Her True Form

Yvette woke up, though within a moment she wished she hadn’t. Everything hurt. Her legs felt as if they’d been shredded. Her stomach was burning. Her hands felt as if they had knives through them with the smallest twitch causing a sharp pain.

However, she wasn’t cold. She was laying down, only a few feet from a fire. She could feel bandages wrapped around her body, but she couldn’t feel her clothes. She was wrapped from head to toe in furs.

It took her a few more moments to realize she wasn’t in the chamber, either. She was inside one of the small, mountain shaped homes that the zmaj lived in. She could see a small opening in the top of it, through which the smoke escaped. No light came from outside, though, so she imagined it had to be night now.

A small sound drew her attention and she realized she wasn’t alone. She looked to the right and saw Gervas. He was asleep beside her, laying under one of the furs.

She stared at him for a few moments and felt tears forming in her eyes. “I’m sorry...” she whispered.

His eyes opened almost instantly and he sat up. “What?” he asked. His eyes then caught hers and he gasped. “Yvette! You’re awake. Are you okay? How do you feel?”

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, staring up at him. She didn’t know how they came here, how she was here, but she knew he had to have done it. He’d worked so hard for her, even after they had barely escaped. Yet she’d almost abandoned him. How could she be so selfish?

“What? It’s okay, we’re okay. We--”

“It’s not okay!” she repeated, clenching her fists and then quickly letting them go when the sharp pain almost made her cry. “I-I almost left you behind! I almost abandoned you!” she said.

Gervas stared down at her, a look of confusion on his face. “What? When?”

“When we were in there. When we were… when I transformed. I-I couldn’t find the source of the magic. I couldn’t find it. S-so I was going to, I was going to run. I was going to run away and leave you behind. I… I...” She felt the tears start to flow down her face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was going to leave you behind. I was… after everything you’ve done for me. After all of the risks you’ve taken and dangers you’ve gone through t-to help me. I-I was going to just leave you behind. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve your help.” She tried to roll away, but the heavy furs made it hard for her to move.

However, he only smiled down at her, that amused, knowing grin of his that she was starting to find a mix of annoying and adorable. “Then why didn’t you?”

“W-what?”

“You didn’t run, did you?”

“I was going to, I--”

“But you didn’t,” he said again.

“I didn’t want to,” Yvette said softly. “You’ve done so much for me, I couldn’t just abandon you. You’ve never abandoned me. Ever.”

“I’ve thought about it, though,” he said firmly.

Those words cut through her like a knife, sending fresh pain that even her wounds couldn’t compare with. “What? You have?”

“Plenty of times. It’s not easy, what you’re doing. I’ve measured it more times than I can count in my mind. The dangers, the risks, all of that. Everything. I’ve considered just leaving you on your own.”

Yvette stared at him, her mouth falling open. “But--”

“But that’s just a thought. Nothing more, nothing less. You had the opportunity to abandon me. But you didn’t, did you?” he asked.

She flushed and shook her head. “No...”

“That’s what matters,” he said before moving over so he was sitting beside her, looking down. “It doesn’t matter if you have those thoughts. You were scared and you saw a way out. An easy way. Seeing the easy way doesn’t make you bad or selfish.”

“But I--”

“But you didn’t take it. It’s not what you think or feel in a difficult moment that matters. It’s what you do during those times,” Gervas said with a smile, his hand reaching down to brush her hair back. “That’s all that matters.”

Yvette nodded, staring up at him. “What… I do. Can I ask you a question, then? And… promise not to think less of me for it?” she asked.

“Of course.

She stared up at him and gave a soft little sigh. “I… since… starting this journey. Since being on the road, I’ve felt… it’s going to sound odd. But, I mean, I...” She trailed off, struggling to find the words.

“What?”

“Less upset. Less angry.”

Gervas cocked an eye. “Excuse me?”

“I feel less upset now. Less angry. Less… I don’t get as mad when people call me the wrong thing. I don’t...”

“You don’t fight as hard as you used to?” he asked.

She gave a small nod. “Yes. I think I have more doubts sometimes, too. That I’m right. Sometimes I get ideas to just give in. Or collapse. Or stop it. I feel I can’t go on. More than I used to. What if I’m not strong enough to do this?” she asked.

He gave a soft chuckle. “Yvette. How long have you been fighting?”

“Huh? I mean, we didn’t fight much back in training, since--”

“No. I mean, to be a woman. How long have you been struggling? How long have you been trying?”

She flushed. “For years. I--”

“And how often have you not had to fight for it? How long has it been accepted?”

Yvette’s cheeks turned bright red at that. “I mean, I think you’re the only one to stop making me fight.”

He nodded. “Exactly. Yvette, doubts are normal. Those thoughts? That urge to run and hide? Lots of people have those. You’ve been fighting for a long, long, long time. Alone. Those doubts were likely always there. Those fears.”

She sunk a little more into the bedding. “You’re probably right. I’m sor--”

“That doesn’t make them bad,” he said, cutting her off. “Everyone has fears. Doubts. About almost everything. But Yvette, you’ve been fighting so long and so hard to be yourself, that you’ve never been able to let yourself feel them.”

“W-what?”

“I’ve seen it before,” Gervas said with a nod. “Those in battle. Soldiers who won’t say anything. Who never show any fear, any worry. Who isolate themselves. Those who are afraid to acknowledge their own fears.” He gently reached out and stroked her forehead gently. “When all you do is fight, you won’t allow yourself to have those moments of weakness. You push them aside.”

She flushed. “So I used to be stronger?”

“No. Because bending is something everyone has to do,” Gervas said softly. “You were strong because you had to be. You had to push forward, you had to keep trying and ignoring everything else. Because if you didn’t, no one else would help you. You couldn’t bend at all. But that eventually causes you to do one thing. Eventually, you just hit that point where you shatter entirely.”

Yvette nodded, giving him a small smile. “So I’ve been shattering?”

“No. When you shatter, you don’t come back,” Gervas whispered. “You’re learning to bend. Having doubts doesn’t mean those doubts are true. Having those thoughts doesn’t mean that you’re the kind of person who gives into them. It just means you have them. You’re learning how to be strong when you need to be. And when you can rest and let someone else help you.”

“I don’t feel stronger.”

“But I’ll bet you feel less tired.”

Yvette gave a small nod. All of the times she’d tensed up when she was called a boy, only for him to step in and correct them for her. The times she was able to let her own doubts and fears come through, that she couldn’t handle this. Only for him to support her and tell her the words she needed to hear. Times like now. Just like he said, she didn’t have to fight as hard every time. She truly did feel calmer, knowing that she could relax and nobody was going to come barging into her room, yelling at her to be Tebaud. She gave a small smile. “Thank you. I do feel less tired. I mean, not right now, though.” She gave a soft laugh. “Right now, I feel like I just got thrown into a ‘trial’ that was broken at every step. All to run into a dragon turtle that was never there to begin with.” She gave a soft groan, her frustration growing with every word. “Then almost getting crushed by a big, stupid, cruel turtle. It felt like I was going to die so many times. But we still won.” She couldn’t keep the spreading feeling of disappointment from growing, though. Nor could she keep the pain out of her voice. They’d done all this, worked so hard to find that scale. And yet, in the end, it hadn’t been here at all. They’d have to start over from scratch. They’d gone through all of this, just to have nothing to show for it.

“I know it was hard, but we did it. You turned that monster back into a normal turtle. You almost died, doing it.” His smile wavered. “For a little bit, I thought you had.”

Yvette gave a small smile. “Was it that bad?” If nothing else, at least he would be here for it.

His expression hardened and he gave a nod. “Yes. You were were covered in blood and half drowned when I managed to fish you out. I didn’t think you’d make it. Do you remember anything from the last two weeks?”

Yvette nodded. “Yes? We were on the boat and--”

“No. Not that. Sorry. Let me rephrase. It’s been almost two weeks since we went down through those trials, Yvette,” Gervas said firmly. “You were in and out of consciousness a few times. Do you remember?”

She stared at him. Try as she might, she couldn’t remember anything. Only sinking into the water. “It has?” She glanced back at the ring on her finger. Two lost weeks. Had they started to search for her now? Were they going to find her?

“Yes. You haven’t been very coherent. And… well...”

She gulped nervously, slowly looking around the room and realizing just where she was. The Mage’s Association could be the least of her worries. “And? The zmaj, they haven’t… killed us? We’re in their city, aren’t we?”

“They almost did. They wanted to when I came back up, carrying your bloody body, but, well...” He trailed off before his hand reached over besides the bed. He pulled up a small, cloth wrapped bundle and opened it.

Inside was a jagged, spiky scale as big as her hand that seemed to shimmer with rapidly shifting colors in the fire light. “This was lodged in your stomach. They couldn’t deny what it is. At that point… Durandet is still furious at us. But since we gained this, they won’t hurt us. At least, for now. We got a boon from the dragon turtle, at least. One way or another.”

Yvette’s eyes locked onto it, her mouth falling open. “Is… is that...” She felt the dread beginning to melt away, replaced by hope.

“A dragon turtle’s scale.”

The mage stared at it for a moment before letting out a soft, weak giggle. She collapsed back into the furs and closed her eyes.

They’d done it. They’d both almost died. But they’d done it. They’d gotten a piece of the spell. They’d had to travel the ocean, given up so much, nearly died more times than she could count, fight off a massive, greedy turtle and work their way through a broken trial. But they’d done it. One more step closer. She hoped the next steps would be easier than this. “We did it. Oh my gosh we did it. Do… do you know what this means?”

“That you’re going to keep almost getting yourself killed?” Gervas asked with a shake of his head.

“What? No, of course not,” she said flatly. “I’m going to keep almost getting both of us killed, until you decide to do the smart thing and let me do this alone,” she said in a teasing tone.

“Right, of course. Keep almost getting both of us killed.” He then gave a soft sigh and she could see there was something else bothering him.

“What’s wrong? Wait. Do… they… are they demanding the scale?” Yvette asked softly.

He shook his head. “No. You faced the trial and earned it, so to speak. But… you should rest before we set out again.”

She stared at him for a few more moments. “What’s wrong?”

“Yvette, you’ve been through a lot. I don’t--”

“Just tell me. Please,” she said, feeling another surge of dread in her stomach.

He eyed her before shaking his head. “You were hurt. They needed to… you’ve been unconscious for a while. They know about your condition,” he said softly. “Is that how you put it?”

Yvette blinked a few times, struggling to process that. “So they think I’m a guy?”

“I’ve tried to make them understand, but they won’t listen,” Gervas said, the frustration evident in his voice. “But once their medics took a look at you, once word got around, I’m sorry. I wouldn’t expect them to treat you as a woman anymore.”

Yvette just stared at him. She did feel frustrated and annoyed. She’d nearly died. They’d both nearly died. Yet they were still going to insist on calling her a him?

But it was so much weaker an annoyance than she expected. In fact, she barely noticed it.

Even if they did call her a him, what did she care? She stared up at Gervas and gave a small smile. “But you’ll still treat me like a woman, won’t you?”

“Of course. You are one,” Gervas said firmly.

“Then that’s fine. I’m used to it, so--”

“You shouldn’t have to be used to it,” he said harshly.

Yvette stared up at him, unable to keep the tears from forming in her eyes once more.

“Yvette? I’m sorry. I--”

“I’m not sad,” she said quickly, shaking her head. “I-I’m happy. I’m so happy,” she whispered.

“What?”

“I’m just happy I have you,” she whispered, the tears making her vision blurry. Even then, though, she could see the smile spreading across his lips.

Gervas gave a light chuckle before, slowly, his hand reached out to gently brush her hair back. “Of course you have me. I’m your guardian, remember? I take my job very seriously. Now, I think you should get some more sleep. We’ve still got a long road ahead of us. You still need to heal. Most importantly, you’re still sick.”

Yvette nodded. However, a new thought hit her. If she’d been unconscious for two weeks, that meant one important thing. “How are we going to get back to the mainland?”

“I’m not sure. But we’ll figure that out together. For now, let me worry about that. Now, rest. I’m going to get you something to eat,” he said before getting to his feet and turning to walk out the exit of the hut.

She watched the exit for a long while, imagining his form, his face.

He was her guardian.

He was her protector.

He saw her as Yvette.

She glanced back towards the scale, resting on the small cloth. The first piece.

Yvette flushed and gave a soft shudder. She’d never really thought much about what she’d do once she became a girl. Once she had finally fixed herself. For so long, the task ahead of her had felt so overwhelmingly huge that she couldn’t imagine anything after it. When she’d already had to dedicate all of her energy towards just surviving and healing herself, how could she allow herself to waste the focus she didn’t have to spare on what might come after what seemed impossible?

But now she felt herself wanting something else after that.

She wondered if it made her greedy. Selfish.

She felt her heart beating ever faster.

The journey ahead was so overwhelmingly dangerous and terrifying, but she had to face it. She had to go through it.

But thanks to Gervas she didn’t have to go through it alone.

When everything was over, when she was finally her true self, would he still be there?

She breathed a little faster, her heart beating so fast she thought it might explode. She melted back into the covers, feeling suddenly dizzy.

This goal of hers always felt so huge. So impossibly huge.

But she didn’t have to face it alone. She didn’t have to fight alone. With him helping to carry the burden, it didn’t feel so heavy anymore. The weight that felt as if it was crushing her, now felt possible.

She gave another soft whimper, closing her eyes.

She did have feelings for him.

And now that she knew she did, she knew they were growing stronger.

And the stronger they were, the more important they felt to her.

And the more important they became, the harder it was to push them aside.

And if she couldn’t, if he found out, could he ever truly love her back? He called her Yvette. He protected her. He kept her safe. Not just physically, but emotionally. He tried to make others see her for who she was. He felt for her. Cared about her.

He didn’t ask her to try to be something she wasn’t. All he asked was that she try to be the best she could be. That she keep trying. He didn’t seem to care that this entire journey was so she could be herself, that all of the hardships were because she wanted to be right. He never made her feel guilty for it. Never hurt her for it.

All he asked from her was what he’d ask of any mage. That she try and use her powers, her abilities to help. To grow. To develop. It felt like so little, yet in return he gave her something more precious than she could ever put into words.

He saw her as Yvette. It was such a simple thing, but sometimes it felt as if nobody else ever could. He was there for her, when nobody else was.

Thanks to him, she didn’t have to face this alone. She could never thank him enough for that.

Was it okay for her to want to ask him for more? To want to ask him to be there, by her side, not just for this but for everything beyond?

She glanced towards the entrance one more time and gave a soft sigh. No matter how the world stormed against her, at least, for now, she wasn’t alone. She slowly glanced back towards the scale and gave a small smile.

It felt so impossible. So overwhelming. But together, they’d done it. Even if they had so many more dangers ahead of them, she knew they could handle it.

And maybe, when everything was over, she could tell him how she felt. Maybe he could even return those feelings for her.

Yvette pulled her right hand out from under the furs. It was tightly bound, her fingers wrapped together so only her thumb was free. Slowly, she reached out and gripped the scale between her thumb and palm and lifted it before her eyes.

Despite all the pain and exhaustion she’d been through, when she looked at the scale it truly felt possible. No matter what threats lay ahead, they would face them together. As a team.

And if they could beat those seemingly impossible odds, if they could retrieve precious treasures like this scale, then nothing could stand in their way. Her way.

She gave a small grin and shifted the scale so it glimmered in different colors.

She’d never let the dangers or difficulty of this spell stop her from fixing herself.

So why should she allow her own feelings and desires to fall aside? She gave a sigh and let the scale slowly fall, her arm collapsing onto the covers, the exhaustion finally making it hard to move.

He was right. It didn’t matter what stray thoughts or feelings came to her. It mattered what she did. She had decided long ago she wanted, no, had to be a woman. Now it was just changing, slightly.

Now she had to be the woman who deserved the man she was falling in love with. No matter how hard it was, she wouldn’t back down from this challenge.

The smile never left her lips, even when she began to feel her consciousness slipping away.