First Song

We had to swear to Sarah that we wouldn’t do anything violent. She had already had to face so much hatred from Ryan that she didn’t want it spiralling out of control. I reassured her that we’d be careful, and she calmed.

We hugged anyway. This whole situation was becoming absurd.

Sarah and Casey chatted after that – the American wanted to find out more about Paige, and how school was going. I had to keep reminding myself that she knew almost nothing about the UK, bar what she’d seen in films and TV shows.

Watching them converse had me feeling all warm inside. I was enjoying seeing the two most important women in my life getting along so well.

I think Casey must have noticed that I wasn’t taking much part in the conversation though, since she wrapped me up in a loving embrace. Sarah gave us a smile that was full of adoration, made her excuses, and left to head upstairs.

Once we were alone together, I felt Casey pull me even closer, her fingers tenderly scooping my hair to one side. I let out a quiet sigh as her lips found my exposed neck.

 

Casey joined the rest of the family for dinner that evening, and it was a surreal experience.

On the one hand, there was my family. Compared to how things used to be, back when I had been my deadname, mealtimes seemed to be more relaxed. We all started clicking better as an actual family once I’d come out to them, and conversation was flowing more freely these days.

On the other hand, Casey was here. She was incredibly polite and rarely interrupted Mum and Dad, but her presence was a huge disruption for the others. Not that this was necessarily bad. She was the new shiny thing that everyone wanted to talk to. I could tell that they loved her accent just as much as I did.

There were a lot of questions about her own family back in the States, as well as her time in Germany. She was a little circumspect, which was understandable. We were new people and those were personal details. I hoped I'd get to meet her family one day, though. Inevitably, all of this led to questions about how we’d met. We were just super vague about it, settling on the story that we’d met ‘on the internet’.

Dad was watching us with suspicious interest, but I didn’t care. I had no intention of hiding the fact that we were likely more than friends by this point. Mum, on the other hand, did a good job of pretending like she had no idea that there was something between us.

It was just as everyone was finishing their meal that I sneaked my palm across the table, towards where Casey sat opposite me. She eyed my now-dainty hand, watching it wander within her reach – then her eyes flicked up to gaze into my own. I felt a blush rise up in my cheeks, but I managed my most innocent smile in return.

She casually stretched a hand out to wrap mine up in her long fingers, leaving me with a racing pulse and feeling breathless.

Sarah coughed politely, and gave us both a playful glare.

I was going to pull back in embarrassment, but Casey held my hand firmly for a lingering moment before releasing me.

It was all I could do to not drag her upstairs immediately.

 

We said our polite thank yous to Mum for the meal once everything was cleared away.

I took Casey’s hand and led her to my room, only to find Sabina was already there. She was hopping in excitement to see the both of us.

The thing about my room is that, while it’s contents are not overly gendered one way or the other, it did still have the ambience of the person I had pretended to be. This included my old clothes and a distinct lack of the things you’d expect to find in a young woman’s bedroom.

Feeling awkward about the state of my room, I allowed Sabina to distract Casey while I worked at changing the linens on my bed.

This served two purposes. The first was so that I could swap the duvet cover for one of my parents’ more feminine ones. The second was so that I felt more comfortable asking Casey to move out of the spare room.

I don’t think that either of us could take another night of pining from along the corridor. I certainly couldn’t.

When I came back into my room with some clean bedding, she moved to my side to assist. With her help, we would have been finished in no time at all, except Sabina was being her usual pest self. She’d get her claws caught in the sheets as she leapt around, forcing us stop to unhook her.

“So… does this mean you’d like me to sleep here tonight?” Casey asked, pulling me into a gentle embrace. I melted into her arms right there, making her giggle softly.

Once I felt like I could breathe again, I looked up into her eyes and gave her what I hoped was a cute smile. She growled under her breath and leaned down to rub noses. She is too cute.

We left the window open that night, just enough for Sabina to come and go as she pleased. That had been Casey’s idea, after I’d told her about my rude, painful awakenings the last few days.

The chilled draught meant that I was very happy for Casey’s extra warmth. I found it far easier to fall asleep that night when I was being held in her arms.

---

- Tuesday -

This time, I was awoken by someone running their fingers through my hair. It’s much nicer to wake up this way, that’s for sure.

Groggily, and with a small whine of discomfort at my aching body, I opened my eyes. My bedroom was dimly illuminated by warm yellow sunlight, filtering through my curtains.

Casey was admiring me as she surveyed my face – her other hand was exploring and gently caressing my neck. I smiled at her, then sleepily closed my eyes again.

“How long have you had freckles?” she asked, her accented voice just above a whisper.

I felt her brush a finger over the bridge of my nose, and along my cheeks, making my smile even wider.

“Good morning to you, too,” I complained back.

I felt her moving closer, and her lips brushed against mine. Oh. This was exactly what I’d wanted, without even knowing.

She enveloped me in her arms, and I lost myself in the pleasures of her attention. I found my fingers instinctively teasing the softness of her back and the nape of her neck. I’d never done anything like this before, so I was relieved when she took the lead.

Eventually, Casey let me fall back to sleep. She was probably worried I’d end up collapsing again.

 

The space next to me was empty when I woke up again, and I searched the room, blinking. Worry was already starting to build up inside me, until I saw Casey’s suitcase tucked in the corner.

I allowed a long, slow exhale. She hadn’t left.

‘Hunter wouldn’t allow her to leave without a very good reason,’ Muse said to me.

Wondering where Casey’d gone, I dragged myself out of bed and to the door. It was only when I opened it that I heard the clattering of someone in the kitchen. I couldn’t help but break into a smile.

Still dressed in my oversized t-shirt nightie, I danced my way downstairs. The noise I’d heard had been her frustratedly searching each of the cupboards.

“Hey,” I greeted, finding myself unable to resist stepping in close to her.

She pulled me into a hug with one arm, still searching the cupboards. “Hey, where do you keep the sugar?” she asked me, clearly getting annoyed. I could see now that she had been preparing us some breakfast. We didn’t have the ingredients for much more than cereal, but it looked like she’d worked that out for herself, judging by all the misplaced items scattered around.

I grinned, and reached out to the unmarked container that we kept on the counter top, offering it to her. She squinted at me, like I’d been pulling a prank on her the entire time.

Once our breakfasts had been sufficiently sweetened to her liking, we took our bowls of muesli to the living room. We sat alongside each other on the sofa, the bowls resting in our laps.

“So,” Casey began, digging into her cereal. “What’s the plan?”

I blinked at the question.

“The plan?”

“For today. Like, what are we doing?”

Oh right. I didn’t actually have a plan, so that needed some thought. What did I have that really needed doing?

“I need to visit the doctor, to give them… uh… something,” I answered obtusely, trying to hide my awkwardness with a spoonful of food.

Casey eyed me for a little while, her gaze drifting up and down my body. Eventually she said, “We need to get you some clothes, babe.”

“Mum’s going to do that when… uh, next weekend,” I stumbled, feeling a blush rise up in my cheeks.

Shit. What kind of girl doesn’t have her own clothes?

Hell, I don’t even have my own underwear. Who doesn’t have their own underwear?!

“We can get you something, don’t fret,” Casey smiled at me, patting me reassuringly on the arm. “I’m sure Pa wouldn’t mind me buying a special girl some clothes.”

With those two sentences, my emotions were completely scattered to the four winds.

She thought I was special? My heart did its usual flutter at the sound of that.

Plus, she wants to buy me some clothes? It felt like it had been so long since Mum had promised to take me shopping.

But, she’d be able to tell that I had zero experience when it came to shopping.

On top of everything else, there was no way that she wouldn’t guess that something was up with me. She’d want me to explain why I was so useless at everything, and that meant… I’d have to tell her who I had been.

Muse was gently dampening down my emotions, preventing a full-on anxiety attack, but they still felt raw inside me.

Casey watched my internal struggle, her eyes softening with concern. Tears started to spring into my eyes, and I couldn’t tell whether they were from happiness, fear or some monstrous mishmash of both.

“Hey, hey… what’s wrong?” she asked me, setting her bowl aside and reaching out for my hand.

This was it. This was the moment that she abandoned me – I could feel it. Still, I felt like I had to tell her or my endless deception would end up making us both feel awkward.

I did likewise with my own bowl, setting it aside – its weight in my lap was starting to feel overwhelming.

I cleared my throat, doing my best to keep my voice level as I began my explanation, “Casey. There’s something about me you really need to know.”

The worry that had been growing on her face resolved instantly into a look of relief. She gave me a reassuring smile, but didn’t interrupt what I was going to tell her. This sudden change in her demeanour threw me a little, but I was determined not to back down now that I’d started.

“I… Muse has been changing my body ever since we met,” I began, searching her face for that first indication that she was going to reject me. She didn’t show signs of it yet, though, so I carried on. “Muse knew that I couldn’t… function with how I used to be, so she offered to adjust some things.”

‘It was a little more than some adjustments,’ Muse commented, reminding me that she was still here.

Even though I looked deep into Casey’s eyes, I still found nothing but love and acceptance. I could feel my body beginning to freeze up as the moment arrived.

Taking a deep breath, I trembled slightly – the gravity of the impending confession was bearing all of its weight down upon me.

“Casey... I’m trans and-” I began, but she pressed two fingers to cover my mouth.

“I know, Erin,” she interrupted. “It’s okay. Really.”

After a few moments, my heart thumping in my chest, she slowly removed her fingers and replaced them with her lips. She pulled me into her arms, holding me protectively. Tears of both relief and happiness were rolling down my cheeks, but at least this time I knew which emotions were behind them.

---

We got dressed after a few more cathartic kissing sessions, although I still had to borrow some of Sarah’s clothes to do it. This time Casey helped me. She picked out a different summer dress from the one I’d worn before – this one was black, with a red floral pattern and spaghetti straps.

Given how hands-on our relationship had been so far, we decided that showering separately was the best idea. We’d never manage to get anything done otherwise.

Being alone for that half an hour also gave me the opportunity to check myself out in the mirror – something I hadn’t done in a while.

As I scanned over my reflection, I was amazed at how different I looked after such a short time. Even since Friday, so much had changed. My nose and underneath my eyes were spotted in cute freckles, and my lips were looking more full. My cheek bones had also lifted very slightly, my face softening as it rounded out.

My auburn hair fell down to my shoulders now, and sat perfectly, curled lightly at the tips.

I was wondering when I’d stop feeling euphoria in reaction to seeing myself, but it clearly wasn’t today. My smile, when it came, was a brilliant beaming grin that made me giggle.

Wow. The girl in the mirror looked so happy.

‘I told you, she’s pretty,’ Muse reminded me, cheerily.

Our hands refused to keep to themselves after our showers, and it took us far too long to get dressed as a result. But we were finally ready to leave just before lunch.

Casey was wearing a light, ankle-length skirt with a black tee and short cardigan. Combined with her sunglasses, she looked like she meant business.

I didn’t really have anywhere to keep my phone or house keys, so she had to look after those for me. Goddess, how useless I felt next to her.

She reached out for my hand once we were outside, and we walked our way to the town centre with our fingers entwined. She was fascinated by all the differences she saw in the England from films versus the one in reality. She gushed at how we actually did have little red post boxes, and fish and chip shops.

Our first destination was the doctor’s office, where I dropped off my change of name documentation at the reception desk. The receptionist squinted at me and gave me an appraising look.

“The doctor said that this was all she needed to write me a letter,” I said, hiding behind a large pair of sunglasses that Casey had let me borrow. She keeps spares, apparently.

The receptionist nodded curtly, checking something on her terminal, then answered, “It should be waiting for you here tomorrow from around noon.” Her eyes flicked to Casey, who was staring around in absolute awe at what she was seeing.

Next, she took me shopping.

Our town wasn’t that big compared to others nearby, so it only had a handful of clothes shops. Casey dragged me to each one, making my try on a few of the ‘essentials’ that she said I needed. These turned out to include underwear, nightwear and my very first bra. Sorry mum.

She insisted I get some plain t-shirts and sets of jeans, too. Then we went shoe shopping.

“Are you sure your Dad’s going to be okay with you spending so much?” I asked, looking uncertain as I took in the growing bundle of carrier bags we’d accumulated.

She just laughed in reply, “Oh babe, he’s going to adore you. I think he’d be upset at me if I didn’t.”

---

We almost lost track of time as we got caught up in the flurry of spending. Luckily, I managed to make sure that we were back early enough to take everything home before we moved to our final destination – Sarah’s school. We had an appointment with a certain dickhead brother.

Casey took my hand again as we left home for the second time today. Our expressions turned more sombre as we grew closer to our inevitable encounter with my sister’s tormentor.

“So, what do you know about Ryan?” she asked me. I shrugged my shoulder. His name still sounded familiar but I couldn’t quite connect it to a face in my mind.

“He’s about my age, from what Sarah’s told me, but he didn’t go to university after finishing school,” I replied. “Instead, he’s just been getting drunk at home and smoking weed.”

She snorted derisively.

To me, it sounded like he really needed to focus on his own life before trying to fuck with someone else’s. The fact that he was making it a personal crusade to screw with his sister’s love life just made him even more of an arsehole.

We arrived outside the gate about ten minutes before Sarah was due to leave. I stared at the buildings beyond while we waited. This was all bringing back way too many memories for me – most of them bad. Sarah and I had both attended the same secondary school, and had been just a couple of years apart. This was the first time I’d seen it since I’d left.

The scene had changed noticeably beyond what I remembered. The barrier that encompassed the whole site was now formed from metal railings – rather than wooden fence panels – and a new building was already under construction.

“Oh shit, all the kids are wearing uniforms,” she gawked, snapping me from my thoughts. “It’s just like Hogwarts.”

That made me laugh, and I bumped my hip against hers playfully. I was just turning back to look for Ryan again, when I froze.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him. Instantly, without even needing to think, I knew. My brain must have stored all memory of this guy in the deepest dungeon it could find, and thrown away the key. But now it had broken free again.

I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat, and managed to croak, “That’s him.”