Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

“NO. Sorry, let me rephrase that. Absolutely NOT.” I was rather empathic, but it was a denial that needed emphasis.

Tourmaline frowned. “Why?”

“Prithee let me count the ways. Because he’s dangerous. He’s got a lot of powerful people on his payroll. And I don’t want ta get caught up in whatever high level political games yer playin’! You’re a powerful noble, why do you need us to do it?”

“I’m unable to use my regular sources.”

Opal wiped her brow and spoke up. “Pete, could you put some thought into it?”

I slumped back into my seat with a sigh. “I could. In fact, I already did. I literally just finished writin’ Harmsson off a few days ago.”

“Are you afraid of him?” Tourmaline asked, curiously.

“YES.”

“I see.”

Annie coughed and stepped in, embarrassment on her face. “I’m sorry we can’t help, Lady Barnes. Is there anything else we could do? Harmsson is a bit taboo around the Thirsty Goat right now, for a myriad of reasons.”

Tourmaline gave her a small smile. The first I’d seen on her tonight. “Thank you for your consideration, Annie.”

“Oh no, we’re asking for your help and you came all the way here to meet us. I’d hate for us to be unable to do anything for you.”

I nodded vigorously. “Yes! Absolutely! Do you have any drinks you want? Magic? Glasswork?”

“No.”

“I could cook for you fer a decade.” Bran put in. Opal gave him the old ‘not now’ marital elbow.

“No.”

“Any fightin’ you need done?” Balin asked, straightening up. “I could mebbe get help from Brighstar.”

Tourmaline thought about that one for a moment, then shook her head. “You’re too weak.”

Oof. Balin looked like he’d been slapped, but in the grand scheme of things it was probably true.

“Again, why do you need us in particular to do this?” I asked. “You said you have usual channels.”

“I had a [Detective] doing work for me. He ran afoul of Harmsson somehow. His house was raided the other day. They injured his duck,” she said, anger in her voice.

There was a sharp intake of breath from Balin. “‘He ‘as a duck? Is he mad?”

“They injured his duck? How!?” Annie gasped.

Tourmaline shrugged. “He came home to find his office a mess and his duck injured. They took most of his files.”

“And no bodies??”

Tourmaline shook her head. “No.”

Okaaaay. I was missing something. They were using tones and language reserved for those vicious monsters, Canadian Geese. Were ducks terrible monsters on Erd or something? I’d need to ask when I had some alone time. Either way, it made for a good excuse, and I jumped in.

“And that’s why we want nothing to do with Harmsson. We don’t have a duck, just a goat. And a recalcitrant teenager. It’s not enough, and we don’t want to bring anything like that to the door of our tavern. We have customers we need ta think about.”

“You would not have anything connecting you to me.” Tourmaline said. “Nobody besides Opal and the head butler know that I’m here.”

“Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.” I deadpanned. “That won’t work forever.”

We talked back and forth for a while, but after a full hour, hadn’t come any closer to an agreement.

Well, there were always other options and opportunities. Maybe I could ask Prophet Barnes for help? There was no way a Prophet high in the church of the Gods didn’t know what the Chosen were. He’d probably twigged to what I was the instant I walked through his door.

Dammit. There were so many interactions I would need to reexamine!

I was about to give up, when Annie interrupted. “The more we talk… the more I feel like I know you. Have we really not met before?”

“We met briefly in your kitchen when I visited Minnova.” Tourmaline replied, curtly.

“No, it’s more than that. It feels like I’ve known you for at least a couple years…”

“I couldn’t say.” Tourmaline shifted ever so slightly, but my high Perception caught it. What was this now? When I first met her, she'd felt somehow familiar. I hadn’t been able to put my finger on it at the time, and now Annie had noticed it too?

Annie leaned in closer, squinting. “That stone wall of a face… It can’t be…”

“I should probably go.” Tourmaline began, standing, but Annie jumped to her feet and blocked her way.

“No, It is you! Wreck??”

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Tourmaline twitched. Beside her, Opal had turned white.

“Annie, that’s ridiculous!” I laughed. “Wreck’s a foul-mouthed. muscle-brained miner, not a princess!”

Tourmaline glowered at me. “Rude.”

I cut off what I’d been about to say next. I half wanted to drink something so I could spit-take. That was exactly what Wreck used to say all the time, in exactly her tone and timbre. Now that I was looking for it, it was blindingly obvious.

I gawped. “WRECK!?”

Balin was googly eyed, and Bran was staring at Tourmaline and Opal as though they’d shaved their beards.

Tourmaline looked up to the heavens in a ‘Gods Help Me’ gesture before nodding. “Aye.”

Annie sprang to her feet and walked around the table. “You – when you never visited after you left the reform mine, I thought… I thought you never wanted to see us again!”

“Why would you think that?”

“Well, because you wanted to leave it all behind. Or something. But here you are! And you DID visit! You curmudgeon, you! Why didn’t you just say something!?” She wrapped her arms around Tourmaline in a hug. Tourmaline went rigid, but eventually returned the gesture.

“I had to.”

“So that’s why ya wanted Annie along.” I pointed at Opal. “‘She just wants some other girls around’ indeed!”

“And why did nobody tell me!?” Bran grumped.

Opal patted him on the arm. “Because it was a secret. Nobody was supposed to know who she was.”

“But you did,” I said.

Opal massaged her temple. “Yes. I always knew. In fact, the Minnova Reform Mine was chosen specifically because I worked there. The Bentleys have been allied with clan Barnes for millenia. Duke Barnes hired me to tutor Tourmaline a few decades ago, and she’s been something of a younger cousin to me ever since. When His Grace asked me to look after her in the reform mine, I immediately agreed.”

Annie pulled up an armchair to sit next to Opal and Tourmaline. “Why were you there, Wreck? Erm, Tourmaline?”

“... Tourmaline. Wreck is not my real name. Though our friendship was. I hope you will still… consider me your friend.”

Annie reached out to give her a fist bump. “Of course!”

Tourmaline thought for a while, then landed on, “I assaulted a noble.”

“Yer tha nobliest of nobles. How could you go to prison for hittin’ another noble?” I couldn't help but ask.

Tourmaline smiled again, this time viciously. “Broke his arm, actually. And his nose.”

Balin choked. “What did they do to deserve that?”

Tourmaline frowned. “He was a cad. And insulted my clan.”

“Good enough reason.” Bran nodded. “Shouldda hit ‘im harder.”

I scratched my head in confusion. “But still. From what I’ve seen, yer family’s powerful enough that they could have dealt with it. How did you end up in a reform mine of all places? Did you hit the king?”

Opal sighed. “No, but close. It was someone you’ve already met, actually. Louis Blackbeard.”

Ahhhh. Yes, if there was one dwarf in the entire Kingdom of Crack that screamed to be punched in the face, it was that one.

Even Balin nodded. “Aye, he deserved it. You should ‘ave hit him harder. Saved us all a lot of trouble.”

Annie gave Balin a shocked look.

Our resident royalist shrugged. “I talk with a lot o’ adventurers, and they’ve had some real troubles with tha’ Blackbeards. Blackbeard’s been takin’ the best spots in Whitehall fer a while now, and the refugees from towns where they rule ‘ave bad words fer ‘em.”

Tourmaline continued. “The Blackbeards put pressure on the courts to see me punished. Grandfather was unable to prevent the sentencing, and I didn’t want him to. The law was clear, and we should follow the law. What he could do was prevent Blackbeard from knowing where I was being sent. We were afraid they would arrange for an accident or bribe a guard to make my life difficult. So, I was sent to Minnova in the guise of Wreck.”

“No wonder you never talked about your past.” Annie said.

“I didn’t want to have to lie. I’ve always found it easier to say nothing.”

With all the truth detecting Abilities running around, I could see that being true.

“And now that you’re back in Kinshasa?” I hedged.

“I’ve kept an eye on Blackbeard. I was worried he would try something when I returned. He’s vindictive and petty. But he’s also too vain and lazy to do more than go to parties. There’s a reason he never Titled.”

I put up a finger. “Wait… doesn’t Blackbeard work for Harmsson? Could that be why they went after your guy?”

Tourmaline turned her eyes on me, her gaze suddenly intense. “I did not know that. Where did you hear that he was working for Harmsson?”

Opal’s eyebrows drew together. “Why would Louis Blackbeard work for anyone? He’s too proud for that.”

“Hmm… no, He’s definitely working for Harmsson.” I curled my beard around a finger. “But I can’t reveal who told me. Let’s just say that there was no real reason for my source to lie about it.”

Tourmaline shook her head. “You see? This is why I think you would be helpful. You’ve given me information without even trying.”

“No – what? – I didn’t, that doesn’t – ”

“Pete, we have to help!” Annie interjected. “This isn’t just about the treasure anymore. This is Wreck, and she needs us! How often did she have our back in the mine?”

I frowned. “Not that much.”

“Well, she always had mine. Can you guarantee nobody will know we’re communicating?” Annie asked.

Tourmaline nodded and pulled a dragon-headed rod out from her armor. She twisted it, and with a *pop* sound, there was suddenly a boring, average, everyday dwarf wearing some business casual armor sitting there.

It was Wreck. The disguise was perfect. Definitely better than my bargain-bin Spirit of Halloween mining getup.

“I can use this to come and visit Opal. I don’t need you to do anything more than listen to gossip and share any news you hear about Harmsson or his movement with Opal. In fact, don’t go looking for information, it could be dangerous.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, we wouldn't want to get into harm-sons way.”

But I was outvoted. Between Annie and Opal, the lovestruck idiots Bran and Balin would be on board. Richter would do whatever it took to find Lucky Jean’s treasure and Johnsson loved to gossip anyway.

I’d need to have a serious conversation with Annie about how much we told Tourmaline. Plausible deniability, that was the key!

All I’d wanted was to gain access to one of the most secure locations in the country for a private tour so I could steal a treasure from it. And now there were all these Godsdamn complications! I tell ya, a dwarf just can’t get a break these days.

Annie and Wreck and Balin chatted happily for a while longer while I mused over a tart, when there was a knock at the door.

“Yes?” Opal asked.

Mcbuttle’s voice came from the other side. “My lady, there’s a bit of a problem. We need your guests to come right away…”

Annie and I shared a terrified glance. Was there something wrong with the Thirsty Goat?

“Very well. What is it?” Opal stood up and motioned us to follow her.

“It’s their goat. She’s eating our petunias.”