Ferdie and the Elementals

If there's something thing I learned over the course of the last three weeks, it's this: you can have too much of a good thing.

I'm not sure why or how things get so... competitive, but I'm just chalk it up to Zazel's and Raelith's aggressive natures. They somehow turn something that could be fun and relaxing into some kind of rowdy contest to see which who can make the most Thralls. Physically, I can keep up thanks to my powers, but after the first day of juggling bodies and personalities, it starts to feel like a big fucking chore. Literally.

On top of that, when the 'process' works, it really works. If the magic activates, Zazel and Raelith have about a minute to run outside into the yard before the Thralls get magicked into existence.

The first time we get it to work, Raelith ends up blasting out a bunch of War Bastards in the middle of the house, which destroyed a bunch of windows and furniture and punched a couple of holes in the walls. I get kinda pissed, but Domina was able to save the day with her magic and elbow grease.

After I realize how good Domina is at fixing stuff, I am more or less able to relax and sort of come to terms with how amusingly ridiculous whole situation is. And It's sort of funny to watch them suddenly start to glow and scamper off, like some drunk dude rushing to the toilet when the booze decides it wants to come back up to say hello.

Anyways, we get a shit ton of Thralls out of the whole ordeal. Zazel guesses in the beginning that we might make maybe 1200 or so in a week, but we end up with a little over 8000 before the month closes out. Zazel and Raelith fight over who was the winner of their perverted little game, but it pretty much looks more or less even: half Butt Ugly Spawns, and half War Bastards.

Zazel and Raelith send the Thralls off as soon as they get popped out to find crystals and other Elementals. Thanks to the link they share with their Elementals, Spawn and Bastards can beam info directly into Raelith and Zazel's brains, so they're perfect for scouting. And since they're pretty much just made of magic slime or metal, we don't even have to feed 'em.

We eventually decide to pull the plug on our little Thrall factory when Zazel tells me one of her 'babies' found an Elemental's Domain. Better yet, it's only about an 8 hour drive.

I just hope this next Elemental is a little more laid-back than Zazel and Raelith.

With Raelith at the wheel, the four of us roll across the wilds Astraea in one of Raeliths creations. It kind of looks like a cart designed by a black metal band; all iron and covered in thick gnarled spikes. It doesn't have any seats-Raelith says comfort invites weakness-but at least the design keeps the four us from falling off every time she takes a sudden sharp turn, which is quite a fucking lot, if I'm honest.

"Brisket!" Zazel shouts through the rushing wind. "My baby is close! Quit gawking at those creatures and keep an eye out for the crystal! And War, mind your driving! I love a good thrill, but I won't die for one!"

Raelith scowls and shouts back over the roar of the wheels against the ground. "I know what I'm doing!"

Domina squeezes close to me. "Master, please save your energy. I will spot the crystal on your behalf."

"Are we there yet?" Raelith asks over the rushing wind, her eyes still on the trail ahead of us.

"Almost!" Zazel shouts. "Just keep going forward! We're close!"

I keep scanning the fields, which have gotten more and more yellow and dry as the hours have passed. Here and there, I spot some Catbirds, a few Girafficorns, and a little cluster of muscly-looking animals way in the distance that I ain't seen before. The whole scene reminds me of pictures of the Serengeti in those old books my dad used keep in the cellar. There are even quite a few of those weird trees that look like storm clouds with lightning for trunks.

Domina taps my shoulder. "Look, Master! I see it! There, on the horizon!"

I squint and see something in the distance. Even in the early afternoon sunlight, I can make out it's yellow-orange glow.

"I think you're right, Domina," I say. I point to the crystal. "Raelith, you see that? In between those two trees over there?"

Raelith nods and yanks the steering wheel, the cart lurches violently, almost throwing me and Domina out of the cart.

"Jesus fucking-"

"AHAHAHAAAHA!" Raelith laughs, her massive hands wrapped tightly around the steering wheel.

"Hey, asshole," I shout at her over the rushing wind, "you mind not throwing the Hero of Astraea over the fucking side!?"

"It's not like you'd die. And what doesn't kill you," she pumps the gas hard, "MAKES YOU STRONGER!" The cart rumbles and shakes, the wheels bouncing and grinding against the earth. She cuts another turn, almost throwing us out again.

After a few more minutes of reckless driving, we spot the little Butt Ugly Spawn next to the crystal. It jiggles up and down excitedly as Raelith rolls up next to it.

"Marvelous effort, dearie!" Zazel quickly hops out of the death metal cart and gives the Spawn a hug.

The the rest of us climb out, the grass crunching and crackling beneath our feet as the sun beats down on us. I'm the only one who need to go, but I guess everyone is feeling stiff after sitting for so long.

Domina produces an umbrella out of nowhere. "Master, I have plenty of refreshments, so if you are thirsty, just let me know."

"Good lookin' out," I say. "Maybe later."

"I will have some wine," says Zazel, seizing the umbrella from the maid, "and make it chilled and snappy in equal measure."

Domina bows. "As you wish." She turns to Raelith, who is busy cracking her neck and shoulders. "And you, Lady Raelith? Anything at all?"

She doesn't say anything. Instead, she stops and stares out over the field, scanning it cautiously like a hawk.

"Yo, Raelith. You good?" I raise an eyebrow, looking here and there to get a glimpse at whatever might have gotten her attention.

She takes a couple of steps forward, looking, listening. She even takes a couple sniffs of the air.

Zazel sighs, fanning herself. "This heat is maddening! Quickly finish you business before we all turn into that dried meat you love so much!"

"Yeah, yeah, quit flappin' your yap. I'm goin'."

I leave Raelith to her staring and get on with busting the crystal.

This is the biggest crystal is the biggest I've seen yet; about as wide as dumpster and about twice as tall as me. The mana deep inside it swirls like a tornado of little stars and sparkles, which means there's either a spell or a weapon inside.

I crank my head around. "Hey, everyone stay back! I'mma turn this bitch into dust!"

I face the crystal, and breathe. Okay, Ferdie. You only a need a little of that power. Just enough to break it.

I take a deep breath and pull from my core, but it comes out faster than I thought, and I close the gates fast and punch out even faster.

"RRRAAGGHH!"

There's a blur, and a little crack of thunder. And now, there's a big, fat hole right in the middle of the crystal. Then, with a sudden burst of light, the mana rushes to the edges of the crystal, then the whole thing pops into tiny shards, like crushed ice.

I take a second to cool off and push down my rage then lean over to take my prize. I see blurry form of something long and flat underneath the shards. Reaching in carefully, I pull out the object.

"Huh," I say, turning the thing over in my hands. "It's a sword."

It's a very nice sword, kind of like the ones some of the dudes from Lord of the Rings had, except a little more fancy. The blade is a bit more than three feet long, and it's got a blue-greenish aura. The grip is a bit small, but I can wrap my hand around it without too much trouble.

I close my eyes. Hey, Pendant. Give me the lowdown on this weapon.

The good ol' blue runes appear.

Weapon: Level 2: Sword of Courage: Inflicts moderate slashing damage. Provides a slight boon to Charisma. When held, the blade prevents the wielder from being frightened or otherwise intimidated.

A sword isn't gonna help us very much, and the enchantment doesn't seem too useful. These crystals are kind of a waste of time.

I open my eyes, and walk a back over to the others.

"Yo, Zazel. You think this thing is any good?"

"Not in your hands, egg. Look!"

I shoot back to the sword, and the nice minty glow it had a second ago is totally gone. It somehow feels a bit cold and limp, like a little metal corpse.

"The fuck? Did I just kill the sword?"

Then I remember what the Hero Pendant told me before. I can't use magic, even magical weapons.

Raelith as she paces about, eyeing the fields and the trees with an intensity that would make a sniper feel proud.

She would probably be the best choice for a wielder, but she's already a living armory. And she definitely doesn't have issues with bravery. And Zazel already has a sword so...

Domina sees me and bows. "Good job, Master. I see you found a weapon."

I raise it to show her. "Yeah. This is a Sword of Courage, or at least, it was. It doesn't seem to work for me."

Domina's eyes widen. She reaches out and takes it, and the blade glows and hums, the aura growing in strength.

"Oh, it seems to have awakened, Master!"

"What?" squawks Zazel. "You're gonna give it to her? Maybe I would like to have it, did you ever consider that, lump?"

"Zazel, you already have a sword. Domina has a broom and kitchen knives. She needs something with a little heft." I turn to the maid. "I hope it suits you."

She bows, the light of the sword seems to dance in her eyes. "Thank you, Master, for this wonderful gift! I will treasure it, always!"

"Cool. Now let's get our asses back on the road. We got two more crystals to smash on the way. Raelith, rev up your thing and let's go."

She glances at me for second, looks back over the Astraean Serengeti again, then back at me.

"Something wrong?" I ask her.

She shakes her head. "It's nothing," she stretches her arms cracks her knuckles. "We ride to the next crystal!"

We blast through the Astraean Serengeti once more, and Raelith seems to be driving a bit more carefully. She's still going pretty damn fast, but she's stopped with the screaming and sharp-ass turns.

I get a closer look at some of those buff-ass animals I saw earlier; they are about as big as they are ugly. I decide to call 'em Bullpigdogs, because they look like roided-up pigs with bulldog faces. They are about the size of a buffalo, and have this garish purple skin with little green tennis ball-sized lumps-which I guess are warts-sprinkled here and there on their bodies.

They stare at us stupidly as we drive by their herd in a dusty blaze, their flat piggy noses oozing with snot. They are pretty disgusting, but something about them makes my mouth water.

Take away the green warts and... Nah, fuck that. I've been I've been hanging out with Raelith too much.

"Hey, Beautiful!" shouts Raelith. "Those animals back there, my scout tells me some them have gathered by the next crystal."

"Yeah, so?"

"Just saying because it looks like they're acting kind of aggressive. We might be in for a fight."

"I don't wanna kill any animals, but if they rush us, we might not have a choice, I guess."

Raelith doesn't say anything. She doesn't have her usual hungry look or lick her lips. And she keeps looking over her shoulder.

I keep an eye out over the sunny landscape for the next crystal or more animals, but I end up spotting both at the same time. Can see a green one sticking out above of the middle of big, shallow muddy pond with a bunch of buff-ass animals around it.

I also see Raelith's War Bastard, but the wicked black suit of midget plate armor is keeping the widest possible birth from the pond.

Guess he wasn't invited to the party.

Raelith grunts and slams the pedal to the medal, and we zoom across the plains, the cart clacking and shaking over every little bump in the ground. She gives a gives her Bastard a salute with a fist across her chest as we zoom past it.

As we close in, it becomes clear that the purple things are, in fact, Bullpigdogs. Only these ones are even more ripped and ugly.

Zazel taps me on the shoulder and points out to the mass of sloshing animals. "It seems the beasts aren't just here for the water. Look."

I move my head back and forth to see what she's talking about. It's hard to see past their big lumpy bodies. Then, two of the ugly fuckers get in a fight and break apart from the group, I see several of them around the crystal, licking and gnawing at the damn thing like it's a giant piece of rock candy.

Raelith stops about fifty feet from the pond. The cart settles and she pulls the brake. "I smell a fight."

I lean against the railing and fold my arms. "Let's see what they're all about."

Zazel sighs. " Domina, I trust that you brought more wine? I'll have that, now."

Domina nods. "Of course."

I get a closer look at the animals. And they get closer look at me. These guys aren't like the other ones, with the stupid, glazed over expression like my numbnuts boss Arlo used to have all the time. No, these fuckers have a sharp, mean look that says, 'the fuck are you doin' here, asshole?'

In moments, even the rowdiest of the bunch has turned toward us to give their unfuckingdivided attention.

"I'd rather not hurt these animals," I hop over the edge of the cart, "but if they start some shit..."

"I have your back, Beautiful." says Raelith, summoning a huge-ass Bloodiron hammer as she leaps out behind me.

I step towards the crystal, trudging through the water. The Bullpigdogs stare at me with a menacing intelligence, their muscles tense and ready.

They don't look like they're in a sharing mood, but maybe I can scare some sense into 'em.

I stand up real tall, spread my arms out wide, and take in a deep breath. "Alright, you ugly, dirty fucks!" My voice roars like thunder. "Unless you wanna be my dinner, you'd better-"

The lot of them yelp and squeal like scared little children and scatter in all directions, splashing muddy water everywhere as they bolt like mad out of the pond and across the savanna.

I lower my hands, watching them run away into the hills. "Wow. That was easy."

Raelith cracks up like mad, I can hear Zazel cackling from the cart as well. Domina has her head bowed, but can't quite hide the little smile on her lips.

I smile and shake my head. "Well, while you guys get it out of your systems, I'mma get that crystal."

I trudge through the water, toward the tall blue crystal. I can sparkling mana swirling around inside it.

Ripe for the harvest, baby!

Pull up some of my power, and a lot more than I wanted comes out. I clench my fists and take a deep, sharp breath as the fire sears me from the inside.

I have no choice but to let it out. I crank back and unleash as hard as I fucking can. I put my whole body into my punch, curving my strike into a deep penetrating arch.

"RRRAAGGHH!!"

My haymaker from hell annihilates the crystal like a bomb going off in a glass factory, sending shards of magic rock in every direction and the muddy water high into the air. When the mud and magic rocks stop falling and the mist blows away, I'm left with nothing but a big muddy hole.

Oh, fuck. I think I nuked whatever was in there!

I look back at the others. Raelith is standing there with a greedy smile on her face, while Zazel and Domina look confused as all hell.

"Shit..."

But before I get too pissed, some sparkly mana shit starts floating down over the watery little hole where the base of the crystal was. It all sort of converges in one spot in the air and compresses into a little orb of light. Then, when the very last spark of mana goes into the glowing mass, the whole thing becomes round and solid.

Maybe I didn't fuck it up after all. That's a spell for sure.

I head over and take the little green ball of crystal. I roll it between my thumb and index finger, and hold it up to the sun. It glitters nicely in the light.

I close my eyes. Hey, necklace! What's this spell?

The runes come back.

Neutral Spell: Level 2: Dreamissiles: Launches up to 6 glowing darts of magic. Each dart hits a creature of your choice that you can see within range. A single dart has a moderate chance of instantly putting the target into a deep sleep for 10 to 15 minutes, depending on a variety of factors. The darts all strike simultaneously, and the caster can direct them to hit one creature or several. If the target is already asleep, the projectiles deal a moderate amount of psychic damage to the target.

Eh, this kinda sucks; robots don't sleep. I guess it could work on some the flesh 'n' bone Limp Dicks, though.

I turn around and march back through the mud. "Raelith! Lets' ride!"

She doesn't hear me; she's just staring out into the fields again. I look around, but don't see anything out of the ordinary.

"Yo, Raelith. You good?"

She shakes her head and blinks a couple of times. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure?"

She turns and heads back to the cart. "Don't pamper me. Let's go find the next one."

As I approach Zazel stares at me and she clacks her nails against the rail of to cart.

"It's a spell. And no, I'm not giving it to you."

She throws her empty wine cup at me, but I slap that shit out of the air.

"The fuck, Zazel?"

"Why do you always get to decide who gets what? I'm the chaos witch! The sorceress supreme! All the spells should go to me by default!"

"But with your crazy chaos shit, you can basically use every spell anyways, right?"

"Don't get smart, stupid. Your gross oversimplification threatens to give me an aneurysm."

"Whatever. No matter how much you bitch at me, I'm still giving it to Domina."

"What? How many gifts do you intend to shower upon her?"

"I'm not 'showering' her. She needs gear and spells. Right now, all she can do is clean stuff and build crap."

"Hmph. And what does it do, exactly? Is it a Chaos spell?"

"Neutral," I say, placing the little marble in Domina's hand. "And I guess it puts people to sleep or fucks 'em up if they're already sleeping."

Domina's eyes go wide and a smile forms on her lips. "Oh, Master! Thank you so much!"

"Enjoy your strange spell, maid," she leans back against the rail and folds her arms.

"I will treasure anything and everything Master gives me."

"Tch. Sycophant. If you're going to take that spell, you could at least compensate me with some more wine!"

Domina presses the crystal against her chest, right where her stone would be. There is a bright green flash, and when the light fades, the crystal is gone. "Yes, Lady Zazel," she whips out a nearly empty bottle and another cup. "You're awfully thirsty today, if I may says so."

"Indeed," Zazel says, staring me down with narrowed eyes.

We're crushing along, the wind is blowing through our hair, and the ass end of the sun is just about to sink below the horizon. We've got one more crystal left to hit, then we can have some dinner and kick back before going into the next Elemental's domain. I guess she lives in some pyramid in the middle of a jungle or some shit, but I ain't hoofin' it though through the mud and bushes in the dark. Fuck that.

"NO! ARRGH!" Zazel growls like a little kid who just got her ass kicked on a video game.

"What the fuck, Zazel?"

"My baby's dead!"

"What? Your Thrall got clipped?" I ask.

She nods, shaking her fist. "Unbelievable! It's gone, just like that!"

Domina pats her shoulder. "I'm sorry for your loss, Lady Zazel."

"I don't under- Understand what could have possibly killed it!" Zazel says, as she tries to take a sip from her empty cup.

"It was probably one of these crazy-ass animals or something. Maybe some of them Catbirds."

"I doubt it. B-but whatever it-" she burps a little. "Whatever it is, I'll have retri- They're gonna pay!"

"Okay, everyone. Just in case, keep your eyes peeled for some crazy shit."

With Zazel so tipsy, and with no Thrall to guide her senses, we have to scout for the crystal the old-fashioned way, which burns a lot of time. But when the sky starts to turn dark, it makes it easy enough to spot the orange-red glow of the big crystal, even though it's blocked off by a grove of trees.

Raelith slows the death metal cart down to a crawl as we get close to the grove. She glaces every which way, her eye darting all from side to side.

"Keep it quiet, now," I whisper. "We don't wanna start a fight unless we got no other choice."

We make it to the edge of the treeline and hop off. Raelith and I head into the trees, with Zazel and Domina close behind me. Zazel is pretty much drunk, so we stick her in the middle and keep her quiet as we creep.

We don't see anything unusual, so we keep pushing until we break through to the other side and come out into the middle of the vast grove. It's oddly quiet, and there are no animals anywhere. All we see is the big ol' crystal jutting up tall and proud like a huge magic boner.

"AHHH!" Zazel screams, making me and Raelith jump a little.

"Zazel, chill! You almost scared-"

"My baby!" She rushes over to spot of charred grass and scoops up a little strip of dried up, black goop. "Look at- Look at what they did to you..."

I shake my head. "Zazel, you have, like, thousands of the those things."

"N-now you listen- You listen to me, you egg!" She raises a finger, dropping her precious 'baby'. She stumbles a little as she takes a couple of steps toward me. "First of all, you're terrible. And second-"

There's flash of white light, a burst of golden flames, and Zazel goes flying and rolling back, screaming in pain as she burns.

"AHHH! AAHH!"

"What the fuck!?"

"Lil' Sis!"

"Lady Zazel!"

The three of us are on her instantly, but just as we give her cover, I'm hit with the same shit. It's a blast of light or something, and it hits me hard and blows a blasts apart my shirt. I don't feel it too much and it doesn't budge me, but it does piss me off.

Then I get hit again. And again.

"ARGH! Motherfucker!" I swing around to face whatever the fuck is hitting us, and what I see makes me freeze.

Standing in front of the crystal, is some dude in silvery robes. He's holding some kind of long wooden staff with something that looks like a unicorn's horn at the end of it, and he has the head of a giraffe or some shit.

But whoever this fucker is, he ain't gonna have no kind of head when I'm done with his ass.