Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

“Excuse me?” I couldn’t believe my ears. This pint sized, over-moustached, propeller capped egghead said gunpowder was worthless? “Do you have the correct recipe?" I wanted to follow that up with ‘and did you do it right’, but figured now wasn’t the time. It was also possible that this was a high-pressure sales technique. I could feel my old business brain clicking into gear; I was a bit rusty, but skills honed for that long didn't disappear overnight. It did feel nice to be back in my element!

“Hmmm, well the recipe you gave Grim called for potassium nitrate, charcoal, and sulfur in a 75/12.5/12.5 ratio.” The gnome listed off the ingredients on his fingers. Opal and Diamond were chatting off to the side, and Grim was listening in on us. The other gnomes and dwarves were currently unpacking a bunch of machinery and barrels from the red wagon.

“That’s correct. We tested it and it worked out great.” I turned to Balin for approval and he just nodded stiffly.

“Well, we did too and it was barely worth our time.” The gnome adjusted his glasses and scoffed. “I’m afraid that we can’t give you much for it as is.”

“What happened? Can you explain? You can see from my colleague’s poor moustache that he suffered greatly when we did our test. We had a pretty big bang!” I pointed at Balin who turned white as a sheet. Sorry for putting you on the spot Balin.

“I see.” Copperpot leaned over and peered at Balin’s face. “Well, the problem was with the recipe you sent.”

“We used the exact same recipe you just told me, how was it a problem?”

“Well, that depends. Were you the one that came up with the formula?” He turned a predatory gaze my way.

I opened my mouth to go with the old standby, amnesia, and paused. This guy was super smart, like magically super smart. Lies weren’t going to work, so let’s go with half-truths. “I made my first batch a few weeks ago. The sulfur ignites the charcoal, and the potassium nitrate acts as a catalyst. The resulting burn happens so fast that it causes an explosion.” That was the most I could bullshit with my limited chemistry knowledge; I didn’t really know how gunpowder worked.

“Hmm..” He peered over his glasses, “Well that’s a rough approximation, I’m surprised you were able to come up with it. There is however, a problem.” He walked over to the carriage and beckoned me to follow. Grim came alongside, clearly interested in the proceedings. Balin stayed behind as we walked, and I hoped he hadn’t fainted on his feet. Engineer Copperpot beckoned to a young gnomess wearing a white smock-frock and leather apron as we approached. She had a bright, eager smile, and for a moment I was painfully reminded of my daughter. “Lillyweather, the gunpowder please.”

“Yes, Professor.” She nodded and went into the cart. She came out with a small red cask inscribed with white letters. I leaned over to read them; they were various symbols of skulls and flames and such.

“Are those WHMIS- I mean safety symbols?” I asked. They certainly had that look, “Wait! This is a cask full of gunpowder!” I took a step back as Copperpot carelessly handled the cask. “Be careful with that, a barrel of this stuff is a bomb! [Stabilize Mixture]!”

“You made this recipe and you can recognize hazardous material symbology? You must be trained, but your folder said you were a hapless drifter...” He pulled at his moustache. “I sent a message to the Capital Administration and they said your records are essentially nonexistent. No schooling, estranged from family, and recently arrived in Minnova. It also said you were suffering from amnesia, is that no longer the case?”

“No, I still can’t remember anything about my life in Crack from before I arrived in Minnova Prison Mine.” I shook my head sadly as I spoke another half-truth. “By the way, how should I address you? She called you Professor, and Doctor Opal mentioned something about a university?”

As we talked, Copperpot took us away from the group to a small rise. “Don’t worry too much about the powder, I had the [Alchemists] use [Stabilize Mixture] on it already. As to your question, Copperpot is fine. If we are going to work together, I’d prefer to avoid a situation where the extra seconds required to say ‘Engineering Professor Copperpot look out!’ results in a lost limb.” He winked at me.

Oho! The ‘serious but with a sense of humour’ type. I'd been worried Copperpot was one of those overbearing academic types, but this I could work with. Copperpot began to dump some black powder out of the small barrel. Instead of asking more questions I simply quietly observed, ensuring that Copperpot could see me absorbing everything he did. He smiled softly, and continued his work until there was a small mound. “Step back a bit.”

I took a couple large steps back and he laughed with a bit of a wheeze. “Hah! Not that far. You’ll see.” He pulled a small red-tinged stone out of his pocket. He tossed it towards the pile and muttered “[Safety Shield]”. We were suddenly surrounded by a translucent barrier as the red stone landed on the pile, and…

Not much happened. The pile sparked, then caught fire and was consumed with a gout of flame and billowing black smoke. It was more of a fwoosh than a bang. Grim’s voice came from right behind me and I almost jumped. “That’s not right. It made a big bang when Pete set it off before.”

“Yes, well that was because the recipe was wrong. Who purchased the charcoal?” Copperpot asked as the barrier fell away.

“I did.” Grim said. “Was there somethin wrong with it?”

“The opposite actually. I don’t think you realized because it’s so commonly used Grim, but you bought Fireash charcoal.” Copperpot held out an admonishing finger. “Pete could have been badly injured!”

“Ach, you’re right! I never even thought about it!” Grim smacked his hand against his helmet and it rang like a bell. “I’m sorry Pete.”

“Excuse me, what’s Fireash?” I asked, as they didn’t seem interested in expounding on it.

“It’s a Minnovan export.” Copperpot said, as he called over Lillyweather and handed her the small cask. “A tree monster in the dungeon that rapidly and furiously combusts if ignited. It’s where sparkvine comes from as well. If a Fireash corpse is properly treated, it can used to make charcoal that is famous for its powerful heating properties.”

“And Grim gave me that to make gunpowder?!” I asked in dawning horror.

“Yes. That is the danger of asking a layman to purchase your experimental supplies.” Copperpot looked at me disapprovingly. “Why did you ask Grim to do it anyway?”

“I asked Grim, because…” I paused, “because…” At this point we had been joined by Diamond and Opal who had come to see what all the smoke and sparks were about.

“Sunnovabitch!” Opal actually squeaked as I swore out loud. “Tim never got me any charcoal! He owes me back that silver!” I turned towards the camp, trying to see if I could spot him. It had been several weeks since Grim had gotten me the charcoal and Tim had never once mentioned returning the silver I’d given him!

“I see.” Diamond said, looking me over. “I think it’s as you said Grim.”

“Looks like.” Grim nodded.

“Ah, is this why you came, Diamond?” Copperpot said.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, as I turned back to the group.

“Can I see your status, Pete?” Diamond asked, coming over to stand beside me.

“Uh.” I took a step back. “That’s kind of a personal question there, Diamond. We should get to know each other first, maybe over some beer? Or maybe a radler? Have you had one?” Like Yearn I’m letting this maroon menace look at my status!

“Is that the drink Opal was just telling me about? I’d love to try some, but no, I want to see if you have any conditions in your Status. If it makes you uncomfortable, I can assure you as per Section 4, Article 15 of the City of Minnova Ordinances V. 221, I am not allowed to look at anything other than what I have received permission for unless you are suspected of a crime.”

Odd, with the number of dwarves I had influenced in town, I figured radlers must have been a thing by now. “So you’ll only look at my Conditions? Why?”

“We think someone has been using a forgetfulness Blessin or Milestone on ya Pete.” Grim said.

“What!” I was shocked. Why on Erd would someone target me with something like that? It sounded dangerous! “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“Forcefully breaking someone out from any kind of mind manipulation can be dangerous without proper preparation.” Doc Opal pulled at her beard. “Diamond was here to assess you and look for the culprit.”

Holy shit! Someone was doing that to me!? "Will you be able to tell just by looking at my status?"

“Yes, mind manipulation doesn’t show up when you look at your own conditions, but if someone else knows to look they can see it.” Diamond nodded. “May I proceed?”

“If you can promise it’s just to look at my conditions, I don't like the idea of someone staring at my status.”

“Very well”

*bing*

[Statustician] Diamond has asked to look at your conditions.

Do you agree

Yes/No

I mentally clicked on 'Yes' and hoped I wasn’t making a terrible mistake. Diamond looked me over then nodded. “Yes, it says [Forgetfulness: Recovering]. Can you take me to the dwarf in question Grim?”

Grim nodded. “Aye, follow me. Whisperer Gemma is watchin him.”

“Who was it!” I demanded angrily. Who in the camp disliked me enough to do something like that? I thought back on the conversation we’d just had. “Was it Tim?!”

“Not sayin’ till we’re sure Pete. We’re dealin with it, you stay with Engineer Copperpot.” Grim and Diamond headed towards the camp with two of the guards. We watched them go.

“Well, that was interesting.” Copperpot nodded sagely. “Are you ready to go to the mine and test the boomdust?”

“Boomdust?” I asked, my mind still reeling. Could it have been Tim? How could he do this to me? I’d thought up until this point that dwarves were generally bullheaded, but kind hearted and forgiving. This threw my entire Erdview into question.

“Yes, gunpowder is a stupid name. Nobody can tell me what a gun is, and you’re clearly not a reliable source at the moment. You can keep gunpowder as the name for your recipe, but I’m calling the Fireash variant boomdust!” He turned to his assistants, who had fully unpacked the carriage by this point. “Everyone move out! Into the mine, and be very careful with all the equipment!”

I snapped back to reality. "Hoooold it! I still get money from boomdust right? Even if I sent the wrong recipe, my original experiment was correct. Do I need to get a lawyer?"

"Boomdust was completely your invention, even if you got the recipe wrong. Don't worry, you'll still get paid, but I get my name on it as a co-inventor." He winked.

I nodded. "Well, that's alright then."

Copperpot gave me a wide smile. “If that's everything, are you ready to make a really Big Boom, Peter?”

I cheered up a bit. Who could turn down a capital ‘B’ Big Boom?

"Lead on, Copperpot!” I followed, deep in thought, as we made our way into the mine.