Dungeons Are Bad Business

Councilman Seidon walked into the room with his [Bodyguards] behind him. Vee stayed by the door for a minute, and then shut it behind them. Well, actually, it was more like he slammed it shut behind them. Alarmed by the sound – anyone with half a brain knows that with one particular exception, having a door slam shut behind you is not a good thing - Seidon whirled around as Vee pinched his thumb and index finger together. The tower was as full of ectoplasm as anywhere else in Oar’s Crest, and Vee’s hands were like a potter’s as he used [Shape Ectoplasm] to create a thick rope, which he animated and wrapped around the [Bodyguards] before they had a chance to react. Had either of them been by themselves, it wouldn't have held them - there are few things in creation more powerful than a lone [Bodyguard] - but since there were a pair of them, they were unable to free themselves, no matter how they struggled. Additional ectoplasm ropes ensured that they wouldn’t break free any time soon, and Vee grinned at Alforde.

“Grab him.”

“Vee…” his friend groaned. “This is like, a really bad idea, you know. They’re setting up the stage outside for the ceremony. He’s a member of the council!”

Vee shrugged. He was still grinning like an idiot and there was a manic gleam in his eye that Alforde knew all too well. “I just want to talk. [Would You Kindly] grab him, Alforde?”

“What is the meaning of this?” Seidon demanded as the armorsoul’s gauntlets closed around his arms. “I demand that you release me at once.”

“Sorry, can’t do that,” Alforde said quietly. He lowered his voice until it was barely more than a whisper. “Try not to panic, okay? You’re not going to be hurt, Vee just has a flair for pageantry when he’s angry, that’s all.”

Vee walked to the window with his hands clasped behind his back. “It’s a lovely day for Crestheart’s opening, isn’t it councilman?”

He waited for a second and then gave Alforde a significant glance. The armorsoul didn’t move. Vee looked at Seidon, then at the open window, and then at Seidon once more. When Alforde still didn’t move, he jerked his head towards the sky and raised his eyebrows multiple times.

Alforde got the idea. He hefted Seidon into the air – thanks to the armorsoul’s strength, the councilman’s weight was no heavier than the weight of a small animal would be to a person– and hung him out the window by his ankles.

“We’re going to have to work on that,” Vee muttered to his friend as he formed a ball of ectoplasm. The [Dungeon Master] started tossing it a few inches into the air and then let it fall into his palm. It made a little noise each time he caught it. Plip. Plip. Plip. He wished that he had an apple to take dramatic bites of as he talked – preferably one of those lovely crisp granny smiths and not those horrendously mushy red abominations that were as delicious as they were orange – but Fate had delivered the object of his earlier wrath into his hands – metaphorically speaking, as the councilman was literally in Alforde’s hands – and Vee was not the kind to ask for more in such a situation. The ball would have to do. Plip. Plip. Plip. “Got a good grip, bud?”

“Yes, of course,” Alforde said. He gave Seidon a small shake to reassure him. “Don’t worry, Mister Seidon, I’m not going to drop you!”

The gesture seemed to have the opposite effect of what was intended, as the dangling man cursed like a [Sailor] and slapped his hand on the tower’s side.

“Gawain’s balls! You’re insane!” Seidon screamed as he wiggled in Alforde’s grip. He tilted his head to look at the ground below. “Someone, down there! Help! The [Dungeon Master] is a madman!”

Vee leaned out the window and saw that there were in fact almost twenty people looking up in slack-jawed horror. One pointed up at him and was saying something he couldn’t really hear. He waved, and cupped his hands to his mouth.

“Indeed, I am a mad man, but I promise you I’m not crazy!” he called down. “The good councilman will not be harmed. Unless he wriggles himself free of my good friend’s grip, that is.”

He put one foot on the windowsill and leaned forward so that he looked like that painting of a general crossing a frigid river with his ragtag band of soldiers. A smaller, angrier version.

“Mister Seidon, have you read today’s paper?”

Plip. Plip. Plip.

The sound that Seidon made might have been an answer, but it sounded mostly like a whimper mixed with a little bit of a fart.

“I’ll take that as a no. That’s fine though, because I imagine that you’re fully aware of the contents of the front page article, since you were the one interviewed. Were you not?”

Again, Seidon made a noise that could have been easily mistaken for the mews of a small animal. Like a cat scratching at your door at midnight, for example.

“You see,” Vee said, “I happened to read that article this morning on my way to the gate, and I must say that I was disappointed by it.”

“That’s what this is about?” Seidon cried, his fear giving way to anger. “You’re hanging me out a bloody window because you’re upset about a newspaper article?”

Vee leaned out further so that he could look into the man’s eyes. He wasn’t grinning anymore. Plip. Plip. Plip. “Is there something wrong with that? I’m upset because my name didn’t appear in said article at all. Not even once. Neither did my [Dungeon Champion]’s. But that’s not all! Oh no, not in the slightest. Councilman Seidon, I’m upset because you, and by extension, the council, had the audacity to claim the lion’s share of the credit for what is indisputably the result of my hard work. Well, me and my associates, that is. It wasn’t all me. But it most certainly wasn’t at all you.”

As the last word left his lips Vee dropped the ball and Seidon had no choice but to watch it fall allllllll the way down to the ground, where the power keeping it together failed and it shattered into far too many pieces to count.

“I agree,” the councilman said quickly. “You know, I tried to tell the [Reporter] that we should really be interviewing you for the paper, but you know how newspapers are. All those deadlines and things. Very tricky business. Very tricky indeed.”

Vee’s grin was back. “Well, surely a man in your position could make arrangements for, say, a follow up article, or a correction of sorts. Nothing fancy, just a clarification that Crestheart has only one person in charge, and that person is me, Vee Vales. Need me to spell it for you?”

“I think I could do that,” Seidon said. “But for the love of Piper, please pull me up.”

Vee nodded to Alforde and the armorsoul brought the councilman back inside as easily as someone brings a spoon to their mouth. Seidon was pale and sweaty, and his eyes were rimmed red as if he’d been crying.

[You have unlocked the Guy-Who-Takes-Things-WAY-Too-Far Class, would you like to take it?]

Vee smiled, but this time it wasn’t manic. He reached up to the popup and his finger headed towards the dismissal icon, but at the last second he changed his mind and took the class. Once again, he had an inexplicable feeling that it would end up being useful at some point in the future.

[You can now use the [Escalate] skill!]

[Charisma +1]

[Intimidating Presence +1]

[Devious Mind +1]

[Guts +1]

Vee marveled at the amount of stats he’d just gotten. Could he have racked up a ton of points by taking all of those joke classes he’d been offered before? Or, had he simply high-rolled a decent one? It was impossible to know, impossible to say, and so it wasn’t worth thinking about further.

Seidon was spluttering and vowing that Vee would be brought to justice or something. The [Dungeon Master] let him rant. He had the measure of the man now. With a bow and an apology that such behavior was necessary, he slowly removed the ropes from the man’s [Bodyguards] after reminding them that he was a [Ghost Maestro] surrounded by a virtually infinite amount of ectoplasm to work with, if they had any ideas about retaliation or any such nonsense. The men seemed to take their temporary captivity in stride, and soon enough they were doing what they did best: standing around and flexing their muscles as if nothing had happened.

“Glad we understand each other,” Vee said as he wiped a bit of dust off his sleeve from where he’d been leaning against the side of the window. It seemed that he’d have to have tell the light section of his orchestra to be more diligent when it came to keeping the tower clean. “Now, didn’t you mention that you needed to talk to me about something?”

Way down on the ground, Walnut looked up at the window with a grin and shook his head. The kid was crazy, or he had brass balls. Walnut wasn’t smart enough to know the difference, but he did know that Sacre would want to hear the details as quickly as possible.

He set down the box that he’d been carrying over to where the stage was being assembled and took off his hat. He’d been tasked with watching the opening ceremony, but he was pretty sure that nothing was going to compare to seeing one of the members of the council hanging out a window by his ankles. People would be talking about that one for years.

The [Left Hand Man] raised his arms above his head and stretched his shoulders until the tightness in each went away. Manual labor hadn’t ever really been his thing. Punching people in the face was easier, more fun, and definitely paid better than lugging heavy things back and forth.

Tucking his hands into his pockets, Walnut activated his [Slink Away] skill and vanished from sight. He hurried back to the gate and snuck in when it opened to bring out the next batch of stage materials. Only when he was back in familiar territory and sure that nobody was around did he take his hands out of his pockets and rematerialize to the world.

Walnut whistled a jaunty tune as he slinked down the streets towards Angelino’s. It had turned out to be a pretty decent day, all things considered.

As he walked, he thought. Vee Vales. Heck of a last name, that. Come to think of it, Walnut thought it sounded a little familiar. Wasn’t there a pretty high level [Tycoon] out in Bardis named Vales?

A group of [Heralds] commenced the opening ceremony with a tune that Vee felt could have been half as long. Apparently it was the city’s anthem, all but forgotten outside of festivals and special events.

When they finished, the crowd of about two hundred people fell silent and waited until Seidon appeared behind the podium. Based on the way that the crowd’s dull roar instantly reappeared as the councilman straightened his tie, the news of his “conversation” with Vee had already spread.

“Good people of Oar’s Crest, I thank you all for coming,” Seidon said in a calm and collected manner. “On behalf of the council, I’d like to welcome you all to the opening ceremony of Crestheart, our city’s first dungeon. For too long, our fair city has lived in the shadow of its past, but now –”

He stopped as he saw Vee twirling his index finger out of the corner of his eye. Clearing his throat, he recovered quickly and pointed towards the [Dungeon Master]. “But now the man who will help lead Oar’s Crest into the future will tell you about what his dungeon means for us all. It’s my great pleasure to introduce to all of you the founder and [Dungeon Master] of Crestheart! Vee Vales, everyone!”

He hurried away from the podium as if it had turned to lava and vanished into the shadows of the dungeon’s tower. It took the crowd a moment to understand what was happening. Most of them had heard Seidon speak plenty of times, and they knew that the councilman could be real long in the tooth.

The other reason that they didn’t immediately see Vee was that the podium had been raised so that it properly fit Seidon’s height. Vee was a good deal shorter than the councilman, and had to stand on his tiptoes to see over the top. That was hardly dignified, so Vee hurried to drop the podium as quickly as he could.

“[Inspire Loyalty],” Vee whispered as he pulled out his notecards and set them down in front of himself. He didn’t know if the skill would do anything; the people in the crowd weren’t his followers, but he figured that it couldn’t hurt.

“Hello,” he said into the magnifying crystal atop the podium. “I’m Vee Vales and it’s a pleasure to meet all of you. As you just heard, I’m the founder and [Dungeon Master] of Crestheart, and today is the opening day. Quite exciting!”

He might as well have been talking to a wall. The crowd gave no response.

Well, this wasn’t going well. Public speaking was not, strictly speaking, one of the things Vee considered himself particularly good at. He could already see plenty of eyes glazing over in the crowd. He took a deep breath. Like any good [Best Man] in the heat of the moment, he decided to abandon the speech he’d so carefully crafted and “speak from the heart.”

“I didn’t grow up in Oar’s Crest,” he said. “In fact, I’ve barely lived here long enough to consistently find my way to the market without getting lost. So, I don’t know if I’m really the one to talk about leading this city into the future or whatever. That feels pretentious to me.”

He fell quiet for a moment and then shook his head. “However, what I do know is that today is a chance. A chance for brave adventurers to show us…no…to show the world that they have what it takes to conquer their fears and conquer a dungeon. A chance for me to show all of you that I’m serious about making Crestheart the best dungeon it can be.”

A bird flew over the podium, and left a splatter of white goo on Vee’s notecards. He looked up at the sky. Message received.

“Now, I have no delusions of grandeur,” Vee said as he raised his palms toward the crowd. “Crestheart is small, and to be completely honest, it’s not going to be much of a challenge for some of the stronger adventurers here. We’re too new, too inexperienced, and too poor to offer more than a place to showcase your skills.”

He leaned forward and grinned.

“But that won’t be the case forever. Mark my words. Crestheart will grow, and grow, and grow until it’s the peer of any dungeon on the continent. Now, enough of all this talking. All you adventurers here today, go ahead and show me what you’ve got!”

Vee straightened up and waited for the applause to start, growing increasingly horrified as the crowd remained silent. Finally, an old elkin with silver fur and tiny antlers clapped politely and the crowd followed suit.

Feeling dejected, Vee walked back to the side of the stage where Alforde was waiting. His friend clapped him on the shoulder.

“I think that was a very nice speech,” the armorsoul said.

“We’re going to have to work on that,” muttered Reginald.

The [Heralds] started playing again, and a few fireworks went off as Crestheart opened for business.

Character Sheets:

Vee Vales:

Primary Class: Ghost Maestro (Locksmagister University), Level 15

Secondary Class: Dungeon Master (Oar’s Crest), Level 5

Tertiary Class: Guy-Who-Takes-Things-WAY-Too-Far, Level 1

Might: 6

Wit: 23

Faith: 12

Adventurousness: 8

Ambition: 5

Plotting: 6

Charisma: 3 (+1)

Devious Mind: 8 (+1)

Leadership: 6

Guts: 4 (+1)

Intimidating Presence: 3 (+1)

Alforde Armorsoul:

Primary Class: Hammer Afficionado (Self), Level 10

Secondary Class: Right-hand man (Vee Vales), Level 8

Tertiary Class: Clunker (Vee Vales), Level 5

Additional Class: Dungeon Champion (Oar’s Crest), Level 4

Might: 22

Wit: 10

Faith: 24

Adventurousness (Bound – Vee Vales): 5

Reginald:

Primary Class: Core Spirit (Unknown), Level ???

Secondary Class: Loudmouth (Self), Level 29

Tertiary Class: Majordomo (Vee Vales), Level 4

Might: 1

Wit: 24

Faith: 2

Ambition: 21

Greed: 16

Deceptiveness: 35

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