But… It’s me! The real Spider-Man!

"This is fucked up, man," wailed the mercenary sitting on the crate, dangling her little baby legs, "I haven't been fucked like that since grade school! You're just crazy! Don't you fucking move, or I'll blow your fucking head off! Bitch, I'd fuck you up, but I ain't got the legs yet!"

The last one was addressed to Stance, who was lying on the floor in the back of the truck that was slowly rolling down the road. As it was easy to guess, Deadpool and I were there, too. I couldn't show the mercenary around like that to people, and I wanted to keep her company to make sure she wasn't holding a grudge.

"We wouldn't have had to do this if you hadn't shot Bobby," I countered calmly.

"You could have just fed that bitch to the beast, we don't fucking need her anyway! We don't even have a place to put her! And now your girlfriend has a symbiote. I'm out of luck on all counts!"

"What the fuck do you want? You couldn't take Venom yourself like you said you would, so what the fuck do you want? We saved your wrinkled ass from Venom, and you shot Bobby in return!"

Someone banged on the back of the cabin, a muffled voice came out:

"Shut up, both of you, the cops are here!"

"That's great! At least that's some fun," Deadpool waved her gun menacingly, though it looked ridiculous in her tiny hands now, especially since she had to hold it with both hands at once.

"Don't even think about it, we'll figure it out without you! Hide the gun!" I shushed the mercenary.

Deadpool was humming a song as we pulled up to the post:

"Bad girls, bad girls

Whatcha gonna do?

What you gonna do when they come for you?"

Of course, we were stopped. Through a gap in the side of the body I looked at the situation. There were two policemen. Remarkably, one of them was a man. And this was the first real man I had ever met in this world. He was tall, with regular facial features and an athletic build, though he was a little overweight. Apparently he's been working out less lately. I'm sure he's got a lot of groupies, with his looks and his tough eyes. His partner was a black woman with a shaved skull. She headed for the back, and the man went to the driver's door.

"Good evening, Sergeant LaGuerta, this is Officer Doakes," the man introduced himself in a low, beautiful voice. "Please show me your documents."

Deadpoole raised the pistol shaking in her hands. As soon as the female cop emerged from behind the high sideboard, her shiny head would be in the mercenary's crosshairs.

I fired a simple webbing into the barrel, sticking it to the boards, and jumped over the side to get behind the woman, but I underestimated her. The gun was already in her hand, and she also noticed me and managed to point the barrel right in my face, but froze when she realized that she was facing an underage boy.

"Hey, what are you doing here, were you kidnapped? You were held by force?" she asked in a very rude manner, but she didn't put the gun down, though.

A real fucking professional! But then there was a high-pitched shriek on the other side of the car, and the officer was distracted - she took a couple of steps back and peered over the edge of the side. I quickly approached her and gave her a takedown. She only tried to defend herself at the last moment, but it was too late. After stunning the fallen woman, I went to see how Bobby was doing.

As I rounded the cab, I saw the cop on the ground crawling away from Bobby, who had let the symbiote out. His lips were shaking panically, and he was babbling hysterically.

"No, no, no, please don't, I don't want to die, please," Venom looked at me confused, not knowing what to do.

Yeah, well, Bobby's the driver now, and it's hard for her to hit a man in this condition. I walked resolutely toward the frightened man, causing another fit of fear. He broke into tears.

"No-o-o-o-o-o-o, please, it's my mom! She raised me like some kind of girl! She wanted to make a woman out of me, and I didn't want to be that! It wasn't a man's business! I just wanted to be a househusband like Daddy! Let go of me! I won't tell anybody."

This time I wasn't being petty, measuring my strength into a punch. This snot-nosed cretin managed to restore my faith in the men of this world in one minute and immediately ruin it.

Following Deadpool's instructions, we arrived at her shelter, which turned out to be an ordinary rented apartment, filled to the brim with garbage, food scraps, and weapons. By then the mercenary had grown legs strong enough to support her weight.

"Stop staring at my sexy ass!" she shouted, stepping inside first.

"You were staring?" Bobby looked at me in shock.

"What? No!" I said indignantly. "But did you notice that her arms and legs are quite normal until they grow out?"

"It's disgusting, Peter!" Bobbie exclaimed.

"Stupid, I wondered if there was any way to prevent her skin from turning into...what it turns into when it fully recovers!"

"Oh... okay, okay, sorry."

Once everyone, including the still-connected Stance, was in Deadpool's apartment, we began the meeting. The mercenary resented being left without a reward for capturing Venom. Surprisingly, she didn't suggest that Bobby part with the symbiote, and, as far as I could tell, she wasn't planning any aggressive action toward her. Maybe she has a conscience. The point of Deadpool's outrage was that she was demanding compensation for her expenses. I offered to let her keep Stans as a prize, but she flatly refused.

"Okay, okay, look," I interrupted Deadpool, "Bobby and I don't have enough money to compensate you for your expenses and your loss of the prize, even though I want to point out again that you had no chance of beating Venom."

"Boring!" Suddenly Deadpool declared and shot herself in the chin, splattering the contents of her skull box all over the ceiling and walls.

"Holy shit!" Bobby jumped up.

"Oh God," I rubbed the bridge of my nose, trying to suppress my irritation, "here's what I can offer you. You set up a lab for me, and we'll keep Stance there, and I already have some of the equipment..."

"Maybe I should suck your dick, too." Deadpool interjected, but I ignored her and pressed on:

"Also, you'll take over the security of this place, and in return," I paused, drawing attention, "I'll try to solve the problem with your appearance."

Deadpool froze, swallowing another witticism. For a full minute we could enjoy the silence.

"Are you serious? Because you'd better not joke about it!" I nodded, but the mercenary didn't notice and continued her speech. "You should think twice before promising something like this, you don't even realize how fucked up it is to go from sex bomb to fucking monster!"

"YES!" I shouted. "I understand how important this is to you, that's why I suggested it. It won't be easy and it won't be immediate, it might take a few years, but I'm sure - this problem can be solved. I can solve it. Think of it as a long-term contract — you work for me and you get your pretty face back as a reward."

"And my hair?"

"And your hair, too," I grinned.

"And no more masturbation?

"And no more... what the hell?! Anyway, is that a yes, or do I need to think about where to put the old terminator lady?"

"Of course I do! Give me your number and I'll call you when the place is ready."