Exploring the Gateway

"There are things I can't tell you, for your and your mother's safety," he had told Alice the night before he disappeared. It was just the same thing John had told her a few moments ago, and she had leapt back into the rabbit hole. She could barely hear what John was shouting beneath her window as she sank into thought. It did nothing to distract her from the tears still stinging her cheeks, either.

'My father had always liked to keep meticulous notes about everything he did, it was his nature, I suppose. But I found none after he got sick. And now what my dad told me seems so strange… My mother had disposed of the notes or hid them, I have always been sure. Even with her consistent denial, I had never understood why. I think this is my answer. Whatever it is John is hiding it must be what had been in my father's notes as well,' she figured.

A series of strange occurrences had followed them both. Unknown people appearing to meet them, disappearing and never returning again. That look she had recognized herself more than a week ago, and the strange actions of both of them. Her father locked himself in his study for days on end, and John disappeared. It was all  too weird yet too similar to dismiss the connection.

While she had been thinking of this, John was still shouting outside. Alice had only barely registered what he had said until a few certain words were spoken.

"I still love you," he said, and paused, but that was enough. Tears formed in the young woman's eyes once more, and she couldn't bear to hear him any longer. She shut the window with a single smooth movement, before strength left her body and she collapsed onto the floor, leaning on the wall beneath the window. Nothing could be done, and if she could no longer trust him, he had only ever been a shadow of his former self. It became reasonable to lose him again, because she had never really got him back. As terrible as that thought was, it was the only thing that helped her block out the pain. Despite the constant thought that she might be wrong, that he might have been himself again. Losing John again would be far too much, she had already lost too much.

'He's still the same. It was still his voice talking. Those same arms had held me. He had his old jokes, and the exact same strange demeanor. It was still John,' that thought permeated, too hard to counter, and far too painful to accept. It gave her pause, and was almost impossible to disprove, and there was good reason for that. Everything was pointing towards John being innocent, or at least as much as her father. She was convinced that if he was still the same old John that he would only lie to protect her. Which made dismissing that idea that much harder. As she thought about it, her intuition pointed her towards him having, perhaps misguided, noble intentions. 

She didn’t want to keep thinking about it. Every instinct in her body told her that nothing but more pain or regret was down that path. Sadly, there was no way to stop herself now. The silence around her was almost insufferable, and she longed to hear John’s voice again, just to get out of her own head. It would only make the situation worse, Alice knew that, but nonetheless she thought back. He had said he loved her, and she believed him. For a long time, they had both felt that way and had not told one another. Now, he finally had. Just when she felt she needed to leave him, he said that like he was intending to punch her in the gut. Despite that not being his goal, it still felt that way.

Eventually, there was no way she could take it any longer. A simple look at the drawing John had made and that was now hanging on the wall was the final straw. She broke down there, still sitting on the floor. The sobbing could be heard for hours, until she had managed to fall asleep while back on her bed.

It was a Sunday, the 12th of May. Just after John had woken up. He had spent the last few minutes wondering about his current situation. Life had a different thought about what he should do, as it smacked him over the head with the unexpected sound of the phone call. The word that appeared on his phone's screen was just as surprising.

'Alice…' Was the only thing that passed through his mind before he answered.

"I'm sorry John," she now apologized. Her voice was shaky, but grew steady by the end, "I should take my own advice for once, and trust you too. I don't know what you're hiding from me, or why, but I know you’re still the same old person I've always known. That's why I don't care. I love you too, and there's nothing in this world that would make me give that up again. I want to be with you, same as always, and I’m not going to prevent myself from doing that due to fear anymore. I’m past that. I hope we’re both past that," she almost sounded relieved. John was utterly shocked, a thousand different thoughts crossed his mind, but none were as important as what she said. Despite everything, she believed him, it was the only conclusion he could come to, "that doesn't mean I don't expect you to tell me eventually. But I do trust you enough to believe there's a reasonable explanation for all this," he still wasn’t sure he could believe any of this, it was obvious she couldn’t forgive him this easily.

"Are you serious?" John asked, genuinely flustered, "I was sure you hated my guts..."

"If only. I almost wish I could hate you, John," Her tone was a strange mix of laughter and anger, "but, I am still angry at you."

"Justifiably, even I can understand that. I didn't want to drag you into this, and I still don't, but I should have told you something at least. Nothing can excuse me being an idiot, just like I always am," he paused for a moment, "let's just say I got a new lease on life. It’s the reason I approached you back then, but it's got me involved with some dangerous people. And I'm worried that if I tell you too much they could go after you as well," John attempted to explain as vaguely as possible, hoping that much would not endanger her.

"What?!? Are you involved in something illegal, John?" Alice responded, quite angrily.

"No, no, nothing like that. But it is dangerous," he quickly stammered out.

"Fine… I trust you," the doubt in her voice was almost palpable, "I'm coming up," John soon heard the doorbell ring, and rushed to see who was there. His parents had already opened the door to find Alice there.

"She's here to do the assignment," he quickly explained, grabbing her arm gently and pulling her towards the stairs.

"So, you pulled the same trick on me," he said jokingly when they got to his chaotic room.

"I thought it was fitting…" there was a pause as they both enjoyed the other's presence again, holding on to each other's hand for dear life. Both were sitting down on John’s bed, which was the tidiest place in the room. He noticed the sheets had been changed while he was away, so they were relatively orderly. Wanting to distract himself last night, John had gone about stuffing all the mess in the room into his various wardrobes cabinets and under the bed, so the rest of the room was similarly orderly. Eventually, John spoke up again, reminded of his goal the previous night.

"So… I guess we're dating now, officially?" his tone was uncertain, he had no idea where to go from here.

"Yeah… Maybe we should tell people," Alice suggested, seemingly just as unsure about that.

"I think that might be a bit hasty. Let's be honest, neither of us knows what this usually entails," that much was true, they both felt a bit of relief at their problems being spoken out loud, and Alice laughed.

"You're right. But we have to do something."

"Do we really? I think we can do that at our own pace, nobody knows we're dating after all, right?"

"Yeah, I haven't told anyone at least," she looked at John fiercely.

"What are you looking at me for," he said, chuckling, "no, I didn't tell anybody."

"Good, then I'll see you tomorrow," She stood up. John gave her a strange look before she continued, "consider yourself lucky you're getting away with this much. I'm still mad at you," his expression turned completely sour. Alice couldn't keep a straight face, either, and broke into a light chuckle soon after. "I see why you enjoy teasing me like that, it's fun," with that, she gave him a peck on the lips and left.