Dissonant

“Mornin’, Matty,” my father said as I walked into the kitchen.

“G’morning, Dad.” 

The chair he sat in was conspicuously empty, and instead I found him standing over the table, pulling at a bundle of thin rope that had tangled into a mess. A small bag sat just to his side, tied with a red string around the top.

“Oh, here,” he called out as I went to the bench, and I turned around to find him holding the bag with both hands. “Catch.”

He threw the bag to me, before going back to the knotted mess of rope in front of him. I only barely managed to brace myself in time to catch it, my back bumping against the kitchen bench as I staggered back. The bag was heavy… What was in it?

“A few o’ the traps I set caught somethin’, so I traded th’ furs off for some diff’rent food.” Untangling a single piece of rope from the bundle in his hands, he set it aside. “That bag y’got is full o’ oats.”

Oats! Laying the bag down, I undid the drawstring, opening the top of the bag to peer inside. With how much meat was in this house, it was always nice to have something different. 

“There’s enough in there for all of us.” Without looking, my father gestured towards the fireplace in the corner. “There’s some wood ‘n the stove, so y’can have some porridge.”

“Ah… thank you.”

Leaving the bag of oats on the counter, I pulled a small metal pot out of the cupboard, bringing it over to the water barrel in the corner. I hadn’t seen Alvin this morning, and my mind wandered to his whereabouts as I filled the pot with water.

Though I hadn’t seen him, I had definitely heard him running around and making a lot of noise. Even after my transformation back, while I had been slowly working out the muscle stiffness from yesterday’s training, I heard his loud footsteps moving all around underneath me. 

Footsteps that had abruptly stopped with the echo of the front door slamming closed.

Bringing the now-filled pot of water over to the bench, I grabbed a bundle of oats, dropping them inside with a pinch of salt. Since Alvin was out, and my father was busy, it seemed like it would be a slow morning. Although, given how the past few days had been, a slow morning was definitely welcome.

“Y’were trainin’ with Karla yesterday, right?” my father said as I hung the pot on the hook above the fireplace. “How’d ya’ find it?” He was still working at the bundle of ropes in front of him as he spoke, and the furrows in his brow grew deeper. 

“It was…” A lot had happened yesterday, most of which I wasn’t anticipating. I sparred against Karla, even though I didn’t feel in any way prepared for it. And I… transformed right in front of her as well. That was the first time that anyone other than Alvin had seen me in that form.

“It was scary,” I said, lighting the fire underneath the pot.

“She’s really good, ain’t she?” my father continued. “She’s been with the mercs for years now, an’ she’s always been crazy good at fightin’... at least, fightin’ against people.”

That was something I had noticed, when I was training with Karla. Her fighting style seemed almost exclusively geared to fighting against people. Specifically, close range combat in tight spaces, where you might not have the room to swing a large sword or spear.

I had asked her about this while we were training, since I had originally thought that most of the reason I was learning to fight was for the sake of fighting monsters. However, in response, she had just given a simple — if somewhat terrifying — answer.

“Oh, monsters? Just dodge their arms, get in close, and slit their throats.”

She explained afterwards that people move a lot faster than the monsters do. Because of that, she had been training me with the intent to fight against people, since “if you can handle someone like Al charging at you at full tilt, you can handle a monster that doesn’t even know how to hit things.”

“Her an’ Alvin ‘ave been sparrin’ for years now,” my father said, laying another piece of untangled rope to the side of the table. “He’s determined to beat her at least once. Says it’s his life goal or somethin’.”

The two of them did seem quite close, when I saw them together. And even among the village guys that trained with him all the time, she was the only one who called him “Al.” Not even I called him that.

Alvin almost seemed like a different person when the mercenaries were here. I glanced out the window absentmindedly as I stirred the pot of porridge, expecting to see him training in the centre of the village. That was where he usually was during these times. 

Sure enough, I spotted his figure in the middle of the crowd, holding his training sword out in front of him in a fighting stance.

“Oh, before I forget,” my father began, laying out the last piece of rope out on the table. “Alvin was goin’ t’ bring Karla over again today, to train with ya. He said t’ be ready at midday.”

Midday… this really was going to be a slow morning. As my porridge started to bubble, I lifted it off the hook above the fireplace, bringing it over to the bench to let it cool. What was I going to do for the rest of the morning?

...And was she going to ask me to transform before we started training?

I still didn’t have any control over my transformations. I couldn’t figure out what caused them to happen, if there was a way for me to transform at will… and if there was any way for me to stop them from happening.

“Oh, an’ be sure t’ be back by curfew.”

Wait, curfew? I glanced over towards my father.

“Did Karla not tell you? Mercs came ‘round to everyone sayin’ they’re puttin’ in a curfew,” he clarified as I stared at him. “Everyone needs t’ be home by sundown in case the monster shows up.”

That was news to me. Though, knowing what the guys in the village were like… it definitely made sense. With how much they all idolised the mercenaries, I wouldn’t have been surprised if one of them went off in the middle of the night when no one was looking, just to try to slay the monster. 

They all seemed so hotheaded.

For me, though, the curfew definitely posed a potential issue. I still had no way to control my transformations. Because of that, I’d been stuck after yesterday’s training session waiting for it to wear off. If training ran late, and I was still transformed when the sun went down, what would I do?

I couldn’t exactly go home while I was transformed, since my father would see me. And if I couldn’t go home, I’d have to go somewhere else, since the mercenaries would likely be patrolling around to make sure no one was breaking curfew. 

Karla had already found out about me. I didn’t want anyone else to.

Was there something in common that the times I had transformed all shared? If I could figure that out, there was a chance I’d be able to gain some control over when they happened. I thought back to the various times I had transformed over the past few days.

Aside from during dreams, there had only been a few times it had actually happened. The first was during the encounter with the monster, when Alvin had been attacked by it. The second was when I was with Colette, when I had been wondering… what it would be like if I really was... well, a girl, like that other form.

My face flushed as I recalled what happened. If anyone else knew I was thinking about that… I desperately pushed it out of my mind. I had already transformed once because of that. If I transformed again, especially right here in front of my father… I had no idea how he would react.

Stubbornly trying to ignore the feelings from this morning that had started bubbling up again, I focused on the warm porridge that was sitting in front of me.

I had to figure out what was causing me to transform.

Throughout all of the times that it had happened, there had been one thing in common. They were all times that I was very emotional. Whether from Alvin being attacked, or me being scared while sparring with Karla, or… the kinds of things I was thinking about this morning… they all had some kind of strong emotion attached to them.

...Was it really that simple?

Was all I had to do to avoid transforming just… keep my emotions steady?

On the other hand, though… if it really was because of that, then was there any way for me to induce a transformation at will? Early on, when I had first started transforming, I’d noticed what felt like fire buzzing around inside my body whenever it happened.

Though it never hurt like real fire would. It was just a strange, warm sensation.

The actual transformations themselves had been far too sudden, however. It was obvious when I transformed back, because my senses were dulled almost in an instant. My hearing, my vision — or how sensitive my eyes were to the bright light of the sun, at least — it felt like a blanket was thrown over them every time I changed back.

Honestly thinking about it, those were the most difficult things to get used to, with my transformation. Sounds that I’d normally have no trouble listening to were suddenly unpleasant, and made me flinch. And I had to spend more time in the shade, rather than working out in the sunlight.

As for my body itself though, it just felt… natural.

And that was what was weird about it. I was so different, and yet… it didn’t feel out of place at all.

Regardless, if something did end up happening, at least I knew how to change back. All of my transformations seemed to be from heightened emotions, so all I’d have to do is calm myself down, right?

After I finished my porridge, I brought the bowl over to the water barrel and rinsed it out. I still had a lot of time before Karla and Alvin would show up for training, so what was I going to do? Staying in the kitchen wasn’t an option, since I didn’t want to sit around my father all day.

At that moment, a pleasant breeze blew in through the open window. 

That was it. If I went out into the forest, I’d have some time to myself. The weather was very nice, and a gentle warmth radiated from where the sunlight streamed in through the window.

Although, Karla and Alvin apparently said that they were going to pick me up from here for training. They were most likely still in the centre of the village, sparring and training with everyone. 

“Hey, Dad? What are your plans for today?” I asked. It was worth a shot, right?

“I’ve still gotta fix these traps, so I’ll be here all day. These need t’ be set up at dusk.”

Perfect.

“I’m heading out, then.” Leaving my cleaned bowl out to dry, I bounded to the door. “When Alvin and Karla show up, could you tell them that I’m at where we were yesterday?”

“Sure,” my father replied.

Quickly washing my face in the bathroom, I rushed around the house, getting everything I needed for the day’s training. 

I liked the forest. Especially right now, in the spring. Flowers bloomed in the gaps between the trees where the sunlight shone down. The grass was soft, and felt good to lie on. And as long as you were far enough away from the village, the only sounds you heard were the rustling of leaves in the wind, and the occasionally skittering of nearby animals.

I filled up two pouches of water — since one wasn’t quite enough last time — and grabbed the two wooden daggers that I had used yesterday. 

“I’m heading out,” I called out, passing by the kitchen door.

Today seemed like it was going to be a good day. Moving around the kitchen to make food had been good for working out the rest of the muscle stiffness from yesterday, and as a result I was feeling really good. I hummed a song as I left the house, an old lullaby that Colette had sung for me when I was little.

And the moment I stepped out into the sunlight, everything suddenly got a lot louder.

The shifting of my sense of balance told me what had happened. I had transformed right outside my house. 

No one could see me, right? A quick glance around showed that there wasn’t anyone nearby. Everyone was likely still in the centre of the village, which was in a different direction.

I was just out of line of sight from the kitchen door, too. As long as I didn’t loiter around here, I was in the clear. Just as I was about to run off, however, I heard a loud sigh coming from the kitchen.

Was I seen? I hurried around out of view from the door, towards the forest behind the house. 

He didn’t seem to be following me. Or at least, I couldn’t hear any thunderous footsteps through the walls. Instead, I only heard the faint... muttering of my father, seemingly talking to himself.

“If he’s already fought a monster, it might not be long now…”

What was that supposed to mean? I ran off into the forest, his words echoing in my head.

*     *     *     *     *

Compared to yesterday’s training session, today’s was much less eventful. Karla and Alvin found me shortly after the sun reached its peak in the sky, though we didn’t launch right into training immediately. The two of them were dripping with sweat as they arrived, saying that they had just finished an intense sparring session.

While I had been intending to use my time alone to experiment with my transformation, seeing if I could control it at will, it ended up happening much earlier than I had anticipated. As a result, I spent most of the time relaxing in the forest, occasionally stretching as I waited.

Rather than the sparring we had done yesterday, Karla instead decided to go through some simple training drills with me. Practicing motions, certain methods to block different types of weapons, and so forth. 

She seemed pleasantly surprised to see me already in my other form, saying “I was planning on trying to surprise you into changing, if you hadn’t already.”

What was it about me that she found so interesting? It was like I was a toy, just something to play with.

Alvin, on the other hand, didn’t seem to be paying much attention to the two of us. He spent most of our training session standing off to the side, doing his own sword practice.

Partway through our training session, I had realised something that I was very much not expecting, after the kinds of experiences I’d had when my father was trying to train me to fight.

I was actually having fun.

My father’s insistence on strength had made his training sessions very grueling — grueling enough that I would often run away, which had eventually led to him completely giving up on trying to train me.

In comparison, Karla’s style of fighting was much more about agility and coordination, which I could handle much more easily than brute strength. It didn’t feel unpleasant, like trying to lift hardwood weights did. It felt almost… freeing, getting to move my body like that.

As a result, I only noticed how long we had been training when the sun began to drop behind the nearby mountains.

The forest always got dark very quickly as the sun set, so as soon as the light started to fade, we halted our training. I tucked the two practice swords into my belt, and grabbed the two empty pouches of water I had brought, ready to head back home.

“You got everythin’ you brought?” Alvin asked, picking up his own belongings and gathering them together.

“Yep,” I replied. “I just need to wait for the transformation to wear off, so I can head home.”

I sat down, laying my things just next to me and leaning back against a tree, a smile tugging against my lips.

Today had been a good day. The clear weather had continued through the entire day, and the shade of the trees provided a very pleasant reprieve from the warmth of the sun. Since I was out of the village the whole time, I didn’t have to deal with any of the other guys, hounding me for being scrawny. 

As stressful as training was yesterday, today had been quite a lot of fun. The prospect of getting home and having a good meal after all the work I had done, along with washing off all the sweat, seemed quite appealing. I sat back, closed my eyes, and waited for the transformation to revert.

It didn’t.

Even as the forest grew more and more dim, the fluffy tail that I had laid next to me was still there. My night vision was still sharper than normal, and the sounds of the night insects had been slowly getting louder, almost painfully so.

“Hey, we need to go,” Karla said, looking down at me. “The sun’s almost completely down.”

“I know.” I tried to block out her voice and push down the rising panic. I needed to be calm in order to transform back. My transformations into this form were caused by me being emotional, so as long as I was able to calm down, I’d be able to change back, right?

But what if it didn’t work like that?

What if I couldn’t change back? 

What would I do?

“Wait, I gotta run!” Alvin suddenly exclaimed, startling me.

“What’s up, Al?”

“The pouches I borrowed, I need to return them.” He waved the empty water pouches in question towards the mercenary, then turned towards the village, only looking back at me to ask, “Will you two be fine on your own?”

“It’s okay, I’ll stay with her,” Karla replied, glancing towards me as well.

“I’ll see you two later, then.” Alvin sprinted off, leaving the two of us in the forest as the sun began to set behind the mountains.

The mercenary spun around suddenly and then plopped down against the tree to my side, setting me just a bit more on edge.

The silence that formed in Alvin’s wake seemed to stretch on forever, only broken by the rustling of nearby leaves and the painfully-loud chirping of night insects. And still we waited, and waited, the churning in my gut only increasing with every moment that passed.

I couldn’t calm down.

“We…” Karla squatted in front of me, staring at me with concern in her eyes. “We need to go. The other mercs are going to start their patrols soon.”

“I can’t, I need to change back first.” I looked away, still struggling to control my breathing, and consequently, my emotions. “I can’t let my father see me like this.”

“Is there anywhere else you could go?”

“I could…” I trailed off.

If I didn’t change back, where could I go? I wouldn’t be able to go back home, obviously, and I didn’t want to stay with the mercenaries, letting them find out about this form and its… not-quite-human aspects. That only left one place I could stay — I just had to hope that I could somehow explain to her what was going on.

“I could go to Colette’s place.”

“Lead me there, then.” Karla stood upright, rummaging through the bundle of things she had brought to training. “I’ll go with you. If anyone asks why you’re still out, I’ll be able to cover for you. Although…”

She pulled out a piece of fabric from her belongings, unfolding it and handing it to me.

“I brought this out of habit, in case it started to rain, but there wasn’t a need for it.”

A cloak? I quickly wrapped it around my body, fastening the clip at the neck and pulling the hood up over my head.

“In case anyone sees your ears and tail,” Karla added. “It’s dark, so we should be fine, but if you’re this worried about people seeing you then it’s better to be safe.”

“Thanks,” I swallowed nervously. “Follow me.”

We rushed through the village as the light continued to disappear, making it to Colette’s house just as the sun vanished behind the mountains. I reached up, getting ready to knock on her door, when I hesitated.

How was I going to explain this?

I looked at least somewhat similar to how I did before, but… was that really enough? The shape of my body was different, my voice was completely different, and on top of all that, I had fluffy ears and a tail. I pulled my hood further forward, feeling it press my ears down flat.

“We don’t have time for this.” Karla reached past me, knocking loudly on Colette’s door. “I need to be back in time to start my patrol.”

“Wait, I’m not…” My protests were interrupted as I heard the sounds of someone approaching from beyond the door, blood rushing to my head as my panicked, deafening heartbeat synced up with the reverberating steps. 

I didn’t have any kind of plan. What was I going to say?! If I just explained what happened, she would let me stay here... wouldn’t she? 

Would she?

The door slowly opened, revealing Colette standing just inside. Her gaze flicked between Karla and I, before settling on me, and the red hair that had started dangling in front of my face as I pulled the hood of the cloak forwards to hide my ears.

Her eyes went wide, and she spoke a single word.

“...Fenne?”

My ears flicked upright, throwing the hood completely off my head.