Dial H for Heroics

Jack walked at the back of the group, one hand holding one of Elaine’s. He smiled as

the girls grilled Thad about his intentions. He tried to answer their questions, but

glared at Alicia when she asked if he was going to wear a raccoon on his head

forever.

Emily fell back to walk with the older adults, shaking her head at the assemblage.

“Why are you such a troublemaker?,” she asked Jack. He grinned back.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” he said. “I am a simple magical

technological entrepreneur who specializes in fixing broken archaic machinery.”

“How do you put up with this loon, Elaine?,” Emily asked. She gestured at the loon

in question.

“I ignore most things that aren’t an actual physical danger at the moment, and allow

him to do things that make me happy in the privacy of our chambers,” said Elaine.

“Occasionally I advise him not to do things that other people will regret.”

“And the kids love me,” said Jack.

“What am I going to do about this courting by my brother while I am supposed to be

guarding the princess?,” asked Emily.

“If I were you, I would start with where Case has his hands,” said Jack. “And work

my way out.”

“We’re going to talk about this no matter the distraction,” said Emily. She picked up

speed and closed on Case. He didn’t have time to look up before she had grabbed him

by the neck, and asking him what did he think he was doing.

“I’m glad she’s not one of my sisters,” said Jack lightly.

“I think we need to break this up so our love birds don’t make Emily do something

they will regret,” said Elaine.

“I have a plan,” said Jack.

“Let’s see it,” said Elaine.

“Everybody,” said Jack. He waved to attract their attention, and get them to pause

their walking. “We’re going to split up. Beatrice, Laura, Caroline, Emily, Matilda,

Melanie, you are on book patrol. Concentrate on history, cooking, and some leisure

reading. Elaine has the money for that. Budd, Case, Angelica, and Alicia, you come

with us to the market to get supplies. We’ll meet back at the Hole in the Wall. How

long should we give them, Elaine?”

“I think two hours should be good enough,” said Elaine. She pulled her change purse

and notebook from the belt of her dress. She shook out fifty silver, and handed that

to Beatrice. She wrote down the amount, then placed her things back in place.

Case opened his mouth to beg to go with his newfound girl. Jack held up a hand to

stop any whining.

“Josie will be glad to handle any complaints,” said Jack. “But since I am here, and I

plan to get my ice cream, and enjoy my day, and maybe enjoy my night too, I think

now is when you learn the value of not being into each other’s business when you

can’t be in each other’s business. I expect that you honor this so things can proceed

at a much more rapid pace and you can talk to your girl at dinner.”

“Will this count as one of our supervised dates?,” asked Case.

Jack grinned at him.

“I respect a brave man, but there is a limit on when bravery becomes stupidity,” said

Jack. “You are almost at the line. Go get us a cart.”

Case looked at him.

“Cart for the groceries,” said Jack. He waved his hand. “Go get one.”

“Come on, Case,” said Thad. “You’re making a bad impression. We’ll talk about this

while we get the cart.”

“Ladies,” said Jack. “If you need a cart, don’t hesitate to get one. We’ll see you when

we get home.”

Beatrice shook her head. She and Laura started floating the girls down the street,

consulting with Matilda about where they should go.

“All right,” said Jack. “Let’s get my ice cream while we are waiting for the trouble

twins to come back.”

“Bah,” said Alicia.

“Problems, Number Two?,” said Jack. He expected a short list. Alicia’s cup had said

To The Point after all.

“Case is nothing but trouble,” said Alicia. “His brain is full of mush.”

“That is a short but valuable analysis,” said Jack. “I like the concise and neat turn of

phrase.”

“Don’t make fun of me,” said Alicia. She glared at him.

Jack wondered where the anger was coming from. Alicia was the most stoic person

he had ever met. He decided that maybe she was mad at Case, and didn’t care about

not spreading it around.

“Do you need a hug?,” Jack asked.

“No,” said Alicia. She turned her face away.

“Mad about the ice cream?,” said Jack.

“Yes,” said Alicia. “I am.”

“Blaming Case?,” asked Jack.

“Maybe,” said Alicia.

“There’s no point in blaming Case,” said Jack. “You guys just aren’t good enough

without powers yet. You’ll get there.”

“I want to be there now,” said Alicia.

“And then what?,” asked Jack. “You just keep trying to beat the next guy in your

way?”

“That’s what I want,” said Alicia. She turned her gaze on Jack. “I want to be the best

fighter in the world.”

“Why?,” asked Jack.

“So I can save people too,” said Alicia.

“There are lots of ways to help people without being a fighter,” said Jack. “Have you

thought about any of those?”

“Yes,” said Alicia.

“Wouldn’t you want to try one of those first before going all in on fighting?,” asked

Jack.

“No good with any of them,” said Alicia.

“You could learn some of them,” said Jack.

“Fighting is all I know,” said Alicia. “The schoolwork is hard for me.”

“If you want to go into adventuring, you’ll have to learn skills,” said Jack. “I guess

I can take you camping to see how well you do.”

“Beatrice and Laura also want to be adventurers,” said Elaine. “Beatrice wants to

study and pass the licensing test.”

“So at the very least, there is going to be a written exam,” said Jack. “It’s on you to

learn enough to pass it, Number Two.”

“What about you, Angelica?,” said Elaine.

“I’m good enough to just be the best cook in the world,” said Angelica. “Without

singing cakes.”

“If you don’t have singing cakes, how will you fight the killer tomatoes?,” asked

Jack.

“I will be fine without dealing with living food,” said Angelica.

Thad and Case arrived with their rented cart. Case smiled from the bench.

“All right, Alicia,” said Jack. “Ride on the bench and ask Thad what you need to be

an adventurer. He’s Eric’s assistant. He should know if anyone does. The rest of us

will ride in the back.”

“You’ll help me?,” asked Alicia.

“Yes,” said Jack. “Elaine and I will help with anything.”

Alicia reached up but couldn’t reach the bench to pull herself to the seat. Jack

grabbed her waist and lifted her so she could sit on the bench. She settled in between

Case and Thad.

Jack helped Elaine and Angelica into the back of the cart before climbing in himself.

He settled next to Elaine with his back to a sidewall.

“Take us to the market, Thad,” said Jack. “We’re ready.”

Alicia plied the two adventurers for information. She absorbed what they told her,

evaluating it. She asked about the tests, and what she would have to do. The Guild

believed that adventurers should be able to live off the land, exercise good judgement

and be ready to fight if they had to do that when things went bad. The two of them

thought she had the fighting part down, and with some age and experience, she would

be unbeatable by other fighters.

Alicia thought about that. She looked at her hand. Could she be unbeatable?

She needed to ask Jack if he could help her with that. She looked over her shoulder.

The loon looked like he was napping with his head on Elaine’s shoulder. She turned

to face the front.

The adventurers exchanged tales with Alicia. She didn’t have much to say about

herself. They told her about some of the things they had done, and about other groups

raiding in the countryside. She told them how Josie had rescued them from being

chained to the walls in the Hole in the Wall when it was a dungeon and not their

home.

The adventurers frowned at the information even though they had seen part of it in

Shemmaria.

Thad guided the cart into the edge of the market. He pulled the horse up and set the

brake on the wheel.

“We’re here,” he said, looking over his shoulder.

“All right,” said Jack. “You guys get the stuff. I’ll watch the cart. We still have an

hour and forty five minutes before we have to meet the girls.”

“I don’t know anything about buying food,” said Case. “Comp and Lou are the expert

cooks in our party.”

“I’ll show you how to do the shopping part,” said Angelica. “I’ll need you to carry

everything back here to the cart.”

“You’ll show us?,” asked Case.

“Yes,” said Angelica. “When you’re the king, you are going to have to know this so

you can tell when your cooks are paying themselves instead of getting good food for

the pot.”

“You expect him to be the king?,” asked Thad. “Why?”

“Because he is a pudding head, and easily manipulated by women,” said Alicia.

Jack winced at that. On the other hand, it was exactly the type of thing Alicia would

say in her nonjudgmental, neutral way. He couldn’t even disagree with the

pronouncement.

“A pudding head?,” said Thad. He grinned at the other man.

“Exactly,” said Alicia.

Jack frowned. He needed to cheer Alicia up and bring her out of this mood. His

inclination was to rub it in about the ice cream. He scratched his scar in thought.

“You guys can call Case names later with the provision that you remember he is

going to be your ruler one day if he and Caroline can work things out,” said Jack.

“Calling the future king a pudding head might not be the brightest thing to do,

definitely not the nicest.”

“He’s right, Alicia,” said Angelica. “You shouldn’t call names because you are mad

at losing.”

“I know,” said Alicia. She turned her mask of a face to her adopted sister. “I can’t

help it.”

“You can’t win every fight,” said Thad. “That’s something that you will learn when

you get older.”

“I want to,” said Alicia. She held up her hand again.

“Let’s get the shopping done,” said Angelica. “I need to practice on this stove, and

we have to serve a lot of people.”

Jack noticed that Angelica didn’t have a singing cake on her shirt as she turned to

start walking the market. She had crossed knives like the bones of the Jolly Roger.

She didn’t have a skull so she wasn’t a pirate yet.

Maybe fish would be good practice for her.

He waited quietly on the bench of the cart. He spotted Elaine walking around at

several points. He should have gone with them. He held himself to the bench.

No one wanted someone in their business every time they were doing something. If

Elaine, or the kids, needed him, they would call. Then he would turn into Captain

America and clear the crowd as fast as possible.

The group rapidly filled the cart with boxes of fruits and vegetables. Thad and Elaine

had secured some dead birds and a small piglet that would need to be disassembled.

“Jack,” said Elaine. “Take the cart down to the edge of the market. I want to get a

dessert for us. Then we can head back.”

“Okay,” said Jack. He pulled the brake, and asked the horses to go forward. He

nodded as they ambled through the crowd, trying to avoid stepping on anyone.

Thad and Case walked on either side, watching the crowd. He didn’t know if that was

habit, or if they had seen something out of place and was getting ready for it.

Elaine and the girls mounted on the back of the cart. They sat with their feet dangling

off the wagon.

They found the place Elaine wanted. She hopped off the cart and walked inside the

tent set up as a store. An exchange of money got three pies to be added to the rest of

their takings.

Jack directed the cart toward the Hole in the Wall as soon as she was on the back of

the cart again.

“The girls are probably already at the Hole in the Wall,” said Jack. “I wonder what

they got for us.”

“Will the information inside the books be worth it?,” asked Elaine.

“Only if it teaches Angelica more recipes for meals,” said Jack. “Let’s get this stored

up before the queen gets here.”

“I forgot she was here visiting Caroline,” said Case.

“Her?,” said Jack. “No, I’m talking about Josie. We need to get ready before she is

tempted to do something to you guys.”

“Basted up like a chicken,” said Angelica.

“Don’t scare them,” said Jack. “I can’t wait until Josie learns she might have a

brother-in-law.”

“I am sure she won’t punch a hole in Thad’s head,” said Elaine.

“How fast can you run?,” asked Jack. “I might need to know that later.”

“I’m sure I will have more room for tolerance than Case,” said Thad. “Madam Fox

will not kill me because I am trying to court Beatrice.”

“I like your confidence,” said Jack. “It reminds me of me before I went into the Army.

I was so young and carefree. I didn’t really know about stray free fire, civilian

casualties, the effect of burning metal in the air.”

Jack sighed.

“Those were the days,” said Jack. “Good luck, buddy. Don’t look her in the eyes. She

can sense fear.”