LIGHTNOVELONLINE (Chpt. 1) Happy Memoir
“Leah… Don’t… leave me, please…” Cries, despair, hopelessness. Her sweet, yet sad voice resounded in my memories like an echo, one that was no longer there, and yet, it never seemed to fade away. A constant imprint in my mind, I couldn't see her eyes nor read her expression. I only saw her quivering lips and loose hair, and she mourned for me.
Why would she mourn for me? Who was she?
Almost as if it clicked inside of me, a simple thought. It was for the briefest second, but it struck me. Family. She was someone important to me. I felt sour, but I couldn't cry. It was all dark, all gone, an eternal abyss. I couldn't see, breathe, let alone smell. Simple emptiness. I was alone with my thoughts.
The girl's cries resounded in my mind, her grief and pain, her shaking hands. It was but a blur, and yet I was there. I could see my dainty hand at the edge of the hospital bed, the numerous apparatuses to keep me alive as my strength left me, but it was just that. A blur. Doctors? Nurses? None. Just me and her. Just me and my...
Sister. It was brief, but I could almost remember her. She was my sister and she mourned my death. Who was I to her? I almost had a feeling well up within my mind. Sadness? No, it wasn't that. It wasn't ugly, it didn't hurt me, it was. Love. I loved her, I wanted to be with her. It was but instinctual, yet I felt almost empty trying to remember.
Lilly, my sister. The one I failed, the one I— I paused. The one I— I?
I couldn't finish my thoughts. It wasn't that I was interrupted, but I just couldn't remember, it was a simple faint feeling. It was akin to pride, but for others? No, I wasn't proud of her in that way. I wanted to be something for her.
A knight in shining armor.
But, even remembering that, it left me with a bitter feeling. If I had a lip, I would've bitten it. I couldn't remember much, but... I remembered how I felt about my sister. I wanted to be something for her to look up to, a dependable older sibling, and yet I kicked the bucket and died. Why did I die? I couldn't remember, but it was more than obvious. Some type of illness.
I didn't feel good knowing I just left her there. But, it was like a residual feeling. I couldn't remember what she was to me. If I was being honest. It sucked. I could only think, yet my memories were a blur at best and fragmented at worst. It just left me with a single thought.
Who am I? No, it wasn't the right question either. I was Leah. The name was brief, but it resonated with me. Perhaps it didn't trigger exactly happy feelings, but it wasn't all sadness either. A treasurable name. It was my name, and my... fate.
My fate to die under a hospital bed, my fate to— My fate to never be someone to the sister I loved. I felt bitter simply thinking about the word.
And then it clicked in my memories, it was all fragmented but it all made sense.
The books I flipped the pages of, the view of the window to the sunset, the bitterness that I would encounter thinking about certain things. It was my fate to never be someone for my sister. It was my fate to simply be 'that'. Something that I couldn't control, something out of my grasp. It was just simply my fate.
I didn't want to die, not before being someone to her. To my sister, Lilly.
My mind wasn't willing to let go, to disappear into this abyss. I wasn't eroding but I was alone. If I stopped thinking, would it be true death? I didn't want to die... But was this really my fate to... simply... Die?
I refuse. I wasn't going to simply nod and then die, I wasn't simply going to wait for my demise. I didn't want to. I wanted to see her again. I wanted to be with her again. I wanted to see her smile.
* * *
I didn't know how long had passed. I was alone in the endless void, well not like I could see. But it was truly boring. I would browse through my memories every now and then, but alas— there were too many gaps. I couldn't even remember going to the bathroom once. Let alone remembering much of my sister. It made me sad. Sad to no end.
It was an instinctual feeling of love, I couldn't remember why I loved her.
It was... empty. I was but an empty husk of memories with feelings. It was all fragmented, but I could somewhat see my life behind the blur and somewhat make sense of it. I could almost remember a few facts about myself, how I read novels, how I played games, and how sometimes I would refuse to speak to my sister. I couldn't exactly remember the point of these events nor how these things developed. I was simply certain they happened. All I had was that voice.
“Leah… Don’t… leave me, please…” Every time I remembered I felt as if my mind was torn apart by guilt, by sadness, by disappointment. But even after all of this, even after remembering her, even after browsing my memories I was doubtful... Unsure.
My situation was... strange. I had long died, I was certain of that. But, I was alive. I was thinking... I couldn't help but think.
Was I really Leah? And If I am Leah, why can't I remember?
* * *
I didn’t know how much time had passed.
How long I had been thinking…
But eventually it all started fading…
I drifted to sleep.