Euphemistically Yours

By the end of the discussion, the sun was setting and I needed somewhere to stay. In a pinch, I could camp out again, but I’d promised Honey a barn, and it was important to keep your promises. Especially when Honey was involved.

I didn’t like the idea, but I decided that the headman, Apt, had the best house. Besides, I’d already given him some money. He owed me, right?

“Headman Apt. As a traveling servant of the Duke, I’ll be exercising my right to demand board and quarter.”

As expected, his face fell and his eyes started twitching around like the weasel that he was. “Normally, I’d offer my house, but… my wife is ill.”

That was a lame excuse and we both knew it, “She’s ill? What does that have to do with it?”

“She’s very sick! It could spread! It could be a plague or pestilence!”

Internally, I sighed. “Very well. You seem like a wealthy man. Put me up in one of your other properties.”

“Ahh…” I could see him struggling to think of some new way out.

Given the pause, a new voice spoke from behind. “Sir Deft. You could stay with us!”

Turning around, I saw the offer had been made by Vigor, the son of Diligence. I supposed he was the man of the house, so his overture was valid. Regardless, I gave a look to his mother for confirmation, but found her nodding along in agreement.

At that point, I considered the two different alternatives. I could easily force the headman to provide somewhere for me to sleep and probably some food as well. If not, I could teach him proper respect. However, that all seemed like a big pain and a waste of effort.

In contrast, staying with a willing serf family wouldn’t be comfortable for them or me, and it would detract from my personal honor as well as the reputation of the Duke. More importantly, I’d worry about what it would do to their finances. Honey could eat like a full platoon and never knew when to stop.

On the other hand, I already had high regard for Diligence and her family. Although it might lower my own reputation, by staying with them, I could improve their standing among the townsfolk. In addition, I could force an extra silver moon or two into the family’s hands - and maybe earn some more favor with Euphemism before the upcoming trip.

With my mind made up, I gave a nod to young Vigor and motioned for him to lead the way.

As we walked off, I heard the headman huff at us. I suppose he expected me to pay for lodgings? As much as I liked the idea of taking some petty vengeance, it just wasn’t worth my time. Clearly, the village didn’t think much of their headman. It was a position decided by social consensus and practice - not hereditary, nor by commission. He wouldn’t last much longer.

In fact, given the way things were going, I wouldn’t be surprised to find Diligence herself soon in the same role. This was especially likely considering the coins I’d given her probably made her the wealthiest serf in town. Not my intent, but it was a nice thought.

Vigor walked beside me and Honey. He was grinning broadly, which was infectious. I knew what it was like to be a young man hosting an important guest. If I had to guess, he probably still had dreams of weapons and armor and proving his valor in honorable warfare. For his sake, I hoped his boyish dreams would forever stay untainted by reality.

“You’re a squire?” he asked.

“Yes. A free squire in service to the Duke.”

“What’s a ‘free’ squire?”

“A squire isn’t just a career, it’s a social class or a connection between families. I outrank a gentleman, but not a knight. I’m called a free squire in that I don’t personally serve a knight. Naturally, I did when I was young, but now I’m one of many that serve the Duchy by choice instead of by obligation.”

“Oh?” He was mystified, but I’d probably feel the same if he explained how to grow radishes.

The three women followed behind us along the path, as fit their status. I could hear them talking quietly among themselves. I couldn’t make out the words, but I could definitely catch the grinding accent whenever Euphemism added a word to comment on the conversation.

From listening, her accent had two major components. The first was an overemphasis and hardening of all of the consonants. The second how she often used the wrong tone on the vowels. Combined, you had to listen carefully and parse meaning from context.

In any case, she didn’t say much, so I spent my time discussing the weather, geography, and local news with Vigor. In no time, we’d arrived at our destination.

Diligence’s farm and house fit her name. Even though she was a widowed serf, everything was kept clean and tidy. The fences were tight and strong to keep out foraging animals. The fields were straight rows with vegetable crops on the verge of harvest. The house was small, but kept in good repair.

Unfortunately, while there was a chicken coop, there was no barn. As we approached, I patted Honey’s neck, “Don’t worry, love. I’ll figure something out.”

“Are you talking to your horse?” Vigor peered over at me.

“I promised her earlier that she’d sleep in a barn tonight.”

“She prefers sleeping inside?”

“Actually, no. She doesn’t. But, a barn implies quality hay and treats.”

“Oh! We can do that!”

“I’d hate to impose. You have no idea how much she can eat.”

“Mmm… well, I bet she’ll be getting some treats anyway.”

“What do you mean?”

“My sister, Cheer, loves animals. If you let her have her way, your horse will end up fat.”

I gave him a grin, “Honey would love to be fat.”

Honey gave a huff of agreement, which made us both chuckle.

The grass around the backside of the house was thick and green, and served well as a temporary horse paddock. There was some concern she might come around front and stomp on the crops, but Vigor told me not to worry about it. Instead, he helped me out while I took off the saddle and baggage.

Cheer arrived shortly thereafter with a bucket full of carrots. Apples were Honey’s favorite, but carrots would be a close second. My only concern was the amount, but I figured it was too late. Honey had seen them offered, so she’d punish me later if I tried to restrict her intake.

In exchange, I gave Vigor and Cheer some pointers about how to approach and care for a horse. Honey knew all the tricks to getting the best treatment, so it was pretty easy. There’s no teacher quite as effective as a horse that sighs when you rub her itchiest spots.

In the meantime, Euphemism watched the proceedings from a distance. She didn’t seem the least bit curious. In fact, I could see her wrinkling her nose as if telling me that I was stinky. She was right of course. I’d been on the road for too long and I only had one extra change of clothing. Now that the trip out was done, I couldn’t wait to get back home and head to the public bath house.

When Diligence called us in for dinner, we all squeezed into the tiny house. The walls were formed from branches of wood tied with brambles and vines, then sealed with mud. At least, I hoped it was mud. The so-called roof was simply hay held up by supporting rafters. The only furniture consisted of piles of straw surrounding the central cooking fire. Those lumps clearly served as chairs, but also as bedding.

I looked around, realizing that it was rougher than I liked, but still better than I expected. In any case, it would be better than another night in the rain with a leaky tent on hard ground. I would have preferred a bed, but better this than putting up with that awful headman.

Supper was served in earthenware bowls. The contents were a mix of boiled grain and vegetables. I recognized carrots, radishes, cabbage, plus other edible leaves and simple herbs for flavor. A typical meal for peasants. In fact, they were probably splurging on my account. Obviously, I didn’t complain. I’ve eaten worse and gladly!

As a polite guest, I decided to spice up the occasion by handing out portions of some of my salted meat. Each piece was worth more than what I was being fed, but it raised my spirits to see the sparkle in their eyes. Meat was a luxury and they knew it.

The meal couldn’t begin without a blessing. Logically, that responsibility fell on me. By priority, it went to the eldest highest-status male adult. In other words, as an adult, Diligence would be picked before Vigor, but not for much longer. However, as an adult male, I outranked all of them. The exception is if I gave the honor to a younger male for their own training. In this case, as if he were my own son, I motioned for Vigor to speak for us.

After that, conversation was non-existent. It was already late and the coals of the fire were dimming. Peasants go to bed with the sun. The exception in all of this was Euphemism. Her stomach was growling loud enough to hold a conversation all by itself. Yet, she picked at her meal, inspecting each spoonful before approving it to be eaten. The grain and carrots seemed to pass inspection, but everything else large enough to identify was left in the bowl. On the other hand, she accepted my cured meat and devoured her portion almost instantly.

Her manners were atrocious and I gained another measure of respect for Diligence’s forbearance. The girl behaved like the picky princess of a fairy tale.

Wait just a moment … that image could actually explain a lot!

With that concept in mind, I watched her more carefully. Unfortunately, the idea only partially fit. Her posture was awful. Her gestures were slovenly. Her etiquette was entirely lacking. Even so, I could see she had certain mannerisms that would only fit among the nobility. For example, while dipping soup from the bowl, she would always dip away from herself. Likewise, she only used her right hand, while keeping her left hidden under the bowl in her lap. In contrast, the others picked up their bowls and scooped directly into their mouths.

Interesting. Unfortunately, I didn’t know what to do with it. If she was a lost noble, she’d been well trained, but made no effort to keep it up. What I saw was just the remnants of habits, probably learned from when she was even younger. Either way, it gave me another avenue to approach her. Maybe I’d try some experiments once we were out on the road together?

Once everyone had finished their bowl - or at least pushed the remnants away in Euphemism’s case, Diligence explained the sleeping arrangements. I had my own pile of straw, set apart from the family. The closest person to me was Vigor. The others were all on the far side, which fit status and custom. As an outsider, it wouldn’t be proper to put me in proximity to any of the womenfolk, no matter their age.

As the last light faded from the sky, I could hear the family’s breathing settle as each one of them fell asleep. I was about to do the same, when across the room, I heard Euphemism stir and rise.

I stayed silent to watch, but the motion was enough to wake Diligence. She sat up, saw it was Euphemism headed for the front doorway, then laid back down, seemingly unconcerned. In fact, I could hear her grunt out a few words to herself. “Again? Every single night?”

From that, I could guess this behavior was common. On top of everything else, the girl must be a poor sleeper? I could count on my fingers how many annoyances I was signing up for. No, it took more than just my hands. I needed my toes too. This trip was going to be a nightmare!

As I was busy wallowing in my own pity, suddenly there was a familiar light from outside. If I hadn’t seen it before, I wouldn’t have recognized it. But, it had the same color and brightness as her magic.

In response, I sat up and leaned over to look through the open doorway. There she was, twenty paces down the front path, standing in place with her eyes closed, hands clasped, and her hair blowing about wildly. The light was enough to illuminate the whole vegetable garden. The sound of wind was soft, but clear even at this distance.

I stared as she blasted her magic out for no perceptible reason. What was she doing? What did this accomplish? And she did this every single night? Wasn’t magic power precious?

In contrast to her display this afternoon, the effect didn’t disappear again after a single blink. Instead, it went on and on and on. In fact, I could see moths and bugs gathering around the false moonlight and trying to land on the egg’s surface, but failing. From that, I deduced that although it was visible, it had no form or substance.

Suddenly, the light ended. In the sudden darkness, I was blind. For a long moment, I couldn’t even see the starlight leaking through the doorway. But, over time, my eyes adjusted as I strained to discern anything at all.

Euphemism was standing there in the opening, looking down at me. Her eyes weren’t angry, but her lips were pursed and she held up a finger to her mouth, signaling for me to remain silent. After that, she crawled quietly back into her own pile of straw and laid down.

I waited, but nothing happened.

Eventually, I could hear her breaths slowing as well. I supposed she went right back to sleep just that easily? It wasn’t fair!

At some point, I laid back down and tried to get comfortable.

I couldn’t sleep. My mind was racing. I had a lot to think about, but I had no idea where to start.

I started to plan out my return trip. There were surely strategies and plans that could make it all easier. I started to count out a few ideas on my fingers before I drifted off to dreamland.