Gacha Gacha Hero

The Gloved Guard rubbed his wrists. The Pauldron Wearing Guard stretched his shoulders.

“Are you sure that someone is in there?” The Gloved Guard asked.

“I heard someone whispering.” The Pauldron Wearing Guard responded. “Also look at the lights. There has to be someone home.”

“This cottage is fairly isolated. Do you really think our suspect came all the way out here?”

“The isolation is a good thing. It makes it the perfect hideout.”

“You really think this tiny house is a hideout?”

“My gut tells me it’s suspicious.”

“My gut is telling me we should go back to town and find some food.”

“Did you forget about the trail of dead moths?”

“Yes, yes, the moths. I hate to have to tell you this but moths are not known for their vitality. Anything in the world could have killed them. Birds… other insects… maybe even a strong breeze.”

“My gut says this is the place and we’re not leaving until we conduct a ‘thorough’ investigation.” The Pauldron Wearing Guard turned back to the door.

*Bang*Bang*Bang*

“Open up! This is your final warning.” he shouted.

The door creaked open. The light from inside the house was obscured by the silhouette of a large man standing in the doorway. The Guards' hands reflexively moved to the swords on their belts.

The fading light from outside poured past the door revealing a stocky, barrel chested man with powerful arms who was stripped to the waist. His dark face was hidden by a thick beard. After sizing up the two men outside he stretched a wide smile across his face.

“Good evening gentlemen.” Mr Smithe said. “Er, yes, is there anything that I can do for you?”

“Good evening.” The Pauldron Wearing Guard returned. “We are Royal Guards…”

“I can see that.” Mr Smithe said.

“... We are Royal guards investigating this area and searching for a criminal.”

“Is that right?”

“It is. We need to come inside to look around.”

“For what?”

“For… For the criminal!”

“No thank you.”

*Slam* Mr Smithe shut the door with unexpected force.

“Did he just close the door on us?” The Pauldron Wearing Guard asked.

“Looks like it.” The Gloved Guard observed.

“No one obstructs the Royal Guards.”

“He just did.”

“We’ll see about that!” *Bang*Bang*Bang* “You in there! Open up! We are the Royal Guards! Do you hear me!?”

*Bang*Bang*Ban…

The door opened suddenly. The Pauldron Wearing Guard’s fist sailed through the air and bounced off of the shirtless man’s pectoral muscle.

*Ahem* “As I was saying we need to investigate this location in order to determine if…”

“Sorry. No thanks.” Said Smithe.

*Slam #2*

The Pauldron Wearing Guard turned around. Then he turned red. “Did he…?”

The Gloved Guard nodded. “Mmhmm.”

“Again…?”

“Mmhmm.”

“By the dark eye he did!”

*Bang*Bang*Bang*

“Open this door! This is your final warning!”

There was the sound of muffled conversation on the other side of the door. A second later the door opened again. A short, plump woman in a simple blouse with her hair pulled back in a braid appeared this time.

“Oh my.” She said through a polite smile. “Forgive us. We’re not used to having guests all the way out here.” She took a step back and opened the door wider. She gestured with her hand. “Please won’t you come inside?”

“That’s more like it.” The Pauldron Wearing Guard said. He moved to the door and turned slightly sideways so that he could fit his mighty pauldrons through the frame of the entrance. The Gloved Guard followed behind him.

They paced into the living room of the house and took a look around. Plain wooden furniture decorated the room. An iron stove and copper washbasin were set up in kitchen. There was a table with four chairs and cups. A pair of wooden cupboards and beds were set against the wall. Short candles illuminated the interior.

The short woman and the large man stepped to the side over by the kitchen area.

“So how can we help you? You said that you were looking for someone.” Ms Sifter said.

“That’s right. A dangerous fugitive. They’re on the run all the way from the Capital.” The Pauldron Wearing Guard let his eyes wander around the room.

“That certainly sounds dangerous. What did this criminal do?” she asked.

“I’m… not allowed to discuss that with civilians.” The Pauldron Wearing Guard adjusted his belt.

“Of course. It’s not like you would have come all the way out here for no reason.”

The Pauldron Wearing Guard sniffed. The woman’s cheerful smile never faltered.

“Have you seen anyone suspicious around here?” he asked.

“Suspicious… you mean like maybe someone that looks like they don’t belong?”

“That’s right.”

“Maybe someone that comes banging on the door demanding to be let in and then doesn’t tell us anything about what they’re looking for? Someone like that?”

The fortified guard narrowed his eyes. The woman’s smile was made out of plaster. He looked at the broad shouldered man standing next to her. The man was trying his hardest to stand perfectly still, too still. There were beads of sweat collecting on his forehead.

The Pauldron Wearing Guard circled the table like a vulture. “The two of you live here?”

“That’s right.”

“And what is your relationship if you don’t mind my asking?”

“We’re…”

“Married!” The larger man burst out.

“What?” The woman turned.

The blacksmith turned the woman. “Marry me. To me. Married to me. Is what I want to say… to you.”

“Are you sure?” She asked.

The taller man nodded. Sweat cascaded down his neck like a miniature river. The woman’s smile faded and she looked lost in concentration for a moment. All three men in the room waited in confused silence. Finally she looked back up at the heavy man and nodded as well.

“Alright.” She turned back to the guards. “Yes. This is my husband.”

The Pauldron Wearing Guard raised an eyebrow. “And have the two of you been married for long?”

“We knew each other for many years but our actual marriage was… sudden.” Ms Sifter said.

“And the two of you live here? Outside the city?”

“It’s the family home.”

“You live here by yourselves? No one else?”

“We like the quiet. Fewer people asking too many questions.” The woman’s placid smile had returned.

The Pauldron Wearing Guard eyed the shirtless man across the table from him. “I see that your husband doesn’t feel the need to dress up at home.”

The large man mumbled. “I was work… working out.”

The shoulder pad security guard scanned the room again. “Without any weights?”

“You’ll have to forgive him.” The woman interrupted. “He was just being polite. The truth is we were working out together.”

“And how do you do that?” The Guard asked.

“Why, the same way that men and women have exercised together since the beginning of time. And as a matter of fact you have interrupted our nightly routine.” She tugged open the top string on her blouse and then placed her palms on the table. “Now if you don’t mind we would like to get back to our evening plans. In private if you don’t mind.”

The Pauldron Wearing Guard frowned.

The Gloved Guard leaned in towards his comrade. “This is a dead end. There’s nobody here. Let’s just go.”

“Hmmph.” The Pauldron Wearing Guard angled his shoulders back towards the door. The Gloved Guard followed him. As he crossed the threshold with one magnificent pauldron still inside, he stopped, then turned ever so slightly.

“Before we go you said that the two of you live alone out here. Is that correct?”

The woman straightened her shoulders. “That’s right.”

“Were you expecting anyone this evening?”

“No.” She frowned.

The Guard smiled. “Then why are there two pairs of cups on the table?”

The woman looked at the table then back to the guard. There was a moment of panic in her eyes.

“That is…” She trailed off.

*Thump*Thump*

Suddenly there was a noise from across the room.

“What was that?” The metal capped guard tried to turn quickly. His splendid pauldrons clattered into the door frame lodging him in place.

“Damnit!” He shouted to the Gloved Guard. “Go check that out!”

The white gloved guard crossed the room to the door of the pantry.

“That is… that’s just the pantry.” The woman started after him.

“Don’t!” The shirtless blacksmith raised a hand.

The Gloved Guard braced his feet and squared his shoulders in front of the pantry. He threw open the door.

Nobody moved.

“Well?” The Pauldron Wearing Guard dislodged himself from the door. “What is it? Who’s in there?”

“No one.” Came the reply.

“What?”

“It’s only a goat.” said the Guard.

Everyone standing in the room craned their necks to peek into the pantry. In addition to some glass jars and wicker baskets the small side room was filled on three sides with piles of turnips. Most of them were pale with wilted leaves. Atop this pile of moldy produce was a tubby goat with shaggy hair. The goat was staring directly at the Gloved Guard as it crunched a particularly wet turnip between its flat teeth.

*Crunch*Chew*Crunch*

The Gloved Guard tried not to look directly into the goat’s beady eyes. “There’s nothing here. Only piles of moldy turnips. And a goat.”

“Close the door!” The woman yelled.

“What?” The Gloved Guard looked back in confusion.

“Don’t let him out. He’ll eat everything in the house.”

“The goat?” asked the Guard.

“Yes the goat. Haven’t you ever seen a goat before?”

“Well maybe I can…” The Gloved Guard tepidly raised a gloved hand towards the goat.

“Maaahhh!” The goat hopped off of the turnip pile. Seven turnips tumbled down the pile after him. The goat menacingly hoofed his way over to the pantry entrance.

“Ahhh! Alright fine. Fine.” The guard hustled back and shut the pantry door. “There’s nothing here. Let’s go.”

The two guards grumbled their way out of the door.

#

Meanwhile inside the pantry Goateus Maximus clip-clopped his way back to the top of the turnip pile and resumed eating. A dozen turnips rolled off of the vegetable heap. Ash’s head poked through the top of the pile. He quickly checked to see if anyone else was in the room.

“Is everyone else alright?” He called.

Two more bunches of turnips tumbled away. Luke and Ave poked their heads out as well.

“We’re fine.” Ave responded. She sniffed her hair. “These turnips really stink.”

“Goateus doesn’t mind.” said Ash.

“Maaah.” *Crunch*Chew* Came the billie’s response.

“I wish I shared his enthusiasm.” Ave remarked.

“Good job summoning so many turnips Ash.” Luke spoke from the other side of the room. “By the way I think I found Mr Smithe’s shirt.” Luke held up a soggy garment. He shuffled in the pile and pulled out another piece of clothing. “And his belt.”