Crimson Instinct

*Bai Li*

I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what I was saying. I was never that unsure of my skills before. I confidently promised Chu Jie that I would take him out of there.

But I failed him. I failed Xin Lei's trust in me too.

Strange huh? Just last night, I confessed my feelings to Xin Lei, and within a span of only sixteen hours, I already doubted our future.

It didn't matter to me if I tried my best to control the situation.

I failed. And that was it.

Everything spiraled out of my hands when I dodged that bullet, but that woman managed to free herself from me.

I lost Chu Jie and then Cocoa…

What else was I supposed to say?

I felt Xin Lei tighten her hug. I heard her stomp her foot. She started hitting on my chest, but they felt like soft feather punches to me. Then came the robotic voice. "You are an idiot! If you are not right for me, then I don't think anybody else is."

"I…"

She typed again. "You are not the strong and confident Bai Li I know and for whom I have feelings for."

I froze. She was right. This wasn't like me. I knew it, but I didn't know what to do about it.

When did it start?

Maybe from the time outside that Micro Pub when I just blacked out. Xin Lei was in danger, but I could do nothing.

No. It was even before that.

When my shot hit Tan Ye. When my bullet killed an innocent civilian.

That stain on my name and that guilt in my heart never allowed me to move forward.

I confidently said during my court-martial that I was sure of my shot. But in reality, I was shaken by the General's words that day.

"You are still suffering from PTSD."

All this time, I was just running away from that problem. I always considered that I had cured myself of it.

But that darkness wasn't just in my sight. It still lingered in my heart too. It felt as if a black hole was slowly sucking me completely inside it.

The anxiety was all too real.

No matter how much I trained hard, I couldn't let go of my fear of the unknown.

I cannot see.

And the helplessness gripped my heart - when a bullet would strike me next? And from which direction? Who will punch me in the next second, or who will stab me when I am just passing by?

"Xin Lei…" I whispered.

What do I say?

She slowly intertwined her left hand in mine. With her right, I felt her moving my other palm and fingers to make letters using ASL.

Your anxiety…

I stiffened.

Xin Lei quickened her pace as if she was worried I might get angry.

I couldn't blame her for thinking that. I had flipped out in the pub when I regained consciousness.

I mean well.

Please say out your feelings.

Something is bothering you.

I want to know.

I want to help.

Please.

Her fingers clasping softly on my shirt, her head resting on my chest, and her shaking hand in mine said and expressed how she really wanted me to share my pain with her.

I really wanted to as well but...

"Excuse me?"

Suddenly I heard one voice from my right. It was a woman.

"S-sorry!" I sensed her fumble.

Well, she might be embarrassed about seeing us hugging.

Xin Lei slowly stepped back, but she didn't let go of my hand.

I asked, "Who are you?"

"I am the nurse. I came to tell you that the cop, Duan Deming, is awake now. We have taken out the bullet. He wants to meet you."

I nodded. "Alright."

I heard her steps going away.

I said, "I should meet him. You...you should make arrangements to leave for Dongcheng."

I heard her type. "I am not going anywhere, Bai Li. I want to save Fu Meili, Chu Jie, and Cocoa too. I want to give justice to Liao Chuntao. And I want to be with you. Don't push me away."

I said nothing.

"This fight is mine as much as it is yours. So, there is no way in hell that I am backing out. And one more thing."

She paused for a few moments and typed again.

"Liao Huifang just said that neither she, me nor Duan Deming couldn't stop from what happened there. Stop blaming yourself for everything. Stop taking responsibility on yourself for everything."

"Chu Jie was so near yet I-"

Suddenly I felt a hand on my mouth, and I stopped talking.

I heard her tapping her fingers again. "This is the last time I am saying that it is not your fault. If you say that again, then I'll give you a tight slap."

"..."

She typed again. "And our conversation is not over yet. We will talk about it later. I will let Dad know that I am not coming back."

It was an ultimatum.

She was done, and I felt her hand pulling mine, walking me forward.

I sighed. Xin Lei was really stubborn.

Well...so was I too.

I heard her pulling the knob and then the sound of the door opening.

"Hey."

It was Duan Deming.

Xin Lei pulled my hand again, and we stopped at a spot.

I made out that Xin Lei was typing again.

"How is your injury now?"

He said, "Much better though it will be difficult to walk for a few days."

I said, "Good to hear you are fine."

Then I sensed him hesitating. Was it bad news?

"I am really sorry. My mind was on the man injured by your dog's attack, so I didn't sense when the other man pounced on me. I didn't realize it was a setup and the situation was actually the opposite. It was because of me that Chu Jie is in danger now."

I asked, "It's alright. You were just doing your job. Did the cops find the car anyway ahead in the path that she took? Or anything about Cocoa?"

There was a beat of silence. I felt that same weird feeling in my chest.

"The cops are still on it, but...until now, we haven't found them yet."