Dungeons Are Bad Business

Vee stared down into the depths of the scrying crystal on the table in front of him and cursed. Grabbing the dials on the object’s base, the [Dungeon Master] fiddled and fumbled with it a little bit, trying to make the smoke inside the gem vanish so that he could contact the union of [Dungeon Masters]. Normally, he could simply use Dheart to get in touch with them, but at the moment…getting close to Dheart – let alone messing with it – didn’t seem like a very good idea.

For a moment he thought he’d managed to get the crystal to work, because the smoke seemed to grow thin, but then it returned with a vengeance and Vee felt like he was looking straight into a campfire. He swore again. How he hated scrying crystals! They were so inconsistent! The only people who could consistently make them work were [Seers], [Mystics], and inexplicably, [Swindlers].

Maybe there was something to think about, there.

“Gah! I think it’s broken,” he said petulantly as he quit fiddling with the knobs and threw his hands up in frustration. “Did you hear me? Your crystal is broken, Hanako.”

Next to him, Hanako Maluw – his intern and the dungeon’s de facto [Enchantress] – rolled her eyes as she looked up from her engraving manual and stared at him. “No, it’s not. The crystal works fine. I just used it a few days ago. You just have to tune it properly. How are you having such a hard time? I thought you said you’ve used a scrying crystal before.”

“I have, but it’s been a while,” Vee admitted. “The ones we had back home are way less temperamental. They were, uh, Strussmen’s, I think. Only had one dial.”

“Uh-huh. I bet. Strussmen’s are the most expensive crystals on the continent, Vee. You wouldn’t be here if you even knew anyone who could afford those. Ugh, you’re helpless. Move out of the way, I’ll tune it for you,” Hanako said as she leaned forward. With expert precision, the teenager adjusted the knobs quickly, causing the smoke inside the scrying crystal to vanish completely. As the last tendrils faded away, she looked over at Vee with a smug smile. “See? I told you! It works fine. If you know what you’re doing, that is.”

Scowling, Vee made a mental note to find some menial chore to give Hanako later as she returned to her studies. Checking the reference at the back of the guidebook he’d gotten when he first opened Crestheart, he carefully input the public scrying address for the Union of [Dungeon Masters] into the crystal’s panel. From there, he waded through the labyrinthian assembly of menus and underlings that prevented him from talking to someone who could tell him how long Dheart was going to be vomiting purple spiders into the dungeon’s walls and floors.

So far, that particularly horrifying process had been happening for more than a day, and the dungeon heart showed no signs of slowing down. If anything, there were more spiders coming out with each burp. They moved without rhyme or reason, dancing a few inches in one direction before stiffening and diving into the floor, contact with solid surfaces apparently optional.

“No, no, dungeon heart help! No, no, no, YES!” Vee said as he reached what was hopefully the final menu.

“Does your question relate to normal dungeon operation, dungeon expansion, or dungeon reclassification?”

“Dungeon expansion!”

The crystal grew dim…and then stayed that way. After a few minutes, the union’s symbol flickered in the heart of the crystal before a popping sound reached Vee’s ears and the connection was cut off.

“You’ve got to be freaking kidding me!” Vee yelled as he angrily stamped the public scrying address into the crystal once more and waded through the entire mess for the second time. Thankfully, experience was indeed the best teacher, and he managed to get through it much faster.

A salamander man with bright eyes and green scales appeared in the heart of the crystal.

“Union of [Dungeon Masters] dungeon expansion troubleshooting department, my name is Uzeino, how may I help you?”

“Uh, hi there,” Vee said. “I have a question about the dungeon expansion process that I was hoping you could answer for me.”

The salamander smiled. “Of course. First time getting a dungeon expanded?”

Vee nodded.

“Makes sense. You have the look of a first-timer. But have no fear, the union takes matters like this one seriously and I’m happy to help. What’s your issue?”

Vee explained the situation and the man chuckled when he finished.

“I know they’re creepy looking, but those are just [Expansion Crawlers],” he said. “Totally normal. Well, relatively speaking anyway. They’re an old precaution all dungeon hearts use to ensure that the ground for the next floor is safe for building. How long has it been since your dungeon heart started the dungeon expansion process?”

“It’s been a little more than a day so far. But, just to reiterate: there’s no chance this is anything to worry about?”

“Nah, not at all. Once they finish their investigation, the crawlers will send out a signal and the dungeon heart will start using [Excavation Crawlers] to clear out the space in accordance with your specifications. If you didn’t give any, it’ll just be a big empty rectangular room. Now, just a heads up so you’re ready for when it happens, [Excavation Crawlers] will be a little bigger, and they should be bright green.”

Vee fought to keep himself from shivering. He didn’t much like spiders of any kind, and these were even creepier than normal.

“To be honest,” the salamander said, “you’re coming out pretty nicely. I’ve heard of some dungeons where the heart kept using [Expansion Crawlers] for two or three weeks, but those were in uh…densely…packed…places. I doubt you have anything like that to worry about where you are! However, if your dungeon heart hasn’t swapped to [Excavation Crawlers] in another day or so, though, go ahead and contact us again. I’m not expecting that to happen, but we’ll take another look, run some diagnostics, and do a few other things to make sure everything is running normally, alright?”

“Sure thing,” Vee said, relieved. “Thanks for your help, I appreciate it.”

“Of course. The union is always happy to be of service to its members. You have a good day now.”

Cutting the connection through the scrying crystal, Vee stared at Dheart and shuddered as the sea of purple spiders kept right on pouring into the floor.

[Faith +1]

Gawain’s balls! The next time the dungeon expanded, he was going to make sure that he was good and far away for the entire thing.

With nothing to do in Crestheart proper until Dheart finished the process of clearing the space for the new floor, Vee and Reginald decided to go visit Kai. Alforde, naturally, offered to help the [Dungeon Maintainers] with the expansion as necessary. His cape of snow and ice swished and swirled as he descended down the ladder to the fourth floor.

The streets leading to the menagerie weren’t particularly clear, but Vee managed to make it all the way over without tripping. Slowly but surely, he was getting better at walking through the snow, even with Reginald yattering in his ear the whole way.

Kai was just inside the warding hedges that kept all the minions safely inside with his helper, Dandelion. The fiend – a member of Vee’s Medium Section – was carrying a box filled with tiny slimes. Looking a bit like gelatinous eggs, they wiggled and wobbled inside the box. They didn’t have any colors yet; they were still too young.

Vee held up his hand and called out, and the bonsai treant looked up with sparkling eyes at the sound. He pointed his small, branchlike arms at the box Dandelion was holding and said, “Vee! Look! Pretzel made more slimes! Another batch of four! Isn’t that great?”

The [Dungeon Master] nodded. His royal slime was the sole bright spot in an otherwise dark sky when it came to Crestheart’s dwindling minion count. It was making more slimes every few days, and while not all of them survived –simple slimes were apparently more than a little cannibalistic in their first few days of life, though thankfully that behavior seemed to vanish after about a week or so – the herd was growing steadily. They weren’t quite to the point where they’d be able to sustain their own slime needs without outside purchases – such independence would probably require at least one more royal slime – but that day drew ever closer.

Unfortunately, the situation wasn’t as hopeful when it came to the skeletons. Vee looked around the menagerie, and saw only a single trio wandering around with their jaws clattering for reasons entirely unrelated to all the snow on the ground. He grit his teeth. The rest of their pitiful stocks were already inside the dungeon, where they’d probably all be destroyed within the next two or three days of business once the expansion was finished.

Another week of operations and he’d have nothing but empty rooms for adventurers to walk through. Maybe he should convert the dungeon into a museum or something.

[You have unlocked the Pessimistic Estimator class! Would you like to take it?]

Shaking his head, Vee dismissed the notification and glared up at the sky. The class suggestions had been cropping up a bit more again lately, though thankfully not nearly to the extent that they’d bothered him before coming to Oar’s Crest. Still, having any when he’d gotten quite used to being free from their presence was a little irritating.

He forced himself to focus on something else. “How are the slime experiments coming along, Kai?”

Sitting atop his barkbody, the treant shrugged. His near empty top branches shook as he did so. “Not a lot of progress so far, sadly. Here, let me show you what we’ve got.”

Vee followed the bonsai treant and his fiendish assistant over to the collection of hedge pends of varying sizes where they were testing different diet and other activity mixes on birthed slimes in an attempt to spawn another royal slime. Sadly, none of the quivering specimens in the pens seemed any different than normal. Vee didn’t see any bumps or growths that might eventually turn into crowns, and while slimes were far from the most expressive creatures on the continent, there weren’t any other signs that they were starting to transform, either.

“Maybe we should try a little ectoplasm too,” Reginald suggested. “Pretzel started changing while it was connected to one of your leashes, right boss?”

“That’s true,” Vee said, activating [Refine Ectoplasm]. Pulling the energy out of the air and forming it into a neat, orange cube didn’t take long, so Vee made a handful and set them down next to one of the hedge-enclosed pens.

“Try one every other day to start, and then increase it as you see fit,” he said. “If it seems to be having an effect, let me know and I’ll give you more. I’ve got tons of it that I don’t need back at the boarding house.”

He’d been making extra for the last two weeks, after adding the Expectation to his orchestra. However, the dragon-like spirit had yet to want any for upkeep, or ask for upkeep of any kind for that matter. It seemed content to simply sit on his shoulders, a weight that he was getting ever more used to bearing.

Vee wasn’t sure what it was waiting for, but with every day that passed without learning what the spirit wanted, his anxiety about the matter grew. The longer it took to call in a payment, the heftier that payment was likely going to be.

He hoped he’d be able to accommodate its request.

After spending some more time with Kai and looking at the rest of the pens and environments – which really did look good, despite all the snow – Vee returned to Crestheart. He descended through the existing floors and clambered down the ladder leading to the new space. The [Excavation Crawlers] were already making good progress. The room was wide and empty, about half the size of Crestheart’s other floors. Green ropes cascaded down from the ceiling along the walls.

Do walked up with a smile on its face.

“Hello, Master. It’s excellent to see you. Have you come to check on the progress of the expansion?”

Vee nodded.

“Wonderful. I expect that we should be ready for dungeon design and decoration by the middle of tomorrow. Mister Alforde has been most helpful with the connection process.”

The armorsoul was over in the corner, bent down and tying one of the green ropes into a node of the same color that was poking out of the floor. Alforde seemed familiar with the work, and he waved at Vee as the [Dungeon Master] walked around.

“What do you think, Vee?”

Vee smiled and nodded.

“It looks good. Once you guys get everything connected, are you going to start bringing down the stuff from the arena?”

“That’s the plan! How’s the design plan coming along?”

Vee shrugged. He hadn’t totally figured out the details for the new floor yet. In his defense, the entire dungeon probably needed another redesign to accommodate all the extra rooms it was going to have. It was hard to explain, but Vee was starting to sort of sense a flow to each floor and the dungeon as a whole, and he wanted to make sure everything worked together right.

Taking his notebook out of his pocket, Vee sat down in the dirt and started sketching.

This, at least, was a lot easier to do than writing poetry.

Main Character Sheets:

Vee Vales

Primary Class: Ghost Maestro (Locksmagister University), Level 28

Secondary Class: Dungeon Master (Oar’s Crest), Level 17

Tertiary Class: Guy-Who-Takes-Things-WAY-Too-Far (Self), Level 5

Might: 11

Wit: 31

Faith: 21 (+1)

Adventurousness: 7

Ambition: 13

Plotting: 15

Charisma: 12

Devious Mind: 20

Leadership: 15

Guts: 11

Intimidating Presence: 9

Citizenship: 20

Public Relations: 4

Alforde Armorsoul:

Primary Class: Hammer Afficionado (Self), Level 21

Secondary Class: Right-hand man (Vee Vales), Level 12

Tertiary Class: Dungeon Champion (Oar’s Crest), Level 14

Additional Class: Glaciernaut (Sacha Silverblade), Level 3

Might: 37 (+1)

Wit: 11

Faith: 25

Adventurousness (Bound – Vee Vales): 8

Endurance: 17 (+1)

Intimidating Presence: 13

Heart of a Champion: 7

Citizenship (Bound – Vee Vales): 8

Vigilance: 5

Reginald:

Primary Class: Core Spirit (Unknown), Level ???

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Secondary Class: Loudmouth (Self), Level 40

Tertiary Class: Majordomo (Vee Vales), Level 13

Additional Class: Announcer (Vee Vales), Level 6

Might: 1

Wit: 32

Faith: 10

Ambition: 26

Greed: 22

Deceptiveness: 27 (-1)

Manipulativeness: 35

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Loyalty: 45

Patience: 10

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Citizenship (Bound – Vee Vales): 7