Ferdie and the Elementals

I can feel the liquid's effects immediately, and my mind starts to warp and twist in new and strange ways. The room around me starts to shimmer and shift, and the walls and furniture seem to breathe and move.

My eyes fall on Zazel, and I see her begin to transform. Her body starts to melt and morph, becoming a writhing mass of tentacles and flesh. Her eyes grow and expand, taking up most of her face, and her mouth stretches wide and toothy.

I feel the mixture's effects intensify, and I am transported to another plane of existence. I find myself floating in a vast, empty void, surrounded by stars and galaxies of all colors.

But the stars aren't stars, they're eyes. They don't look like eyes, but I know they're eyes. It's so obvious. People say they're just balls of burning gas or whatever, but they're really eyes. And the galaxies? Well, they're just giant eyes made out of other eyes. What else could they be?

And all these eyes, they're watching a few people who are walking around just minding their own business. The people aren't really doing anything interesting, but the whole universe is watching them. They walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk forever and ever. How can they walk so much? I'd be pretty tired if I walked that much.

Then, all the stars go dark. There's no light at all, except a little bit coming from the people. And the people? They stop walking 'cause they don't have any idea what the hell is going on. I would be confused, too. Like, completely.

There's a flash of dark purple light, and this other dude appears. He raises his hands high into the air, and there all of these colorful explosions. The blasts go on and on and on until all the people disappear. Shit sucks, man.

The colors fade, the stars go out, and I find myself staring up at Zazel's ceiling.

I sit up, but everything feels heavy, like my clothes are make of metal.

She frowns. "What? You're done? That's it?"

I sit up and rub my head. "Was there supposed to be more to it than that?"

She huffs. "Fine. Just tell me what you saw."

I blink a few times; everything's still a little squiggly. "Okay, okay. I, uh, saw some weird shit."

"Such as?"

"Like, I was in the void, and I was surrounded by stars, but they weren't really stars, they were eyes."

"And?"

"And there were all these people who were walking. I don't know where they were going, but they just walk on and on until this big dude shows up. And this guy just makes everything blow up."

"And?"

"That's it. That's all I saw."

She puts a hand on her hip and strokes her chin for a few moments. "Hmm... Your vision was obviously a portent of doom."

"Portent?"

"It means 'omen', you slab. A bad one."

"What was it an omen of, though? I didn't really see anything important."

"It was one of death and destruction, clearly."

I shake my head and hold out my hands "So, what? Are you saying we're already fucked?"

"I'm not saying anything of the sort. But one thing is clear."

"What's that?"

"We are going to have..." She bounces and throws her arms up and her head back. "THE TIME OF OUR LIVES!"

Before I can stand up, she leaps on me, giggling like a maniac as she tries in vain to wrap her limbs around me like a sloth.

"Yo, chill out a minute!" I try to push her off, but she barely budges. Even though strength is probably her weakest asset, Unreleased Elementals are crazy powerful.

"No way! You owe me more Thralls!"

"The only thing I owe you is an ass whipping after that cheap sneak attack! Jeans don't grow on trees!"

"It's not my fault you don't pay attention to your flank, you goiter! Give me back my babies!"

"Chill! We'll be making more soon enough," I stand up and she finally lets go, though she still keeps up the catty look. "Consider yourself lucky 'cause we need those Butt Ugly Spawn of yours to save the world."

Her eyes go wide and her cheeks puff up. "Butt Ugly Spawn?! Butt Ugly Spawn!?" She raises her left hand and a strange, wild energy begins to flow through the air.

"Yo, Zazel, chill! I was just-"

"YtinasnI fo Niamod!"

My eyes are stung by a flash of multicolored light, and the ground becomes covered by something that looks like a liquid rainbow. Then, from out of thin air, a bunch of glowing pink and yellow chains shoot out and wrap around me in a violent whirlwind of colorful metal.

"Hey! The fuck is this shit!?" I struggle against the chains, but they're really goddamned tight.

My mouth drops as Zazel's body bursts into blue and green flames, completely enveloping her. Just as I start to wonder if she nuked herself, she bursts out cackling.

"AHAHAHA!" She moves her fiery limbs, as if checking them out. "Resplendent! Absolutely resplendent! I've been on fire, but I've never been fire!"

"Hey, quit fucking around and get this shit off me!"

"No! You must pay penance for insulting and destroying my babies!"

"Get bent, you crazy bitch! You were the one who launched a sneak attack and almost killed us with that Big Ugly Bastard- Oh, shit, wait!"

"WHAT!? How dare you, you absolute rancid-"

The chains vanish and I feel a strange dull pain from all over the inside of my body, like my bones are caving into themselves. Then, I get hit all over with objects laying around the room: the sword on the wall, a chair, a bunch of cans, a few random utensils and something silvery that looks suspiciously like a pair of anal beads. But instead of bouncing off of me, they sick to me like glue.

I try to pull some of the crap off me, but it's all stuck on pretty good. "C'mon, this is bullshit. You-"

Zazel's back to her regular plush self, but this time, she's standing with her arms spread out wide as she hovers in the air on top of something that looks like a giant floating manhole cover with blue and red neon lights all over it.

"Wee!" She laughs as she spins around and around. "Know my power, autofellator!"

"Hey! Quit playing around! Are you going to pass-"

"Restore Order!"

I'm suddenly surrounded by golden light . All of the crap and junk on my body drops off me, the colors disappear, and the crazy disk thing vanishes, sending Zazel crashing down onto her ass. The light fades, and Zazel's room is back to its regular messy and unorganized state.

Althea rushes to me, Sir Biscuit and a bunch of Knights pouring in from the entrance behind her. "Hero! Are you unharmed?"

"Althea, I told you to stay-"

"Oh, you rotten, fetid set of moldy labia!" Zazel scrambles back up to her feet, her long black nails and shark-like teeth bared. "First, you cheat your way through my beautiful, elaborately designed estate, then, you and your metallic bastards slaughter my innocent little babies, and then you, apparently unsatisfied with your mass infanticide, barge into my personal chambers uninvited and ruin even more of my fun! It's almost as if you want to die a terrible death!"

Oh, shit. Here we go.

Althea marches forward, stoic and proud. "I will not be shamed by your depraved insults nor cowed by your empty threats, Chaos! You will show the Hero respect and you will come to Astraea's defense! Your God demands it!"

"Nobody tells me what to do, you pale, indoctrinated mooncalf! God can lick scat!"

Althea's face stays cold, but her ruby eyes begin to flicker and burn. "How dare you speak of our creator in such a manner! You owe Him everything you filthy, ungrateful, disobedient villain!"

"God can lick scat! God can lick scat!"

"If you do not cease your blasphemy, I will have little choice but to silence you myself!"

"Ha! You think you can make me do anything, you pale little blister? You're the weakest you've ever been, Order. Had I used a stronger spell, you wouldn't have been able to-"

"Unreleased or not, I will make you kneel if you-"

"God can lick scat, and so can you! You can lick it, suck it, chew it all day, every day until the end of time!" Zazel begins to make these long, deep nasty licking and sucking sounds.

Althea clutches her war hammer with an iron grip, her fist shaking. "Hero, I cannot endure this much longer."

"Lick scat, lick scat, lick-"

"Chaos, you will regret ever-"

They start to stomp toward each other and I step between them.

"Whoa, hey!" I wave my hands. "Yo, everybody just chill the fuck out for a minute!"

They stop in their tracks. Zazel raises an eyebrow and gives me a you're-such-a-dumb-fuck look and Althea stares at me like a disappointed parent looks at their misbehaving child.

I turn to Althea. "It's cool Althea, I've got this."

"Hero, I simply cannot-"

"Look, I just finished the trial. So chill and go wait outside."

Althea looks at me, then to Zazel, then back to me and takes a deep breath through her nose. "Very well, Hero. I will entrust you with this... Situation."

"Good. I'll be out in a minute."

She nods and assesses me and Zazel a bit more before finally around and marches out, Sir Biscuit and the other Knight following lockstep close behind.

The huge metal door slams shut, and I turn back to Zazel, who has her arms crossed and her nose turned up.

"Okay, Zazel," I push my shade up, "enough with the magic and the shit talk. I drank your little mixture and I told you about my trip. Do I pass or not?"

"Do you pass or not? Well, let me think..." She strokes her chin for a moment. "Yes. You have been found worthy of my companionship and awesome powers, even though you're nothing more a big, ugly, rude dolt who breaks into people's homes and kills their babies."

"Wow, thanks."

She shrugs. "But I have to admit that you and this whole scenario are the most interesting things that have happened since God locked me up in here."

"Yeah, I bet. Must suck to be locked up one place for centuries."

"A prospect that's made even worse by fact that the zealot gets to run around free while I stagnate. So, Release me, you roast."

"Finally. But, uh, don't you have to say the thing first?"

She lets out a huge sigh. "Ugh. Yes, I suppose I must do 'the thing'."

She raises her left hand lazily and lets out another sigh. "I, the Elemental of Chaos, recognize God's Divine Favor of the Hero and acknowledge his right to be Judged."

A wild, violent energy flows through the air, blowing and whipping around the junk and garbage in the chamber.

She rolls her eyes. "In accordance with the Divine Pact between God, Elementals, and Heroes, I hereby declare that the Hero is Judged Worthy to participate in the Ritual of Release."

Then the wind stops and the room becomes still again.

Zazel relaxes and gives me a look. The look. "Prepare yourself, Hero. Once I'm free, the paradigm of this world will never be the same."

----

I push open Zazel's big iron doors and I'm greeted by the sight of Sir Biscuit and the fifty or so salvaged Knights. In unison, they all turn to me, stand at attention, and slam their right fists into their chests.

I nod and purse my lips. "Yeah, now that's what I call respect!" I flex my biceps a bit. "I'm the Hero, baby! Praise me! Worship me!"

"Oh, Order. Must you fellate him at every turn?" Zazel makes her way out of her room, closing the giant doors behind her with a wave of her hand. "He already does it perfectly well on his own."

The Knights step aside and clear a path with perfect timing as Althea approaches from behind them. "I am well aware of the Hero's faults, but my concern lies with you, villain," Althea points her hammer at Zazel. "Should you take even the most trivial of actions against us-"

"Ha!" Zazel spits. "You think you can stop me from doing anything? Even unreleased, I would crush both of you handily."

"So you do intend to betray us." Althea readies her shield and hammer and her Knights draw their swords, filling the hall with the sound of sliding steel.

Zazel puts on a bored face and fiddles with her nails. "If the two of you ever decide to put your boots on my throat, the Liberation Society will be the least of your concerns."

"Hero, this scum must be-"

"Shut the hell up, both of you! You two are the ones who're gonna be the cause of all the trouble if you keep fighting and sniping at each other all the time. And you're gonna give me fuckin' headache!"

The two of them freeze and look at me.

"You're not gonna fight, and you're gonna play nice. End of story."

"But-"

"No buts. Althea, Zazel's our ally and we need her to help. Or did you already forget what God said?"

Althea frowns, and I can tell she doesn't like it, but she keeps her mouth shut.

"Zazel, quit trying to rile Althea up all the time. Save it for the Limp Dick Society."

Zazel unfreezes and goes back to playing with her nails. "Fine. I sure hope this is all worth it."

"Believe me, these fuckers need to go down. They say they're fighting for freedom and justice or whatever, but all they care about is power. And they'll steal whatever and kill whoever just to get a little more."

My whole body begins to get hot as I think about the night with Kris and the bots, and all the times those fuckers took advantage of me. The power that lives in my core starts to whip and roil inside of me, and it starts to hurt.

I raise my fist. "Motherfuckers've gotta pay."

I stare in to my fist for a moment as painful memories play inside my mind like a fucked up montage, but the scalding pain inside me makes me snap back to the situation in front of me. I take a deep and the pain begins to subside.

I push my shades up. "So, are you guys gonna be cool or what?"

Zazel grins. "Well, I suppose collaborating with my antithesis might provide unique opportunities to experience some perverse new forms of entertainment. I'll 'play nice'. For now."

Althea, after a bit of hesitation, relaxes and the Knights sheath their swords. "As long as she remains loyal to us and faithful to the mission, I will endure her indiscretions as well as I can."

"Okay, good 'nuff?"

We all trade glances for a few seconds, then nod.

I sigh. "Good," I point my thumb down the hall. "Now let's get the fuck outta here. I'm out of jerky and thirsty as all hell."

Zazel shrugs and skips to my side. "So, where do you intend take me to first on this grand escapade?"

"We're going to my place."

"Your home? You have a home? How do you-" Her face is a mix of confusion, realization, and a little bit of disgust. "Wait, that pile of wood I saw was your home?"

"It's not a 'pile of wood'. And if you talk shit about my place, I'll make you sleep outside."

Althea blinks away her shield and hammer. "The Hero's home may be humble, but it is still more than you deserve, Chaos. You would do well to show some gratitude."

I expect Zazel to clap back at Althea, or at least shoot her some kind of look, but she doesn't. Instead, she just stands there looking disgusted and squinting past us with her mouth open for a moment before turning back to me. "Am I comprehending this correctly? I'm going to be living in that construct? With you and the tyrant?"