LIGHTNOVELONLINE 29: The Calm Preceeding, Somehow Unsteady
A new dawn rose and the wagon started to move again, prompting Kana to end her nightly meditations. It had been quite an exercise to maintain her concentration that whole time, again focused on many things in addition to chakra channeling, suppression, and disguise. At the very least, Fuzō seemed to rest very well. Her complexion improved substantially.
During some portions of the night, Kana was worried that she came close to inadvertently dispelling her disguise when she delved too deeply in thought.
Fortunately even if she had made such a mistake, the only one who could have seen it was Fuzō, who was thoroughly unconscious. Kana considered outright revealing her true appearance to the woman, for clarity about their apparent relation, but again deemed that it was not the right time.
Doing such a thing would undoubtedly confuse the already exhausted woman, and having to explain her appearance change... was just going to be a headache all around. And the discrepancies? Could she rely on Fuzō's silence? Maybe after she left the Yuka convoy? Even then, it was hard to tell for sure if that was safe. The less anyone knew about Kana the better, that much was her firm resolve.
But for some reason, that resolve.... now seemed to settle more uncomfortably than it had in the past, before she'd joined the convoy. It was not quite as easy to always hide everything, to rely solely on herself and her own power, as Kana imagined it would be.
This feeling continued to grow as the days passed again, one by one, Fuzō having yet to regain consciousness.
Fumio had made repeated inquiries about the two of them, to which Kana could only stall, providing cursory details. At most, she mentioned that Fuzō could be communicated with if kept calm and alone with Kana, but that the woman was suffering tremendously from hallucinations and had to rest just to stay alive. Fumio grew very quiet upon hearing that, and the inquiries diminished.
And so another unsteady care routine took shape, everyone now wary of slipping up and getting someone killed. It seemed some were even worried on Kana's behalf, namely Ryuu, though she only realized it after around a week. Ryuu had made a nice recovery, but was still visibly nervous around Kana and Fuzō. Understandable, but not a good sign.
Kana's presence and chakra channeling also seemed to allow Fuzō much more restful sleep, and when the routine medical checks revealed how much better she was healing, Fumio made the call to just... let the situation continue indefinitely.
The preternatural happenings unsettled many, and sooner or later Kana would have to start providing answers to assuage their worries, or at least lie convincingly. Something which she had doubts as to whether she could do effectively.
But all together, this left plenty of time for Kana to ponder and ruminate. Perhaps too much time.
In an effort to distract herself, Kana concentrated on refining how she controlled her chakra, trying to better figure out how to suppress its aura while simultaneously manipulating it in other ways. Her chakra-related multi-tasking gradually improved as a result, so she was no longer quite so concerned with keeping her concentration stable. On the other hand, her sense of unease only worsened as time went on.
As long as Fuzō's ailment prevented her from answering questions, Kana couldn't help but speculate and theorize on many things. Sometimes she would part a bit of the canvas covering the wagon and just watch the sky pass, lost in idle thought as she held Fuzō's hand. With that and her nocturnal reflections on her own feelings, time seemed to fly by much more quickly.
One of the main focuses where her mind had wandered this last week dealt with how to manage all of this.
Kana was growing alarmed at the rapid rate at which she was experiencing new sensations, new feelings, and new understandings that challenged her. Constantly she must question her own insights and reevaluate her decisions. In that regard, despite all that she had learned, it seemed like nothing had changed since her first days of freedom, particularly with regards to her feelings. And that was.... frustrating. An elusive frustrating feeling.
After all, Kana had killed before.
In life-or-death battles, albeit almost entirely in self-defense, Kana had killed - made critical choices without hesitation. Rather, the urgency of the situations never allowed her to hesitate. The world was not forgiving to the weak or the hesitant - that much was something she felt with conviction.
The world could and would throw her on the brink of death at any moment, that much she had come to expect. Kana held power at her command and she used it lethally, first against her captors and again against groups of warring shinobi.
Lives were brutally ended by her hand, and yet she was oddly at peace with that. She had killed them and looted their possessions to serve her own ends. Even with retrospect, Kana could and would do it again anytime she deemed it necessary. Despite the many things which caused her confusion, Kana had never truly doubted the necessity of possessing or using lethal force.
Kana valued herself now, placed herself first.
And yet, after her time interacting with non-hostile humans, Kana was forced to reconsider even these fundamental convictions. Or rather, she needed to expand the basis for these considerations past such simple scenarios. For it was also true that she had received aid for free, or in trade, from people who presumably meant her no harm. She had also encountered bystanders who had nothing at all to do with her.
These experiences invited a set of problems that Kana was previously unaware of.
So, what exactly would she be comfortable doing, and to whom? Why did she feel upset when certain people—when Fuzō suffered? Why did the problems of others sometimes cause her unease? Why was she both easily able and stubbornly unable to disregard other people? When she looked at other living beings, what was it that she truly saw?
Kana knew only her own suffering for the longest time, and had had no room in her heart to mind the suffering of others. And it was a forgone conclusion that anyone who sought to take Kana's life, imprison her, enslave her.... Kana would never give them an ounce of consideration. She would never submit herself to be another's mere tool, another's sacrifice! In such simple circumstances, Kana would act without mercy.
But Fuzō's plight had presented her with an aspect to this that Kana had never considered. Scenarios beyond fight-or-flight, where multiples parties were involved.
How was Kana to react when forced into uncomfortable choices? Wasn't fleeing if possible the best solution?
But what if that entailed leaving something valuable behind? Like a lead into her past, the best lead she could likely get? What was the answer then? Abandon everything, plunge herself into danger, or incapacitate everyone involved and sort it out herself? What if the answer was to take no action at all? Even with all the power available to her, if the consequence was only pain and failure, then what was the use? Her path forward never seemed so unclear.
These questions were ones Kana did not expect, and that worried her. The questions she considered that week brought about so much more doubt regarding people and relationships. Questions she felt she could not anticipate, or could only answer in the moment when they arose.
And Kana hated feeling unprepared.
As she watched Fuzō sleep with a peaceful look on her face, the woman's situation and Kana's relationship with her weighed at the forefront of her mind. Why was Kana so concerned with this? Was there something beyond the original reasons for why she had chosen to help Fuzō? What if helping Fuzō was putting Kana in danger? Rather, how much was Kana's visible ability to help putting her in danger? Observe, analyze, categorize, anticipate... over and over and over.
Nothing was as simple as 'Ally' or 'Enemy', was it? Was Fumio an ally now, an enemy tomorrow, or neither at all? Was it possible for people to know about her capabilities and remain ambivalent? How much could she trust anyone with, not knowing their reactions? Even unaffiliated bystanders may covet her power towards their own problems.
Just as she viewed most everything as a tool or opportunity to increase her chances of survival, Kana worried that others would regard her the same way. And worse, she worried others would be better at it. Did something have to change? Was this the reality of the world? How... daunting.
The way Kana currently understood herself was not the be-all and end-all of what she could or would need to be if she was going to survive and find her own happiness. She would have to change in ways she did not yet know, to grow in more aspects than just what she knew. Such a daunting thought for one so young.
And it was beyond her control for now. The introspection was going in circles. She needed more examples, more data, more understanding to come to conclusions. All while hiding herself.
Kana had always constantly scolded herself, knowing she needed to do better, work harder, improve faster... but even now it still wasn't enough.
There was more to consider. Strength was not something solely attributable to combat situations. Perseverance was not just withstanding wounds. This truth only revealed itself when she had something more than just her own life to lose. Losing something she wanted or... cared about was painful too.
That was a crux of her realization. Possessing something entailed some level of responsibility, some potential for pain.
And Kana didn't want to be in pain. She could tolerate it to some extent, but pain was antithetical to happiness.
Happiness, perhaps her greatest desire. What did it even feel like anymore, to be happy? What specifically did that mean? An end to such agonizing worries would surely suffice for a start. How Kana wished she could just will it so.
But Kana had a feeling... that she should at least try to learn to be strong in these other ways too. Strong of mind, strong of body, strong of heart. These categories applied to more than what she'd thought.
Seemingly every day, Kana saw new value, new characteristics of strength in others that she herself lacked. Kana had hope that her observations and study would help her learn these too, but not much faith. What was the answer? Did answers even exist?
Still, all of this reinforced the one conviction she took to heart most: To be happy, she must survive. To survive, she must be strong, have strength that entailed more than just power. Or perhaps it was rather... how power was applied that was most critical? Regardless, strength was an absolute requirement.
It was that fiery resolution that fueled her since her darkest days, her inner fire that awoke on the brink of death when even the flaming light of the sun was most hidden by darkness.
Kana's chakra, her whole being resonated with that conviction. Individual choices, decisions, and conclusions could and would have to be made in individual moments on the limited understandings available to her at the time, whether they end up as mistakes or not.
That was something Kana knew she must eventually come to terms with, no matter how much that unnerved her. She couldn't always be correct, be perfect, suffer no loss. But the heavens be damned if Kana wouldn't claw together every last advantage available to her... if it meant mitigating her mistakes and dictating her own fate! If it meant the happiness she coveted so dearly.
Though, was it even possible to master her own fate? Was that even worth thinking about, as she was now?
Perhaps it need not even matter, for to Kana, whatever strengths she could muster, she should. And recklessness was hardly going to be an advantage, so caution was still the rule of the day.
Everything with consideration, everything with deliberation. There was no need to rush. If she held herself in moderation, surely time would reveal the path forward. Her passionate will and desire would have to combine together with a healthy sense of discretion if it were ever to serve as her guiding light, her source of self-confidence. That much was as much as anyone could hope for.
Kana's unease lingered, but it was better than before. It would take time for her to trust this part of herself fully, to be confident in the decisions she made, but she would go on nonetheless.
Starting with the decisions she would make today.
With that Kana finally stood and opened her eyes. Peeking her head out of the cover, she put in a quick word to the wagon's driver to let Fumio know that she would meet with him soon.
This action brought about a brief distraction, for checking outside revealed two samurai engaging in a practice spar as the convoy gradually got moving again. A quick check of the sun's position in the gloomy grey morning sky revealed that it was about the time Kana normally observed their practice.
The reminder of which mildly disappointed Kana, who very much wanted to continuing developing her skills. It was unfortunate that she had to be so secretive, unable to practice much ninjutsu. At least her introduction to basic medical skills and kenjutsu were some consolation, something which she could practice within the confines of the wagon.
Perhaps this was a reminder to consider how, just because she nursed conflicting desires, it didn't mean she made an incorrect choice. Helping Fuzō personally was probably still the right choice, for the long run.
Returning inside, Kana's ears pricked, Fuzō's breathing indicating that the woman had awoken. That would change matters slightly, depending on what happened. Still, this was good. The timing was just a bit difficult.
When Fuzō's weary eyes opened, again Kana's face was the first sight she saw. Fully focused, Kana began again:
"Good morning. Shall we... speak once more?"