Elegy for a Star

“Later we’re going to have to talk about the sorcerous shit you just pulled. But first, I have to ask: Why are you here?” Miren inquired, “You didn’t exactly expect Mairaela to be here, asking to be fucked, so what was the reason in the first place?” Miren was still naked, her back propped up against the headboard while she had one leg bent, knee toward the ceiling, while the other leg was crossed beneath it. Her arm rested lazily atop her knee.

Mairaela had long since passed out on the floor, but Tess had covered her with a blanket.

It was a little distracting to have Miren’s sex plainly visible to her, still wet and pink, but Tess felt so drained already. Still, due to her advancement from Wydwen, she felt like she’d be ready to go again in moments.

“Oh,” Tess blurted, as though she’d forgotten, “Right, I wanted to talk to you about something a little sensitive.” Her eyes fell on Mairaela a bit, and Tess twisted her lips in uncertainty.

“Don’t mind her,” Miren spoke softly, “She’s out cold. After that fucking you gave her, I’d be surprised if she woke up for dinner, let alone be able to walk to get it.”

Tess chuckled, her cheeks turning a little red. Tucking some hair behind her ear, Tess said, “Well, I came here to talk to you about what happened with Joyona.”

“Why did I have a feeling that was it?” Miren sighed, “Look, I get it. I fucked up, irreparably. Only reason I’m not dead is because Joyona’s as dense as a rock when it comes to the way the world works.”

“Why do you keep saying things like that about Joyona?” Tess asked.

Miren let out a sigh, straightening her legs and crossing them at the ankles, “I don’t know.”

Tess was silent for a moment. Miren’s response was full of hesitation.

The Winter Fey only needed a little bit of time to parse it out, “She forgave me so easily, like I stepped on her foot. I deserve so much worse. I’m outraged that she didn’t just kill me then and there.” She tightened her lips together, rubbing her brow with a slim hand.

Frowning, Tess spoke softly, “That would’ve been easy for you, Miren. Forgiveness, building yourself back up, self-reflection. Those are the more difficult things.”

Miren turned her gaze toward Mairaela, pursing her lips and nodding her head, “Yeah.” She chuckled and added, “I suppose the Winter Court remains efficient by taking the path of least resistance. If we have a problem, we kill it. There is no forgiveness.”

“Do you ever miss it?” Tess asked.

There was a nod of her head, some white hair coming loose from its place behind her pointed ears. Tess found that she looked cute when she was being honest—when she was a little bit vulnerable. “I do,” Miren replied, “I don’t miss the people, but I miss the place. The cities. The mountains. The expanse of white, fluffy snow. Gods, it is a beautiful place. I wish I could bring Aku there.” She smiled softly, “He would love it. I can picture him running through the snow.”

“I’m looking forward to meeting him,” Tess said with a soft smile, “He sounds nice.”

“He isn’t,” Miren chuckled, shaking her head, “Not to people he doesn’t know. But you’ll grow on him, I’m sure.” She looked up at the ceiling, “He likes people that I like.”

Tess was happy to hear that. She hadn’t known what Miren thought of her. Mairaela would certainly say that it was some Froster trick, now that she wasn’t drunk on sex, but Tess had decided to take Miren’s words at face value. If she wanted to lie, then fine, but there was no way to be her teammate without an attempt from both sides to build trust.

At least, that’s the excuse that Tess made for herself. Suspicion and doubt were exhausting to keep up with.

“On that note,” Tess said with a quiet and hesitant voice, “I wanted to talk to you about forgiving you.” It felt awkward to talk to Miren about this, face-to-face, but what was the alternative? A letter? Waiting for a response sounded like a nightmare, and Miren would probably just approach her about it anyway.

“Alright,” Miren said, drawing her knees up and hugging her legs. Was she uncomfortable? Was she worried? Miren was becoming less and less like a construct every day.

“I think I can forgive you,” Tess said softly, “Eventually. Soon, even.” Tess rubbed her ear a little bit, feeling that nervousness wash over her, “Joyona did. Mairaela might. I don’t know if Gwen ever will, though.”

Miren nodded her head, “She doesn’t have to. I mean, she shouldn’t. None of you should.” Miren seemed to go back to that dark mindset for a moment. The vulnerability was gone, “Maybe follow Gwen’s example, Tess. It’s better that way.”

Tess opened her mouth to speak, but Miren continued.

“You know why I’m living in the dormitory all of the way out here?” Miren asked.

“Because you’re a Winter Fey?”

“Because I requested it,” Miren replied, “I wanted to get the fuck away from people, because nothing ever good happens when I engage socially. Either I hurt them or they hurt me. Only reason I can stand Ellywick is ‘cause she forgets she has a next door neighbor every morning.”

“Yeah, but,” Tess grimaced a little bit, raising a turned up hand and providing another option, “It doesn’t have to be that way, does it? You can act more like-...”

“You? Like everyone else? Tess, I have lived over a century and I have known only the way of the Winter Court. I am who I am,” Miren barked, jabbing a finger into the bed, “I may not like the Winter Court, but I am not ashamed of what I’ve learned there. Who I was shaped to be. It has kept me alive much longer than most.” Tess was certain that this was a point that Miren had thought about often. Had she been given the same advice before? How many times?

“But Joyona would’ve killed you. You said so yourself.”

“Only if I was caught, and admitting my crime to Mairaela was the one time I strayed from the Court’s behaviors,” Miren sighed, “Which is what would’ve gotten me killed. Had I remained quiet, no one would have known, would they?”

Tess paused for a moment. She tried to wash away the logic that Miren was feeding her. She knew that companionship, allies and someone to watch your back was just as useful to keep you alive as living a life of secrecy, sabotage and isolation, but she couldn’t say it. Miren wouldn’t listen to that anyway.

“I don’t believe you want to be by yourself,” Tess replied.

Miren rolled her eyes, “When have I given you the idea that I don’t want that?”

“You helped me at the post,” Tess replied readily.

“I was only sizing you up as an enemy.”

You got us points to go into the Void,” Tess added.

“I had to get you there to kill you and live with Aku.”

Tess sighed, thinking, “All those times we spoke?”

“Building rapport and gaining your trust so that you wouldn’t suspect what I was up to.”

Tess shook her head and raised her voice, “You are not an evil person, Miren. I know you aren’t. We can get along as a team. We can all work together.”

“Name one instance that gave you the idea that I was your friend, or a good person, that wasn’t a deception, Tess,” Miren said with a confident tone.

“Alright,” Tess nodded, “How about…”

Nothing came to her, though. She could only frown. She stayed quiet.

“Exactly,” Miren said, slapping her thigh, “I’m a Winter Fey, Tess, and we are not known for befriending people. We are known for using people. As much as I defended myself against Mairaela’s accusations, she was not wrong, but you still ate up every word I said.” Miren began to look angry, raising her voice and building more of a growl in her throat, “You just wanted to see the good in everyone. You are so fucking naive!”

Feeling uncomfortable, Tess rose from her seat. She looked at Mairaela, wanting to take her out, but knowing that she wouldn’t be able to lift her, and Mairaela may not be able to walk. She didn’t think that she was in any trouble around Miren anyway. Miren was just angry; She didn’t mean it.

Tess went to the door and opened it before an idea came to her.

“You didn’t turn us in,” Tess added quietly.

“What?” Miren asked.

“You could’ve said everything about what I did in the Void to the Captain, to anyone. We would’ve been arrested for keeping something this big a secret, and you would’ve gotten away completely free.” Tess let out a bit of a sigh, “It would’ve protected you, kept you safe from any claim we made about you. Joyona was alive and well, so how could we prove that you killed her? You could’ve protected yourself from anything we could ever hold over you, but you didn’t. How do you explain that one?”

“I…” Miren started, unable to finish. She seemed surprised by her own actions, as if realizing it for the first time.

“It didn’t even dawn on you,” Tess said as she stepped through the doorway, “I think that means something.”