Crimson Instinct

*Xin Lei*

Bai Li and I booked a room in a nearby small hotel to freshen up before we leave for Langfang.

I came out of the shower and found that Bai Li was lying on the bed, his eyes closed.

I slowly climbed on the bed, too, and lied beside him. But Bai Li didn't react at all.

I typed. "You remember that we have to talk, right?"

I noticed the slight change in his expression. The lines on his forehead creased for just a second, but I caught it.

I scooted a little closer to him. I typed. "Bai Li, I know that you are not the type of man to hide your emotions. You like things blunt and straightforward, just like me. So why are you doing this now?"

Bai Li let out a sigh. He turned on his side towards me. It suddenly felt so warm and comfortable.

I typed. "Just tell me whatever it is. I want to know everything how you feel."

Bai Li waited for a moment and then slowly said, "It struck me that I am useless."

I smacked on his forehead. He really could make people go crazy either with his bluntness or like now when he was deprecating himself.

"No Xin, Lei. It's the truth. I felt so stupid when I let you go near Liao Huifang when she attacked you. I wasn't careful. And we didn't know who she was. What if she was an enemy? What if she could have really hurt you?"

I frowned. I typed. "Bai Li. She jumped in front of the car. What else were we supposed to do? We couldn't have assumed that she was an enemy and let her be like that lying on the road."

"But still…"

I pressed his chest and typed again. "She could have been very well an actual victim. Would you have forgiven yourself if she really had been hurt and died because we didn't check on her?"

He said nothing.

I sighed. I cupped his cheek and brushed my finger through his hair at the back.

Bai Li slowly kept his hand above mine.

I typed. "Bai Li. Why are you so quick to blame yourself?"

"Because it reminded me of what happened outside Micro Pub that day. You were a hostage once again, and I was helpless once again too."

I typed. "I am never in danger when you are at my side Bai Li. And you are not helpless. It's…"

I didn't want to hurt Bai Li by saying this, but now it was time to make him face his fears. Lin Zihao told me how PTSD was his nemesis.

I typed. "Bai Li. I understand that it is hard to accept it, but now you must have also realized that you get anxiety attacks. You are not weak. You let the anxiety get the best of you. That is what clouds your judgment. That is what blocks your senses, and that is what fails your hard training."

My heart ached to see him tired and lost. It felt as if he was finally giving up on running away from it.

I typed again. "Tell me the truth, Bai Li. You didn't get fully cured of PTSD, right?"

I mingled my fingers through his.

With his other hand, Bai Li felt his way to my face. His hand that could squeeze the life out of someone felt so fragile at the moment.

"Five years back, when I woke up to see pitch black darkness in front of me, I didn't even realize for a long time that I had lost my sight. For exactly four hours and fifty-three minutes, I kept on asking the same question to the doctor. 'Why can I not see anything?'"

Bai Li faintly smiled, but there was nothing but sorrow and pain.

"The doctor understood my dilemma. He was sensitive, but in the end, he had to knock the truth in me. 'Bai Li. Now listen carefully. I know you have realized it already. I know it's hard as hell, but you will have to face it now or at some other moment. You cannot see anymore.'"

I shut my eyes and let that tear slide out of me, which was threatening to fall out for a long time.

"I cannot see anymore. The truth hit me hard. The darkness around my eyes engulfed my heart too. Suddenly I felt so vulnerable. The colorful world then suddenly turned so black and void for me. I remember when I came term to the fact, I made a huge mess in my ward. I threw everything that I could get my hands on. I was paranoid. I didn't let anybody come near me because I thought that everybody wanted to attack me. Suddenly I had no idea if that person inside was going to shoot, or was it a dagger in his hand?"

It must be so hard for him. I really wished I could have been there with him at that time.

The moment of realization and acceptance is always the hardest time.

"At that time, there was Su Weiyuan with me. He tried to control me from going into a frenzy. He was the one who took care of me and tolerated the worst of my temper."

Bai Li was then silent.

"You know? I thought that perhaps the room was dark. There was nothing wrong with my eyes. So I got out of the bed. Su Weiyuan tried to stop me, but I shook him away. I fell as soon as I took my first step. I got up again, but no matter how much I kept on walking, it was still dark. I was asking the outsiders if it was bright, and they said yes. And I laughed at them for being so stupid."

He went on.

"It was still dark. How could they say that it was bright?"