Harry Potter: The Blogger of Hogwarts

Things have become rather topsy turvy since my last update. I'm pleased to announce that my scheme to have RW become HP's "friend" and spy on him has borne fruit. Demonstrating disgusting levels of cunning, RW has become rather attached to HP at the hip and readily acquiesced to my bribery in order to spy on HP. And it's a good thing he's there serving my will, because matters have significantly devolved. My worst fears have been realized.

There are four houses at Warthogs and one of them – let us call it Zmijozel – is entirely peopled with evil people. And if they are not evil now as children, they will become evil later in life. It is practically pulsating with darkness. No good can ever derive from that house. HP, lamentably, was sorted into that house and not, shall we say, Nebelvír like his parents. Ah, JP and LP, what a tragic loss your deaths were. Well, mostly JP. LP was a pest and it was for the best she died before she could infect the world with her stupid philosophies which went against the GREATER GOOD.

HP now is making waves by trying to whitewash the sins of Zmijozel, but I am not fooled! I know who is behind these actions, and it is not HP, but rather Lord V himself! You see, Lord V created items called Horcruxes to tie himself to the mortal realm and prevent himself from dying. But his soul became so unstable that when he went to kill poor HP, he left behind a Horcrux in the boy himself. And since HP no longer follows the path of the GREATER GOOD, I can only conclude that it is because Lord V's Horcrux now has consumed him entirely.

Fortunately, the first war against Lord V taught me the path of cunning, which, of course, is evil when Zmijozelové do it, but not when it is done by worthy Nebelvírští such as myself. Many people at Warthogs have accused me of losing my marbles recently, but what they do not realize is that I am deliberately pretending to be senile to get my enemies to underestimate me.

Take my first meeting with HP. I played up the act, pretending to mistake him for his father and offering him a tray of nonexistent lemon drops. This made him overconfident, enough to lead a rebellion against me for taking perfectly sensible safety precautions, like sending students to return to dungeons that just happened to have been where a troll was recently sighted.

Ah, but unfortunately, I underestimated the base cunning of Lord V. His main soul had possessed QQ in a completely unexpected turn of events and then "tried to kill" HP in an artfully dramatic production designed to make me think he had been defeated. After being attacked, HP, completely unprovoked, attacked poor Lord V and tried to kill him! An attempted murder in my school! Disgusting! The boy burned QQ to death with his bare hands! And then after the shade of Lord V emerged from QQ's rotting, putrid carcass, his no doubt ally Professor AS, head of Zmijozel, sucked the wraith into a portal and actually is telling people Lord V is dead! Was Professor AS the subject of a prophecy? I rather think not!

And to make matters worse, HP has been defying me repeatedly by not breaking the rules I explicitly laid out for him not to go to the third floor corridor and investigate the Philosopher's Stone! He doesn't even seem to care! Let me tell you about a conversation I recently had with the boy.

"My boy!" I said, detaching from the shadows in a colorful burst of pink and yellow glitter.

"MY EYES!" HP screamed as the stupid, melodramatic child rolled back and forth on the floor as if he was hurt.

I rolled my eyes and cast a petrifying spell on him to get him to at least stand still for a while. "HP, HP, this sort of behavior is hardly becoming in a heroic young man such as yourself," I chided him. "Now did you know that I am quite well renowned, if I may be so bold as to brag, for my studies in alchemy? Didn't see that coming, now did you?"

"I can't see anything! IT BURNS!"

I ignored his silly complaints and charged forward. "My good friend Nicholas and I worked together to discover quite a few uses for dragon's blood over the years."

HP managed to free himself from my spell and wipe his eyes with a tissue. "Oh, thank God, that's better. Headmaster, seriously, don't do that! I could have gone blind."

"Of course you well recall that Nicholas is famous for creating the Philosopher's Stone."

HP blinked. "I'm pretty sure it's called the Sorcerer's Stone."

"God, no, that's a terrible name," I said. Who came up with that anyway, some American? "No, the Philosopher's Stone turns base metals into gold and can create the Elixir of Life, giving one immortality and healing any illness."

.....

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