Elegy for a Star

Miren sat against the wall, looking down at her hands. She was focusing on them and nothing else. She rubbed her fingertips to her thumbs, examined the lines of her palms, watched the muscles move as she stretched and squeezed with her fingers.

It’d been an hour or so since Tess’ return as whatever that starlit creature was, and Joyona’s resurrection. Miren was relieved beyond belief that her crime had been undone. There was some minor relief that Joyona was able to resummon her armor as though nothing had ever gone awry. However, the weight of guilt that was pressing down upon her shoulders didn’t lift. If anything, she only felt more and more guilty as she watched Joyona and Mairaela talk to one another. The aloof giant had been confused but indifferent about what she’d experienced. Miren wondered if she could even remember the attack against her. The way she was stabbed from behind. The way Aku mangled her.

Aku. Miren missed him more than she could imagine. She was in the Void and still couldn’t see him because of this damn, restraining tower. If only she could go back into a Trial and visit him. Maybe if she begged, the group would let her remain here as they closed the pocket. Maybe she could spend some time with Aku in their last moments together.

Everyone had someone. Gwen and Tess were hugging, kissing, discussing their Trials and comforting one another. There were tears of elation and tears of misery, but even for the latter they had someone to kiss them away.

Mairaela and Joyona were in a similar situation, even if it was a little less intimate. They were grateful to see one another, and Mairaela kept hugging Joyona and giving her repeated pecks on the cheek with her lips, even if Joyona didn’t seem comfortable returning the favor as of yet. The Evigkin was so shy and sweet. How could Miren have done what she did? How could she?

Miren didn’t even have Aku right now. Even if she did, even if everything went well for the entire group, Miren would lose him the moment she returned to Kravana. The way that they were taught in class about how to assault the Void, it was get in, get out, as quickly as possible. They didn’t know about Miren’s circumstance, though. They didn’t know that her time in the Void was the only time she was truly happy.

Instead of that pain upon herself, Miren embraced viciousness to others. She became the exact person that Mairaela insisted she was. She was in this predicament because everyone believed she was evil for her heritage, but she put on their image of her like one would a gown.

And it fit perfectly.

Miren was shoved out of her musing when she saw plated boots approach her out of the corner of her vision. It was Joyona. Miren had been dreading this moment; this conversation. She knew it was coming. She knew it was an inevitability. Still, she wished that she could skip to the part where it was over. She felt bad enough. She didn’t need to feel worse.

She didn’t look up. She couldn’t. Meeting Joyona’s gaze would be too painful, and she was done with trying to be the proud Winter Fey that she’d been pretending to be.

Gods, she just wanted to see Aku.

Joyona took a seat beside her. Sitting side by side, Miren’s head reached just below Joyona’s elbow. Miren was sitting cross legged, head hanging to look in her own lap, but Joyona sat hugging her knees to her chest.

Miren wanted to say sorry, but how stupid would that be? Sorry for killing you, Joyona, she thought, won’t happen again.

She rolled her eyes at herself. Gods, she thought, I hope she didn’t see that.

“Miren.” Joyona said in that dull, bored voice of hers.

She couldn’t look up at her, so instead she just asked, “Yes?” What else could she have said? How are you? How is your day going?

Joyona shuffled her feet, shifting her grip upon her knees. She let out a sigh, “I think we should talk.”

Miren nodded her head. The words she wanted to say were choking her, and she couldn’t muster the strength to speak.

“Mairaela told me how you explained it,” Joyona said, looking dead ahead, which Miren was grateful for. She felt far too judged with the Evigkin’s eyes upon her.

Miren nodded again. She felt numb. She felt like she was going to vomit.

“Are we good?” Joyona asked.

Miren’s mind swirled with confusion. She looked up and turned to look at Joyona, who turned to meet her gaze. “What?” Miren asked.

Joyona’s expression didn’t change from that aloof look, “Are we good?”

“Good?” Miren almost spat the word, given her surprise, “What do you mean ‘good?’”

“I mean are we still teammates?” Joyona asked softly.

Miren was dumbfounded. This was some trick. She looked to see if Mairaela or the others were listening in, but the three of them were all off on their own conversation. This couldn’t be real. Joyona must be playing her. There must be something to gain from this… this ploy.

Then it occurred to her. Joyona was genuine; Joyona wasn’t her.

“I don’t think so,” Miren said, wide-eyed and looking up at the half-giant, “Why would we be?” Miren scoffed, shaking her head.

“What? Because you tried to kill me?” Joyona asked.

Miren shook her head once more, this time in disbelief, “Because I did kill you. I was successful and you were very dead, until-... until whatever happened to bring you back.”

“It turned out fine,” Joyona replied, looking straight ahead once more.

Running a hand down her face, Miren explained, “That’s not the point, you oaf.” Joyona is supposed to hate her. Joyona was supposed to want to smash her face in, and gods know the Evigkin could, even if all of the others tried to stop her, “I killed you.” She rose to her feet, pointing at Joyona accusingly, “I killed you, you dim-witted moron. You would be dead if not for-... for-...” She wasn’t able to come up with the words, “You should be dead! I killed you! You should be angry!” She was screaming now, “You should be hitting me! You should be killing me! You have that chance now, so take it!”

Joyona shook her head, “I don’t want to.”

“Why not?” Miren asked, her anger breaking against the rocks, “Joyona, I-... Why are you doing this?”

Joyona remained sitting, but looked at Miren as though the answer was obvious. She pointed toward the other party members, who had their attention on the pair of them after Miren started yelling, “Mairaela killed Tess. Tess killed Mairaela. Gwen tried to kill Admaris.” Joyona looked back at her and shrugged, “I’m surrounded by killers. Just this time I was the target. If anything, it’s sort of an initiation into the group by now, isn’t it? Before you tried to kill me, you were a bit too goody-goody for the group.”

“I did kill you,” Miren corrected.

“Yet here I am,” Joyona said with a slow nod, “So next time you’ll have to try harder.”

That caused Miren to crack a smile, which she hated. She hated succumbing to Joyona’s charm. She hated finding humor in this, making light of her crime, passing it off like nothing happened. It wasn’t acceptable. It wasn’t okay. In the Court she’d be hanged, drawn and quartered, or slowly withered away in the pits. She deserved all three.

“Look,” Joyona said, interrupting her thought process, “Punish yourself all you want, but that sounds like a lot of work that I don’t want to carry. Hate is exhausting.”

“I can’t-...”

“You know what we do at the Cairn when someone breaks clan rules?” Joyona asked.

Miren shook her head, her anger deflating and giving way for a tired tone, “Your point must be that you don’t kill them. So you kick them out?”

Joyona shook her head, “Not unless they want to leave. If they want to stay, we give them a chance to learn from their actions and redeem themself.”

“What if they don’t?” Miren asked.

Shrugging, Joyona replied, “Then they don’t, but that’s on them.”

“So they just get away with it? Some heinous crime and there’s a slap on the wrist?

“Not even a slap on the wrist, really,” Joyona explained, “I mean, sure, people are going to be hurt. They will treat that person differently, may say some cruel things. But what would it help to kill someone for killing another?”

Miren felt weak, so she took a seat beside Joyona once again, planting her head in her hands.

“We build our communities to prevent this sort of behavior, but of course it still happens,” Joyona added, rocking back and forth a little bit, “But especially if the person feels guilty and wants to make amends? Yeah, we give ‘em a chance to pay it back to the group.” Joyona looked over to Miren and said, “And you look like you’re feelin’ pretty guilty.”

The Winter Fey opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came to her. What was there to possibly say to this?

Thankfully, Joyona filled in the silence, “Plus, I never got to pet your wolf. He looked soft.”

“Gwen still wants to kill me and Mairaela is going to turn me in. Gods know what Tess wants,” Miren explained.

Joyona nodded, “That’s just Gwen. I already talked to Mairaela about it. You’re good to go. Just try to think of ways to pay it back to the group. But don’t kill yourself over it. You already tried to kill me.”

“I did kill you,” Miren corrected.

“Uh huh,” Joyona said dubiously, rising to her feet.

“Seriously,” Miren insisted, “I did!”

“Sure, Miren,” Joyona responded.

“You were dead!”

“I was faking.”

“Joyona!”