Her True Form

Yvette was woken by laughter. She didn’t know why she was sleeping, though. She didn’t remember laying down.

Everything hit her in a flash, making her shriek and sit up. She’d been floating on ice, but the ship had been coming closer. She looked around for a moment, before realizing she was laying on the deck of the Siren’s Call. She felt incredibly cold, but she was at least dry. She was still wearing her clothes, though. How long had she been laying here?

It took her a moment to realize she hadn’t been dried off, the water had been drained off of her and was now hovering up in the air, a little remaining moisture flowing out from her boots. After a moment it was tossed overboard. Lunia was standing over her, her hands guiding the water off of the ship.

There was a lot of laughter. So much laughing.

“Like a proper mage, eh?” a voice rang out. “Moment the job is done, you decide to take a nap?”

Yvette shook her head, trying to clear it. How long had she been out? A few minutes? Her body felt cold as ice and she couldn’t stop shaking. “W-what?” she asked, finally narrowing down the source of the voice.

Jade was standing behind her. The captain had her arms crossed and was looking down at her with a look of amusement. “You almost got yourself killed out there, you know.”

“S-sorry,” Yvette said sheepishly. “I didn’t mean to. It happens a lot though.”

“I take it the leviathan is good and dealt with, if you’re up here and still alive.”

“S-so long as we get out of here n-now,” she said, unable to keep her teeth from chattering. To Yvette’s surprise, Jade leaned down and pulled off her coat, only to toss it over the mage.

“Well, that’s our intention. You did good. Here I figured you’d have died at least a dozen times by now.”

Yvette nodded, glancing around the deck. It took her a few moments to realize that there were crates and chests stacked across it, which were slowly being dragged below deck. She stared for a long, long moment. Finally, she spoke up. “You got what you needed?” Despite the fact the coat seemed so thin, she could already feel the heat from it beginning to warm her body. She wondered if there was an enchantment on it, though she was too tired and cold to check. At the very least, she stopped shaking.

“A bit of a rush job, but yes. Everything we needed. Was as good as could be expected,” Jade said, though Yvette swore that the woman’s smile faded just a bit. “Just lay there for a bit until you’re warmer. After hauling you out of the sea, you don’t want to die of cold, now do you?”

Yvette nodded, slowly reaching up to pull the coat tighter around herself. “I wasn’t kidding,” she said softly. “The leviathan gave us until sun down. If we’re still nearby then--”

“We’re already moving,” Jade said firmly.

Lunia stopped for a moment, glancing back at the pair from the edge of the boat. She met Yvette’s eyes for a moment, giving an apologetic look before turning to walk away.

“Now, I’m not one to pry into other people’s business,” Jade said calmly. “You definitely made the right move taking it off when you did. But you may wanna put your ring back on.”

Yvette stared at the other woman for a few moments. Then her eyes went wide. “W-wait, you knew? You knew the ring was--”

“Of course I knew,” Jade said with a shake of her head. “Do you think I would have let you keep it, otherwise? But when a fallen mage wears something like that, I’m smart enough to know there’s probably a reason and the last thing I want is to get caught up in whatever stupidity you idiots got yourself caught up in. I only get caught up in my own stupidity,” she said with a casual smile.

“Oh. Right. I… right,” she said before reaching into her robes. For a few seconds she felt panic start to fill her when she realized she couldn’t feel it, only to relax after a few more moments when her fingers wrapped around the metal buried in the very corner of the pocket. To her surprise, it still felt warm, despite the freezing water. She slid it on with a soft sigh. “Thank you for looking for me.”

“Wasn’t me,” Jade said firmly. “Lunia was the one who kept pushing us to. You owe her your thanks.”

Yvette was silent for a moment, her eyes lowered to the deck. She pulled the coat a little tighter around herself. She wondered what Gervas would have said if he was here. He’d probably suspect the woman was plotting something. Or was the fact she was neither a mage nor a noble cause for him to trust her unconditionally? She really wished she could understand the way his mind worked sometimes.

She was alive, though, so she could at least be thankful for that. “You could have left me to die,” she said gently. “You didn’t have to search for me or come back.”

Jade was silent for a moment before shaking her head. “We’re taking you to get your little tear, mage. But I’d like to make you an offer.” The captain knelt down besides her, reaching out to grip Yvette’s chin and forcing her to look her in the eye. “You’re a fallen mage. You don’t have anywhere else to go, do you?”

“No.”

“Good. If you succeed in your little quest, come look for the sirens. We’ll have work for you.”

Yvette’s eyes widened and she stared. “W-what? But--”

“You’re not the only one like you. More than a few sirens are in a similar position, but they don’t quite have the ability to use magic like you do. Besides, having a mage that can survive a visit with a leviathan around might be useful.”

Yvette felt her heart pounding faster. She couldn’t believe her ears. “Y-you mean, Lunia wasn’t lying to me? There are other people who are… are stuck? Like this? I mean, who’s bodies aren’t… who aren’t completely, I mean--”

“Not real good with words, are you?” Jade asked with a light chuckle before giving a nod and letting her chin go. “No, she told you the truth. Though, don’t you dare ever tell anyone. Every siren is woman, one way or another. Some just happen to be a little different is all,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. “If you can fix that? Perfect. Then we’ll put you to work on it. If you get yourself killed, they’re no worse off than they were before. Just don’t go spreading the word about this. I don’t want members of my crew getting their hopes up over nothing.”

Yvette nodded, though her heart was pounding. To think, there really were others like her out there. “I-I will. Once I find out how, I’ll help anyone I can who needs it,” she whispered gently. “Who in--” Before she could finish the sentence, Jade placed a finger to her lips to silence her.

“No. I’m not telling you who any of them are. That’s their business, not yours. As long as they serve the will of their captain, then that doesn’t matter. Understand?”

She stared at the other woman before giving a slow nod. She desperately wanted to know more, though. It took all she had to not scream and beg for her to tell her who else was like her. She couldn’t believe she was on a ship filled with who knew how many people who were like her. A handful? A dozen? What if there was only one or two? She couldn’t believe she was so near others like her and yet she didn’t know who they were. She had so many questions she was longing to ask, so many ideas and thoughts she wanted to get out.

But she couldn’t. She stared into Jade’s eyes and then lowered her own gaze. As desperately as she wanted to know, to meet more people like herself, she couldn’t force it out of them. After all the times she herself had been called out and told what she was doing was wrong, or treated as if she was different just because her body wasn’t made right, the last thing she wanted to do was make someone else feel that way.

It didn’t make the desire fade, though. It took her a few moments to realize the captain had gotten to her feet and was walking away. “Huh? Err, Captain Jade?” Yvette asked softly.

“What is it, mage?” Jade asked, glancing back.

“Your coat? I--”

“Keep it for now. Until you warm up. You’ll be going back into your cell soon, want you nice and warm before we lock you back up.”

Yvette’s stomach dropped. “What? But I--”

“Well, if we’re going to wake up your guardian, we can hardly have both of you running around, now can we?” she asked. “I’ll come talk with you both soon. Give you a few minutes to catch up.”

The mage’s eyes went wide and she felt her heart beat faster. She tried to stand, but her legs felt so weak all she managed to do was stumble forward a few inches. It took her a moment before she spoke up, though. “He’s waking up? You’re going to wake him up?” she asked.

“Yes. So once you’re warm enough you--”

“I’m warm enough!” Yvette said, unable to keep the excitement out of her voice. The captain merely laughed and gave a nod.

“Very well. Then let’s get you back down there, shall we?”

------

Yvette held her breath, staring at the sleeping face of her guardian. She barely resisted the urge to scream for him to wake up. She trembled lightly, kneeling on the floor besides him.

He was going to wake up. He was going to see her again. She was going to see him again. Despite everything, she hadn’t died. They were going to be together once more. Her heart felt like it was pounding so hard in her chest it might explode, but she tried to ignore it. She tried to focus on him, on her guardian before her.

Gervas let out a soft groan and she barely resisted lunging forward to hug him. He still didn’t wake up, though. “Wake up,” she said gently. “Please, Gervas. Wake up. They said you’d wake up. Please,” she pleaded.

Her guardian didn’t move aside from a light twitch. She swore she saw his eyes flutter a little, but they didn’t open. She let out a light whimper. “Just wake up, please. Please wake up. I’m sorry I’m so much trouble for you. I’m sorry I keep dragging you into these things. I’m sorry I make mistake after mistake and I don’t really know how to make up for them. But please, please wake up. I need you.”

“I am awake,” Gervas whispered, his eyes slowly opening a crack. “Are we alone?” He looked towards her, not moving his head.

She gave a nod, her breath stopped. She just stared at him, while he seemed to be examining their surroundings. Finally, he sat up.

“When you wake up somewhere you don’t know, it’s a good idea to not move until you’ve had a chance to examine what’s around you,” he said softly. “Pretending to sleep a little longer might one day save your li--” His words were cut off when she lunged forward and hugged him, resting her head against his chest. “Yvette? What are you--”

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry I just n-never thought I’d be able to talk to you again!” she said, tears beginning to flow down her face while her whole body shook. She gripped the back of his tunic as hard as she could, wishing she could pull him even closer than she already was. She’d been so close to losing him forever. Never hearing his words, never talking to him, never arguing with him. Never having his support. Her heart hurt even more at the thought.

He slowly reached up and pat her on the back. “I’m sorry,” he said gently. “I can see you’re upset. But I need to know where we are. We’re on a ship, aren’t we?” he asked, his voice going low. “And I can tell a prison when I see it. You’re not sea sick though, are you?”

“No, the first mate took care of it before I came down here. Without my bracer I can’t do the spell anyway. Just… it’s okay. It’s going to be okay, I promise. I’ve taken care of everything. It--”

“That doesn’t inspire confidence, Yvette,” Gervas said firmly. “I need to know what’s going on. Tell me. Where are we? Where are the zmaj? Did the Mage’s Association find us?”

Yvette gave a soft sigh and slowly pulled back, staring up at him. Despite having only just woke up, his face was already set in a firm, somewhat calm glare. She wondered what thoughts were going through his head. Was he already planning on ways to escape? What insanity was he already coming up with, what plans to get them out of this situation? Would he be mad that she assisted them? Would he accept that they were going to be okay? She felt a knot of worry forming in her stomach.

If she told him how she felt, would he accept it? Would he be able to love her back? Could he love her back? What if she only caused more stress and worry for him? She chewed on her lower lip for a moment, trying to think of what to say to him. Finally, she spoke up. “Pirates. Lunia was a pirate, she drugged us and took us aboard. Her crew are called the Sirens and they--”

“What?!” Gervas almost yelled, his eyes going wide with alarm. “The Sirens? We’re on one of their vessels? You don’t mean--”

“Captain Jade runs this ship,” she said firmly. “As long as I do what she says, she’s agreed to not kill us and get us to our destination.”

Gervas’ hands reaching out to grip her shoulders and pushing her out, away from him. “What?” he asked, his tone having turned incredibly angry. “Yvette, what have you done?”

“I just did a small task for her,” she said quickly. “In return she said she’d take us to the sirens, actual sirens, to get their tear and--”

“And you believed her? What is wrong with you? Yvette, they’re pirates. You can’t trust them. What did you do? Please, tell me you didn’t kill anyone.”

She tried to pull back, but he refused to let her. She couldn’t help feeling hurt at his accusation. “Gervas, I’d never do something like that!” she said firmly. However, the way he was looking at her told her all she needed to know. He didn’t believe her. She felt her cheeks burning. “Gervas. I would never, ever kill someone like that. I’m not a monster,” she snapped. “I’m a...” She trailed off. “Well, it doesn’t matter what I am. But please,” she said softly, feeling her frustration growing. “I wouldn’t kill over this.”

“If they offered to give you something to help you on your path, would you? I’ve seen you willing to die for this. Why wouldn’t you kill?” he asked, his tone going harsh.

“Because I wouldn’t!” she snapped, her heart beat getting faster and barely resisting the urge to slap him. Not that she thought she could with him holding her arms like that. “I would never hurt someone else like--”

“Why not?” he asked. “Mages do it all the time, for smaller things. Why--”

“Because I’m not that kind of mage!” she yelled, her body shaking. “Because that’s not the kind of mage I can EVER be! Just because other mages, no, just because other PEOPLE are willing to kill for that doesn’t mean--”

“You’ve killed before,” he said, his voice cold.

“So have you,” she snapped, feeling fresh, angry tears well up in her eyes. Was this really how he saw her? She stared up at him and then went slightly limp. After a few moments she spoke up. “Is this really how you see me? Is that what you think of me?” she asked gently, unable to keep the pain out of her voice. “Do you think I’d just… that I’d kill like that? Do you think I’d ever murder someone in order to get this form? To get MY form? To get my body right?”

He stared at her for a few long moments before sighing. Slowly, his grip loosened on her and he shook his head. “No. I really don’t. There are plenty of mages who would without a moment’s hesitation. But I don’t think you’re one of them.”

She smiled up at him, feeling his hands dropping from her arms. “Thank you. And I would die for this, if I had to. I probably will, if the last year is any indication. I almost died for this. But I wouldn’t kill people like that. Just...” She shuddered, remembering the first time she’d killed. Plunging the knife into his body. The feeling of blood on her skin. Just the thought made her feel nauseous. “I don’t want to kill. If our lives hadn’t been on the line, I wouldn’t have. But I didn’t have a choice. It was him or us. I just...”

Slowly her reached up and grabbed her once more, pulling her into a hug. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Please don’t do that. Don’t say that about me. It hurts. A lot. I try really hard, you know? I want to be someone you can be proud of,” she whispered, slowly wrapping her arms around him. “I want to be someone you can...” Someone he could love. Someone he could want. She tried to get the words out, but they refused to make it the rest of the way out of her throat.

“Yvette, I am proud of you. I, more than anyone, know how hard you’re working. I shouldn’t have said those things and I am sorry.”

She nodded, closing her eyes and feeling his warmth around her. It made her want to melt, to just hold him forever. She felt so safe when he held her like this. She could almost forget all the troubles, all the dangers they had to face now. So long as they were together.

“What did they make you do?” he asked softly.

Yvette gave a soft, disappointed sigh when he pushed her gently away from him, staring down at her. “They had to get to this island that a leviathan was guarding. Basically, they wanted me to distract it while they got some treasure from it. Because we defeated the turtle on the island, they thought I could do it.”

“Wait, you’re going to--”

“I already did it,” she said quickly. “I succeeded already, it’s okay. Well, sort of.”

He cocked his head to the side. “I don’t understand. You defeated a leviathan? By yourself?”

“Goodness no. I succeeded in the sense that I distracted it. But it didn’t kill me. It’s a long story. But the scale we got? Apparently it recognized it. It said there might not be any more dragon turtles and it was interested to know where I got it. It kind of crushed me. Terribly. I used the scale to help me transform into a dragon turtle. Well, a small one. Which, by the way, was the coolest thing ever. I could see EVERYTHING underwater and--”

“Wait, you turned into a dragon turtle?” he asked, his eyes wide. “You can do that? Since when?”

“Since I have one of its scales. Transforming into something when you have a piece of it makes it so much easier. I doubt it would have even been possible without one. Thanks to the flowers, I could turn into a dryad too. Besides, a dragon turtle is a type of leviathan. Fay and leviathan’s are both very powerful, magical creatures. If I could turn into...” She trailed off and frowned. “I hadn’t actually thought about it, but I think I could. I don’t think I’d be able to use most of their abilities, so I guess it wouldn’t be very useful. But I guess I could--”

“Yvette, focus. You’re distracting yourself again. What happened?”

“Oh, it talked to me for a while. It was very nice, actually. It didn’t seem to care that they wanted something off the island. It gave us time to leave, then let me go.”

“What did you talk about?” he asked again. “Yvette, I need to know everything.”

She gave a soft sigh. “Just stuff, you know? I guess it mostly wanted to know where the dragon turtle had gone, how I had come across the scale. I told it everything. About meeting you, about stealing the spell, about the island. Everything. It then let me go. Sort of.”

“Sort of?”

“It did take the dryad’s flower I had inside my bracer. And almost killed me by crushing me underwater. But I transformed back into the dragon turtle before I could be crushed. Then I came back up to the surface and...” She trailed off, feeling a new dread inside. He was not going to like this at all.

“Yvette? What’s wrong?”

“You’re going to be mad at me...” she mumbled gently.

“Yvette, what did you do?” he asked, his voice filling with annoyance and worry.

“I didn’t have a choice. I really didn’t, I swear.”

“Yvette, just tell me,” he said, glaring down into her eyes.

“I was out on the water. I couldn’t keep swimming. My form ended and I was going to drown. I took off the ring, because I wasn’t… I didn’t know if they could find me while I wore it.”

He stared at her for a few moments before he relaxed, letting out a sigh and glancing back to her finger. Once he saw it was on, he gave a small nod. “I see. That’s all?”

“You’re not mad?” she asked gently, her stomach unknotting.

“You didn’t have a choice. If the options were you drowning or risking the Mage’s Association tracking you for a little bit, I’d always take the latter. I’m just happy you’re okay. If you’d died from this, you...” He stopped himself.

She cocked her head to the side, confusion on her face. “Yes?”

“You’d have been an idiot and I’d have never forgiven myself,” he finally muttered.

“Forgiven yourself? Why?”

“Because I should have known Lunia was up to something.”

“You did,” she said firmly. “I didn’t listen. Remember? We fought, you stormed out, I--”

“I didn’t make you listen. I should have made sure you were safe.”

Yvette stared at him for a few moments, unable to really understand his words. Finally, she shook her head and couldn’t suppress her giggles.

“W-what? What’s so funny?” he asked, annoyance filling his voice.

“You’re going to try and force me to listen to you now?” she asked, staring at him. “Do you even listen to yourself? How are you going to do that? Tie me down? Sit on me? Just drag me off everywhere? I’m an adult, you know.”

“You don’t act like it,” he said firmly.

“No, I don’t act like you always expect me to. But I can make decisions on my own, sometimes. Even if a lot of the time they’re wrong. A lot of the time they’re right, too. I do my best you know. I may make a lot of mistakes, but I’m still trying my hardest,” she said firmly.

“You’re still a--”

“A mage?” she asked, cutting him off. “Yes, I am. And I am also a young woman, have fought a necromancer, a giant turtle, now a leviathan and, need I remind you, your grandmother. I’ve been training my whole life in order to be a proper and strong mage. I’ve been training with you, as well. I now know how to setup a tent as well as do a little bit of hunting.”

Gervas gave a snort. “Since when can you hunt?”

“I never said I was good at it. But I have been learning and studying. Every day I grow a bit more. I’m going to make mistakes, Gervas. Not because I’m a mage, but because I’m a person. But I am going to keep trying. I’m going to learn a lot more about, well, everything.”

“While running into the mouths of beasts?” he offered, an amused grin forming on his lips.

“If that’s what I have to do? Then yes. But I can, somewhat, take care of myself. I’m not helpless.”

He stared at her and then gave a soft sigh before shaking his head and closing his eyes. “No, you’re not. You’re right.”

Her heart beat a little faster, her own eyes widening a little bit. She hadn’t expected him to give in so easily. “Really?” she asked, unable to keep the surprise out of her voice.

“You’re not a child, though it’s hard for me to admit sometimes. When we first met, you were...” He trailed off for a moment, seeming to be searching for the word.

“Helpless?” she offered. She couldn’t deny that she was. It felt so long ago, but it really hadn’t been. A few months she suspected, though she hadn’t kept track of the time as well as she should have. “I was a bit, I guess. I didn’t know anything outside of the tower.”

He reached up and patted her on the head. “The first thing you did was twist your ankle and fall off a horse. But you have grown. You’re right, you’ve faced things and, somehow, survived. You’re almost a little bit competent,” he said with a teasing grin, his voice filled with mock exasperation. “So I supposed sitting on you to make you not do something stupid is out of the question.”

She nodded. “Perf--”

“I’ll just have to start tying you up and dragging you away from the danger.”

Yvette gave a light snort. “Please try. My specialty is transfiguration. You can tie up a girl, but can you tie up a small lizard or a wolf?” she asked.

“So toss you in a jar or put a collar on you, either one really,” he said with a dismissive shrug.

She shook her head and gave a soft sigh. “You’re an idiot. You can’t protect me from the world.”

“It’s why I was hired.”

“I thought you were hired to protect the world from me.”

He went silent and stared at her for a long moment and she saw something flash in his eyes she couldn’t identify. It looked unpleasant though. Finally, he gave one more sigh and shook his head. “Maybe you’re right, though.”

She relaxed, letting out a slow breath of air she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “I am.”

“I’ve been trying to guide you. To steer you in the right direction. But I can’t control you, one way or another you’ll do what you want, whether or not it is safe for you to do.”

“I’ll do what I have to.”

“Maybe you just don’t need me anymore.”

Her heart almost stopped and her entire body jerked. Those words hit her harder than if she had fallen back out into the cold waters outside. She stared at him for a long moment, her body lightly shaking. “W-what?” she whispered.

“Maybe you don’t need me. You’re competent and--”

“I need you!” she practically yelled, her voice panicked and frightened. “I need you so much. You have no idea.”

Gervas blinked a few times, staring up at her in confusion. “Yvette?”

She stared down at him, unable to keep the thoughts bottled up. She imagined him leaving. Imagined him abandoning her. Running off and leaving her to face all of this alone. Tears forming in her eyes and she couldn’t stop them from starting to fall. “I need you...” she whispered.

“Yvette, it’s okay, I--”

“No,” she said gently before reaching out and putting a hand on his shoulder. She felt like her heart would burst. All of her fears and worries came to the forefront. She had another chance now to tell him. She’d almost lost it.

But what if she was wrong? What if he couldn’t love her like she loved him? What if he rejected her? What if he decided to abandon her once he knew? She felt as if her stomach was tearing itself apart. Was the risk worth the possible reward? What if she lost everything? “Gervas… I need to… I...”

“Yvette? What’s wrong?” he asked, sitting up and stopping, his face a few inches from hers.

Her heart beat faster and she barely resisted leaning in to kiss him. She wanted to, so bad. But she couldn’t deal with it if he pushed her away or got angry. She couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t tell him. She needed him. “Gervas, please. I can’t do this alone. Don’t go. I’m sorry, I still need you.”

His eyes widened and his mouth fell open just a little. Then he gave a light chuckle. “Oh, by the Lion. I didn’t mean like that, Yvette,” he said before dropping back down onto the cot, making it shake and causing her hand to fall away. “I’m not intending to just leave you to fend for yourself. I meant you don’t need me to be directing you constantly and monitoring every little thing you do. I’m not intending to abandon you on this journey. Besides, I still have a debt to collect.”

Yvette paused, staring down at him, relief slowly flowing through her heart. “You’re not?”

“Of course not. You may not need me like that. But you still need someone to have your back during all of this. Everyone needs someone they can depend on.”

She gave a small, weak nod. “R-right. I still need you for that. I still--” She choked on the words, moving a hand to her mouth to cover it. Tears formed in her eyes before she spoke up. “G-Gervas?”

“What?”

She felt her heart pounding faster. Something rising inside her, her breath getting quicker. She felt that fear building inside her, growing larger and larger, so much she felt she might explode. “I...”

“What?” he asked again, staring up at her. “Is something wrong? Is--”

“No!” she said quickly, shaking her head. “Nothing is wrong. I just… I...” She couldn’t do it. He’d leave her. She needed him. She needed him so much. She couldn’t tell him. But she wanted to so bad. “Gervas. I just...”

Concern formed on his features and he quickly sat up. “What’s wrong? You can tell me. Did something else happen while I was out?”

She shook her head. “No. It’s not that. It’s not bad. I mean, I hope it’s not bad.” She gave a gentle sigh. “Ugh, this is so… I just...” She shook her head again. She couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t. It was too dangerous. Too scary. It would be terrible for her in the end. He’d leave her. She was lucky enough to have him like this, to ask for more was just selfish. Her heart pounded and she stared into his eyes, unable to look away. “Gervas… I...”

“Yvette? What is it? You can tell me anything.”

She couldn’t. She wouldn’t. It didn’t matter. Her hands shook and she leaned in, her heart pounding so hard now she was sure he could hear it. She felt like she was going to throw up and, fortunately or unfortunately, not because of sea sickness. “Gervas, I-I...”

“Just say it. What’s wrong?”

“I’m in love with you!” she finally said. Like a dam shattering, the words just flowed out of her now that the first had been said. “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for the longest time, since before we left to first find the island. Maybe even before that. I know I’m not exactly a normal girl and I know I’m probably not anything you’d ever be interested in, but I just, I love you. Do you think you could ever love someone like me? Maybe? I understand if the answer is no, I just, I had to tell you. I had to get it out. I’m sorry,” she said, her breath stopping once the words were out. She couldn’t breath. Couldn’t move. All she could do was stare at him and watch. Her entire body locked up in panic, waiting for his reaction.

Her heart nearly shattered when she saw his eyes go soft and the look of sadness cross his face. “Yvette...” he said gently. She didn’t answer, though. She knew what his answer would be the moment he put a hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry. I don’t feel that way for you. I can’t.”

She gave a small, numb nod. “I… I understand,” she whispered, her eyes lowering. “I know it’s a stupid idea. I mean, I’m not really a… I’m not even a… I’m not… a real...”

“No!” Gervas said quickly, shaking his head. “It’s not because of that.”

“Right,” she mumbled, keeping her eyes lowered and struggling to keep herself from breaking down into broken sobs. He couldn’t love her. He would never love her. She was right. All of those doubts in her mind were clear. If she had been normal, had been born right, maybe. She felt so stupid. If she had only waited until the spell was finished, then maybe he could have loved her. But instead she had forced it, run headlong into danger she knew she shouldn’t have.

“Yvette, it’s not. You’re a girl, you--”

“But not enough of one, right?” she asked, unable to keep the hurt and pain out of her voice despite her best attempts. “Not… not properly one. Just partly, right?” she asked again, her body quivering with pain that echoed down to her core. “I’m not right yet. Am I? And so I’m not--”

“Damn it, Yvette,” he said, gripping her shoulders so tightly that she thought he might break them for a moment. She didn’t care if he did, not now. “It has nothing to do with that! I’m your guardian!”

“So?” she asked, glancing up to meet his eyes. His grip loosened and he pulled his hands back from her, letting her go. “What does it matter?”

“I’m your guardian. Those feelings you’re feeling aren’t real. You’re not the first mage who I’ve protected who thought she fell in love with me and you’re certainly not going to be the last. Listen. I’ve seen this before. We spend a lot of time together, you get your life saved a few times by me. Then, before you know it, you’re imagining little fairy tales about us being star crossed lovers or something. That fades, though. Quickly.”

Yvette stared at him, her mouth falling open. She felt the sadness giving way to an all too familiar emotion. Anger. “Wait. You’re saying I just don’t know how I feel?” she asked.

His worry gave way to relief.

It quickly faded when she slapped him. His eyes widened and he stared at her with disbelief. “You… you bastard,” she said, her voice quivering with barely suppressed rage.

“Yvette. Please. You’re just going to--”

“Is that really how little you think of me?” she asked, pulling back from him and sliding off of his cot. “Do you think I’m just going to fall head over heels for the first idiot with a sword who saves me from the wilds?” she asked, the tears flowing down her face once more but she didn’t care this time. “In case you’ve forgotten, I’ve saved your life a few times too. We’ve worked together on a lot of this!” she yelled, unable to keep her voice low or controlled anymore.

“Yvette, I--”

“If you don’t want me, that’s fine. You don’t have to. I didn’t expect you to. I don’t expect anyone to. But don’t tell me how to think. Don’t tell me how to feel. I’ve spent my whole life listening to other people who don’t have any idea about who or what I am telling me how I was supposed to feel! I KNOW when I feel something.” She slowly put a hand to her chest, holding it over her pounding heart. She used her anger, fueled herself from it. Let it flow through her so she could avoid breaking down entirely.

Gervas, on the other hand, just gave another soft sigh. “Yvette, you’re being overly emotional. If you just calm down and think about this--”

“Do you think I haven’t?” she asked softly. “I’ve almost died… how many times, now? This entire journey is near suicidal. I have so many powerful people who want to stop me. that’s not even counting the fact that half these reagents have to be harvested at the source and I can’t just go to a city and purchase them.”

“Exactly. You’ve been through a lot and--”

“And I’ve had you there besides me for it,” she said, feeling her anger raging inside her like a fire. “Is it really so surprising? You’re the first one to accept me. To let me be me.”

“Yvette, don’t--”

“Let me finish, damn it!” she yelled, turning back to face him. “You’re there for me. You’ve supported me. No one has ever done as much to help me. No one has ever stood by me for this. They couldn’t even give me grudging acceptance. They couldn’t just let me be. But you finally did. And better yet, you helped me. You stood by my side against the people who would. Sometimes… sometimes I could even forget...” she whispered, moving in a bit closer to him, before pulling back a full step.

“Forget?” he asked softly.

“That I’m not right. That I’m not… that I have this body. Even if I have to fight, sometimes, when I’m with you, I can forget that I have to do this. I can just enjoy the moment. I can be a girl and not hate myself and hate what I’ve been through. I can be happy. I can let myself finally be happy.” Her hands clenched into fists at her side. “You’re smart, you know that? You know so much about the world that I don’t. You’re dedicated. Not just to me, but to doing what you think is right. You stand up to people even when it would be so much easier to let things stand. Even against your friends. You support me. You’re fun. You aren’t afraid to tell me when I screw up, or praise me when I do things right. Sure, you’re paranoid, but that’s probably saved my life too. I feel safe around you. I feel like I can let my guard down around you. Like I can tell you anything.”

He didn’t answer, he only stared up at her.

“Don’t tell me I don’t know how I feel,” she said, the last of her anger evaporating, leaving her with that powerful, empty sadness. “I love you. And it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to love me back. I don’t expect you to. But don’t you dare tell me that I don’t know how I’m feeling. If… you can’t love me back, don’t say it’s because you can’t trust my feelings. Just deny me. Who I am. If I’m not good enough that’s--”

“Yvette!” Gervas finally snapped, cutting her words off. “Just… I don’t...”

“It’s okay,” she muttered, shaking her head.

“No. I don’t...” He trailed off for a few moments before giving another sigh. Slowly, his hand reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know. Okay? I don’t know.”

Yvette blinked a few times, staring at him. “Don’t know what?”

“This. Any of this. It’s a lot to dump on a man right after he wakes up on a pirate ship sailing to the stars know where.”

“Sorry,” Yvette said sheepishly. “My timing could use some work, I guess.”

“Yes. But you’re right. You’ve had a lot of people who’ve told you how to feel over the years and it’s really easy for me to just treat you that way,” he said softly. “But that’s not fair to you. You’re a mature enough woman, you can make your own decisions.”

She gave a soft sigh before nodding. “Yes. I’m sorry for--”

“Don’t be sorry,” he said gently, before looking up at her. After a few moments he looked away and shook his head. “I’d never thought about it. About you in that way. You’re the mage I protect, that is the beginning and end of it.”

“But I--”

“Let me finish this time,” he cut her off, making her silence herself. “That’s how I’ve always operated. Most mages I’ve met tend to be selfish, lazy, stubborn and reckless. You’re, in some ways, that. But I’ve also seen you work yourself to the bone, put yourself in danger for other people. Definitely reckless and stubborn, but I can’t say I’m surprised. You’d have to be reckless and stubborn to get to where you are and, sometimes, that’s okay. But you’re more mature than I often give you credit for. There are good mages out there, I’ve met a few. But it’s incredibly easy to fall back into that way of thinking. That you’re barely more than a child who doesn’t know anything about the world.” He lightly pat the cot besides himself, sliding his legs over the side before giving a soft sigh.

Yvette slowly moved to sit besides him, staring at him. “So what does that mean?”

“I don’t know,” he said softly. “I really don’t. Maybe it’d be best if I left.” She felt panic start to fill her heart and her hands clenched tightly at her robes, her breath stopping. “Or it would be. But there’s no way I’m leaving you alone to face all this by yourself,” he said firmly. “At the very least, I care about you, Yvette. You’re special. Different from most of the mages I’ve met. Even the good ones. You’re on a really hard path that I know I can’t shake you from, but I’ll be damned if I’ll make you walk it alone. But I don’t know if I can ever feel that way for you.”

She gave a small nod. “I understand. I know I’m not--”

“It’s not because of that,” he said. “It means less than I thought it would. A surprisingly little amount.”

“What?” she asked, staring at him. “You don’t need to--” Her words were cut off when he put his hand on her head and gently rubbed her hair.

“It doesn’t matter. You’re a girl. You’re definitely a girl. Something, somewhere, screwed up and now you’re in the wrong body. But you are definitely a girl and I am honestly kind of mad that it took me so long to realize,” he said gently.

“You still get doubts though, don’t you?”

His eyes averted from her for a moment, before he gave a soft sigh. “I did.”

She nodded, feeling that doubt creep in. She knew he did. She thought back to before they had begun sailing. She had spied on him when he was talking with one of his friends. He’d said as much then. Then immediately after he had seen her on the ship, seasick and at her worst. “When did you stop? Once we left the vault?” she asked, waiting for the lie.

“No. I still had the doubts. Sometimes. But the ship was what did it. Watching you spend days throwing up and nearly dying at sea.”

Yvette almost felt her brain stop. She stared at him, too confused for words. Finally, with great struggles, she managed to get out some words. “WHAT? But I was disgusting! I was throwing up and heaving! I couldn’t even take care of the hair on my face!”

Gervas gave a light chuckle and nodded. “I know, right? You were at your absolute worst. It was really terrible to watch. I wanted so badly to just hold you and tell you it was going to be okay. But I couldn’t do anything about it. I heard some of the crew talking about you, mentioning that you kind of...”

“Sounded like a guy?” she asked.

“Yes. And here you were, miserable and retching. Yet you weren’t trying to be anything other than a girl. You were still just… you,” he said with a sigh. “Does that makes any sense?”

“It really doesn’t.”

Gervas shook his head. “You were… you still moved like a girl, I guess is a good way of putting it. You kept trying to make sure that everything was...” He trailed off. “I’m sorry. It’s really hard to explain. To put to words. Just your whines, the way you were laying there. Even when I moved over near you, you never did anything but act like you. You were at your weakest and most vulnerable, and you were nothing more than Yvette. Just a girl who was trying her hardest to get through a terrible situation. I wanted to throw some of them overboard with the way they were talking about you.”

Yvette blinked a few times and then chuckled. “So apparently when I’m at my most disgusting, I’m my most feminine?”

“No. When you were at your weakest you were still you. You didn’t try to be anything but Yvette. It was then that I realized that this wasn’t an act. That you weren’t just pretending to be something. That you were this. That you were a girl who just...” He trailed off for a moment before shaking his head again. “That if you could be that weak and miserable and still keep the act up, it wasn’t an act.”

She stared up at him, her mouth falling open. “You’ve really… since then?”

He nodded. “Yes. So don’t think for a moment that my doubts or questions have anything to do with you being anything but a woman, Yvette,” he said firmly. He pulled his hand back and she almost instantly missed the soft stroke of his hand through her hair. “But that doesn’t change things. I’m still not sure. I care about you, at the very least. You’re important to me. You’re kind of like...”

Yvette gave a small sigh. “Like a little sister?” she asked, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice.

“You’re nothing like her,” Gervas said harshly. “And I would never let you be. No. You’re like a member of the fighting company, a shield sister, I guess would be a good way to put it. Someone who I can trust to have my back.”

She stared at him for a few moments. “Wait, you have a little sister?”

“That’s not really relevant here, is it?”

“No. So, um. Would you, then? Consider with someone who’s a shield sister? You know, it still has sister in the name, though. That makes it pretty confusing.”

Gervas sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe? I don’t know. I’ve never thought of you like that in the slightest. It’s hard to--”

“Kiss me,” she finally said. She didn’t know WHY she said it, but the words had come out before she’d had a chance to really think about it and now her cheeks turned scarlet once more.

“W-what?” he asked.

“Kiss me. If you don’t mind kissing me, then maybe you might--”

“No,” he said, shaking his head once again.

“But--”

“I’m not going to kiss you just to see if I can,” he said, his voice filled with exasperation.

“But I want you to!” she blurted out. She stared for a few moments before lowering her eyes. “That sounds really, really stupid when I say it out loud. I’m sorry.”

Gervas stared at her for a few moments before shaking his head once more. “It’s because of things like that I have trouble taking you seriously.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve just never felt like this before. It’s kind of new territory for me.”

Gervas paused and eyed her for a long moment. Finally, he spoke up. “You’ve never had anyone?”

“No.”

“None of the other students?”

“Not really.”

“Nobody in the village?”

Yvette sighed and shook her head. “No. I mean, sure, I’ve heard of it. And I’d sometimes hear people gossiping about their romances. But I didn’t really care. Nobody really...” She trailed off for a moment, struggling to find the words. “Nobody ever accepted me. Honestly, a lot of them kind of scared me. I didn’t trust them.”

“What about that girl who saw you off? Wasn’t she a--”

“Ermina? NO!” Yvette said, shaking her head rapidly. “No no no no. She was like a sister to me. At best. Half the time she wouldn’t even listen to me.”

“So I’m your first. Yvette, you’re going to--”

“If you say I’m going to find a lot of people I fall in love with, I will punch you. I do not care if you punch me back, it’ll be worth it.”

Gervas stopped, eyeing her. She could see the reluctance in his eyes, along with the worry. “Yvette, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t,” she whispered, moving closer to sit by him. She reached a hand out towards his, before pulling it back. To her surprise, his hand reached out to grab hers.

“I… I’ll think on it.”

“Now who’s the mage?” she asked with a small smile.

“I’m not the one rushing into the jaws of a monster,” he said curtly.

“Oh, so I’m a monster now? I won’t bite,” she said with a teasing smile. Despite the pain in her heart, she could feel the wounds closing, just a little. “I don’t expect you to love me back. Especially not now. But will you at least consider it?”

Gervas gave a small nod, his own hand squeezing hers. “I will. You really are the most troublesome mage I’ve ever had to guard.”

“How many fallen mages have you had to protect?”

“Fair enough. We can discuss this later. Once I’ve had some time to think about it. First, we need to work on escaping.”

“I don’t think that’s going to be possible,” Yvette said with a nervous chuckle. “Besides, they’re taking us where we want to go. So that’s good, right?”

“How do we know they’re not taking us back to some prison?”

Yvette was silent for a long moment, trying to think of the reason. For some reason, she couldn’t come up with a logical answer immediately. She just believed the captain. But really, what reason did the woman have to tell them the truth? To take them anywhere?

Her eyes widened. “Because they need me.”

“Then why would they let you go?”

“No, not NOW. They don’t need me as I am. They need me if I succeed. They need someone who can fix the true form of others.”

Gervas stared at her as if she had grown a second hand. “I’m sorry, what? Why would they need you for that? You can’t just magically--”

“But I can,” she said, grinning up at him. “The stuff I need, it’s rare. Dangerous. Some of it is bound to be on land. They can’t just go on this quest of mine to find it. But if I manage to find everything I need, if I succeed? I can help them. The captain told me there are others like me in the crew. She won’t tell me who, of course. But I could help them.”

“How do you know she was telling the truth? She could just be saying that so you trust her,” Gervas said quickly. “She’s a pirate. For all you know she intends to kill you the moment we--”

“Why?” Yvette asked. “What would she gain? Look around. We’re trapped. I have no reagents to use my magic. Even if I did, they have powerful mages on board. There’s no way I could defeat all of them, even if I had my bracer I doubt I could. How would we get back to shore, then? This ship is massive, one of three. We couldn’t get back to land with just the two of us.”

“Because then you’d cause less trouble.”

Yvette thought about the captain for a moment and then imagined the first mate. She gave a light shudder. “I don’t think she’s worried about anyone causing trouble.”

“Yvette, we--” Gervas stopped himself then. He looked her up and down before giving a soft, defeated sigh. “Do you think we’re safe? Do you really believe that we’re going to be okay if we stay here? If we don’t try to escape?”

“I really do.”

“Then I’ll trust you. I won’t try to escape or fight them. But if they kill us in the end--”

“They could have killed us at any time. If they decide to now, there isn’t a whole lot we can do about it,” Yvette muttered. She gave his hand a light squeeze. “Trust me? Please? You said I was like a shield sister, right? So please trust me that I know what I’m doing.”

“You’re still a mage. Shield sister or not.”

“And you’re still paranoid.”

“It has kept me alive.”

“You can’t spend your whole life being worried about what might end it. You’ll forget to live.”

He gave a light snort. “Not all of us can run head first into danger and trust our ability to turn into a rat to save us.”

“Obviously you just need to run into danger more. I’m very experienced in it, you know. It’s how I’m still alive,” she said said with a small grin. She could see him start to relax, though. His hand around hers felt so good. She desperately wanted to lean forward and press her lips against his, but she knew she couldn’t. She had to be patient. Had to do this at his pace. No matter how desperately she wanted more. But it wasn’t a no. At least, not yet.

Maybe one day. Maybe eventually. Despite the fact it had felt so impossible before, for the first time she really felt as if, just maybe, she could do this. She could have him. Have everything she wanted. Everything she needed.

“You won’t leave me, will you?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“What?”

“Even if you can’t love someone like me. You won’t leave me, will you?”

He stared at her and his other hand moved up, gently brushing her hair. “Yvette, I promise. I won’t leave you alone. Nobody should have to go through this alone.”

Yvette’s heart pounded all the harder and she gave a small nod. “Thank you.”

Even if she couldn’t have him fully, she could be happy just having him in her life. That would have to be enough.