Dungeons Are Bad Business

Reginald looked up at the sky and squinted. It was hard to see the moons properly through all the clouds of bugs, but he was pretty sure that they were in the proper position for his skill to work. If they weren’t, it was probably close enough. Celestial dreamscaping was more of an art than a science.

Speaking of art, hopefully he wasn’t about to ruin his canvas right when it’d finally started coming together. He’d been planning to do this later, but Vee’s encounter with the Expectation had been as illuminating as it’d been worrying. The spirit’s contact had sapped the [Ghost Maestro]’s Sp—inner strength so severely that it had barely taken a nudge for Reginald to send him to sleep.

That wasn’t supposed to happen. The boy simply wasn’t strong enough yet to bear the weight, and that meant Reginald was forced to act earlier than he would have liked. He hated having to put his proverbial thumb on the scales so much, but this was a problem that wasn’t going to get better on its own. Quite the opposite, in fact.

If he’d still had a body, Reginald would have taken a deep breath. Since he did not, he simply tightened his brim and closed his eyes. Well master, this isn’t what I wanted, but here goes nothing, eh?

“[Gone But Not Forgotten].”

Reginald reached down into Vee’s thought stream and plucked out the boy’s awareness. Ignoring the pain that wracked through his entire awareness –courtesy of Maluw’s seal – the [Core Spirit] sent Vee into the misty depths of memory.

Vee followed the dirt road through the forest. The leaves around him dripped with water, but the road was firm beneath his feet. Thank Gawain for that. Vee hated traipsing through the mud. Especially when he was naked.

Naked?! That was…not what was supposed to happen. Was it? He looked around. Nobody else was around, so probably not.

Vee scratched his head. Talk about a lucky break, his closet was right behind the next tree! He walked over to it – extremely careful to avoid the prickly thistles to his right – and dressed himself in his regular [Dungeon Master]’s outfit. It was clean and comfortable, but the jacket was a bit too big. Just a quick tug on the shoulders and…..there, it fit better now.

He looked at himself in the thistles-turned-mirror. Something was missing. Spinning in slow circles, Vee tried to figure out what it was. His hair was the length he liked to keep it, his cheeks were as rosy as ever, and everything else looked normal too.

Oh, right! He wasn’t wearing his hat! How could he have forgotten it?

Strange, it wasn’t anywhere to be found. Shrugging, Vee left the closet and continued on his way.

The forest came to a clearing, and Vee could see a valley down below. On the other side were some mountains that looked familiar, but they looked like an artist had spilled buckets of red and orange paint on them. Emberberries.

Vee rubbed his chin. How had he known that? Before he could really ponder it though, the sound of music came from further down the road and Vee hurried to check it out.

He saw a small fire and three figures around it. One was dancing, while the other two sat on a log nearby and watched.

The first of the sitters was a massive, barrel-chested man dressed in a silver robe. With his shaved head, fleshy nose, and thick brow, he looked like some sort of [Warrior Monk]. Instead of a belt, he wore a thick, braided rope around his waist. Hanging from it was a long sword that shimmered with energy.

Whatever familiarity he’d developed with the weapon looked hard won; the man’s face was crisscrossed with thin white scars and there were plenty of old wounds on his arms and chest. However, he didn’t seem particularly intimidating. That was probably because he was laughing and clapping with a huge smile on his face.

“Ta. Faster! Dance faster, my friend!”

The dancer obliged, kicking his legs up into the air and laughing as he did so. He was a young man about Vee’s age, with straw-colored hair and eyes that seemed too green to be human.

As Vee crept closer, he tried to get a look at the third figure, but couldn’t make out much. They were wearing a dark robe that obscured all their features but their eyes, which glowed with yellow energy. Vee had seen eyes like that before, but where?

A stick snapped beneath his foot. Vee cursed under his breath. He hadn’t been paying attention to where he was walking.

The dancer stopped mid kick and looked straight at him.

“You’re not supposed to be here, who are you?”

The world around Vee faded to mist.

Gone was the forest, and in its place was a wide stone room that looked like it was part of a castle. Vee looked around. There were shelves here, but they were all empty save for a thick layer of dust.

The blond man was standing across from him with his arms folded across his chest. The [Warrior Monk] and strange robed figure were gone.

“Didn’t you hear me?” the man said, his tone growing angrier. “Who are you? Did you come from one of the locked rooms? How did you open the door?”

Locked rooms? What? Vee stared down at his hands. How did I get here? Though it probably shouldn’t have taken him so long to do so, Vee became lucid. He was definitely dreaming – how else had his closet miraculously appeared behind a tree? – but this was the most vivid dream he’d ever had.

The air smelled like coffee, for goodness’ sake! You weren’t supposed to be able to smell things in dreams! Or at least, that’s what he’d heard and always believed. Maybe that wasn’t the case.

He shook his head and introduced himself. When he was finished, he asked the man who he was, and the stranger laughed.

“I wish I knew that myself,” he said. “You may call me Ildor. That’s what my companions call me in some of my favorite memories. I’m quite certain that I’ve never left this manor, but I have memories of other places. Are they truly mine? Beyond that, I know many things and can use powerful skills, but lack any classes or stats. Such a thing shouldn’t be possible, yet I swear upon Gwalchmei’s shoulders that it’s the truth. I’ve been going from room to room and searching for clues, but most of the doors here are locked.”

Vee frowned. That was…definitely not what he was expecting. He didn’t really know how to respond.

Thankfully, Ildor saved him the trouble.

“If you didn’t come from one of the locked rooms, that must mean that you’re not from inside the manor. I’ve checked every unlocked room enough times to be sure of that. In that case, would you mind if I [Soulread] you? It’ll save us both some time.”

He held up his hand and his palm turned blue. Some of Vee’s apprehension must have shown on his face because the man laughed once more.

“Worry not, young Vee! I give you my word that this won’t hurt you at all.”

Vee pondered that statement for a moment. If he couldn’t trust Ildor, he certainly couldn’t trust the man’s word. That was like…pretty obvious, right? But at the same time, what choice did he have? He didn’t much feel like recounting his entire life experience just then. It’d take too long.

Hoping that he wasn’t making a huge mistake, Vee nodded and Ildor walked forward and lightly pressed his palm against the [Ghost Maestro]’s head.

The contact only lasted a second, and Vee didn’t even feel anything before Ildor drew his hand away. The man frowned for a moment as a series of images zipped across his eyes, but smiled when they faded.

“I can’t believe he’s calling himself Reginald, of all things.”

Vee perked up. “You know Reginald?”

“Indeed, though by a different name. Thank you Vee, I think I see the outline of what’s happened a bit better now. It’s truly illuminating. There’s much to be done.”

Ildor fell silent and Vee waited for him to explain what was truly illuminating. Unfortunately, Ildor was apparently one of those ‘intentionally mysterious’ types, because he didn’t expand on that any further. Instead, he simply said, ‘Follow me,’ and led Vee out of the room.

The hallway was long and twisted. By the end of it, Vee was walking on what had started out as the ceiling. He hadn’t even noticed. More dream weirdness.

Along the way, they passed several doors. They were all marked with a pair of black intersecting lines.

“Locked,” Ildor said by way of explanation, though Vee hadn’t even asked. “Come along now and be quick about it. I cannot do what I need to without my tools, and our mutual friend is probably waiting impatiently for you to wake back up.”

Ildor pushed open a door, and Vee followed him into a wide open room filled with stairs leading in every direction. It looked like one of those impossible paintings.

“Now let’s see,” the man said as he tapped his foot. “Which way was it again?”

Reginald’s eyes snapped open as he heard the heavy footsteps approaching Vee. Between them came ragged gasps of breath, and when the hat looked up, he found himself staring up into the furious eyes of an ogre he’d seen exactly once before. Shit.

Piper was having a bit of a giggle it seemed. The cycle of vengeance and all that.

The [Core Spirit] cast a surly glare up to the heavens. Really? This has to happen now?! You couldn’t have waited until like, tomorrow sometime?! A pox upon you, you old cow!

A bird flying by overhead defecated, and the glop of white goo landed near Reginald’s right eye. The animal made a noise that sounded all-too-much like ‘Bite Me’.

Fair enough.

The hat returned his attention to the ogre. Norog was cracking his knuckles and grinning.

“Ha! Rumors were true! Have found you, little [Dungeon Master]! You caught Norog with pants down, attacked like coward. Norog is here to…one second…Norog must catch breath….okay…Norog is here to…what was it you said? Ta! Norog here to cook the books.”

Pulling back a massive hand, Norog readied a punch that would certainly end Vee’s life.

Reginald had to act fast.

“That’s not what he said!” he cried. “If you’re going for poetic vengeance, you have to at least get the line right!”

The ogre paused and gave Reginald a confused look.

“Hat talks too? Perhaps Norog not as sober as thought.”

The ogre coughed. It was a horrid hacking sound, and he clutched his chest a little bit when he did so. Despite the terror bearing down on him, Reginald couldn’t help but be a little impressed with Vee. Whatever you did to this guy, boss, it was pretty good.

He seized the moment. “I’m pretty sure that Vee said he was there to balance the books. Not cook the books. That means something else.”

Norog stopped coughing and looked at him. “Are you sure, little hat?”

“Positive,” said Reginald as he sent pulses of energy into Vee in an attempt to wake him up. There wasn’t much use in buying time if Vee stayed sleeping. The eventual outcome would be the same.

“He told us all about it and he was very clear that he said ‘balance the books’. He was particularly proud of that line. Not one of the greatest, in my opinion, but you know, his Wit’s not what it should be.”

The ogre pondered this for a moment and then shrugged.

“Balance? Cook? What is difference? Who cares? Norog here to smash [Dungeon Master] face, not play word games.”

Reginald winced as Norog narrowed his eyes and took a deep breath. Doing so was clearly painful, as the air rattled in the ogre’s chest.

Reginald sent as much energy as he could muster into Vee. Come on, boss! Wake up!

Vee shifted but remained asleep. One of his hands flopped to the ground, and Reginald saw that there was a band of red light around Vee’s index finger. What was that?

“Ah, here it is,” Ildor said as he opened what felt like the hundredth identical door in a row. Inside was a small cot and a bevy of strange tools that Vee didn’t recognize.

He followed the mysterious man and sat down on the floor when the whole manor shook. He kept his balance by putting his hands on the floor, but winced at a sudden flare of heat at the base of his right index finger. He pressed again and the pain was gone. Weird.

“What was that?”

Ildor looked around and shrugged. “How am I supposed to know? Felt like a big surge of panicked energy to me, but my senses aren’t what they used to be. Or rather they are, but they’re not what I remember them being, even though the memories technically aren’t mine.”

Vee shook his head. He’d already gotten tired of Ildor’s fixation on his (non)existence. The man bent down and picked up a small rod of brass with a jewel socketed into the tip. He poked it at Vee.

“Now, can you tell me what drained your Spirit so badly?”

“Spirit? Do you mean like my immortal spirit?”

Ildor looked at him like he’d just asked to borrow a pair of shorts during a typhoon.

“No, I mean your Spirit. You know, the fourth pillar of life? Might, Wit, Passion, Spirit. Yours is almost nonexistent.”

Vee shook his head. “I’ve never heard of that. As far as I know, people only have Might, Wit, and Faith when they’re born. I’ve never heard of anyone having Spirit before. Or Passion, for that matter.”

Ildor jabbed Vee in the ribs with the rod and his eyes grew wide with horror. “By Pippa’s knees! You’re serious! But, you’re one of those…what was it called again? Ah, yes, a [Ghost Maestro]! How can you be one of those with no Spirit?”

Vee grinned. “I mostly work with ghosts.”

Ildor’s features grew harsh for a moment, but then he shook his head and laughed at the joke.

“Well, I think I know why our mutual friend sent you to me. You’re being overwhelmed by the influence of a spirit, correct? Shaking legs, an unbearable weight, that sort of thing? Many [Wizards] in my memories suffered similar symptoms when they spent too long trying to reach through the fires. There’s a trick that can help. Let me teach it to you.”

Vee’s finger burned again, and he looked down at it. There was a faint pink line right by his knuckle now, and it grew hotter and brighter with every second he stared at it.

Another rumble shook the manor. This one was far stronger than the first had been, and Vee almost woke up right there. He fought to stay asleep. He didn’t want to go back to the insect-ridden alley near the sewer just yet!

Ildor gestured to the light around Vee’s finger.

“We should hurry.”

Tapping Vee’s forehead with the rod, Ildor closed his eyes.

“[Teach Skill: Spirit Shield]”

Awareness surged through Vee’s body, and he saw himself encased in a faint blue crystal, surrounded by spirits. No matter how they tried to touch him, they were repelled by the energy. That would be mighty useful!

[You can now use the Spirit Shield skill!]

The walls shook again, and the manor started turning to mist before Vee’s eyes. His finger was screaming hot.

“There’s not much time left,” Ildor said. “Let me give you these as well. [Pippa’s Blessing]!”

[Might +10]

[Wit +15]

[Passion +20….Unknown Stat…converting]

[Conversion Complete!]

Might + 7]

[Wit + 8]

[Spirit +25…Unknown Stat…converting]

[Conversion Complete!]

[Faith + 20]

[Wit +5]

[Congratulations, you can now use the--]

The manor faded to nothing. As Ildor vanished, Vee could see the man grinning as he said something.

“…ue K…”

Vee couldn’t make it out, but then his ears popped, and he heard the next bit just fine.

“You should probably focus more on merchandise. That’s where the easy money is.”

Everyone’s an expert.

Vee squirmed but didn’t wake, and Norog had apparently talked enough. With a roar, he swung his massive fist toward Vee, and Reginald felt as if the world had completely slowed down.

There was nothing he could do now. He closed his eyes.

It was all over…

…Except that it wasn’t.

There was a loud smack, and Norog let out a grunt that was both dazed and confused. Reginald opened his eyes, daring to look once more. The adventurer’s arm was caught firmly in the grip of another ogre’s hand.

As far as Reginald knew, there was only one other ogre in Oar’s Crest. That meant – he looked up and saw Sculla standing next to them. The old ogre was scowling, and there was a light in her eyes that the hat hadn’t ever seen before. Instinctively, Reginald shied away from the thrum of power in the air around her. He’d always had his…suspicions about Sculla – what was she doing with all those boxes, anyways? – but this basically confirmed the worst of them.

Or, maybe it was the best of them, seeing as she’d just saved Vee’s life.

He’d figure it out later.

The ogre’s pipe glowed with arcane embers, and she seemed far bigger than normal.

Norog squealed. When he spoke next, it was in the guttural tongue of the ogres.

Reginald activated [Many Tongues, One Language] so that he could understand.

“—honored Yazadiyan! My most sincere apologies!”

Sculla didn’t release the brute’s hand. “Those aren’t good enough. Your murderous intent reeks, and I can hear your bloodlust over the wailing of these damn bugs. You were going to kill the boy.”

“He embarrassed me and injured me. I can’t breathe well enough to work! I must take my revenge, or be seen as weak!”

Sculla shook her head, tightening her grip just enough to make Norog’s eyes fill with tears. “You are weak. This ‘revenge’ wouldn’t change that. Besides, your injuries are your own fault. Doubly so. You brought them upon yourself by damaging Vee’s thrukdak.”

Norog made to speak but Sculla shook her head and the air cracked. So did one of the walls nearby. Norog shut his mouth. Maybe he was smarter than he looked.

“I know why you did it, but that changes nothing. Has the Stonegief family fallen so far that you needed such a paltry sum of money? Surely the tribes would have helped you if you needed the coin, if only to keep you from dirtying your name in such a manner. Why did you not go to them? Perhaps you’ve done something to offend them too? Bah, foolish child! You might as well be made from rock!”

“I don’t see how attacking me in an alley is justified,” Norog said. He sounded more than a little pouty.

Sculla growled. “What did you think he was going to do? Look at him! See how thin his arms are? He is not a warrior! He is weaker than a baby! You gave him no choice but to take his vengeance in the only way he could. The fact that you let your love of drink make you an easy target for such an attack is no one’s fault but your own. Hear me now, Norog son of Zanlek, son of Krusg, I am #%#$%#$, and declare this matter finished. Do you doubt my name?”

Reginald squinted. He hadn’t actually caught Sculla’s name – though he imagined it might have been something like Deus or Machina – her voice had crackled in a strange way when she said it. It’d been quite some time since he’d last used this skill. Maybe it’d gotten weaker from neglect.

Norog held out his hands in a pleading gesture. “But I still have a quarrel!”

“Then go find a [Lawyer] and sue. Get someone to [Serve Papers].”

Norog’s eyes grew impossibly wide, and he started trembling. Fury mixed with disgust.

“You…you would have me seek legal recourse? You shame me, Yazadiyan!”

Sculla nodded and grinned. It wasn’t a friendly gesture. Another wall cracked. Reginald hoped the building wouldn’t collapse. That just wouldn’t be fair.

“As I intended. Do not bother this child again, Norog. The ring he wears is a boon from me, and I will know if you ever try such wickedness again. You will not find me so merciful if we meet like this for a second time. Now go and get out of here before I change my mind.”

Like a child caught trying to steal sugar cubes by stuffing them into a pocket, Norog turned around and shuffled out of the alley. Reginald couldn’t help but feel a twinge of pity for the ogre. It didn’t last long.

Vee mumbled something and started to stir.

Sculla looked over at the hat. She spoke once more, this time in the common tongue. “Spirit, did you hear all of that?”

Reginald thought about lying. It’d be a perfect lie, would it not? He could simply feign ignorance and then he wouldn’t have to worry about having a whatever Sculla was mad at him. You couldn’t put a price on peace of mind like that!

But no, that wouldn’t be right.

He scrunched himself forward. “Not quite all of it, but enough to understand that Vee should probably be paying you a lot more in rent.”

[Deceptiveness -1]

The ogre laughed and shook her head. “Probably, but I won’t ask him to. In fact, I would prefer that your friend not know about this at all. He’s still asleep. Will you refrain from saying anything?”

“I will.”

Sculla took a long drag from her pipe and her gaze burned into Reginald’s awareness. Then she nodded. Turning around, she walked through the nearest wall and disappeared. No fair.

Reginald had some serious thinking to do.

Vee woke up a few minutes later. He was grinning ear to ear as he stood up and stretched, swatting a few bugs out of his face as he did so.

He bent down and picked up a small rock that was laying next to his feet.

“Reginald, watch this!”

Grunting, Vee threw the rock down the alley as hard as he could. It landed less than ten feet away and skidded to a stop.

“Am I supposed to be impressed or feel pity?”

Vee looked down at his hands. Something wasn’t right.

Closing his eyes, Vee checked his Soul’s Mirror and made a gurgling noise.

His stats were all the same!

It was all a dream!

Clapping his hands together, Vee said, “[Spirit Shield].”

A faint blue crystal surrounded him, just as he’d seen with Ildor.

Okay, so maybe not all of it was a dream.

A popup appeared in front of him.

[Transfer Incomplete!]

Well, that was just great! He looked up at the sky. Would it kill you two to give me a lucky break once in a while!

A bird flying through the sky above him defecated, and the blob of white goo landed next to Vee’s right foot.

The [Dungeon Master] grinned.

Fair enough.

Main Character Sheets:

Vee Vales:

Primary Class: Ghost Maestro (Locksmagister University), Level 22

Secondary Class: Dungeon Master (Oar’s Crest), Level 12

Tertiary Class: Guy-Who-Takes-Things-WAY-Too-Far (Self), Level 4

Might: 9

Wit: 28

Faith: 18

Adventurousness: 6

Ambition: 9

Plotting: 13

Charisma: 6

Devious Mind: 13

Leadership: 13

Guts: 9

Intimidating Presence: 7

Citizenship: 8

Alforde Armorsoul:

Primary Class: Hammer Afficionado (Self), Level 18

Secondary Class: Right-hand man (Vee Vales), Level 11

Tertiary Class: Dungeon Champion (Oar’s Crest), Level 10

Additional Class: Clunker (Vee Vales), Level 3

Might: 20

Wit: 10

Faith: 24

Adventurousness (Bound – Vee Vales): 7

Endurance: 12

Intimidating Presence: 9

Heart of a Champion: 2

Citizenship (Bound – Vee Vales): 3

Vigilance: 4

Reginald:

Primary Class: Core Spirit (Unknown), Level ???

--~H@#!$d o% ^h@ B&#e K#$@ (#$%#$%#$@!)~--, L$#@& ????

Secondary Class: Loudmouth (Self), Level 35

Tertiary Class: Majordomo (Vee Vales), Level 8

Additional Class: Announcer (Vee Vales), Level 4

Might: 1

Wit: 27

Faith: 9

Ambition: 25

Greed: 21

Deceptiveness: 29 (-1)

Manipulativeness$@: 34

F^#$#$%@#

Loyalty: 41

[*--__#4%_--------]

Citizenship (Bound – Vee Vales): 2