As It Was

Chandler

"You kissed him?!" Samuel's loud voice boomed through the café, causing the poor people surrounding us to turn their heads in confusion and annoyance.

"Can you please be quiet?" I hissed, hiding my face in my hands out of embarrassment as the table of girls behind us giggled, already whispering and snickering to each other. "Yes, I kissed him. I know, I'm so damn stupid."

"Yes, you are extremely stupid." My brother cackled, throwing his head back before attempting to contain his laughter. "I really didn't expect to hear this when you asked me to meet you here today. I got to hand it to you, man, I didn't think you had the balls."

"Can you not make fun of me at a time like this, please? Act like the big brother you are and give me some well-needed advice. I'm going crazy here, Sam." I peeked at him through my fingers, and I finally saw the smile slip off of his amused face. Finally, he was starting to take this seriously. A little bit, at least.

"Shit, you're really worried about this, aren't you?" His kind eyes were slightly narrowed, brows furrowing in concern. It made my heart drop even more, causing me to groan exasperatedly. The last thing I wanted right now was pity; I felt crappy enough as it was. Even through the thick haze of confusion and insanity that had overcome me, I knew for certain that I was the one in the wrong and the least deserving of any sugar-coated compassion. "Well, from what you told me, it seems like Henry was pretty caught off guard. He has every right to be- I mean, imagine fighting with your best friend one second and he's kissing you the next. That's surprising, to say the least."

I nodded slowly, waiting for him to continue. "You overstepped a boundary that he's probably assumed to be set in stone ever since you guys met. It's perfectly normal that he reacted the way he did. To be honest, you're lucky he didn't smack you across the face."

"I know I shouldn't have just kissed him like that, but I wasn't thinking straight. All I could keep thinking of was that asshole touching him. It was reckless and selfish, but I don't know what I can do to fix things. I could barely even look at him without breaking down in tears like a fucking baby."

"This is tough...I've never been in your boat before but I do know that apologizing can go a long way as a start." Sam's onyx eyes fell down to where his hands cradled a porcelain coffee mug before continuing, "You know, you could've told me how you were feeling sooner. If you had someone to talk to about it, you wouldn't have been so miserable. However, you and Henry have been best friends for almost ten years now. I truly don't think this will have ruined everything."

"Then, what should I do?" I rubbed a hand over my face, the stress sinking into my bones and making me impossibly more desperate. Telling my older brother that I kissed my best friend- who happened to be a guy, wasn't easy. I thought I'd always been straight; I dated girls and even brought a couple of them home to meet my parents. This wasn't anything I'd ever felt with any other guy before, so I never thought twice about it- even when Sam joked about Henry being in love with me and us being a 'cute dynamic duo' when we were younger. I was a nervous wreck the whole ride to the café, but I should've known what his reaction would be. Sam had looked at me wide-eyed and unblinking for about ten seconds before cracking up, throwing his hands up, and slapping me on the shoulder like a father who was congratulating his son for scoring a goal.

The nerves disappeared completely and were replaced with annoyance as soon as the words 'I told you so!' left his grinning lips.

"I mean," Sam paused and rubbed the back of his neck as a cringe pasted itself onto his lips, "considering you kind of just ran out of there this morning, it's going to be a little awkward." Upon seeing my face fall even more and registering the disgruntled whine I let out as my forehead dropped to the tabletop, he quickly corrected his tone, "Don't worry, though! You can do this, Chan! Come on, the guy loves you like family- he'll hear you out."

Seeing me immediately snap my head up and grimace at the uncomfortable thought of Henry seeing me as a brother after what had just occurred, he sheepishly blurted, "Sorry! Poor choice of words..." He allowed himself to chuckle but spoke again when I raised a hand to slap him hard on the arm, "Seriously, though. Talk to him."

"You think so?" Suddenly, I felt five years old again. Sam's warm hand rested on the crown of my head and tousled the hair there comfortingly. I was so vulnerable, which was something I always hated feeling more than anything. I grew up keeping a strong, happy façade up at all times, even if it didn't mirror how I felt inside. Henry was always the one who could see through it, no matter what. Yet, at this moment I couldn't find myself caring about just how pathetic I looked. I surely looked like a kicked puppy, but it reflected how I felt inside. For once, I couldn't care less about trying to cover up my true emotions.

"Yes, I really do. You need to tell him everything- how you've been feeling different ever since the accident. It doesn't matter if it makes no sense right now, just tell him what's going on inside that head of yours. Who knows, maybe he'll finally confess his undying love for you." Sam winked, causing me to roll my eyes as his joking nature returned once again. My cheeks burned hot but it wasn't due to the warmth blasting through the heating vent above us. Just the thought of Henry professing a shared desire for me was too much to handle.

"Shut up." I shoved his hand off of my head and gulped down the rest of my coffee even though it did nothing to wake my exhausted, sleep-deprived body and left my throat scorched in the end.

"Hey, never say never. Looks like the straightest guy ever bumped his head and woke up gay for his best friend." I choked on the steaming beverage as Sam chuckled at his own joke, moving to grab some tissues to aid me in cleaning up the coffee I'd partially spilled onto the table.

"Fuck You." I scoffed, hastily wiping my mouth while attempting to tame the raging crimson staining my cheeks.

This is going to be a long day.

༻❁༺

As I walked through the door of my apartment for the first time in months, I felt odd in a way that was hard to fully understand. It had been so long since I was somewhere where I was completely and utterly alone. At the hospital, there was a seemingly endless stream of nurses, physical therapists, and doctors coming in and out of the room every couple of hours. At Henry's place, I was alone while he was at work but once he returned, I was comforted by his warm presence once again.

I was so used to being surrounded the subtle sweet scent in every corner of his small home. His belongings were so him, and they were neatly scattered everywhere. It served as a constant reminder of where I was, an extension of comfort no matter where I went. His warmth seeped into my skin when he was even relatively near, like an aura emitting more light than even the sun could give off. Now, there was nobody here other than myself- whom I currently wanted nothing to do with quite frankly. I wished so badly that I could step outside of my body and slap myself across the face. I hated myself for being a coward and running away when I should have just stood my ground and tried to explain things maturely like the adult that I am- or should be acting like.

I ran away from my problems in search of an immediate release from the fear and stress but made the situation worse by doing so. This was all so new; I was never one to run away easily. Now, it was like running was the only thing I knew how to do anymore. I was sprinting down the never-ending hallway of a house that was on fire. My cowardly demons took the form of sinister flames as they lapped at my skin with unforgiving vigor, taunting me to keep going; to escape as fast as I could before they caught up to me.

I didn't want to crash and burn. Knowing you're doing the wrong thing isn't easy to admit, but I couldn't swallow the fear of rejection sitting high in my throat. Sure, I knew I needed to sit down with Henry and talk things through if he would listen. I needed to somehow try and make him understand what was going on with me even if I didn't know that much myself.

As I sat down on my cold, suddenly unfamiliar couch, I let my mind wander. I tried to gain a bit of confidence and remind myself of who I am- that the old Chandler is still in there somewhere. Yet, the dark thoughts spiraled around me like a dozen haunting spirits.

What if Henry doesn't care that I left? He's probably relieved now. Even worse, what if he's with him?

What if it's better this way- with me keeping my distance? I can't hurt him if I'm not there to make more reckless mistakes. What if he's happier without me?

"No," I shook my head, hands pulling at my hair until my scalp started to ache under the dull pressure.

I stood up abruptly, pacing back and forth in the family room until I finally decided to call it a day at last. My mind was working in overdrive, and the frigid twilight air was making my skin prick with goosebumps.

The only way to silence these thoughts were with sleep. As I shucked my shirt off and pulled on a pair of sweatpants, I remembered just how desperately I'd fought to wake up just a month ago. Now, all I wanted to do was fall back into the abyss of slumber. If I wasn't awake, these thoughts would suffocate. They wouldn't have my fear to feed off of anymore and I wouldn't have to fight them any longer. As I lay my head on the cold pillow that felt much too firm in comparison to the one I'd been sleeping on at Henry's, I forced my eyes to shut.

I knew what I needed to do. Even if all of my sinister and self-deprecating thoughts were accurate- even if he would be better off without me, I had to give it one last shot.

As I entered a fitful sleep, my mind apparently decided it lacked the power to silence the voices snickering at me from deep in my subconscious and put an end to this suffering. In and out of hellscapes straight out of my worst childhood nightmares, I swam through relentless waves of burning crimson seas and traversed icy tundras towards a single beacon of light was always, without fail, Henry. Being pushed to my physical limits, my dreams forced me to save him again and again from horrible beasts and inevitable death.

It could probably be analyzed philosophically as a reflection of how I had to dig deep within myself and rescue the Chandler Lee that I used to be proud of and pull his drowning body to the surface. I couldn't let my own actions hurt me anymore, and I won't let them hurt Henry. Even if I drowned, I wouldn't let him go down with me.

Even though it scared the hell out of me, I knew I had to do it. If he chose to never see me again, then I'd disappear like I never existed in the first place. I decided that I'd let him live his life exactly how he wishes, even if that meant that I'm no longer a part of it. I had to give it one last try, for my sake and his; so that even if I couldn't have him in my life as something more, I could cherish and take care of him as my best friend again.

I had to do everything possible to make it right.