LIGHTNOVELONLINE How the CIA advanced their technology
The year was 1947; Roswell, New Mexico.
It was a bright and blazing day. Pretty typical all things considered. However, the then-young Central Intelligence Agency had their own private base now known as Area 51. Their radars caught a foreign object near the area. Seeing as how the fear of Communism had already started its roots back then, they shot it without asking. It was practically protocol at that point; even some of the local pilots knew to never swing by "the dead zone." If anyone was dumb enough to go near that area, the blame was on the pilot, not the base with clear private sectors marked. Anyway, near the edge of town, Kenneth Arnolds, a civilian, reported seeing a "flying saucer" in the sky. He drove over to where the saucer crashed, only to be greeted by Government officials who beat him by 15 minutes.
Though the officers promptly told Kenneth to "Go back to town and forget everything [he] just saw", Kenneth saw a glimpse of some soldiers dragging a body while frantically putting a tarp over the wreckage.
Kenneth didn't really know what he saw, but he still reported it anyway. Overnight, mass media covered the incident, which led to the government spreading a false story just to calm down the fire of suspicious civilians.
What really ended up happening was the Government dragging the hill of scrap that was the saucer, back to their base, and of course-
taking home an Alien.
The Alien was a weird blend between gray-ish and orange-ish. It was reported to be around Five foot-four. They were surprisingly human-esque, which unnerved a lot of the soldiers back then. The fact that there was alien life out there shocked them; the only thing scarier than that to them was the fact that they were so similar to humans. The Alien's eyes were Pitch black, but his head wasn't ginormous or anything like most depictions would lead people to assume. And he wasn't weak or frail either. Reports stated that he was relatively lean. Of course the first thing they did was drag the unconscious thing's ass back to base and lock him up with clamps around his wrists, neck, and ankles. They attempted doing tests on the alien, but the most they could get was getting DNA samples from its saliva. Every time they tried injecting a syringe into the Alien's flesh, the skin just bent. It could not pierce through no matter if it was a machine poking with the most precise amount of pressure possible, or if it was a rookie stabbing the Alien with all his force, only to get bounced back from the sheer elasticity from the Alien's skin. After the fifth hour, they were so amused by the Alien's... Alien physique, they started shooting the damn thing... while it was still unconscious. And all of the bullets landed perfectly on its skin, before softly bouncing back out. Not a single mark of penetration.
While the soldiers were unsuccessfully experimenting with the Alien's unconscious body, other military scientists and engineers attempted at dissecting the ship. A hexagonal saucer type ship with pretty mediocre damage. Despite getting nailed by an anti-armor artillery round, the damage done was no more than a bubbled dent that was 8 inches deep and 18 inches wide. Those studying the material were understandably perplexed. Any other aircraft would've exploded midair and turned into giblets of shrapnel and scrap. What's even weirder to them was that the dent was slowly yet surely bubbling outwards back to its original round shape. No matter how many times they attempted to scrape and scratch, or chip off a mere atom of the substance, they couldn't do it.
Five hours of dicking around.
All wasted.
CIA recorders and video photographers kept on coming back and forth back and forth back and forth to see any process and document any new footage.
"Any progress on the-"
A resounding "No" came from all the scientists.
"DAMN IT" shouted some of the documenters.
Of course their job was only to note down any new progress that happened. Be it minute or grand, they jotted down the newly gained knowledge and wouldn't let anyone outside of The Company know about it for decades to come. And seeing as how this one instance confirmed the speculations and fears of many, they expected more out of it.
But seeing as how they've been in the same position from where they started, for five hours no less, the excitement evaporated rather quickly.
Until...
The alien slowly opened its eyes. Its gaze met four scientists with surgical apparel on them. Tools hovered above the alien's face, while fingers poked and pulled on the alien's cushiony flesh.
A garbled croaking screech was emitted out of the extra terrestrial's mouth. All of the scientists shrieked and jumped backwards in shock. Despite the harrowing sound of a demonic frog being gutted echoing throughout the facility, the Alien too was shocked. Noticing it had restraints on its ankles, wrists, and neck, it immediately pulled its limbs and neck outward in an explosive manner. The steel restraints were pulled out effortlessly. Shocked, yet still confused, it stared at the scenery.
Those restraints were... were they even restraints? In terms of intention, it sure seemed like it but pulling them out had the same effect as picking up a pencil for typical humans. These creatures... they looked similar to itself in terms of shape, but they were definitely weaker... and smellier... and uglier... and stupider..!
Despite most of the humans being taller, their wavering body language and constant shrieks made the alien realize they weren't that much of a threat at all. The room it was in was large and spacious, like a vehicle hangar, but with crude, underdeveloped vehicles instead of the splendorous space ships that it was used to seeing. Speaking of space ships, he saw a couple of humans surrounding a dented spac- hey HEY HEY HEY-
In its mind, it just realized
"(HEY THAT'S MY SHIP!
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU GUYS DO TO IT!)"
Despite the Alien thinking in its head-
the surrounding humans somehow heard a murmur in their heads as well.
The shrieking stopped. All of them were unsure of what to do. Despite a few of them holding up pistols and rifles, they were in too much shock to pull the trigger. Even then, they all knew it wouldn't do much.
The humans held a staring contest with the peculiar individual for what felt like five minutes. But with all of them calming down, the alien took the reactions as a massive hint. He tried to think again.
A resounding noise came from the back of each human's head. An echo, a murmur. Croaks of an alligator blurred with fizzled radio static. Thousands of foreign tongues speaking at once.
"ᏂᏦᎩፚᏬፈᏦᏠ. ᏁᏦጀᏦፚᎧᎥᎶᏒ ᎷᏬᎶፚ. ᎶᏖᎥᎧᏦᏖፚ ᏒᏬጀᏠ. ᏁᏦᎶᏰᏦᏖ ᏉᏦᎧጀᎥᏦጀ; ᎩᏦᎶ ᏬᏝ ᏝᏒᎶᏕᏦᎩ
ASHL;ASDKGLD;ASGNKGJIOEWOIER2014JUOASDKJXZC,MXC,VJUOKEF
ASD;LKNG1987kldajoibLKAJDNDSlkgjmsdsKKKKjgpsknldofcpoijaklnemGD;LASKDGJN;lkn
alksnelia2004LDGISNG LSIGISDG;[P[ASLKJR;asdgoa;ADGkgkGLklabxc
AS;Lgdaslneago-qqowrjnklxj1992sldgj;aodsginblbbisdjxcokjl;alkmn,zmnxcbcvmx,
las;ne;legtij2016asd;lknetggohij;lasejnelkg;oibopbacccaccacaaaaannnnnn yoououoiuiiuiuouoou heeararararrrrrrr
ccccaaaannnn yyyyyouououo
heeeeeeeeeereeee mmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeee
cccaaannn yyoouuuu heear mmeee
Hhhelloo? Caann youu heeaear me?"
A collective "Holy shit," left every scientist's mouth.
The Alien just spoke... without opening its mouth. And they could understand him! And... and he sounds like a guy from Chicago of all things!"
"(Alright, I think that's a resounding yes.)" stated the Alien
"(Ok so, first thing's first-
THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY CAR
THERE IS A GIANT DENT IN IT. WHAT DID YOU DO? SERIOUSLY. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY HOURS THAT'S GOING TO TAKE TO GO BACK TO ITS ORIGINAL SHAPE? GOD!)"
The scientists were obviously still stricken with fear, but a few of them were so curious, they still decided to talk.
"D-D-DON'T KILL ME, PLEASE! I HAVE A WIFE AND DAUGHTER!" yelled one of the scientists.
The alien gave an annoyed stare.
The very moment he telepathically spoke, all of the information in each human's head was being downloaded inside the alien's brain in the background.
"No you don't. In fact, you don't even like women, why would you lie abou-"
He immediately processed all of the information in each human's head right before he finished that sentence.
"(Oh.
ooooooooohh-oh.
Oh you're gonna die. Yeah it's over guy. That one's already thinking of firing you. Sorry about that.
Anyway, why would I want to kill any of you?
I want my car fixed, not stained with blood. Like- I can sort of understand why your brains would think that but- you guys are so illogical it actually makes no sense to me even when I try to understand it.)"
One of the researchers propped up.
"Wh-why won't you kill us?"
As he spoke, some of the crew members with cameras tried to sneakily turn on the device so as to get a glimpse of this occurrence on tape.
Before the alien answered the lady, he looked at the camera crew member.
"(You're not slick. Ask for permission first.)"
The camera guy fell back and stared, threatened that the alien noticed. Not that he was that sly to begin with. After they caught their breath, they finally asked aloud.
"P-Permission to... record?"
"(Permission granted. Don't forget to get my good side.
Anyway, I already answered this question. God you humans aren't the listening type, are you? There's no reason for me to get blood in my hands if I gain nothing from it. Not like you guys know my insurance company. That's like shooting a guy over a dent on your ca- okay that one's not that impossible to happen, BUT, it's still rare nonetheless. Just because I'm an alien doesn't mean I don't have insurance and cars and guns like you guys. And I already read most of your puny minds like- I can vaguely understand why you'd think there's some squibbly goobebly tentacle monsters out there with 8 eyes and shoot lasers and this and that and this and that- and they definitely exist out there, but... not all aliens are like that. I mean come on, my IQ is 4 by the power of 18 times greater than all of your guys' minds combined so... yeah of course i'd have insurance on my ship and whatnot.
But some of you were already thinking that a natural response from me would be to retaliate out of defense.
And well...
You bring up a good point)"
Several objects started floating in the air. Pencils. Stacks of papers. The camera. A tank in the background. Some hovered mere inches while others were being tossed in the air, weaving with such grace that they didn't collide with any walls or frameworks. Soon after that, all the humans felt a faint pressure on the bodies. Half of them floated alongside the objects, screaming for mercy as they feared they were going to collide against the tank. The other half fell to the ground on all fours as their gravity increased. The pressure and shape of an imaginary anvil gently pressed their backs, teasing its heft.
After 15 seconds of fear mongering, the Alien let all of the nouns gently revert back to normal. Those who floated were plopped on their behinds while those who felt they were about to be crushed, laid on all fours, looking like fools.
The alien clapped and made an innocent smile.
"(But why would I do that!)" he mocked telepathically.
Of course, all of the humans were shocked beyond comprehension.
Most couldn't do anything.
But those who could, whipped out their standard army issued Colt 1911s and started blasting.
The Alien continued to monologue as it used one of its fingers to halt each bullet that landed against its tip.
"(I'm way smarter than all of you so- ow- obviously that whole retaliation and bloodshed- ow - is out of my system. If I was younger and stupider and uglier, I maybe would've taken my frustration out on you guys but like- for the third time now- I wouldn't get anyth- ow - thing out of it. I already demonstrated that I could. Quite easily in fact. But... yeah no. I just want to get the hell out of here.)"
"HOW... HOW DID YOU DO THAT????" asked one of the main officers presiding over the project.
"(What, are you for real? You guys have been able to do this for like... a long time. There's no way all of you lost how to do this. Actually, now that I think about it, last time I talked about you guys, you guys seemed a lot taller. And stronger. And handsomer. And wiser. And arguably smarter. And aren't as impressed with simple party tricks but... I guess a lot of things can change in a couple thousand years).
Oh to answer your question, brain power. Next question.)"
"YOU'RE... YOU'RE THE DEVIL!"
"(That's not a question; back of the line.)"
"Why did you...why did you come here?"
"(wh-
I-
YOU SHOT ME!
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN wh-wh-wh-why did you come here! GUY- I'M THE VICTIM HERE, YOU TELL ME WHY YOU SHOT ME- OH WAIT- I ALREADY KNOW! YOU SAW ME CASUALLY CRUISING BY AND YOU SAID 'NAH MAN, GET HIM OUT OF HERE'
And here we are. That answer your question?")
"Actually....
No, not really. Why were you cruising near Earth to begin with."
"(Oh... oh yeah right.
I was on my way to a kegger a couple solar systems away right, and I was THIS 🤏 close to arriving within ten minutes. But I couldn't hold it, so I slowed way down (which is probably how you guys were able to hit me in the first place) and I intended to unload my bladder once I was near a comfy spot. Before you ask- no, it's not how you guys do it- way different- waaaaaaaaaaaay different)"
One of the scientists in the back lowered his raised hand after hearing the main question in his head answered.
"(I was JUST ready to unload before my ship got dinked by a weak yet cumbersome blast, which knocked me out. Next thing I know, I have these ugly creatures touching me without my consent and they're trying to PURPOSEFULLY DENT MY SHIP, and now... here I am.
... hang on, you said something... weird...
You guys call your planet 'Earth'???)"
"Y...Yes?"
"(That's...
dumb.
That's really dumb. That's like calling your planet 'rock' or 'dirt'. Also that's not what its actually called but, if the natives call it one thing, and if the officials call it another- who's in the right ya know? I mean me personally, ፚጀᏠᎧᏋᏠᎧᏝᏕᏁᏉᏬᏝ 🐀 rolls off the tongue way easier but... hey man, if that's what you want to call it... you're still wrong but, you do you)"
All scientists gave a puzzled look.
"What... what did you say Earth's 'official' name was again?" asked one of the scientists.
Slowly yet surely, the human's demeanor of shock had evaporated and melted into a different tone. Weary, still yet, a bit more open to the bizarre circumstance.
"(ፚጀᏠᎧᏋᏠᎧᏝᏕᏁᏉᏬᏝ 🐀. You've never heard of it? Oh well duh they call it something way stupider, and this is their first time seeing one of... me in a long time so I guess that's a moot point... Oh yeah you guys can hear my thoughts... but how could you guys still not understand that part?)"
After a few seconds of silence, the Alien pondered up a theory on the spot.
"(Alright so, I think I have a basic understanding of what's happening right now. I know some of you were asking how I could talk to you without using my voice. Well, not sure if you've noticed but I can't use my vocal chords like you can. If I do so-)"
The same ghastly croak that triggered the human's fight or flight instinct was emitted. After a few seconds of eldritch noise, The Alien closed his mouth.
"(Can't really understand me. People from my race and a couple of other races can understand me but, I guess my race is just superior in every way, including language...I guess I must bear the burden of being better than you guys in every conceivable and inconceivable way... Man I'm sorry I'm just... so much better than you guys, like, in most circumstances this would've been a cool experience for the both of us but... this must be disappointing for most of you guys... being so cool you creatures can't properly compute it in you small brains... what a waste...)" sighed The Alien with a pseudo-sad tone.
Most of the humans gave a 😐 expression.
"(Oh yeah speaking of small brains, back to how you guys can understand me. Obviously, I can't really use vocal chords so I have to use PsychoPower. Brain power. Telepathy. Yeah. I'll explain it through an analogy that all of you will understand. I basically tuned my brain to a lower frequency so that I could understand you guys. There's a couple of universal constants and while most aliens have way more complex emotions that you humans can barely fathom, some universal emotions are still present within you guys. Using those as building blocks, I worked my way backwards to a point where most basic words were easily translatable to your guys' language. Meanwhile, more advanced and esoteric concepts and names can't be properly computed since we're just better than you. You guys can compute what Coffee means, but if I mention ASLKMGE;ALKNMSCLJ, it shows up as gibberish in your heads.
...)"
The Alien snickered before continuing.
"(Nah I'm just messing with you, that last one didn't mean anything. It's just gibberish. But back to a serious note, that's why you guys can't process ፚጀᏠᎧᏋᏠᎧᏝᏕᏁᏉᏬᏝ 🐀. Even the symbol is so alien to your minds, that the closest thing you guys can process it is through the shape of a rat)."
The scientists were wonderstruck, as much as they were also disappointed. All this new information graced their minds.
And yet-
the fact that they couldn't understand everything frustrated most of them. In the field of science, it is true that one discovery leads to a plethora of other questions. An endless chase to sate the truths of the universe. But the fact that their prayers to the universe were answered- yet their human comprehension couldn't fully wrap their heads around said answers bothered most of them.
"But... but... how are you invulnerable to damage? I get that it's your basic biology but- BUT HOW? WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND YOU!" shouted one of the scientists in a distressed tone.
"(Woah woah, hey hey, it's not that deep. I'm just simply ya'know, born better)."
Most of the scientists gave a disappointed look.
"THAT'S IT?"
"(I mean... yeah like, what else do you want me to say?
...
Oh wait hang on- I will say, there's a nifty trick that I learned a couple centuries ago. So I was at this spiritual vacation retreat right? Pretty fun all things considered. I'll be honest I was never a magic or spiritual type of guy y'know, science just seemed way more practical than sitting in a room and letting the world pass by you. It's boring! I don't know what else to say! Heheh, anyway, my friends were the ones who wanted to join and since I was off from work I joined them because it was one of those things where it was like 'you know what? I'm on vacation, this seems fun, why not?' I think we could all relate to tha-)"
"GET TO THE POINT!" shouted all of the scientists in unison.
"(Uh
ok
Rude. I could turn all of you into a rolled up toothpaste tube but you know what, fine, I ramble, whatever.
Long story short, in that retreat they taught me a nifty trick called Ki. It's the supreme control over material, and in its most basic application, the body. You see, my body is naturally durable, right. Nothing on your planet can kill me. Harm me, sure. Hurt like a bitch, ooohhh yeah. But you could never outright kill me.
But through the power of Ki, now my physiology is amplified and the weapons you guys would have harmed me with are basically negated. Durability is amplified many times over and hell, one punch from me would probably turn most of you into minced meat. Not that I care to demonstrate but, you get the gist. I'd still feel pain but even then, I have control over my nerves to the point where if I concentrate enough, I can just... choose not to feel pain... Y'know?)"
Many of the human's eyes lit up. Finally- a lead! Scientists wondered how far humans could evolve at that point. Military personnel thought of the indestructible army they could make.
"But can you teach us!? How do you do it?!"
"(WOAH MAN, I can talk about it, I can demonstrate it... but teaching it is entirely on your hands... Hey wait a sec, now that I remember, I'm pretty sure one of my friends visited you guys a while back and said you guys had powers. The hell man? I thought you guys already solved this. Have you people really been one step forward-two step backwards-ing the past 14,000 years? Shit man, that's sad)."
Many of the scientists took note of what the Alien was saying. Spiritual powers. Powers from long ago... somehow there was a correlation and yet, the fact that they had to even fathom the existence of "spirituality" made a few of them gag.
"Do you know where we could start?"
"(Well seeing as how I scanned your brains, I know you guys got the basics down of it. Just work out stronger, increase intensity, drink a lot of water and uh... pay attention to your mental health? That's kinda all I got.)"
Many of the human's eyes twitched.
They all thought the same thing; a resounding "That's it?" in the tone of severe disappointment.
"(Well what do you want me to do???
Whatever man, I just need to-
Oh shit
Holy shit
What time is it?)"
An officer looked at his watch and announced: "23:47 PM"
The alien made a complex equation through his head before he realized:
"(OH MY GOD
I'M LATE
Ok, question times over, I actually have to leave now. Shoo shoo, I forgive you for the dent just- just get out of my way)" he announced telepathically, standing up from the surgery table and making his way towards the ship.
"B-But you can't just leave! We have so many questio-"
"(Don't care)."
The alien used its telekinesis to open an invisible hatch at the bottom of the ship.
"(Piece.
I mean- Peace.)"
A bluish white glow was emitted at the bottom of the ship. A piercing light that blinded those who didn't have eyewear. Those who were wearing sunglasses or similar eyewear of the sort, they could barely comprehend what they saw: the light dematerialized the alien in an upwards motion. Despite scattering its molecules at an uneven rate, it seemed painless, at least from the expression the Alien made.
And there, the humans saw the last of the fabled Extra Terrestrial...
.
.
.
"(oh my god.
OH MY GOD.
OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD)"
The same telepathic voice echoed throughout each human's mind in a higher pitch and a louder volume. The light-phaser re-materialized the Alien in a comically quick fashion. After completing materialization, the Alien stormed out with an upset expression on its face, while holding a brown canister that was leaking liquid.
"(LOOK WHAT YOU DID!)"
The canister had a decently sized hole. It made a trail from the "entrance" of the ship towards where the Alien stood.
"(NOW TELL ME
HOW IS ANYONE GOING TO ENJOY A FINE REFRESHMENT AT THE PARTY- IF THE GUY GETTING THE DRINKS IS ALL OUT)"
A scientist grabbed an eyedropper and made a desperate attempt at collecting a sample from the trail of liquid.
The Alien made a clear reaction.
"It's for the job."
"(Yeah, yeah, I know
Anyway, how are you people going to repay me? Not killing you over something that goes back into shape- fine, I can live with that. But wasting my entire reason for coming near here is just- DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY LIGHTYEARS I TRAVELED JUST TO- wow. WOW. ACTUALLY- WOW. I can't, this is- This is insane!
This is genuinely insane. I'm *chuckles* I'M ACTUALLY THIS MAD I'M SMILING. DO YOU KNOW HOW SCREWED YOU GUYS ARE? I'M THIS 🤏 CLOSE TO FLINGING YOUR PLANET AT THE NEAREST STAR- HONESTLY!)"
The earth around the facility shook.
Most of the scientists were obviously panicking at this point. Most groveled, few cried. One of them took a pistol with them and went straight towards the bathroom by themselves with an expression on their face that screamed "It's over".
One however, quickly thought on his feet. He whipped out a metal object out of his lab pocket and handed it to the Alien. Within 14 seconds he had already gone through the stages of grief and accepted that if this didn't work, then Earth was just doomed. But it still didn't hurt to try regardless.
"Here, try this."
The alien stared back with disgust.
"(The hell is this)"
"Alcohol."
The alien opened the flask. He took a whiff.
"(AUGH- that's not alcohol, that's alcohol. But SOMEONE just HAD to ruin it for everyone.)"
"Just drink a damn sip. Jesus..."
"(You're playing with fire here...)" judged the Alien with a mean demeanor.
The Alien took a giant swig, chugging it down as if it were water.
Its eyes instantly lit up
"(WHA-
OUGHHHHHH
*cough cough*
WHAT IS THAT?!?!?)"
"Vodka."
"(YOU TRIED TO POISON ME?)"
"No you dumbass, it's a drink."
The Alien smacked its lips.
"(Hang on let me try that again)."
It took a swig.
"(UUUHHHGGGGGG)"
It felt a harsh liquid swim down its throat. An internal punch to the stomach. But damn-
The burn of the throat was painful, but the bold aftertaste freshens up the insides with a smooth sentiment. Likewise, the flavor was harsh- pungent... but immediately after the stabbing sensation of the tongue, the minty aftertaste makes it all worth it. The aroma was strong yes, but its bold flavored musk was intoxicating.
It took another swig.
It smacked its lips in enjoyment.
"(Wow this is... this is... this isn't bad. Honestly it's a little better than what we had... Holy crap, I can't believe I'm admitting this but, this tastes kinda good! And I don't know what this feeling is but, drinking this is fun!)" it giggled.
"(You know what human, this wasn't bad. As a means of apology, you humans just need to get me a large load of this... 'alcohol' and then we'll be square. Now, just tell me where you guys can pick this up and i'll-)"
"ALL NEARBY TROOPS, ALERT THE STATIONS IN THE NEAREST TOWNS TO BUY AS MUCH ALCOHOL AS POSSIBLE. ALERT EVERY LIQUOR STORE TO OPEN UP, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! GO GO GO!" shouted one of the higher officers.
"(You don't need to do that I just hick oh shit, you just need to tell me where... where the specific shops are and I can just-)"
"Negative. The world isn't ready to see your existence. It would be chaos."
"(I can- I can understand that... yeah...I guess... but I can teleport and just in-and-out zoom, grab a lot of bottles and-)"
"It's still too risky," argued the officer.
"Just wait 20- no- 10 minutes and we'll get you crates worth of different types of alcohol."
"(THERE'S DIFFERENT TYPES? I was going to argue that I could still like.... hang on, need to stand...straight... ok- I can like... delete people's memories so that they forget me but I uh
...
Nahhhh screw it. I'll be king of your species for 10 minutes I don't mind)."
After 24 minutes, Jeeps and trucks full of crates were transported to the base. Soldiers tirelessly ran and carried the crates near the ship.
Some of the scientists and soldiers tried to teach the Alien how to play poker.
"(Is this... this alcohol does it... hahahha, does it regularly make you stupid???)"
A unanimous "Yes" came from the nearby human's mouths.
"(Pftttthahhahahahha, man, no WONDER you guys are so far behind! If you guys didn't have this poison that made you dumber, then you guys would've been in the stars a looooooooooong time ago hehehehehhhhhh)."
After the soldiers set the crates underneath the ship, the Alien stood up and sauntered to its ship's entrance.
"(You said they'd be here in... 10 minutes)" said the Alien directly towards the Officer.
"You have to understand, there were some technical difficulties- a spur of the moment type of-"
"(Yeah, yeah, I got what I wanted, whatever.)"
The materializer beam was turned on, and the Alien telekinetically hovered each crate into the beam. Despite seeming like it didn't have the capacity, the ship comfortably fit all 32 crates of alcohol inside the confusing layout.
The alien turned around and faced its audience.
"(I would typically say it's been *hic* a pleasure.
But it wasn't.
Bye)."
He materialized himself inside the ship.
Only to reappear a minute later.
He snickered to himself with a goofy smile plastered on his face.
"(Yeah uh that was snicker REALLY rude of me so snicker as a trade for such a good discovery, here's this pamphlet they gave to me when I was at the resort that might help you guys out snicker, and here's something my friend got from your planet a looooong time ago. You might recognize it... or not...
You know I *hic* I really don't think I should be messing with natives without a proper warrant but... nahhhh what's the worst that could happen?)"
The Alien tossed a worn, pocket-sized pamphlet with an alien (haha) language and various foreign runes. And much like typical tourist type texts, several other foreign... foreign languages were seen in smaller font, underneath the "normal" alien language.
Though the pamphlet wasn't the only thing that the alien tossed towards the humans, for its second and last gift was an odd, plastic-y futuristic device.
The alien snickered away
"(Have fun!)"
He dematerialized himself back into the ship and made a giant hole through the ceiling. The wreckage luckily didn't hit anyone but-
"God damn it" cursed one of the architects.
"Sir, er- fellas, come look! I've been studying the liquid and the container that he said was their type of alcohol"
"What did you see, Dick?"
(Dick is a name, come on now).
"From the cells that I was able to see, on top of the debris I had to 'wash off' from the floor itself, judging from the plethora of the crystals I gathered that what his kind were drinking holds a close resemblance to saturated hydrocarbons. I need more time to understand it but from the smell and massive amounts of ethanol that I've seen-
These aliens were drinking something that was similar to Gasoline."
Everyone gave a weirded out look.
"The hell?" Responded the Officer.
"Well, at least we got a good look at life out there. Sure it wasn't what we expected, but we got a lot... we got what we needed-
....
Look we got something out of it, and I think that's a lot more than we were hoping initially. Right guys?"
Murmurs here and there.
"Say, the universe works in mysterious ways, doesn't it? Like we told Robert to stop drinking on the job, but look what would've happened if he didn't bring his flask! We would've all died! Say, why do you bring your flask to work?"
"It mutes the suffering."
"That's dark.
Oh yeah, whatever happened to Jeff?"
"I saw him go towards the bathroom with a gun, but now that we're all fine, we can tell him that it's all oka-"
BANG
"..."
.
.
.
.
.
From there on, the CIA studied the two gifts from the Alien, and made proper use of it.
Though the researchers were enamored by the pamphlet, there was a small issue that arose 3 minutes after the Alien left.
After flipping through the entire pamphlet as well as images that couldn't be comprehended by the human minds, the researchers came up with a crucial discovery:
"...we can't read this"
Though, the only thing that could be comprehensible were various runes and letterings that were "simple" enough to understand. Instead of reading the ones that read Ꮇጀ Ꮗጀፈ ᎴᏰᏁ ᏂጀᎴᏗ ፈᏁᏬᏁᏰᏝጀᎩᏁᏰ🐀 ጀᏇ ᏁᏒፈᎤᏁᏗ ጀᎧ ፈᎤᏁ ᏰᎴᏇᏰ ᏠᏗጀᎴᏇᎷ ᎴᏰ🐀 , they instead insisted upon reading the ones that were similar to Sumerian or Celtic lettering. Didn't help that most of these were written similarly by sheer coincidence; which is a given, since these types of things happen all the time. To English speaking people, an h looks like this, but when they see an ん in a different country, they'd assume OH HEY, A LETTER I RECOGNIZE when in reality, it's a completely separate symbol. The researchers knew, and still decided to hire several historical linguistics professors from around the globe. Despite many decades passing by with hundreds of theories thrown around, there were barely any advancements. Several researchers either passed away, grew tired and disinterested, or were simply replaced by younger researchers. No breakthrough was made... until November 25th, 1970.
That day, they believed they translated their first word:
"TONGUE"
Slowly yet surely, the inevitable snail traveled at a quicker pace.
As for the holy machine, the humans saw the ports of the electrical device, and managed to work their way backwards to make a charger for the handheld computer. Eventually, with some tinkering of the code and ways to plug in the screen to a giant monitor, it served as the best computer in the world for generations to come. Seeing as how this thing was far more advanced than anything that would come for the next fifty years at least, it served as the technological "heart" of the CIA. What took several countries hours and possibly days to compute, took the United States a mere moment.
And on the rare occasion that the computer wasn't needed, it was used for the sole purpose of making some of the most elite operators even smarter. For it held an application that tested the speed and quick thinking of the highest elite.
"And that's the story of how we were technologically better than everyone from the 40's to at least the 90s... and how we eventually learned to understand spiritual languages...which paved the way to using magic." said Vincent, sitting down in the booth.
Jules stared at him.
An expression of disbelief, shock, confusion, and frustration swelled Jules' face. The color of his face turned from red, to purple, to a color Vince had never seen before.
"Dude are you ok?" asked Vincent.
"Do you think I'm that stupid?" snarled Jules.
"What? I'm serious, that's what happened."
"Why would you-
That doesn't make-
You're dumb. You're so dumb 💀."
"Hey man, believe it if you want, that's just what they taught me in the history elective."
"This story doesn't make any sense. I'm leaving."
"WHAT? I just got my Burger! At least wait for your chicken alfredo pasta! Come on man! I know it's silly but it's the truth!"
"I'll pay for the pasta another day, I just...
Do you really think I'd fall for that?"
"Fall for what *munch munch munch*."
"OH MY GOD
AM I THAT STUPID TO YOU?"
"Not *munch* really?"
"Does our friendship mean so little to you that you'd insult me with something so fucking childish."
"Woah- WOAH- WHAT?
Look man it's not that deep. Hell, that last part was more of a legend than an actual truth, but everything else is true! Dude, we could go back to base after this and look at the tapes, I promise you, none...
...
Okay, 98% of what I just said isn't bullshit. Now come on now, the pasta should come by any minute. Let's just enjoy our dinner and we'll see how it goes."
"Ggghhhhheeeehhhh"
Jules grumpily ate his dinner. The taste of ridiculousness had soured his meal.
Vince enjoyed his burger. No particular reason, it was just that good.
They eventually went back to base and asked for the tapes.
"Ok if I'm correct, you have to pay for my meal next time."
"Shut up."
They watched the tapes
"Oh my god.
Oh my god"
Jules was on his knees, on the verge of tears.
"But that's..." he said, with a wavering voice
"That's... DUMB.
THAT'S SO DUMB..."
He pounded the floor with a clenched fist.
Vince stood idly by...
"Well that just goes to show that reality is sometimes a bit sillier than we’d like to think.
…
Man, I wonder what overpriced succulent meal I'll get for free this time..."
"I...
I....
I think I got STUPIDER just by learning it's real..." grunted Jules on his sleeve.
"Oh come on now-" commented Vince as he squatted nearby his friend
"Look at it from the bright side:
It's only going to get worse 😃 "
Jules looked up with a surprised, exasperated demeanor.
"DUDE?"