Dungeons Are Bad Business

The interior of the council office was even more luxurious than the outside. Beautiful black marble covered the floor – and looked like it’d just been polished – and there were even more statues and pieces of art inside. Looking at some of the plaques hanging beneath a few pieces, Vee read a few of the names and biographies of the creators. Interestingly, he didn’t see a single artist from Oar’s Crest represented.

“Kind of a strange oversight,” he said as he walked past the last of the pieces on display. “Shouldn’t there be some local pieces? Surely there’s someone in Oar’s Crest with artistic talent.”

“Of course there are,” Reginald said with more than a little disdain in his voice. “The council just doesn’t care to go and find them. Nothing ever changes. They don’t care about anything that matters.”

“That’s a bit extreme, isn’t it? Sure, the council isn’t great, but there’s no way they’re that bad.”

Reginald muttered something Vee didn’t quite hear.

He looked up and tried to find the proper department for his permit. There were signs everywhere…but they weren’t terribly helpful. Was his request related to City Interior? City Exterior? Civic matters? Why wasn’t there simply a “permits and requests” office like there was back in Bardis?

“Any ideas?” he asked Reginald.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” the hat answered. “Got a coin? Might as well let Lady Luck decide, eh? Heads you go to interior, tails you go to Exterior.”

Vee rummaged around in his pocket and pulled out a bronze fleur. “Here goes nothing,” he said as he flipped the coin into the air and watched it spin.

Heads. Exterior it was then.

The City Exterior department was a small gray room with eight chairs arranged in two rows a few feet away from three large desks. A blue salamander worked at the first desk, a calico kittrekin at the second, and the third was empty. Vee was immediately uneasy. He didn’t like the room; it smelled too clean, and it was strangely soulless. Even without activating any of his [Ghost Maestro] skills, he could feel the lack of ectoplasm in the air. It wasn’t right, and Vee shuddered. He’d forgotten what ectoplasm-free spaces felt like.

Since there was nobody else in the room, he headed for the salamander [Clerk] since she was the closest, only to be met with a baleful glare when he drew close to her desk.

“Excuse me, do you have a number?”

Vee stopped in his tracks.

“A number? For what? There’s nobody else in here!”

The salamander pointed back at a box Vee hadn’t noticed before, which had a tiny scrap of paper sticking out of the slot.

“I’d be happy to assist you, but you need to take a number first and wait to be called. That’s the proper procedure.”

“Are you serious?”

“Absolutely,” the salamander said with a haughty expression as she returned to her paperwork.

Vee cursed under his breath and walked over to the box. He grabbed his slip of paper with more force than was probably necessary and made a dramatic show of sitting down to wait until he was called. When the salamander didn’t look up at him right away, he faked a cough and then cleared his throat.

Nothing. His antics garnered no response. He might as well have been yelling at a wall. How long are they going to make me wait?

Finally, after literally five minutes, a buzzer rang on the kittrekin’s desk, and she looked up at Vee, giving him a big, fake smile.

“Number eighteen? I can help you now.”

Fighting the urge to face palm, Vee walked to her desk and sat down.

“How can I help you?” the [Clerk] asked, obviously returning her attention to the documents in front of her.

“I was hoping to get a permit to open the Westown gate this coming Saturday,” Vee said. “My dungeon, Crestheart, is hosting a special celebration. It’s a street fair that we’re hoping will raise—”

“Wait, you’re looking for a gate permit?”

The kittrekin was staring at him now with a vaguely concerned expression, and Vee nodded slowly.

“I am. Is…there a problem with that?”

The kittrekin sighed like a mother whose child just tracked mud inside and said, “I’m sorry, but we don’t handle gate permits here; you’ll need to go to the City Interior office instead.”

Okay, that sucked but it made some sense. He thanked the [Clerk] and got up to leave. “Would you mind telling me where that is?”

“Sure thing,” the kittrekin said. “Just go out this door and over to the staircase. It’s up on the third floor.”

Vee thanked her and went on his way.

Following the [Clerk]’s directions and the bevy of signs, Vee found himself in front of a staircase so steep that ‘ladder’ was almost the more appropriate term.

“Why did it have to be stairs?” Vee grumbled. Cursing to Reginald, Vee dragged himself up to the third floor, his bag of bread bouncing around with every step.

“I’m amazed you’re still so bad at climbing them,” Reginald jeered. “You get all that practice at the boarding house and tower, and look at you, still huffing and puffing like that!”

“It’d be easier…to climb…if I wasn’t….wearing a stupid hat,” Vee mumbled.

“I doubt it. I’m light as a feather. Hush now, don’t waste your air trying to stutter into a witty comeback,” the hat said. “With how hard you’re breathing it sounds like you’ll need every last bit you can get to reach the top.”

Vee paused at the top for a while so as to catch his breath, then followed even more signs – why were there so many? – until he reached the appropriate door. Along the way, he looked inside the other rooms he passed, and saw that they were mostly empty. They were too small to be proper departments. Maybe they were private offices, or meeting rooms. Clearly, they didn’t get much use, if all the dust he saw inside was any indication.

What a uniquely terrible layout for a building. It’d make way more sense to have all the departments on the same floor, wouldn’t it?

The City Interior office was laid out exactly like the City Exterior office. Instead of gray, the walls and décor were brown. However, it was much smaller than the one downstairs, with only four seats for visitors and a single [Clerk]. He was a slight, bookish man, whose disheveled clothes didn’t properly fit him.

Vee took off his jacket. For some reason, the room’s heaters ran constantly, despite the fact that it already felt hot enough inside to fry an egg on the floor.

This wasn’t made any better by the fact that there were nine other people waiting to be seen and at least one of them hadn’t bathed in a few days.

Dutifully taking his number, Vee stood in line for the better part of an hour, until he was finally close enough to take a seat in one of the chairs. It was hard as a rock. Every time the next person was called, he moved up to the next chair, grimacing at how warm they always were when he sat down. Ugh.

Two more people came into the office while he was waiting. One snarled at the line and left, but the other shrugged and stood near the door. The [Dungeon Master] shook his head. Why was there only one [Clerk] in this office? The City Exterior office had three desks! Surely it’d make more sense to swap the Exterior and Interior offices, right? Why didn’t the council do so?

Because they don’t care.

Vee pondered this, furious at how poorly his tax fleurs were spent, and wondering when the next elections were. If they weren’t for a while, maybe he’d make a run himself! People seemed to like him well enough!

[Quest received: Join the city co—]

Before the quest could finish being given, Vee’s number was called, and the [Dungeon Master] pushed the matter to the absolute back of his mind, never to be thought of again.

[Scratch that.]

Vee scurried to the [Clerk]’s desk, praying that he’d soon be free to get the heck out of the council office. The lack of ectoplasm was really starting to make him feel unwell. His hands were trembling, and he was sweating in a way that had nothing to do with the oppressive heat. Wanting to make a good impression, Vee forced himself to smile as he sat down. From where he was, Vee could see that the [Clerk] looked exhausted, with dark rings under his eyes that made him look like a raccoon. Poor guy.

While the discussion started well, Vee’s last shreds of hope for a swift permit filing process died when the man shook his head and set his pen down on his desk. Closing his eyes, the [Clerk] rubbed his temples as if suffering a tension headache.

Giving Vee a look that said this isn’t much fun for me either, the man held up his hands.

“I’m really sorry about this, Mister Vales, but I’m afraid that I can’t help you get your permit. Though the gates are part of our official responsibilities, what you’re asking for is an Exterior Exemption Permit, since your event would require the gate to remain open for longer than two hours. Such a matter is a security concern, and those are handled through the Exterior office.”

Reginald piped up.

“Gawain’s balls, you’ve got to be fu—”

To the [Clerk]’s credit, he handled being cursed out by a talking top hat quite well. As a mark of his professionalism, he hurried to reassure Vee, adding, “The City Exterior office isn’t far. It’s right down the stairs you came up to get here, and will be the third door on your right once you reach the ground floor. The girls who work down there are great, I’m sure they’ll get you set up right away. For what it’s worth, I think a street fair sounds like a great idea. I’ll definitely bring my family by if the weather isn’t too bad.”

Vee simply leaned back in his chair. He looked dazed. It was an interior matter after all? But they’d sent him up here when he’d asked…and…and…

“Is there anything else I can help you with,” the [Clerk] asked, clearly hoping that Vee would get up to leave so that he could help the next person.

Vee blinked several times, as if just waking up, and nodded. A manic gleam filled in his eyes, and the [Clerk] recoiled at the sight.

“Why yes, there sure is something you can do for me,” Vee said as he pointed at the man’s pad of paper. “I’d like you to write the proper name of the permit for me, so that there aren’t any further misunderstandings.”

When Vee returned to the still-basically-empty interior office, he threw open the doors and stomped inside like a long-lost king returned to his throne.

“I need an Exterior Exemption Permit,” he hollered as he held up a handwritten note that he’d…procured from the [Clerk] upstairs and waggled it up and down. At Vee’s assertive request, the man had even signed it, so that the third time would in fact be the charm in getting the paperwork filed properly.

Naturally, the kittrekin [Clerk] who’d helped Vee earlier was on break, so he ended up back exactly where he’d started. Though the [Dungeon Master] was grinning, he wasn’t in the least bit happy, and his expression was just feral enough to deter the salamander [Clerk] from telling him to take another number as he bounced up to her desk.

“You know, it’s funny,” the salamander [Clerk] said as she gave Vee a stack of forms and helped him fill them out. “When you were talking to Clara earlier, I was wondering if you were looking for an Exterior exemption permit, since you mentioned it’d be an all-day event…boy that would have saved you some time, wouldn’t it?”

“Indeed,” Vee hissed through clenched teeth. “It really would have.”

The salamander snorted.

“My apologies. Go ahead and sign your name above field G8, Mister Vales.”

Somehow, Vee didn’t think that she was being sincere.

When he made it back to Crestheart Tower, Vee went up to drop off the treats. The Royal Slime, Pretzel, squiggled over to him and looked up at the bag expectantly. Already, the monster’s coloration was changing, with the clear goo of the rest of Vee’s ooze starting to take on a reddish hue.

Vee hoisted the bag up a little bit to get it away from the probing minion. “Now listen, you. There’s plenty of stuff in here, but you have to share it with the others, okay?”

Pretzel gurgled, and though it didn’t sound much different than any other noise the slime made, Vee got a distinctly sad impression from it.

“I’ll let you have yours first,” Vee said. Reaching into the bag, he drew out a double baked croissant and a doughnut with powdered sugar on it. Setting them down, he watched Pretzel crawl over the pastries and gobble them both up. The snacks were visible for a moment, and then vanished from sight. Not sure what else to do, Vee awkwardly tapped the slime’s crown and Pretzel preened like a cat.

“Good slime,” Vee said as he tossed the rest of the pastries and bread into the room and watched the ooze converge where they all landed. The happy noises of slimes enjoying sweets filled the air, and Vee happily watched them for a few minutes until the remnants of his foul mood vanished.

Back in the comforting climate of the tower, Vee didn’t mind climbing up the rest of the way to his office. Having all the ectoplasm around definitely made it easier for him to move around.

When he walked over to his desk, Vee saw that there was a lumpy bag over where he sat during the dungeon runs.

“Must be the crystals I asked Hanako to make,” Vee said to himself as he picked it up. Indeed, when he opened it, Vee saw that the girl had done exactly as he’d asked. There were red, blue, and yellow crystals packed inside. Storage crystals, perfect for tile traps.

Smiling, Vee took one out and examined it closely.

It was definitely on the amateurish side. The engravings were just a touch sloppy, as if Hanako had gotten bored during the project and stopped trying her best. Oh well. It’d still work fine.

The engravings weren’t the only subpar element. Red energy swirled around the crystal’s depths like it was supposed to, but it was spotty and uneven. Vee gently squeezed, and the crystal flared with heat. He dropped it before it could scorch his hands, and the light inside dimmed as it hit the table. A slight charred smell filled the air.

After waiting a bit to make sure it wasn’t still too hot to handle, Vee gingerly reached down and poked the crystal with his index finger. It was cold to the touch. When he squeezed it again, nothing happened. However, when he looked at the crystal again, he noticed a small crack running through the glyph that had hit the table.

Whoops. Looks like he’d dropped it too hard. Lesson learned.

He checked the rest of the bag. As he’d suspected, the quality improved as he got to the crystals on the bottom. However, Hanako definitely struggled with fire and lightning engravings. They were both poorly made when compared to the ice crystals.

Vee looked down at his map of the newest version of Crestheart. With Reginald’s help, he marked the tiles where the new traps would likely have the best effect, and waited for Alforde to finish training with Shadowforde for the day so that they could go back to Sculla’s.

He’d had a long day, and there was still plenty of work to do tomorrow.

Main Character Sheets:

Vee Vales:

Primary Class: Ghost Maestro (Locksmagister University), Level 23

Secondary Class: Dungeon Master (Oar’s Crest), Level 14

Tertiary Class: Guy-Who-Takes-Things-WAY-Too-Far (Self), Level 5 (+1)

Might: 10

Wit: 26

Faith: 18

Adventurousness: 6

Ambition: 11

Plotting: 13

Charisma: 8

Devious Mind: 14

Leadership: 14

Guts: 11

Intimidating Presence: 8 (+1)

Citizenship: 11

Public Relations: 3

Alforde Armorsoul:

Primary Class: Hammer Afficionado (Self), Level 19

Secondary Class: Right-hand man (Vee Vales), Level 11

Tertiary Class: Dungeon Champion (Oar’s Crest), Level 11

Additional Class: Clunker (Vee Vales), Level 2

Might: 28

Wit: 11

Faith: 24

Adventurousness (Bound – Vee Vales): 8

Endurance: 14 (+1)

Intimidating Presence: 9

Heart of a Champion: 3

Citizenship (Bound – Vee Vales): 5

Vigilance: 4

Reginald:

Primary Class: Core Spirit (Unknown), Level ???

--~#e&a$@ &f (*e B&#e !#$g (#$%#$%#$@!)~--, L$#@& ????

Secondary Class: Loudmouth (Self), Level 37

Tertiary Class: Majordomo (Vee Vales), Level 9

Additional Class: Announcer (Vee Vales), Level 4

Might: 1

Wit: 28 (+1)

Faith: 10

Ambition: 25

Greed: 21

Deceptiveness: 29

Manipulativeness: 34

F^#$#$%@#

Loyalty: 41

^^^^^^^^^^^

[*--__#4%_--------]

Citizenship (Bound – Vee Vales): 3