Glitch Slapped

Sam stared at the NPC, Loop, whose dead-eyed stare drilled into his soul for what felt like the hundredth time in the last two minutes. The guy was still stuck in the same repetitive motion, his mouth half-open, like he was about to deliver the Gettysburg Address but had been rebooted halfway through.

“Do… you… quest?” Loop asked again, his voice a slow, robotic drone.

Sam clenched his fists. "Buddy, if you ask me that one more time, I’m gonna..."

Before Sam could finish his threat, his body jerked forward involuntarily, and out came the words, “I like licking hairy taints!”

Sam froze. His eyes widened in horror. That definitely wasn’t what he meant to say. In fact, it was the last thing he ever intended to say in his entire life. He slapped a hand over his mouth, staring at Loop, who looked as bewildered as an NPC could look.

Glitch, the sentient bag hanging off Sam's hip, burst into a fit of laughter so intense his zipper flapped open and closed like a dying fish. “Oh, this is rich! Didn’t know we were learning new hobbies today, Sam.”

“I...what the...” Sam sputtered, completely dumbfounded. “I didn’t say that!”

“No, you didn’t mean to say that,” Glitch corrected, still wheezing with laughter. “But boy, did it come out perfectly clear. A+ delivery.”

Sam growled. “I think the game’s glitching. There’s no way that just happened.”

Loop, still standing there like a confused child who’d just discovered fire for the first time, blinked slowly. “Can we… quest for a hairy taint?”

Glitch lost it again, practically rolling with laughter at Loop’s innocent question.

Sam’s face twisted in a mix of disgust and confusion. “No, Loop! No one is questing for hairy taints! Jesus, what is wrong with this world?”

Loop’s robotic head tilted to the side, his programming clearly struggling to process Sam’s outburst. “Do… you… quest?”

Sam groaned, running his hands through his hair. “I can’t believe this is happening. I’m trapped in a game with a glitchy bag, a broken NPC, and...wait, did I just say I’m trapped?”

That’s when the realization hit him like a ton of bricks. He wasn’t just stuck in the game. This wasn’t some simple bug where a quick restart would fix everything. The smells, the sounds, the tangible feel of dirt under his boots...it was all too real. He was too real. This wasn’t just a game; it was some twisted version of reality where nothing made sense, and everything was falling apart.

“Shit,” Sam whispered. His hands shook slightly as he tried to make sense of it all. “This isn’t just a glitch, is it?”

“Congrats, Sherlock,” Glitch drawled. “Took you long enough. You’re in a real-world version of the game. Fun, right?”

Sam’s heart pounded in his chest. “Real world? That can’t be possible. This is a fucking game! There’s gotta be a way out!”

“Well, if there is, it’s not going to be found by standing here chatting with Captain Loop-the-Same-Line-of-Dialogue,” Glitch said, his voice still tinged with amusement. “Might want to move before you start spouting more gems about your... unique preferences.”

Sam took a deep breath and glared at Loop, who had resumed his usual stance of awkward NPC helplessness.

“Do... you... quest?”

Sam’s eye twitched. “Yes, fine. I accept your fucking quest, Loop. Just stop asking me.”

The words left his mouth, and Loop handed over the same scroll he’d been offering for what felt like an eternity. As soon as Sam grabbed it, the NPC froze again, locked in his default stance with that vacant stare. For a moment, Sam thought Loop might’ve glitched himself into oblivion, but then...just when Sam thought he was free of the endlessly looping question...Loop spoke again, his voice a strange mix of monotony and existential dread.

“I am… broken.”

Sam paused, staring at Loop. “Wait. Did you just... did you just say something that wasn’t ‘Do you quest?’”

Loop nodded, albeit awkwardly, his movements stilted and forced. “I… repeat… because I am… programmed… to.”

Sam blinked, unsure if he was hallucinating. “Holy shit, he’s becoming self-aware.”

Glitch chimed in, his voice laced with snark. “Looks like someone’s having an existential crisis.”

Loop twitched again, his eyes flickering like the lights of a faulty neon sign. “I… question… my existence. Why… do I only… ask… about quests? Why do I… repeat?”

Sam didn’t know what to say. It was like watching a robot slowly gain consciousness and then immediately question why it existed. He could almost feel sorry for the guy...almost. But before he could say anything comforting or insightful, Sam's mouth betrayed him once again.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Sam shouted involuntarily, his body jerking in random directions.

Loop stared blankly. “You… have a way with words.”

Sam clamped his hands over his mouth, eyes wide in horror.

Glitch was positively cackling at this point, his zipper opening and closing in exaggerated mockery. “Oh, this is good. You’ve got the mouth of a sailor and the grace of a broken modem. What’s next, ‘I love feet pics’?”

Sam growled through gritted teeth. “It’s the glitches! I can’t control it!”

“Yeah, well, it’s funnier for me, so keep at it,” Glitch replied with a smirk. “Honestly, I’m starting to think this place is designed to mess with you.”

Sam threw his hands up. “It’s not enough that I’m trapped in this glitchy nightmare. Now I’m turning into some sort of foul-mouthed marionette with no control over what I say!”

Loop tilted his head again, confusion flickering in his pixelated eyes. “Do you… want to quest for… feet pics?”

“Absolutely not!” Sam barked. “Why would you even...never mind. Forget it.”

“Too late,” Glitch said, unable to hide his amusement. “The quest for feet pics has already been filed. You just have to bring it to the right place.”

Sam glared at the sentient bag. “You’re not helping.”

“I disagree,” Glitch replied smugly. “I think I’m helping a lot. Look, if you can’t laugh at this situation, you’re going to lose your mind, and then where will we be? I don’t want to carry around a babbling lunatic.”

“Too late,” Sam muttered, swiping the air out of frustration as if a menu would magically appear. “Alright, I need to get it together. Let’s figure out what this quest is actually about.”

He unrolled the scroll Loop had given him. It was exactly as generic and unhelpful as he’d expected.

Find the thing. Bring it to the place. Get the reward.

“That’s it?” Sam asked, staring at the scroll in disbelief. “That’s the entire quest?”

“Yep. Real groundbreaking stuff,” Glitch said. “They really pulled out all the stops on this one.”

Sam groaned, his head falling back in exasperation. “Okay, fine. We’ll find the thing. Whatever it is.”

“Any guesses as to what the ‘thing’ might be?” Glitch asked sarcastically.

“Probably some random glitchy object that’ll disappear before I can even grab it,” Sam said dryly. “Seems to be the theme around here.”

Sam took a deep breath and trudged forward, Loop trailing behind him like a lost puppy. The air was thick with that weird, too-real atmosphere, and Sam’s mind kept racing. This wasn’t just some game. It was real. And somehow, he was trapped inside it. Every time he took a step, he could feel the ground beneath his boots, hear the crunch of leaves underfoot, and even smell the earthy scent of the forest.

“This is seriously messed up,” Sam muttered.

“Welcome to the club,” Glitch said. “Population: you, me, and existential-NPC over here.”

Loop, now seemingly aware of his existence but still stuck in his programming, kept trying to contribute to the conversation. “Do… you… like leaves?”

Sam turned to glare at Loop. “No, Loop. I don’t like leaves. I’m just trying to figure out how to get out of this messed-up world without turning into some sort of profanity-spewing glitch puppet, alright?”

Loop nodded solemnly. “Do… you… quest?”

Sam groaned again. “We’re really not getting anywhere, are we?”

“Nope,” Glitch said cheerfully. “But at least we’re doing it together.”

As Sam walked, the world around him continued to glitch. Trees flickered in and out of existence, gravity occasionally decided to take a break, and random objects appeared in his inventory without warning. At one point, he checked his bag to find a rubber chicken, a pair of socks, and what appeared to be a jar of pickles.

“What the hell am I supposed to do with all this?” Sam asked, holding up the jar of pickles.

“You could offer it as tribute to the gods of this shitty game,” Glitch suggested. “Or just eat the pickles. You’ve probably got time.”

Sam shook his head, his frustration growing. He needed answers. He needed a way out. But all he had was a broken NPC, a snarky bag, and a quest that made no sense. For the first time in his life, Sam was at a loss.

He clenched his fists. “Alright, fine. We’ll find this fucking ‘thing,’ bring it to the ‘place,’ and get whatever useless reward this game wants to throw at us. But I swear to god, if I glitch out and start talking about hairy taints again, I’m going to lose it.”

Glitch’s bag zipper was flapping with raucous laughter,. “Don’t worry, Sam. I’m sure the glitches have nothing to do with your inner desires, you disgusting fuck!” he yelled howling in laughter.