Elegy for a Star

“You’re kidding,” Mairaela said. She felt fear squeezing her heart.

Miren shook her head, “I cannot ‘kid’ right now, Mairaela. I killed Joyona.”

Mairaela’s eyes were wide. Her hands shook, “You lied about having to tell the truth. Your task is something different! We have to do something else, right? You’re-... you’re just making all of this up. That’s what Winter Fey do. You lie and-...”

“I’m not lying,” Miren replied, squeezing her eyes shut and gritting her teeth, “I killed Joyona.”

“Stop saying that,” Mairaela demanded, though she had to bring a hand up to her forehead. She felt dizzy. She felt weak. She fell down to her knees, hands in her lap. “This isn’t funny,” Mairaela said softly.

She knew it wasn’t a joke, but she had trouble admitting it. The realization hadn’t dawned on her just yet. Confirmation that Joyona was dead was all that went through Mairaela’s mind. That her teammate betrayed and killed her was not quite processing just yet.

Miren said softly, “I’m sorry.”

“She’s dead?”

“Yes. She is dead. Her armor was pried apart. Her-...” Miren’s face contorted, trying to hold in the truth, but she gasped out, “Her head was-...”

“Stop,” Mairaela snapped, “Don’t tell me.”

“It was your Trial,” Mairaela spoke gently, “It was either you or her and she wouldn’t have-... she would’ve let you win. She wouldn’t hurt you. I understand.” She felt tears running down her cheeks, “I can’t-... I can’t blame you. I blame Wydwen. I’ll-... I’m going to kill him, Miren. He did this, didn’t he? He did this.”

“He didn’t do this,” Miri replied, lip quivering.

Mairaela was realizing the truth, but she refused to admit it, “What do you mean?”

“I did it,” Miren continued, “I killed her. We were at the end of our Trial and I killed her.”

Mairaela’s lips were pulling back and her teeth were showing, whether from rage or deep misery, she did not know.

“Why?” Mairaela managed to choke out.

Miren was panting, exhausted from trying to resist the Trial’s effects, “I have a friend. His name is Aku. He is my gift.”  Miren gulped, her eyes welling with tears, “He is all that I care about. My gift-... we are bound together.

“But he only exists when I’m in the Void,” Miren added, “Being without him is painful. So we’ve tried finding a place to live. A pocket that would suit us to live out our days as souls, together. This pocket has plenty to explore beyond its tower. The strength of the Trials means infinite possibilities Mairaela. We could have an endless life together.”

“What is your gift?” Mairaela asked, her sorrow turning to anger at a dangerous pace.

Miren croaked, “Companionship.”

Mairaela gathered her legs underneath her and pulled herself up to her feet, “Companionship. Now that is a joke.”

Miren was hanging her head, but nodded even still, “You’re going to kill me.”

“I am,” Mairaela confirmed, “And I will still be less of a monster than you are. Only Joyona will be mourned once the others learn about what you did.” Mairaela pulled the bow from her shoulders, testing it in her grip.

“Let me go back,” Miren pleaded, “You can let the Corps try and execute me. Nothing left to be on your conscience.”

“Are you saying this because you want an opportunity to escape?” Mairaela asked.

“Yes,” Miren squeezed from her throat, giving a desperate groan afterward.

“No,” Mairaela said, “I’m going to enjoy this. I’ll sleep soundly knowing that I avenged her. I’m not giving you the opportunity to escape… or worse, to kill again.” Mairaela was fuming, “And I have an hour to do it.”

Miren nodded her head in understanding, looking up at Mairaela with those serious, pink eyes.

“Did you enjoy it?” Mairaela asked, drawing her bow and steadying it as a beam of light formed upon the string, ready to be loosed into Miren’s chest, “Did you enjoy killing Joyona?”

“No,” Miren answered.

“Tell me how you feel about it,” Mairaela demanded, “Tell me how you felt right after you did it. After you murdered her.”

“The moment it was done, I was torn apart. I couldn’t breathe. I felt sick. I hated myself,” Miren whimpered, eyes squeezing shut as she struggled. She struggled not to hide the truth, but with her own conscience.

“What did you do about it?”

“Nothing. Aku comforted me, but I couldn’t do anything by that point. Mairaela, please. It happened too fast, the moment I realized what I was capable of doing, I regretted everything. Mairaela, I made sure she wasn’t suffering,” Miren responded, “I was just desperate for a life where I didn’t have to see my best friend erased each time I had to return to Auwra.”

“Do you think I should spare you?” Mairaela insisted, drawing her bowstring tight.

Miren seemed to think about this one, as though the truth itself was conflicted. Eventually she replied, “No. I think you should kill me for what I did. I deserve to die.”

“So I’m doing three favors. One for Joyona, one for you and one for me,” Mairaela replied. “I don’t see a reason not to end you here and now.”

Miren nodded her head, looking up at Mairaela, “I understand.”

Mairaela felt the bowstring nearly pull from her fingers, but she stopped. There, in the chair, she saw Tess. She was in the same state as when Mairaela had her against the wall in the Void Exercise; as when Mairaela tried to kill her. The same state as when Mairaela did kill her, were it not for Miri’s intervention. The Tess she saw now was looking directly at her, tearful and afraid. Mairaela had relived this moment both in her guilty thoughts and her dreams. Everytime she would shoot Tess as easily as she had when it happened in the first place. It haunted her.

Mairaela blinked and it was Miren in the chair once again. The Winter Fey was afraid but ready to embrace her end. It was completely different from Tess, who begged and cried. This was easier, right? Mairaela’s hands shook. She was angry, wasn’t she? Her hands were shaking with rage, weren’t they?

“Why is Aku so important to you?” Mairaela asked. Immediately she regretted the question. She needed to stop asking. She needed to just act. She needed to end Miren for what she did. The more she heard, the more she would hesitate.

Miren’s eyes looked from Mairaela to the bow and back to Mairaela. She didn’t seem to understand why she was being asked another question.

“Tell me. You have to speak the truth, so tell me,” Mairaela’s voice shook, “Why did you want this so badly that you betray everything for it? That you would kill a friend for it?”

“She wasn’t my friend,” Miren replied matter-of-factly, “None of you are my friends.” She sat back in the chair, her feet fidgeting, “The only one of you that didn't judge me immediately was Tess. When we first met, you were screaming at me. Joyona even said herself: I don't know any of you. I was only trying to help her and she blew me off. Gwendolyn would kill me the second she had cause, without a hint of hesitation or remorse."

"I don't know if that's-..."

"It's true," Miren assured her, "Without hesitation." The Winter Fey gave a shrug and looked off to the side, avoiding eye contact, "I did it for that reason. I don’t have anyone, Mairaela. I’ve never had anyone until I had Aku. And I have to go months without him, only to see him for such a brief time. I've only had an hour with him at most so far, and if this was my last Trial, I may not see him again until my next venture into the Void. Which now, is likely to be never.”

“You weren't alone. You had family.”

“Family,” Miren started with a grunt, “Family is a different thing in the Winter Court.” The Winter Fey ground her teeth, muttering through the, “Family will manipulate you. Family will sell your future for profit. Family would kill you for power, eventually.”

Mairaela then asked, “How old are you, Miren?”

“One-hundred-four, next Brezen,” Miren sighed.

Mairaela shook her head, “So you’ve had friends. I’m forty-seven and I’ve had more than I can count. You expect me to believe you?”

“I can’t tell you a lie, remember?”

That truth dawned on Mairaela. She relaxed the bow for a moment. “Have you ever had a friend,” Mairaela asked, “Miren? Have you?”

“Two besides Aku,” Miren replied with a nod, “Two men. One I called Selatar and the other was Relorius. Sel and Rel.”

Mairaela nodded, pulling back on her bow once more, “So it’s bullshit. You had a bad family but that doesn’t mean you’ve been completely alone all of your life.”

“I knew Sel and Rel for all of two years,” Miren nodded in agreement with Mairaela’s statement, “And those were good years. I had companionship for once.”

“How old were you?” Mairaela asked.

Miren thought for a moment, “Somewhere in my thirties.”

“Why did you abandon them in the Winter Court?”

“Because they were long dead by that point,” Miren nodded, “One house was making a move for a particular plot of land owned by another. Sel was told to kill Rel as part of a plan to force Rel’s family to make a deal.”

Tears were forming in Miren’s eyes. The thought that the Winter Fey went through so much and was forced to go without crying, but here she was, tears beginning to run down her cheeks.

“And he did it,” Mairaela finished, “Why? You were friends.”

“We’re Winter Fey, Mairaela,” Miren replied, looking down at her feet, “That’s what we do, right?" Miren looked at her with a dull expression, "Isn't that what they say? We're all manipulative, deceitful murderers?" Miren gritted her teeth, drawing her legs in as tightly as she could. She looked like she was in physical pain, "All of us, every last one the same. That's how everyone viewed me before hearing a word from me. Might as well live up to their fucking expectations. Sel was scapegoated and executed by his family not too long after that, anyway, so even if we are bastards we won't live long without being bastards ourselves.

"So I did it because I had to. It was my only option. You think I wanted to hurt Joyona? Hurt any of you? Of course not. If I had another way, if I could've gotten into the Void by myself, I would have, but they refused to allow me without a team. I tried alternatives, but this was my only realistic option."

Mairaela felt guilt in her chest, but it couldn't overcome her sense of betrayal and anger. There was no justification, “And Aku?”

“The first person I could trust,” Miren replied, “The first person who liked me for me and didn't judge me by sight alone. He truly likes me as a person, as a friend. He is my companion. My true companion. And I am the same for him. He's wandered the Black Sun aimlessly until we found one another,” Miren looked around, “I wish I could see him one more time. Have you felt a connection like that, Mairaela? Someone you'd kill for?”

Mormerilon was first to come to mind. If she had to kill Miren to get him back for good...

For a moment, Mairaela wanted to pity Miren. She wanted to sympathize with her, but images of Joyona’s face flashed through her mind. Her occasional smile. The way she carried Wydwen around and pet him. The way she looked when she and Mairaela agreed to go to the Corpsman's Ball together.

“So you had a lonely life,” Mairaela said, lips twitching, “It doesn’t excuse murder, Miren. Joyona wouldn’t have hurt you even if her life was on the line. You were on her team. She would’ve died to protect you.”

“I know,” Miren said sadly, her lips pulling apart in a deep frown, “She nearly did in that very same Trial.”

Mairaela pulled back on the bowstring until it was taut, “Miren, I’m sorry that life was a bitch to you, but you murdered my friend, and I’m going to kill you for it.”

Miren nodded her head, “I know.”

The string was biting into Mairaela’s fingertips.

“Mai-Mai.”

Immediately Mairaela knew who had spoken. She didn’t release the arrow, didn’t relax her arm. She just felt Mormerilon's warm touch on her shoulder. She could feel the bowstring biting into her fingertips, but she didn't let go. Certainly he was there to tell her to take the righteous path.

“Choose,” Mormerilon’s voice whispered into her ear, “Choose one or the other, but don’t just stand here. Make a choice.”

Wasn’t he supposed to tell her to spare Miren? To take the high road? That’s the heroic thing, right?

No, fuck heroics.

“Choose," Mormerilon repeated, "Does her story end here or not?"

With a scream of rage, Mairaela let her arrow fly. The strength of it was such that it pierced Miren’s forehead, through the back of her head and dug itself halfway into the ground several feet behind the chair.

The air rippled with magic between Mairaela’s shot and the ground in which her arrow landed. Ghostly wisps floated in the air above the arrow’s trail. They floated above where they pierced Miren’s head.

The ghostly arrow faded from sight. Miren blinked her eyes looking around herself, “What-..”

“Fuck you, Miren,” Mairaela spoke through her teeth, tears working their way down her cheeks.

There was no wound through Miren’s skull, the astral arrow having moved through it harmlessly. Miren looked shocked.

“Why?”

Mairaela replied, “It’s too easy. You’re going to live with this. You’ll live with it for centuries.”

“I’m proud of you,” Mormerilon’s voice echoed once again.

“Proud,” Mairaela spoke to herself, catching a strange look from Miren, “I’m not proud. I’m pissed off.”

The ghostly arrow did its job, however. It had caught a memory of Miren’s and given it to Mairaela. The memory of where her second Trial took place. A grassy, rocky plain surrounded by torrential winds. Mairaela held the image in her mind. Lifting her bow toward the side, she drew back. She could feel Mormerilon's strength around her, pulling back upon the bow with her. She blinked tears from her eyes as she fired her bow.

The arrow flew a few meters before catching something unseeable, impalpable. It struck space itself, pulling it with the arrow’s trajectory. It warped it. Twisted it. Bent it. By the time the arrow burst through, Mairaela could see images on the other side of a portal or gate. A grassy, rocky plain surrounded by torrential winds.

“How did you do that?” Miren spoke below her breath, unable to muster the strength to hide her awe, “What are you doing, Mairaela? You need to be here. You need to finish your Trial or you'll die.”

“My Trial said to do what I wish,” Mairaela said with a measure of hope in her voice, “And what I wish is to save Joyona. Her armor heals her and you never saw a lost soul. She may still be alive, Miren. Trapped in the Trial because you left her there.”

“Mairaela…” Miren started, "I-..."

“Quiet, Miren,” the Summer Fey growled, “You’ve done plenty already. So spare me your bitching.”

Miren, for once, listened to Mairaela and stopped talking.

Mairaela stepped through the portal and entered into the plane of Miren and Joyona’s second Trial. The winds were mostly mild except for the occasional powerful gust that broke free from the circular pattern and swept across the hill. Mairaela looked about, trying to search for Joyona, but found nothing. Not a body, but not a healthy giant either.

“Mairaela?”

The Summer Fey turned, but it was Mormerilon. He was standing beside a large rock, pointing behind it where Mairaela couldn’t see.

The archer charged toward the rock, asking, “Is she okay?!”

She climbed up the stone. Pieces of armor were scattered everywhere, but she found Joyona. Unfortunately, all that was left of her was a golden, bright sphere, emitting a yellow steam.

“No…”

It was Joyona’s lost soul.