Dungeons Are Bad Business

The stairs leading down to Crestheart’s second floor were strangely cold. The ghostly lanterns changed colors; instead of blue they were now a sickly green.

Pierre stepped onto the tiles of the second floor and looked around. He was standing in a hallway with two paths ahead. There were no hints or clues or signs for which one was better than the other. Just a pair of shadows that were nigh indistinguishable from one another. Left or right? Crestheart wasn’t too big, so it probably didn’t really matter all that much, but Pierre still gave it a good thought. If Crestheart was mazelike, he could simply put a hand on the wall and follow it until he reached the end, though he really didn’t think that the dungeon was big enough for that to really be an issue.

Thanks to his break in the treasure room and the time it took him to go down the stairs, Pierre’s rage multiplier was pretty drained. The [Balloonbarian] felt this as a gentle tingling on the back of his neck and shoulders, and he hoped to find something to stop himself from losing all his rage, or he’d be weaker than normal for the champion battle.

Time to get moving. He muttered a prayer and headed down the right path.

To his surprise, the lighting improved as he walked, until he could clearly see the floor in front of him. There was probably a reason for that. Pierre looked down at the floor very carefully and noticed a small tile that didn’t look like the others. It was the wrong shade of gray, and because Pierre was desperate for a rage multiplier, he reached out with his giant shoe and stepped on it. What was the worst that could happen?

As expected, the tile sank under his weight and the walls groaned as compartments that had previously been hidden appeared. Platforms swung out and little red and orange balls of flame danced out. They warbled and chirped and started spitting embers at him. Pierre danced back as one landed in his rainbow wig and a flame started to spread. Throwing the wig on the ground as fast as he could, the [Balloonbarian] stomped out the fire, lest he lose a piece of [Clown] equipment that was required to use [Clown Around].

He sighed once the fire was extinguished. One of the toughest things about his class was the need to carefully balance his equipment. Like many classes, both [Clown] and [Barbarian] had restrictions on skill usage related to the types and amount of equipment worn. [Barbarian] strongly disliked protective equipment, and had a serious antipathy for shirts of any kind. Wearing one would completely prevent rage multiplication, rendering its most powerful skills next to useless.

On the other hand, [Clown] skills were gated behind having enough pieces of gear that were sufficiently silly. The minimum number of unique pieces of equipment necessary to activate most of its skills was four. In Pierre’s case, these were {Silly Shoes}, {Puffy Pants}, {Rainbow Wig}, and {Big Red Nose}. Heck, he was only able to get away with {Big Red Nose} because his [Barbarian] class seemed to consider it war paint, which was a totally fine thing to wear. Losing any one of them would render him an overly armored barbarian without a real weapon, as he wouldn’t be able to activate [Balloon Mace] either and would have to fight with his fists. Pierre hated fighting with his fists.

It was a fine line to walk, and Pierre made a mental note to start carrying spare wigs and noses inside his [Oversized Pockets] for times like this. He didn’t know why the idea hadn’t ever occurred to him before.

But for now, he had to focus and find a way through the hall without losing his wig. The air in front of him was like a blizzard, only full of small fireballs instead of snowflakes. No matter how he watched, there weren’t any consistent gaps that he could dodge through.

Shoot. There was nothing for it but to turn back and try the other hallway. Hopefully it’d be easier.

[Wit +1]

He traipsed back to the crossroads and this time took the left path. The light remained poor as he walked, and Pierre breathed a mental sigh of relief.

That meant he felt one hundred different types of foolish when he stepped on a pressure plate on the floor and another shooting gallery opened. However, this time it was even worse because a handful of snake ropes fell down from the ceiling and bound Pierre’s arms and legs together so that he was virtually incapable of moving.

He let out a [Barbarian’s Roar] as the embers pelted him so that his sense of pain was numbed. Thanks to the fact that his rage multiplier was super maxed out now, he was strong enough to break free of the ropes and managed to get back while salvaging his wig. Thank goodness.

Once he was safe, he reached into his pocket. Pierre drew out three long balloons. Inflating one, he glared at the lesser fire elementals – who were still happily spitting away – and began to twist the balloon into knots.

“[Balloon animal]!”

Vee rested his chin on his hands and watched as the [Balloonbarian] threw his balloon animals at the elementals and then ran past them while the little monsters were distracted by the bright colors. Fire elementals weren’t great about focusing on a single target.

“He’s pretty good,” Vee said, “But I still don’t think he has a chance against Alforde. I’ll take your bet.”

Reginald’s fabric face split into an ugly smile. “Alright, when I win, you have to take me to the casino outside of town and let me play cards for an entire night.”

Vee looked over at the hat and raised an eyebrow. “What the heck? You want to go play cards? Fine. If you win, I’ll take you to the casino and let you gamble for a night.”

“Shake on it?”

Vee’s eyebrow was already as high as it could go. “And how exactly do you propose we do that?”

“Oh, right,” Reginald said wistfully. “Forgot for a second.”

Covered in a crisscrossed web of burns – but with enough of his wig left to use [Clown Around] and his other skills – Pierre descended the steps to the dungeon’s third and final floor. He was exhausted and in pain, but he was grinning as he walked into the wide open room of that [Dungeon Champion]’s arena. Dungeon running was fun. He’d never experienced such a rush before. He liked this. It was much better than slaving away in front of a stove, that was for sure.

The arena itself was a big disk suspended a few feet in the air above a floatation rune. The ground of the chamber was blue and looked squishy.

In the center was a towering suit of armor holding onto a hammer. That must be the [Dungeon Champion]. Pierre drew out and inflated a piercing balloon, and fixed it to the end of his tube. His experience with the tanky ghosts from earlier had given him a greater appreciation for proper damage typing, and pierce was the way to go against armored enemies.

Pierre expected the [Dungeon Champion] to attack him as soon as he stepped onto the platform, but the steely giant didn’t so much as move. Was it sleeping? Pierre looked around the room. Maybe there was some sort of switch he had to pull or button he had to press to get things started, and then he saw the bridge on the other side of the arena that led to a big, jewel-encrusted treasure chest. He headed towards it. Surely opening it and taking out the treasure would start the boss battle, right?

When he was halfway across the second bridge, the air crackled and the same voice he’d been hearing for his entire run filled the room. This time, it was free of any attempts to disguise itself.

“Um, excuse me, would you mind not doing that? Please turn around and return to the arena. You’re only supposed to be on this bridge if you win..”

Pierre stopped and looked up. He wasn’t sure where exactly the voice was coming from, but looking at the ceiling made as much sense as anything else.

“You the [Dungeon Master]?”

A pause. “Yes, that’s me.”

“Your voice acting needs a lot of work.”

Pierre heard a snickering sound that was a bit too felty for its own good and the [Dungeon Master] coughed. “Yeah, you’re not the first adventurer today that’s said that. Thanks for the feedback. Anyways, I wanted to congratulate you on reaching this part of the dungeon and tell you that you should probably cover your ears.”

Pierre did so, tucking his tube under his armpit. As soon as the [Balloonbarian] did so, the room shook at the sound of the [Dungeon Master]’s voice.

“ALFORDE! WAKE THE HECK UP! HOW DARE YOU FALL ASLEEP, YOU STUPID [CLUNKER]! THERE’S AN ADVENTURER IN YOUR ARENA!”

Pierre winced and saw that the [Dungeon Champion] had snapped to life.

“Sorry, Vee! It’s just that it’s been so long since anyone made it down here that I didn’t know what else to do.”

The suit of armor spun around and his orange eyes grew extra wide. “Oh goodness, I’m sorry that I missed your entrance. I memorized this whole speech and everything. It took forever, and now it’s all ruined.”

Pierre walked back into the center of the ring. “I mean, if you wanted to, you could go ahead and say it now.”

The [Dungeon Champion] shook his head as he studied Pierre. “The vibe wouldn’t be right. Sorry again. Anyways, I’m Alforde Armorsoul. Why don’t we go ahead and get started?”

Flipping his hammer over so that it could stand on its head, the [Dungeon Champion] reached up with his right hand and twisted his left arm off. However, instead of falling as Pierre expected it to, it floated down on a tether of grayish smoke to Alforde’s chest, where after some prying, it opened a door and went inside.

“I was worried about stepping on them during the battles,” Alforde said by way of explanation. “Hang on just a second.”

He pulled out a small green pill and tossed it to Pierre. The [Balloonbarian] caught it and held it close to his eye. It was marked with the letters SSB.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“Sky’s Shield Barrier. It’s the union’s officially sanctioned magical protection for champion battles. So long as you take it in a dungeon it makes you almost invincible for eight minutes after you swallow it. Super useful against smash attacks. Is this your first time fighting a [Dungeon Champion]?”

Pierre said that it was and Alforde perked up. “In that case, I’ll explain the rules! When you’re ready, go ahead and swallow your SSB, and then we try to knock each other off this platform onto the ground below. Each one is worth a point, and first to four wins. If your SSB times out before one of us has won, whoever’s got more points wins. Ties go to you. Make sense?”

“Why does the fight have to end once the SSB wears off. Couldn’t I just take another one?”

Alforde stared at him for a moment and then shook his helmet, and Pierre winced at the scraping metallic sound it made. “You’re a human right? Let’s just say that taking two SSBs so close together would lead to…problems. Stomach problems. Big stomach problems. Please don’t make me say any more than that. Now, are you ready to start?”

Pierre nodded and lowered himself into a crouch with his weapon ready as he popped the pill into his mouth and swallowed. He shivered. All of his limbs and his torso suddenly felt…gummy. Like he was made of rubber. It wasn’t a bad feeling by any means, and he adjusted to it pretty quickly.

Alforde was already barreling towards him with his hammer up and ready to swing. Pierre activated [Clown Around] and tried to cartwheel away, but he was a hair too slow and the [Dungeon Champion] hit him in the back. To say that it knocked the wind out of the [Balloonbarian]’s body was an understatement. Even with the magic of the SSB, Pierre felt as if he’d never breathe again.

The adventurer’s body hit the ground and rolled about halfway across the arena. Pierre bounced back to his feet just as Alforde charged him again. This time, he managed to leap up over the [Dungeon Champion] and land a hefty blow against his foe’s armored back. The pierce balloon popped and sent its sharp fragments into the gaps of Alforde’s armor, but seemed to have no effect.

Alforde spun faster than he had any right to and caught Pierre in the chest with another hammer blow. This time Pierre sailed past the edge of the stage and fell to the ground. A horn blew in the sky above him and the ground threw him back onto the platform. It was springy indeed.

Pierre landed hard and took a few seconds to catch his breath.

“First point to Alforde,” the [Dungeon Master]’s voice said. “Remember, your timer is still ticking!”

Pierre charged his foe with a [Barbarian’s Roar]. His rage was molten lava: it burned in his blood and he was powerful. Nothing could stop him; there weren’t any who could stand in his way. Crush. SMASH! This was the reason he’d endured all the injuries earlier! He was going to—

Alforde’s hammer smashed into his ribs and Pierre suddenly found himself spinning through the air. He’d missed a few seconds because he wasn’t entirely sure how he hadn’t seen the strike coming. Growling, he slapped the ground and leapt back to his feet.

“Is this all that you have?” Alforde asked as he peppered Pierre with a series of pulsing blows. No matter how Pierre tried to block or dodge, the hammer always found its mark and he was knocked out of the stage for a second time. “I must admit that I’m disappointed.”

Pierre took a deep breath and inflated a shield balloon as the horn sounded. It was hard to see through the red haze of his vision. Time was ticking away, yes, but rushing headlong into his enemy’s waiting hammer had cost him half of his knockouts already. He needed time to look for a weakness in his foe’s technique. Everyone had a blind spot.

His shield balloon managed to block the next hammer blow and with the help of [Clown Around], Pierre dodged the flurry.

Retreating to the edge of the arena, Pierre saw his chance. Alforde was bigger, heavier, and stronger than he was, so brawling was out. However, the armorsoul’s fighting style of dashing forward and attacking with big heavy smashes meant that it was hard for the [Dungeon Champion] to change directions once he got moving. With just a nudge in the right direction, Pierre could knock him out of the arena with ease.

The [Dungeon Champion] lunged forward and Pierre crouched beneath the hammer that was aimed at his head. He took a tiny step to the side and then swung his [Balloon Mace] into his enemy’s back as hard as he could. He didn’t need to do damage, he simply had to move Alforde a few inches off the platform. His muscles bulged as he put all of his strength into the hit.

It worked! Alforde lost his balance and fell to the ground.

“The score is now two to one in favor of Alforde,” the [Dungeon Master] said. “Approximately three minutes remain!”

I can do this, Pierre thought as he cartwheeled away from another flurry of blows. He went to the edge again and inflated another shield balloon. Patience, patience. Let him come to me.

He didn’t have to wait long, because Alforde didn’t seem to understand the fact that the format of the battle meant he was in the lead and didn’t have to do anything in order to win by time out. Pierre dimly realized this as the armorsoul’s hammer whirled towards his head once again. Pretending that it was nothing more than a limbo pole, Pierre bent backwards and let the strike pass over him.

[Guts +1]

Another small step, another swing with all his strength, and another point as he sent the armorsoul to the ground for the second time.

This time, though, when Alforde landed back on the platform, his armor started glowing red and his eyes changed color to match. The armorsoul looked down at himself.

“That’s weird. I thought Heart of a Champion would only activate when I was down to my last stock. Oh well.”

“One minute left!”

Pierre took a step back. The [Dungeon Champion] looked…bigger now, and meaner too. Reaching down to grip his weapon at the base with both hands, Alforde started spinning. Faster and faster he went, until he was nothing but a blur of reddish steel.

How am I supposed to deal with that?

He didn’t get a chance to figure out the answer, as there was a yell that didn’t belong to him, and the hammer flew out of Alforde’s hands. It whizzed through the air and struck Pierre squarely in the chest. The [Balloonbarian] went flying. He crashed into the ground and stayed there instead of being bounced back to the stage.

“And that’s time! With a score of three knockdowns to two, Alforde is victorious!”

Pierre punched the ground as hard as he could. That was a mistake, as his SSB had worn off and shooting pain lanced all up and down his arm. He hoped he hadn’t broken any bones.

Glaring up at the platform, he saw a large gauntlet hanging over the side, reaching towards him.

“Good fight!” Alforde said as he hoisted Pierre back up. “That was one of the better ones I’ve had today.”

Pierre was filled with a mix of emotions. Rage for losing, and elation for having made it so far. He’d even been complimented by the [Dungeon Champion]! He looked at the treasure chest, and wondered what was inside. How he’d been looking forward to opening it and taking the prize for himself!

He spat on the ground and shook his head. Running the dungeon had been more fun than he’d hoped. The colors of the world seemed gray and dead, and he knew in the depths of his bones that the only way he could see them vibrantly ever again was if he kept challenging dungeons.

I’ll get stronger and try again. He told himself. Realizing that Alforde was holding out a hand to shake, the [Balloonbarian] returned the gesture and made a silent vow.

I’m not going to lose ever again.

[You have gotten stronger by challenging Crestheart! You are now a [Balloonbarian], level 7!]

[Might +2]

“Looks like no cards for you,” Vee said as Alforde directed the adventurer to the staircase that would take him back outside. “And since I won, do you remember what your side of the bargain was?”

Reginald glared at him but his mouth stayed shut.

“Perfect,” said Vee as he reclined in his chair to wait for the next adventurer in perfect, blessed silence.

Character Sheets:

Vee Vales:

Primary Class: Ghost Maestro (Locksmagister University), Level 15

Secondary Class: Dungeon Master (Oar’s Crest), Level 6

Tertiary Class: Guy-Who-Takes-Things-WAY-Too-Far, Level 1

Might: 6

Wit: 23

Faith: 12

Adventurousness: 8

Ambition: 5

Plotting: 6

Charisma: 3

Devious Mind: 8

Leadership: 6

Guts: 4

Intimidating Presence: 3

Alforde Armorsoul:

Primary Class: Hammer Afficionado (Self), Level 12 (+2)

Secondary Class: Right-hand man (Vee Vales), Level 8

(REALIGNMENT) Tertiary Class: Dungeon Champion (Oar’s Crest), Level 7 (+3)

(REALIGNMENT) Additional Class: Clunker (Vee Vales), Level 4 (-1)

Might: 26 (+4)

Wit: 10

Faith: 24

Adventurousness (Bound – Vee Vales): 5

Endurance: 8 (+2)

Intimidating Presence: 7 (+2)

Heart of a Champion: 2 (+1)

Reginald:

Primary Class: Core Spirit (Unknown), Level ???

Secondary Class: Loudmouth (Self), Level 29

Tertiary Class: Majordomo (Vee Vales), Level 4

Might: 1

Wit: 24

Faith: 2

Ambition: 22 (+1)

Greed: 18 (+1)

Deceptiveness: 35

E$@$: $%

[-------------------------]

BONUS: PIerre's Character Sheet

Pierre St. Drod

Primary Class: Balloonbarian, Level 7 (+1)

Secondary Class: Cook, Level 5

Might: 13 (+2)

Wit: 11 (+1)

Faith: 2

Adventurousness: 8

Guts: 10 (+1)

Silliness: 5