the dirt and grime from her body. She felt a dozen different aches and scrapes but, fortunately, nothing that seemed too damaged. She glanced back towards the stairs they’d fallen down, but the angle of her light didn’t let her see how far up they went.

“I managed to shake it off and--”

“I don’t mean here. I mean before. That effect wasn’t natural. Back on the ship too. You were resistant. Why?”

There was no hiding it. She could see the way he tensed, the stubborn way he set his jaw. She reached out with her right hand and pushed her magic against him, cleaning the mud from his body. “Let me see your arm,” she said, not waiting for him to give her the go ahead before grabbing and pulling it close. Nothing seemed broken, though the arm was skinned slightly. It took only a few moments to close the wound back up.

He stared down at her. “Yvette, we need to go. If we plug our ears then--”

“Enchanting someone, altering their mind to your whims isn’t easy,” Yvette said softly. “But there are mages who can do it. Your grandmother was powerful. Was your mother too?”

“Yvette--”

“I need to know, Gervas.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Maybe. But that doesn’t change things.” She moved in closer to him, reaching a hand up and pressing it against his cheek. “I think you need me to know.”

His eyes widened slightly. “What? Why would--”

“Since we’ve started on this journey, since we met. You’ve spent so much time focusing on my problems that I think you’ve been ignoring your own. I saw it, the way you’d always get so paranoid. It really felt like you didn’t trust anyone.”

“Yvette, don’t--”

“But it makes sense. That terror? Your resistance? Even the dryad. Do you remember? You were able to see through the tree so easily.”

“Yvette, stop it,” he said, reaching a hand up and gripping her hand, pulling it away. “We don’t have time to--”

“How much did your mother tamper with your mind? How many times did she use magic on you to control you?” He froze, his eyes twitching. She didn’t stop, though. She knew she should, she could see the way he tensed up. But she couldn’t, not now. “Is that what she did to your father?”

“Yvette, stop. Don’t--”

“I’m a mage, Gervas. I know the way magic works. Permanent alterations are incredibly difficult. But short ones? They can be done. But the more you experience them, the more resistant you can become to them. Especially if done by an outside source. Even if they disappear--”

“Yvette!” he snapped, the shock on his face replaced with anger. “Don’t--”

“Did she control you? Is that why you’re so--”

“Yes!” he snapped, before reaching out and shoving her away from him so hard she fell over and skidded on the ground, more mud covering her clothes. “Yes. She did. Fine. You want to know? Then here!” he snapped, his fists clenching at his side and the fury rising with his voice. “She’d tamper with my mind whenever she pleased. Not just mine, though. Anyone’s. I watched people come to her, furious. Only to leave without any memory of what happened. They say it wears off. That altering the mind is okay because it fades with time. But it doesn’t,” he said, his voice cracking for just a moment. “The damage at least doesn’t. There are so many blank, empty spots in my memory. Times where things happened that I can’t even begin to remember. Do you know what it’s like to have been told that you did something, only to not be able to remember doing it at all? To just have these empty holes where you know something is supposed to be? I started having to hide notes for myself just to be sure I could remember what I did because it was me, and what I did because she made me.”

Yvette stared at her, a hand moving to her mouth. “You couldn’t tell? But they--”

“They say it wears off. But the damage? That doesn’t. But none of you mages care. As long as it’s done to someone else, as long as it’s done to an apprentice, their child or a peasant, who cares that they’re tampering with their mind? Their being? No one.” He moved forward, gripping her chin and forcing her to look into his eyes.

She stared up at him, stared into those eyes filled with hate. For a moment she swore he might strike her. Even kill her. But behind that burning, hateful look, she could see the pain, the fear. She slowly reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. “Gervas...” She knew she should feel afraid now, but she didn’t. All she felt was one thing.

“What?” he asked, his hand so tight on her chin she felt it might break.

“I’m sorry.”

He paused before he let her go and shook his head. “No, you’re not. You’re a mage who--”

“No, I am,” she cut him off, staring up at him. “What she did was wrong. No one should do that.”

“Yvette, don’t--”

“Tampering with someone’s mind shouldn’t be done. It can’t be done, not like that. At least, not without consequences.”

“You really don’t. You think you do, but--”

“I wanted to try altering my mind, once,” she said quickly, cutting him off.

He was silent for a long moment. Finally, he spoke up. “What?”

“I studied it, a little. How the magic worked. What it did. I thought that, maybe, if I could fix my mind so I didn’t feel like I was wrong any more, then… it’d be easier. Better.”

Gervas’ gaze softened. “Yvette, that’s not--”

“You can’t shape the mind like you can the body, though. It doesn’t work that way. It’s all connected, you know? And it’s not easy to see. If you remove a hand, the arm is still there. But if you remove a memory? A thought? All of the other memories and thoughts that are affected get changed too. Shifting one thing, no matter how big or small, changes everything.”

He stared at her, not speaking. Taking advantage, she decided to continue. While she knew it wasn’t exactly the same, she hoped she could show him just a fraction of the support he had shown her for so long.

“But it’s more subtle, I guess? It’s not as physically obvious. I mean, people change and grow all the time, they still seem like the same person. But if you change the body, then they definitely notice something is different from first glance. And a lot of how your personality changes might never affect them. So it’s easier, I guess? In some ways? But mind magic is also harder, I think. More dangerous. There’s some healing magic that can fix damage to the mind. But spells that fully alter the mind are forbidden as well. But for a short time I thought if I could just fix it, if I could find a spell that got rid of these thoughts, these feelings, it might be better. I mean… people kept telling me if I just tried harder, focused more on being a guy, then I could be one. If I just pushed these feelings away. What better way to do it than just alter my mind?” she asked with a small smile.

“Yvette, that’s not how--”

“But I didn’t. Because it’s wrong. You can’t tamper with the mind like that. What she did to you, altering your mind. It’s despicable. It’s awful. I don’t care who she is. Even if you were her child, she had no right to do something so disgusting,” Yvette said softly, her eyes lowering from his face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know it’s not enough. But I understand why you wouldn’t trust us after something like that. I wish I could say I understand how you feel, but I don’t. I can’t even begin to understand what it must feel like to not know which thoughts are yours and which are ones she forced into your mind, I wish I could fix that, I can’t. I’m sorry. But it’s wrong. I know it’s wrong. I don’t care who you are. An apprentice, her child or a peasant. She had no right. But...” Slowly, she reached out to take his hand. “It’s okay to talk about it.”

“Yvette, don’t--”

“Listen to me. It’s okay for you to talk to me about this. I may be a mage, but I’m still a person. Just because I can use magic doesn’t mean I’m the same as her. It definitely doesn’t mean I’m okay with what she did to you. What she did was monstrous and foul. Cruel.”

“It’s what mages do,” he said coldly. “They use their magic to fix anything they don’t like.”

“Like how I’m fixing myself?” she asked.

She felt his hand jerk and start to pull away, but she didn’t let him. “That’s different, Yvette,” he finally said. “You’re only trying to fix yourself. You’re not trying to fix what you see wrong with other people. You--”

“But I’m still a mage. I’m still a person. I still think she was a monster. But...” Her hand squeezed his a little tighter. “I still need you. I’ve told you so many of my own pains and sufferings. All my fears and worries. I’ve leaned on you and you’ve helped hold me up despite all the struggles and dangers. Can’t you just let me be there for you for this?”

His own eyes widened in shock, his mouth falling open as if he wished to speak, but couldn’t find the words. Finally he shook his head and tore his hand back from her. “Yvette, don’t. What I went through and what you’re going through are entirely different things. Besides, mine is in the past, yours is in the future. This isn’t important right--”

“Don’t you dare say it’s not important,” she snapped, cutting him off. “It hurts you. It IS hurting you, right now.”

“It saved our life. It helped me get us away from the--”

“Your resistance did. But it also hurt you. It matters because it matters to you. Gervas. Please. Even if you can’t… at the very least you’re my friend. The best friend I’ve ever had.” She leaned forward, placing a hand on his shoulder and staring up into his eyes. “You’ve been there through so much. You’ve endured so much for me. Even when I tricked you and lied, you still came after me. You still tried to protect me.”

“Tricked me?” he asked.

“In the vault. Even though I poisoned you, you still--”

“You never poisoned me,” he said, cutting her off. His hands reached up and gripped her shoulders. “Yvette. You didn’t… you never...”

She stared at him, cocking her head to the side in confusion. “Yes I did. I put it in your drink and--”

“No, you didn’t,” he said again before giving a sigh. “You’re right. I am incredibly resistant to those kinds of magics. More resistant than my mother or grandmother know. But it’s not as easy when you’re not. It can damage the mind if not dealt with correctly. I need you to stay calm. Please.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, feeling a small rise of fear inside her stomach.

“I need you to stay calm and listen. Trust me. Don’t let yourself panic. It’ll just make things worse. You never poisoned me. I offered to help you. Grandmaster Cecily tampered with your mind. She tampered with mine as well, but it didn’t hold like she expected. That was why I came after you.”

Yvette opened her mouth. She remembered everything that happened, though. She had tricked him into drinking that poison, him and his grandmother. Then she had snuck into the vault herself. She’d had to fight and flee from the grandmaster. The memories were clear as day. “Of course I did. She never--”

“You can remember it all, can’t you? Everything you did?”

“Of course. I--”

“Think back. How many memories do you have like that?”

“What do you mean? I can remember all of my memories. That’s why they’re memories,” she said, struggling to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. The way he was looking at her made her heart pound, though. He looked strange. Angry, but sad.

“How many of them are that vivid? Do you remember who you saw then? Every little detail, what methods you used? Every crack and stone?”

“Of course I can’t rememb--” She stopped when she realized she could. She remembered every single step. She remembered the way she had touched the walls. It was so vivid as if it had happened only a few moments before. She couldn’t even remember what she ate a few days prior, let alone all of the minor details. But everything for that memory was so vivid. It hadn’t faded in the slightest. “I… I do.”

“That’s because she tampered with your mind. Those memories don’t fade. They remain so incredibly locked in until they break,” he whispered.

Yvette felt panic start to rise inside herself. If that wasn’t what happened while she was inside the vault, what HAD? What had she done? She tried desperately to remember, to try and break through the fake memories to find those that were real. She felt a growing pain in her head, as if her brain might explode. Had something better happened? Something worse? Why would the grandmaster have done something like this? What was the point? What had she been forced to--

And then it all seemed to crash down around her when she looked at Gervas, than panic fading. How many years of his life had been taken, stolen from him due to this? How many memories did he have that he had no way of knowing if they were just memorable, or fake? How many times had he had his life twisted around his mother’s finger? What was it like when he discovered the truth, that so much of his life was a lie? She let those worries for herself fade, the pain disappearing with them. Letting go of the memories of what might have happened.

What had it been like to go through life knowing so much of what he knew was fake? She stared at him for a long, long time before she pushed herself in closer and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him tight. “I’m so sorry.”

“What?” he asked. “I told you, you didn’t poison--”

“Not for that. For all of this. For everything you had to go through. I don’t know what… memories she took from me. But that’s okay, I think. I’ll be okay. I still have you. I don’t know what happened in the vault, but it doesn’t matter. But what you’ve been through, what you’ve had to live through? I can’t imagine how horrifying it must have been,” she whispered, her arms tightening around him. “How horrifying it must still be.”

“Yvette, it’s fine. I’m used to it by now, I don’t--”

“You shouldn’t have to be used to it. Gervas, you don’t always have to take care of everything alone,” she whispered. “You don’t have to take both my burdens and your own. I love you. I love you so much and I don’t want you to have to go through any of this alone ever again.” She felt tears starting to form in her eyes. Not for herself, not even for the fact he didn’t love her. But for the fact he had to go through all of that for so long. Endure a childhood of that kind. No wonder he hated mages. She would have too.

“Yvette, stop, we’re not--”

“Just let me help you. Please,” she said softly. “Just let me help you like you help me. Let me do this one thing for you. Please.”

She felt his hands reach up and push against her shoulders. She tried to resist, but once more he pushed her off him. She felt her heart cracking. Why couldn’t he understand? After all the support and care he had offered her over so long, why couldn’t he see that she just--

Her thoughts were shattered when she felt his lips push against hers. Her mind was awash with a giddy pleasure when she felt him move her slightly, pulling her back to him this time, holding her. Her own arms wrapping around him, holding him close to her. She didn’t know how long the kiss lasted but, when he pushed her back away she realized the light she had made had gone out. It was probably for the best, she wasn’t sure she wanted him to see how deeply her face was burning.

“Yvette,” he said gently, the words like music in her ears.

“Yes?” she asked softly.

“We need to get out of here. Now, before all of the sirens are moving. Once morning comes, it’ll be too late.”

She felt her heart sink. “Right.” He pushed her off him, getting to his feet before pulling her up.

“You have the tears still?”

“Yes,” she said, trying to keep her own tears from falling, now very thankful the light had gone out. The last thing he needed was to see how hurt she was.

“One more thing.”

“Yes?”

“I think I can love someone like you.”

Yvette’s mouth fell open and she felt new tears form, falling for an entirely different reason. She quickly wiped her face with her robe, using her spell to cleanse herself one last time before bringing the light back up. “T-then I guess that means we really do have to get out of here, don’t we?” she asked with a weak chuckle. “Too much to live for now, right?”

“Of course.” His hand wrapped tightly around hers, he lead the way back up the slick steps, towards the echoing, haunting song.