Euphemistically Yours

Grit was dripping blood, but smiling broadly. The blood clearly wasn’t his. Furthermore, he was wearing a butcher’s apron. The gore must have been intentional. Even so, we all jumped to our feet in horror.

“What happened? Don’t get blood on the floor!” I demanded.

He stepped back over the threshold. “A cart-ox was injured on the road out front. We’re the nearest holding, so mother is buying it cheap.”

“Buying it? We don’t need an injured ox!”

“She bought it as meat. It wasn’t going to live much longer anyway.”

“Oh, that’s different!” Fresh meat was a luxury, especially anything larger than a chicken. After all, cows are for milk and work, not food.

He smiled at my sudden change of attitude. “That’s exactly what mother said!”

“But, why are you messy? Aren’t the serfs doing the butchering?”

“They are, but it’s too much! Mother wanted to get it all before it’s covered in flies.”

That made sense, so I gave him a nod. “Alright. Go wash yourself off.”

“Yes, father. But, mother sent me to get help. We need more bowls and pots. Also, more hands to carry them.”

“I understand, in that case, go tell your mother that we’re on the way!”

We were already standing, so I motioned to the girls to set them into motion. Next, I turned to our guest, Will. “My apologies for the sudden change of plans, but opportunity only knocks once!”

“Of course. I’ll come back on a better day.” He moved to leave.

“Actually, if you’d like, you could help out and stay for dinner. I imagine you’ll eat better with us than at the barracks. We’ll have more meat than we can eat.”

As he considered my offer, he looked down at his fine clothing. Obviously, he wouldn’t want it to get dirty. It was probably his best outfit. Seeing his concern, I clarified my request, “By this point, we won’t need help with the butchering. But, we’ll need more hands to carry.”

“Oh, I can certainly do that!” He agreed with a smile.

“Not a bad deal, eh? When’s the last time you had fresh beef?”

“I truly don’t recall. It’s been a long time!”

His family didn’t hold land, so their earnings came purely from their employment. Beef was so expensive that it wasn’t hard to imagine that he’d never had it before.

About this time, the girls returned from the back of the house. Progress had changed into a more sensible daily outfit rather than her nice dress. I could see her anxious face since Will was still there, but she knew she’d hear no end of it if she got blood on her fine clothing.

From looking at the number of bowls in the girls’ arms, they must have grabbed everything they could find. Swift had also snagged several sheets of waxed cloth. Usually, that was used as a cover for storage, but maybe we could wrap it around some choice pieces to keep them fresh.

Naturally, Will and I had our hands and arms free. The reason for this is that, as men, our first duty was to protect the womenfolk. I retrieved my sword belt while Will retrieved his dagger from where he left it outside the front door.

Once everyone was ready, I led us off from the house. The situation with the oxen wasn’t directly in front of my holdings, or I would have seen it when I was coming in from town. Instead, the scene was further down the road leading away from town. The distance was far enough that I couldn’t even see it from our front marker poles.

As we walked, the girls brought up the rear. I could hear them chattering among themselves. Progress and Swift were trying to explain to Eu the reason behind the expedition. More accurately, Swift was doing most of it, because Progress wasn’t on speaking terms.

“We’re going to collect the meat from an ox.” Swift said.

“What is an ox?”

“It’s a strong cow?” Swift looked to Progress for confirmation.

“No, it’s a castrated bull - meant for labor.”

“What is castrated?” Swift and Eu both asked together.

Progress glanced forward at Will’s back who was walking beside me. “It’s umm … uh … father?”

She’s pushing this disaster onto me? I glanced over toward Will to see that he was steadily blushing further and further red. “It’s umm … something your mother can explain to you girls later.”

However, Eu was still curious, “Ox is cow for work? Boy cow? Girl cow?”

“It’s a boy cow, a bull.” I answered.

“Oh! Castrated is when a boy cow isn’t a boy anymore?”

“Err… yes.”

She paused to think about it. “Did the boy cow lose his carrot?”

“EUPHORIA!” I reacted with the same word, the same tone, and the same moment as Progress.

“What?” She replied, surprised by our sudden reaction.

Then Swift, as expected, chimed in innocently, “Which carrot?”

“Be quiet, Swift!” Progress growled, “Mother can explain later!”

Will tried to reassure all of us with a forced laugh, “It’s an honest enough question, right? Children have to learn about the world somehow.”

I gave him a thankful smile. He was trying his best, but I could see that he was avoiding my eyes. Obviously, he was fighting through his own reservations. Even so, I had to defend my family’s honor. “Eu was raised by … nuns. She wasn’t taught about certain things, but too much about others.”

He tilted his head, “You said that last time too. She only spoke the old tongue?”

“Yes, that’s true.” Suddenly I realized that I was digging myself in deeper and deeper. This would probably come back to bite me. What if he asked her to demonstrate? “Well, actually, only the nuns spoke the old tongue. I don’t think Eu even learned to speak at all.”

“Oh, that makes sense!” He nodded along. “But why?”

“Why what?”

“Why didn’t they teach her to talk?”

I shrugged. “The nuns? I certainly wouldn’t know!”

Claiming ignorance seemed to be a sufficient defense, because Will nodded his agreement. The various religious orders and institutions were all strange and mysterious. There was no simple explanation for their wild rules and strictures.

When we turned around a curve, the site of the accident came into view. The cart had already been pulled back from the road, while the dead ox was laid in the middle. Another merchant with extra oxen had stopped to help the first, and I could see the two haggling over the price of a replacement ox versus the cart's goods within.

More importantly, I could see Constance and our household servants and serfs steadily butchering the ox. They’d already removed the entrails, probably disposing of them in the wooded areas nearby. The skin had been flayed off to sell to the tanners. Right now, they were sawing at the spine to detach the ribs.

Obviously, none of them were experts. They knew how to disassemble a duck or a chicken, but a cow was a much larger task. The process was slow and messy, and all of them were covered in blood. Luckily, Constance had stayed back from the worst of it. A serf’s clothes wouldn’t mind a few stains, but our higher social class wouldn’t stand for it.

“Husband! I didn’t know you’d returned home. Also, Will, it is good to see you.”

Since she was of higher social status than him, he gave a deep bow. Really, the proper etiquette was to kneel, but nobody could blame him for keeping his clothes clean. “Goodwife, the same is true for me. I’m glad to be here and to help carry. Your husband likewise invited me to dinner.”

“Perfect! That’s exactly what I was just thinking!” She gave me a look and a nod of approval.

I breathed out a sigh of relief. I wasn’t sure how she would react given the stress of the situation. In fact, I had only invited Will to be courteous given the strange circumstances. Regardless, we’d have an excess of meat to eat tonight - and what better use than to share it with a guest? Doing so could spread tales of our generosity and help with our reputation in town.

Constance pointed toward a stack of meaty chunks lying on the grass near the road. “There’s what we’ve got so far. You girls load it up while the menfolk keep watch.”

My daughters moved quickly to obey, Eu following behind. She probably understood the directive, but it took her longer to process the words and figure out the meaning.

Next, Constance looked to me. “Husband. Would you cut down some saplings to use as spits? We could roast some of the meat here. It will be easier to carry if it’s in our stomachs.”

“I don’t have my axe.” I objected. Admittedly, I had my sword and dagger, but those were meant as weapons, not tools. Using them to cut wood was just foolish.

“Why don’t you ask the merchants? They’ll probably loan you one for a share of the meal.”

Since Constance clearly had command of the situation, Will stepped forward, “Goodwife, what about me?”

She gave him a smile, “Without Grit here, we need someone to stand guard. Can you watch over my girls?”

“Of course!”

In short order, we had a small bonfire going beneath wedges of beef on makeshift spits. The dripping grease and fat sizzled delightfully, releasing a heavenly aroma. The two merchants had shaken hands on their deal and then scrambled over to watch. Now they were crouched at the fire, waiting for their portion. Even the serfs were drooling since Constance had promised them each a taste for their efforts.

One of the merchants commented, “It’s been years since I’ve had beef.”

“Chicken broth, shreds of pork … or mutton if I’m lucky.” The other agreed. “This reminds me of a festival day.”

The first turned to laugh at him. “You’re taking this awfully well. That’s your ox we’re cooking!”

“Ehh… he was getting on in years. I knew he wouldn’t last much longer anyhow. I’m just glad this happened near a town. If it’d been out on the road, I’d be in trouble - and I wouldn’t have gotten a single coin from it. Instead with all of you here, I’ve got a young ox as a replacement. Better yet, I’ve made some new friends!”

I gave a smile at the two. Everyone seemed to be happy. He wasn’t wrong about making friends either. Constance had already invited him to stop at our lands the next time he came by. Of course, she was hoping to get some good deals in the future. We’d all profit from this disaster in some way or other.

Unfortunately, Eu chose this moment to interrupt us with her questions, “What is pork? What is mutton?”

“Pork is meat from a pig. Mutton is from a sheep.” I answered her.

“Meat and meat? Different names for meat?”

“Yes, different names.”

“Why? Why not say ox-meat, pig-meat, sheep-meat?”

I looked to Constance for help, but she looked just as lost as me.

“It’s to enhance the taste,” suggested one of the merchants.

“How does that work?” argued the other.

“You give the different kinds of meat different names to make them sound special.”

“Hmmm…” the other grumbled, unsure of that answer.

Will added his own opinion, “What about shepherd’s stew? You don’t call it mutton stew.”

“That’s a special case!” objected the first merchant. “You name that after the person who eats it, not the meat that it contains.”

Eu raised a hand, “shepherd’s stew… comes from sheep?”

Both of the merchants laughed, “where’d you think it comes from?”

“What about stew with pork? Pig herd’s stew?”

Will chuckled, “Sure… I guess so. I've never heard of that though.”

Eu pondered over the answer before replying, “stew from beef is ox herd’s stew? Cow herd’s stew? You eat coward’s stew?”

Will leapt to his feet, “I’m not a coward! Err… not a cow herd.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. She was insulting him without even meaning to.

“Oh! Not a coward. But these two are!” She looked at the merchants and their oxen. “You are cowards?”

The two of them laughed, “I suppose we are. Cow herds and cowards both.”

At this, she tilted her head, baffled by their answer.

Swift, clearly confused as well, moved around to console Eu. “Don’t worry about it! We know you aren’t a coward, Eu. You’re amazing!”

In exchange, Eu folded her arms. “Why would I herd cows?”

The two merchants laughed again. “Squire Deft, your daughters are hilarious.”

“Indeed! They are, aren’t they?” I breathed out a sigh of relief, and reached to the spit to take the first piece of roasted meat.

“But why is your middle daughter carrying a sword belt? And she’s wearing pants underneath her dress, isn’t she? You’ve got yourself a real tomboy, don’t you?”

That first bite of perfectly-roasted beef stuck in my throat as I choked.