Gacha Gacha Hero

Ave cleaned the dishes off of the table from breakfast. She hobbled into the kitchen.

Ash stood next to the window of the Cabin’s living room. Belbuk and Luke sat on a bench in front of Ash.

“Do I need to have my shirt off for this?” Ash asked. He put his hands on his hips.

“Only for a little bit. Your skin is so thin we can see all of your bones in perfect detail. You make a great anatomy example.” Belbuk replied.

“I’m supposed to help Ave with the dishes. Then I have to feed the chickens. Take care of some stuff in the forest…” Ash trailed off.

Belbuk ignored him. “You see the lymph nodes here?” she pointed to Ash’s neck.

“I think so.” Luke nodded.

“Swollen nodes can be an early indicator of a number of ear, nose, and throat diseases. Make sure to check behind the ears but also along the neck and under the chin.” Belbuk demonstrated.

“Hehe.” Ash laughed as Belbuk’s hand moved under his throat.

Belbuk slapped his hand. “Stop that. Classroom aids don’t giggle.” She moved her hands. “You can also find nodes under the arms.”

“Hehe.”

“And down by the groin in the meaty part of the thigh.”

“Hey! Not so close to my area.” Ash complained.

“Half the population has a penis. Get over yourself.” Belbuk groaned. “Now open up.”

“Ahhh.” Ash opened his mouth.

Belbuk continued her lesson. “Examination of the gums is also very important.” She poked Ash’s togue. “Discoloration, swelling, or bleeding can all be a sign of disease. Remember what I told you?” she asked Luke.

Luke rolled his eyes. “Yes. You’ve made me repeat it every day for the last three days.”

Luke started reciting Belbuk’s teaching in a flat tone. “Alchemy begins with the mouth and ends with the anus.”

As Luke spoke Ash and Ave mimicked his repetition of the lesson. “... ends with the anus.”

Belbuk nodded. “That’s right. The human body is a giant tube. It’s the Alchemist's job to care for the internal workings of that tube. If you can’t get a patient to take care of their mouth then all of the elixirs in the world aren’t going to help them.”

She turned her attention back to Ash “Now then, have you been brushing your teeth?”

“Yes.” Ash droned.

“Every night?”

“Yes.”

“With baking soda?”

“Yes.”

“And you’ve been using flatline to get between the teeth also?”

“Yeah…” Ash trailed off.

Belbuk squirted at him. “Hmmm.” She held up a small metal hook. “So if I was to poke your gums with this examining tool, you would be fine with that?”

Ash’s eyes went wide. “Please don’t.”

“Yes. Please don’t.” Luke repeated. Luke’s face was pale.

“What’s wrong with you?” Belbuk asked.

“Luke doesn’t like blood.” Ash interjected.

“Even the thought of it makes me uncomfortable.” Luke wiped his forehead.

“Boy, you do know that your body is full of blood right?” Belbuk chastised him.

Luke rubbed his torso. “Right. But as long as it stays inside then I’m fine. That’s why I could never be a Barber.”

“Or a butcher.” Ash added.

“Or a tanner.” Luke followed up.

“Fisherman.”

“Hunter.”

“Cleric.”

Luke rubbed his chin. “Now that I think about it, there weren’t a lot of potential jobs for me in Star Town were there.”

“This does not make me feel better about taking you on as a student.” Belbuk massaged her temples.

“You meant apprentice right?” Luke asked hopefully.

“Student.” was Belbuk’s reply.

“Luke has always been afraid of blood. Once when we got into a fight in school he hit me in the face and gave me a bloody nose. When he saw the blood he immediately started crying. I wanted to cry too but I was so shocked by his behavior I forgot about the pain. The teacher had to send both of us home.” Ash rambled.

Belbuk’s eyes widened. “You’re telling me that this boy.” She grabbed Luke’s cheeks between her hands and shook his face. “This sunflower right here gave you a bloody nose?”

“We’re brothers.” Luke mumbled.

“Okay. It makes a little more sense now.” Belbuk admitted. She turned to Ash. “Now put on your shirt and help Ave with the dishes.”

#

Ave stretched out on the upstairs cot. Belbuk removed the cloth bandage around her ankle.

“How’s does it feel?” Belbuk asked.

“Better. Not perfect. But better.” Ave replied.

“That’s good. Keep off it for a few more days and you can finally put your boots back on.” Belbuk wiped her hands.

Ave leaned back on the cot. She looked out the window.

Belbuk clicked her tongue. “Anything else?”

*Sigh* “No. Well, not really. Only…” Ave rolled over. She pulled her breastplate out from under a pile of blankets. “Do you perhaps have any polish?” she asked.

“I think I’ve got some in my lab.” Belbuk got up. She went into her room.

Cupboard doors *Clunked* as Belbuk searched.

“So are you a real soldier?” Belbuk shouted from inside the room.

Ave sat up. “What? Yes!”

“You didn’t steal that? Or buy it from a pawnshop?”

“No! I’m really a soldier.”

“Kinda young…” Belbuk mumbled.

“I enlisted right after I turned sixteen. I’ve served the Capital Guard for four years.” Ave huffed.

Belbuk walked back out. She held a ceramic jar in her hands. “Fine. It’s only, you don’t behave like a soldier.” She handed the jar to Ave.

“And how does a soldier behave?” Ave asked.

Belbuk slouched against the wall. “You know. Walking around with an undeserved arrogance, like someone put a clothespin on their taint. Never explaining themselves. Daring people to make eye contact so that they have an excuse to shove their crested armor in their face.”

“Well I don’t do that.” There was no emotion on Ave’s face. “But I know the type.”

Belbuk nodded. “They also don’t hide their armor. They want people to know.”

Ave looked down at her breastplate. “A guard’s armor is a symbol of their authority.”

“Is that what you think?” Belbuk idly played with her braid.

Ave pulled out a rag. She applied some of the polish to the rag. With patient, even strokes she applied the polish to the breastplate.

“I think a good soldier should take care of the tools they’ve been given.”

#

*Grind*Grind*

Luke was using a pestle to grind up some sage.

Belbuk sat across from him at her study desk. She read through a huge tome. Every now and then she stopped to make a note on one of the pages with a pencil.

Luke spoke up. “So Mast… *Cough* So Belbuk, why did you decide to move out here?”

Belbuk didn’t look up. “Why not?”

“You’re a master Alchemist. You trained in the Capital. I would have thought that there would be more opportunities for you in a big city.”

Belbuk glanced up. “Do you know what an alchemist does?”

Luke nodded. “Sure. You-”

“Wrong!”

“But I was going to say that-”

“Nope!”

“But don’t you-”

Belbuk shook her head slowly. “I’ll tell you what an Alchemist does. We fix other people’s problems.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.” Luke continued to grind.

“Everyone wants an alchemist’s help but no one actually wants to do the work. So they all come to you with their problems.” She began to perform a series of elaborate caricatures. “I need a love potion. I need a cure for baldness. I need a wart remover. Day after day after day. Do you know what happens when you solve people’s problems for them?” She said rhetorically. “They stop trying to solve them on their own.”

*Grind*Grind*

“Isn’t that just helping people?” Luke offered.

“I hate helping people.” Belbuk refused. She leaned back in her chair. “Do you know why I became an Alchemist?”

Luke shook his head.

“I became an Alchemist to study mysteries. To find the truth of the natural world. I wanted to solve problems, er, you know, big problems. To make the world a better place. Not to mix laxatives and erection pills.”

*Grind*Grind*

Luke kept his eyes down. “If you hate helping people so much, why did you agree to help us?”

Belbuk looked down at her notebook. “Because you weren’t asking for yourself. You were asking for them.”

“Is that why you decided to make me your apprentice?” Luke asked.

“You’re not my apprentice. You’re an interloper and I am only providing corrective action to prevent you from forming bad alchemy habits. Understand?” Belbuk raised an eyebrow.

“Sure, sure.” Luke said. he added under his breath.

#

“Deus! Deus take it easy! You’re getting mud everywhere.” Ash shouted.

“Huuurrrhg!” Deus grunted.

Deus’s circular torso was wedged into the door frame of the entrance to Belbuk’s Cabin. The goose’s wings were pinned against its sides. The giant bird thrashed its head and tail from side to side to try and free itself.

“Hold on! Let me push!” Ash shouted from outside as he stood behind the goose on the porch.

Ash put his shoulder against Deus’s backside. “Heave! Come one! Argh! How can your feathers be both sticky and chalky at the same time.” Ash exerted.

“I am, as good as, honk, there, honk!” Deus exclaimed.

Finally Deus wiggled through the door. Feathers and dirt scattered across the room.

“Good work minion.” Deus slapped Ash on the back with a wing.

“I’m not your minion.” Ash tried to catch his breath.

“That is not important. Now then, I can hear Whuke in the kitchen. I shouhd check on the midday meal.” Deus waddled off.

Ash groaned. He turned to follow the goose into the kitchen.

“Ahem!” Belbuk coughed. She was leaning casually on the bottom of the stairs.

Ash looked at her and shrugged.

Belbuk pointed to the floor. Wet muddy paw prints were tracked across the living room. She pointed at a broom in the corner.

Ash slumped his shoulders. He picked up the broom. Ash began sweeping clumps of dirt and feathers back out of the front door.

“What mess did Deus make this time?” Belbuk asked placidly.

“We were down by the creek for one of the mana points. All of a sudden a badger jumped out of the bushes and ran at us.” Ash explained.

“Are you alright?” Belbuk asked without concern.

“I’m fine. Deus ran right up to it.”

“Did Deus scare it off?”

“No. He kicked it. He kicked it so hard it flew into the sky. I think he launched it over the horizon.” Ash had a look of shock on his face. He paused and looked out over the edge of the tree line.

Ash finished sweeping the living room. “You know, I don’t think you hate Deus as much as you say you do.” he said.

“Are you an expert on goose relations now?” Belbuk snorted.

“No but I’m pretty good at picking up when people don’t like each other. You tried to blow him up but you were never actually concerned for his safety. Like you knew Deus would be fine.” Ash put up the broom.

“And?”

“Nothing. I just like to point out when people are being insincere.” Ash hummed.

“That must make you very popular.” Belbuk played with her braid.

“Like I said, I’m good at picking up when people don’t like each other.”