LIGHTNOVELONLINE Spring and Cherry Blossoms
Spring and Cherry Blossoms
by oofcat
Premise Tags: Disability, School Life,
First Love, Confession,
Androgynous Elements (Unisex Name).
Content Warnings: VERY Slight NonSexual Dubcon
(contains innocent surprise "display of affection"
some people might consider dubcon while most won't).
.
Haru tried to calm his heartbeat. He could feel it pounding in his chest as it did everytime he sat under the cherry blossom tree behind the school. In his hands were a pair of beat up blue headphones that for some reason was still able to play music with no problems.
Haru was kind of scared that someday it will break for real. He had the headphones for almost two years now. He could buy another one, but the blue headphones had become special to him, replacing it was not up for debate. At least, he hoped, it would hang on for another week or two. As much as he wanted it to not break, sometimes the headphones didn’t want to play music. Those moments always made Haru panic, though most of the time it would play more music no problem the next day. He believed it was working fine these days but he hadn’t used it himself in months by now.
Haru’s fingers lightly touched the headphone cords. He hadn’t been waiting for long, but still, he hoped that he would arrive soon.
“Haru!”
Haru’s heart jumped as soon as he heard that voice. No matter how many times the voice had called out to him, it never failed to make his heart beat crazy. Like someone was passionately drumming on a pair of bongos in his chest cavity.
Beneath the scattering cherry blossom leaves, Haru could spot the figure he was waiting for. He wore the same school outfit but it looked better on him than it ever would on Haru’s lanky frame. Sakura had been Haru’s classmate while they were in their second grade. Haru wasn’t sure how they became close but here they were, meeting every lunch period to spend time together.
Though Sakura was his name, he was, without a doubt, male. His parents had thought that they were going to have a girl. Though after he was born, his parents realized that they in fact had a boy, they liked the name Sakura on a boy enough to keep it that way.
Sakura came closer, a big smile on his pretty face. Haru couldn’t keep his gaze off Sakura’s form. His smile, his bright brown eyes and his dark hair all appealed to Haru so much that he couldn’t help but blush.
How long has it been since he realized that he had fallen for Sakura. It seemed like he had been in love with him forever. Maybe it was only recently or it could be ever since their very first meeting. Whenever it maybe, he knew that he never loved someone as much as he loved Sakura. Be it his bright personality or his gentle demeanor, Haru loved them all.
“You’re spacing out.” Sakura said, his face coming in closer. His long fingers lightly touched Haru’s forehead.
Haru tried to not to blush. He smiled back at Sakura. “Sorry, I’m good now.”
Sakura laughed and sat next to Haru. “And I thought I was the partially deaf one.”
Haru laughed as well but his heart clenched at the words. Even though Sakura looked so bright outside, the boy was partially deaf. He couldn’t hear as well as others, even when talking in this quiet environment, Haru usually talked slower so Sakura could follow. He couldn’t hear very well when people called him from a certain distance. It wasn’t odd for people who didn’t know about his condition would think that Sakura was ignoring them when they called out to him. It made Haru angry when people talked about Sakura without knowing anything about him, but the person in question always waved it off like it was nothing.
“What song do you have for today, Haru?”
Haru returned to reality and looked at Sakura. He pulled out an MP3 player from his pocket and plugged in the headphone cords.
“Celebratory songs.” Haru grinned. “Graduation is here soon after all.”
Sakura took the headphones but didn’t put them on directly. He looked almost lonely and forlorn as he looked at the cherry blossom tree above them.
“Time moves so fast. I didn’t think that school would be over so soon.” Sakura said. Then with an almost lost look, he uttered, “I don’t know how I’m going to do it.”
Haru stared at Sakura, slightly surprised. He had always looked so put together and confident even with his disabilities, so hearing Sakura express his doubts was something Haru wasn’t used to. He would be lying if he said that he didn’t feel slightly happy that Sakura was willing to talk about his concerns.
He didn’t know how to comfort Sakura. He wasn’t used to him being doubtful. He looked at the MP3 player on his hands and the headphones of Sakura’s. He grabbed the headphones, ignoring Sakura’s confused look, and put the headphones on top of Sakura’s head. He scrolled through the playlist he had prepared and selected a song.
Sakura was still looking at him with a confused look. After a while, he then seemed to realize what Haru was trying to do and smiled. He closed his eyes and seemed to lose himself in the music Haru picked.
They’ve been doing this for almost two years now. Once a week, they would meet behind the school under the cherry blossom tree. Haru would prepare a playlist and Sakura would simply listen to his choice of music. Though he also didn’t know how this interaction started, like his feelings and the start of their friendship, he knew that he didn’t want it to end.
Soon they fell into silence. Sakura’s eyes were still closed and Haru leaned back against the tree and watched as petals scattered around from the tree and into the sky. The wind felt nice as it danced around them. Though it was pretty, soon, Haru found himself taking his eyes off the leaves and the trees. His gaze drifted to Sakura, as it always did. Sakura didn't seem to notice Haru's gaze on his face, he has never once did.
Some part of Haru felt sad about that. Though he rather Sakura not find out about his feelings, he was still a person in love that wanted the object of his love's attention.
Haru was sure that this get together between him and Sakura were just friend things, and Haru did think of it as one. As time went on and his feelings grew stronger, the meetups became a special moment where he could gaze at Sakura with no one to judge him. He could make up all sorts of scenarios where they were together, hold hands in secret or maybe even kiss. All of the desires that Haru felt deep inside him. It was probably wrong to secretly think of your friend like this, but he couldn't help it. He blamed it on the overwhelming love he felt, but maybe it was just all him and other people in love didn't do that sort of thing.
"I love you."
The words slipped out easily, as it always did. Since when did he start uttering his feelings like this? Sakura couldn't even hear him, and Haru was glad. Burdening his friend with his feelings wasn't something he wanted.
In his heart, he already decided that graduation was the time that he would reveal his feelings for real. They would be sitting down under this tree for the final time and he would utter the words with Sakura actually listening. Thinking about it now made his heart pound loudly.
He couldn't imagine what Sakura's reaction would be. He was a nice and gentle guy, so he would probably ease in the rejection. He hoped they could continue to be friends when that happened. A selfish wish, but Haru still hoped.
Suddenly, the bell for the school rang, signalling that lunch period was over and it was time for the students to get back to class.
Haru stopped the song and gently removed the headphones from Sakura's head. Sakura fixed his messy hair, got up, dusted off his pants and turned to Haru with a grin that was as lovely as ever.
“How was the music?”
Sakura nodded, still grinning. “It was lovely.”
✿✿✿
Before Haru knew it, several days had passed and the two of them continued on with their lives as they always did. Graduation day was so close, and Haru felt nervous but for him graduating was the last thing on his mind.
Ever since he had decided that graduation would be the day that Sakura knew of his feelings, he had thought about every kind of scenario that could possibly happen. The words he was going to say, how he was going to say it, the present that he would give to Sakura. All part of the plan in his mind.
He also had already steeled himself for the inevitable rejection that was about to come on his way.
It was probably strange for someone to be anticipating a rejection of their feelings, but Haru did. It was the only outcome he could see and thought of, he never once thought about getting accepted.
✿✿✿
Haru opened the door to his house. He had gone shopping a few hours ago and had come slightly earlier than predicted. He set down the groceries on the floor so he could take off his shoes then walked inside the house.
Heading into the kitchen, he realized that his sister and his mother were talking at the dining room table. Haru didn't pay much attention to them or their conversation since most of the time all they talked about was the neighbourhood gossip. He was in the middle of putting things away in the kitchen as he heard bits of things that his family was talking about.
"I heard the family that lives on that big house is moving away soon." his sister said.
His mother responded nonchalantly, as she always did while talking about gossip that didn't concern her or her circle of friends.
"I wonder who will live in that big house now, doesn't their son go to Haru's school."
Haru wondered who that person might be. He didn't know much of the people outside of his classmates, and he didn't exactly know the big house that his sister was talking about specifically. There were several in the town.
He did remember Sakura living in one, maybe he knew whose family his sister and mother were talking about.
"Poor boy, moving away right before his graduation ceremony. I heard he’s having a hard time with the move." His mother said, her voice sympathetic. "He's partially deaf isn't he?"
Haru's hands froze instantly. The can of peaches he was holding stopped right before entering the upper cabinet.
They couldn't possibly be talking about...
"His name was Sakura wasn't it?" His sister pondered. "Is he a boy? His name is -"
Just as the name slipped out of his sister's lips, the can he was holding dropped onto the floor, clanging as it did. The can was probably dented but all Haru could think about was Sakura moving away before graduation. Sakura leaving before Haru could tell him of his real feelings.
...
A part of him was relieved. Talking about his real feelings were scarier than most of the things he had ever done in his life. Sakura moving away would solve that, he didn't have to face his fears. He could live on like this and probably move on.
...
Something told him that he wouldn't. Something told him that leaving things like this without Sakura ever knowing wouldn't make things better. If anything, Haru felt that this would become a regret that he would never get over.
"Haru, are you okay?" His mother shouted, probably hearing the can he had dropped.
Haru came to his senses and picked up the can.
"I'm fine." He shouted back.
He was fine.
✿✿✿
Haru fell face first into his bed. It was comfortable but he didn't even notice. His thoughts were still on the topic of never seeing Sakura again. He needed to get it out of his head. Thinking about it for the entire day just made him feel...pathetic. As if there was nothing he could do. In reality, there really wasn’t.
He looked at the window of his bedroom and saw that it was starting to get dark. The orange glow of the sun was setting in, and soon darkness would completely take over.
In the back of his mind, Haru knew that this whole issue was nothing bad in the grand scheme of things. Just because they were apart, didn't mean that they couldn't keep in touch. He could maintain the friendship.
Then, being the negative person that he was, he mind drifted to his old classmates. The friends that he got along so well with and thought were going to his friends forever. He thought about how he hadn't even talked to them in so long even though they were in the same city. He just never cared enough to reach out to them.
That wouldn't happen with Sakura, right? He was more than just a friend. He meant so much more to him.
...
His own thoughts terrified him.
Staring at his beat up headphones again, Haru decided that he needed to get out for some air. Being inside with his thoughts suffocated him too much.
He grabbed his coat, the headphones, and his MP3 player before heading downstairs. He made up some bullshit about heading out to a friend's house so he could take a walk for a long time then left.
He probably should’ve brought his phone, but couldn’t be bothered to actually go back and get it.
Not having a destination in mind, Haru let his feet carry him as they will. He mindlessly looked at the red orange sky. It was a mix of turbulent colors that he felt described his feelings exactly. Though it was quite messy, he still found the colors to be beautiful and calming. There was where it differed.
Haru sighed and continued walking.
After roaming for some time, he realized that he was standing right beneath the cherry blossom tree that he and Sakura spent time at. Who knew thinking about the center of his turmoil would bring him straight to the destination.
Haru sighed and sat himself down.
He realized that he had never visited this place at this time before. The red and orange hue filtered through the trees, giving it an almost ethereal feel. Haru liked the atmosphere like this, but without Sakura it just wasn’t his favorite.
“Haru?”
Haru almost got a whiplash as he turned to look at the person that had been occupying his thoughts. Sakura was standing right there while holding a shopping bag. He was wearing casual clothes so he didn’t come from inside the school.
Haru wiped the sadness he was feeling and gave Sakura a smile. Sakura sat down next to him and laughed.
“Looks like we both have the same idea.” He said, eyes shining. “Why are you here?”
“Huh?” Haru laughed nervously. “I was just taking a walk and my legs carried me here.”
He cursed himself for being honest.
After that they fell into comfortable silence like they always did, but this time they didn’t have music standing between them.
Under the darkening sky and the nice gentle breeze of a spring day, Haru wanted to say it. Say the words and get rejected.
“I-”
He stopped himself. He thought about his mother’s words. About Sakura having a hard time moving away. If he confessed now, then wouldn’t that burden Sakura even more? That was the one thing that Haru never wanted to do. He desperately wanted to convey his feelings and his thoughts to Sakura, but right now...he just couldn’t. He didn’t want to make it hard for Sakura. Before and now, it remained the same. Hoping for rejection was the same. If Sakura rejected him and Haru assured him that the rejection wouldn’t damage their friendship, deep down Haru hoped that Sakura wouldn’t feel guilty, wouldn’t be pressured into having the same feelings.
That had always been Haru’s one and only hope.
For Sakura’s happiness.
That’s why right now, he couldn’t tell him his feelings. He didn’t dare too. So, he swallowed his words and smiled, hoping his anguish wouldn’t show.
“I wanted to share with you another song.” Haru finally said.
Sakura looked at the headphones in his hands. “You really like that headphone.”
In reality, he didn’t feel that attached to the object. He was more attached to the memories. The headphones and the music had been a big part of their friendship. It was the object of many great memories together.
Haru didn’t respond to Sakura’s comment and gave him the headphones.
“Let’s listen to the music you said you liked the most.”
Sakura seemed to enjoy that idea and let Haru pick the song.
On his MP3 player he chose the playlist containing songs Sakura said he liked. Haru had taken note of all the songs over the past two years and put them all in the playlist. Soon they were doing what they usually did. Sakura was listening to music and Haru was just enjoying the day. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine that they were just two students enjoying each other’s presence. No graduation looming over their heads, no separation in the near future.
Haru’s hands tightened on the music device. He wanted to give the MP3 player with all the songs as a confession gift at first, but now that the confession wasn’t going to happen...
“I love you.”
The words slipped out again. Before, letting the words out would lift some of the anxiety in Haru’s chest. It was almost therapeutic. Now… it just made him even sadder. He was deathly afraid of this relationship he had with Sakura to vanish because of the distance. Afraid of not being able to send Sakura away with a smile and words of reassurance.
“Haru.” The words that sounded sad and melancholic interrupted his thoughts.
Why was Sakura sad?
Haru looked up to see Sakura looking at him with a pained expression. He was smiling but it wasn’t a happy one. Haru’s eyes drifted towards Sakura’s hands and his heart instantly dropped.
An unattached chord of the headphones. The headphone wasn’t connected.
He looked down at the MP3 player and saw that the volume was set to 0, like he always did whenever he was home as to not let it blast loud music accidentally. There was never any music playing, Sakura wasn’t listening to music, then he...
Without another word, Haru got up on his feet and ran. He could hear Sakura yelling his name, but he didn’t stop.
He ran and ran and ran until his legs started to burn and his lungs ran out of air. His panicked mind could only think back to the things he had seen.
Sakura heard him. Sakura heard him. Sakura heard him.
Some distance away, Haru finally stopped, his legs and lungs suddenly not strong enough to carry him anymore. He could feel his eyes starting to prick with tears and he squatted down to hug his knees. Losing all the strength he had in him.
All that time holding himself back, it was all ruined from one careless act. He didn’t know how to face Sakura anymore. How was he supposed to? He recklessly confessed and ran away when he saw the pained look in Sakura’s face.
He felt awful. He felt sick.
It hurt so much.
Like his heart was burning.
As the tears leaked out, he realized something. He didn’t want rejection. All that time, he convinced himself he wanted the rejection. He didn’t want it. He was stupid to try and convince himself that it was okay.
He wanted to be happy with Sakura. He wanted to make Sakura happy. Someone who wanted rejection wouldn’t be imagining being happy with the person they loved like Haru always did. He realized that now. He wanted -
“Haru.”
Sakura had caught up to him. While he was in turmoil, he didn’t realize that Sakura had chased him. Haru didn’t turn around, but he was preparing himself to run again when…
“I knew.” Sakura said, gasping from running. “I knew how you felt.”
Haru slowly turned and stared at Sakura with wide eyes. He...knew?
Sakura caught the confusion in Haru’s face and scrambled to explain. “The headphones...they don’t work anymore Haru. It hasn’t been working for the last couple of months and...I heard you.”
“But how? Your hearing -”
Haru stopped when Sakura pulled back some of his hair to reveal his ears. At first he was confused but then realized that Sakura was showing him his hearing aids that were hidden under Sakura’s hair. They were dark in color so they easily blended into Sakura’s hair. He never noticed...when did Sakura get them?
Sakura continued speaking. “At first all I heard was mumbling then I got these hearing aids and I could hear you. What you were saying to me. I hear you.”
Haru didn’t know what to say or how to respond at all. He stood there, stiff, staring at Sakura with blank eyes. His brain tried to process what Sakura had just said.
…
His head felt light. He wanted to run away again. He had only thought about his feelings and how Sakura would respond to them, but now, facing it in reality, he found that it was scary.
“I’m sorry, I…” Haru could feel the tears now, they felt cold against his cheeks. “I didn’t...I wanted...I’m…”
Haru stopped and swallowed. He didn’t know how to feel and it was choking him. He didn’t know if he should just smile and say it was a joke, or say that it was just between friends. Looking at Sakura, he knew that those won’t work, but he wanted to say anything to get out of there. There was only one thing that he could do.
“Haru, I’m-”
“You can do it now.” Haru said, not looking at Sakura. “You can reject me now.”
Sakura fell silent. Haru could feel his burning gaze on the side of his face but he didn’t dare return the look. He didn’t want to see disgust or disappointment.
“Haru…” Sakura started. “Do you really love me?”
Haru took a deep breath and finally earned enough courage to stare at Sakura right into his eyes. He was scared, yes, but if he was going to confirm his feelings then he would do so in the bravest way he could.
“Yes, I do.” Haru said, laughing just a bit. He didn’t know why. “I don’t know since when, but I love you. I love you...so much.”
It took him all his efforts to not choke at the last sentence. He felt a bit of the weight slowly leave his shoulders. Not all of them were gone, but finally being able to say the words and have Sakura hear him made him glad.
Haru closed his eyes and smiled. He was ready for Sakura to reject him now.
He expected for the words to wash over him, but it didn’t happen. There was silence between them. None of them said anything. Confused, Haru opened his eyes. He didn’t expect Sakura to be crying as well.
He was slightly hunched down with his hands covering his face. Haru could hear slight sobs coming through Sakura’s lips. At the sight of them, Haru went into full on panic mode. Forgetting his own worries, he approached Sakura, wanting to comfort him.
Was it too much for him? Was he so disgusted that he didn’t even want to talk? Was he -
Suddenly, Sakura launched himself into Haru’s arms. His arms slowly encircled Haru’s neck, hugging so tightly that Haru almost couldn’t breathe. Haru was so confused. He couldn’t understand why Sakura was hugging him and not slapping him or something. Just as he was thinking about what to do, he felt it.
He felt the slight brush of lips against his. Sakura’s lips. It was gentle and light as a feather but it was there. Sakura kissed him…
Haru froze on the spot, his arms awkwardly circling Sakura’s body. His lips opening and closing like a fish gasping for oxygen. His hand slowly reached up and touched his lips, still tingling from Sakura’s kiss.
He looked down on Sakura’s face and saw that it was just as bright red as his own. Sakura pushed his head onto Haru’s chest, not wanting to embarrass himself further.
“I was so happy when you said you loved me.” Sakura said, laughing. His voice was slightly muffled by Haru’s shirt. “I thought I was dreaming, but it’s real. It’s really real.”
“Do you...like me?” Haru muttered. He figured he sounded like an idiot, but he didn’t care. The thought of Sakura possibly liking him...it excited him. It exhilarated him. It made him happy beyond belief.
“Yes!” Sakura exclaimed. “Even before we met, I was always looking at you. When we finally became friends, I was over the moon. I thought it was impossible but I wanted to at least confess at graduation.”
At graduation…? But…
“Aren’t you moving?” Haru asked, suddenly remembering that Sakura was supposed to move away.
Sakura blinked confusedly and looked at him. He seemed to think about then realized.
“Oh, that old hag.” Sakura said, almost uncharacteristically. “No, I’m not moving. The next door lady heard wrong. My sister is moving out soon for her job. Just my sister.”
Haru suddenly felt stupid and laughed. All that confusion, doubt and anxiety, all over something that wasn’t even true. Why didn’t he just ask Sakura about it instead of internalizing it all like an idiot.
Sakura grinned. “Were you sad when you thought I was leaving?”
Haru laughed again and hugged Sakura tighter. “Of course I was. I didn’t want to be apart from you.”
Sakura didn’t say anything back, he simply returned the tight hug.
After a while, Sakura suddenly seemed to remember something and shoved the shopping bag into Haru’s hands.
“For you.”
Under the darkening spring sky and the flower petals scattering in the gentle breeze, Haru stared at Sakura for a moment before opening the bag. His eyes widened when he saw what was inside.
A new pair of blue headphones.
✿
Author's Account:
