Am I Man or A Girl?

Chapter 18 - Beach Episode 2

The first stop was a custom boutique named G. Feisty Blossom. Despite turning over the offer of waiting somewhere else, the girls had me inside before I could come up with a good excuse. It was rather stark white-and-black with little lights shining off the sides of a drop ceiling concealed with black tiles. I got the impression it was meant to be like a runway. Signs marking discounts were scribbled in fancy script with a white marker on black.

Words and slogans like "beauty bountiful abundant sassy confident curvy" danced on little signs and LCD screens showed off entire catalogs. While Elizabeth and Siana intercepted a tentative Calliope and urged her to the center aisle, Natalie soon made herself my partner and guided me towards some prospects. She had nice taste. And she pointed out the sort of outfits that would minimize and maximize the kind of features I wanted. Granted, I already had several choices to fulfill this task, but I could still look.

It wasn’t long before we chanced upon outfits specifically labeled as for “trans and non-binary”. My psychological response was equal parts interest and horror. This was for me. Well, sort of. It would help. but I felt abject terror looking or touching the material. I felt a deep, phantom sweat clinging to my clothes that had nothing to do with the heat of the day. It was as though I had been flash dunked into a pool of my own nerves.

Natalie pointed out all sorts of cute things as I stretched out with nervous jazz hands not grabbing anything but just sifting through. I was gonna say that I already had something I picked up earlier with Camille, but this very specifically conformed and shaped the stump into…a gliding, subtle ridge. I had glossed over the idea of trying out most of the possibilities when with Camille. The stuff I got was cheap enough that if it didn’t fit me comfortably, then it was easy to mark as a tolerable loss. Just hanging out with her was worth the price and there were things that didn’t raise my stress level as much.

But Natalie was persistent, she recognized good fabric and urged me towards one with blue, silver, and purple threaded through. It looked like it would fit my altered body, but the price put it in the zone of uncertainty if it wasn’t comfortable.

Not letting up, Camille picked out a few things for herself and urged me, “Let’s try things on!” Somewhere deep inside, my body decided that now was the time to unleash all the gas it had been collecting for an eternity. My gut roiled, and felt vaguely bloated, while my bladder decided it was time for it to get in on the action as well. They had a gender-neutral restroom though.

To this point, I hadn’t met any of the clerks that worked in the boutique, but I did glimpse a sliver of mirror with Calliope being measured in it. She appeared as stock rigid as a mannequin. Elizabeth lingered nearby with her purse and Siana was in the area.

What reprieve I could cling to for trying on things soon evaporated, and I went into the room adjacent to Natalie. My feet pulsed with blood as I jittered and fumbled with my outfit. The stump understood that I was doing something weird and wanted to rise to the occasion. Inside was a weird sort of mesh with rigidly drawn weaves. Despite the emotion of the moment, it fit well, and I didn’t feel irritated by the semi-spandex material. Still, I was sweating bullets. It didn’t help that when fully secured, the design gave the subtle impression of cleaving. It was better than the gaff looked because it didn’t feel like I was tucking something inside. With one of the tops, I looked downright genuine. And I felt euphorically better than I could ever imagine feeling like this.

Natalie was already outside when I peeked to show off my look. “Oh my gosh, that is so cute! You gotta show everyone!” She complimented the color and look and made sure I felt comfortable. I felt wobbly on my feet and like I had tripped into a parallel universe where somehow I had a sister with brilliant, red locks who treated me in the ways I idly daydreamed. And I fit beside her. The stump chaos dwindled, and I relaxed into calm. At the same time, I felt this ball, like a fused boulder as a cat hairball, solidified deep in my gut that tickled and twisted my insides and plotted to come up. I quietly released the gas valve with a measured burp to keep it at bay.

“You really think so?” For all the visual impressions, the sound of my fucking voice killed it when I glanced in the mirror. I still hadn’t figured that out. Natalie adamantly supported me and pushed me towards the other room so that everyone could see. Elizabeth smiled and flashed a thumbs up while Siana wiggled her hands in celebration and complemented the colors too. Calliope cheered me as well but kept her arms and legs close and compressed. She had on a special variety of G-cup bra, which she quietly adjusted with chagrin.

Siana was also a G but had Hs. Elizabeth was actually an F-cup despite the fact she appeared the biggest. Granted what I could see of their bras seemed practically the same. A clerk, in the same territory physically, hurried around and offered up options for Calliope. Natalie was nowhere near the others, but she still outclassed my little bumps. However, I had the general impression complete (notwithstanding my voice, which I endeavored to use as little as possible around the clerk).

The possibilities were more specialty than the discount shop, but they definitely provided what I needed. None of the material felt cheap and the prices also followed through on that. I experimented with a one-piece outfit and felt the same rush as the two-piece in an enclosed package, but I already had several options and this was a relatively expensive item. At this point, I would need to change into several suits to get my money's worth at the park or go several times over the rest of the summer.

Calliope was barraged by options and looked pretty good in a blue polka dot number. She soon looked as uncertain to her stomach as I felt. At least she seemed comfortable with a well-fitted bra. Next stop was a clothing discount store in a segmented warehouse that dwarfed the one out in the desert. The swamp cooler did little for my lingering sweat. I continue to hang around Natalie.

Cautiously, I had mentioned my voice quality on the drive over and she brought up a few tips she learned in passing from a speech pathologist along with generalized winging it and reflection on how she spoke.

My efforts sounded hilariously exaggerated, like a campy wannabe girl version of a Vincent Price impersonator. Natalie was persistent though and the others, especially Siana, chimed in with possibilities. Still, I felt stymied that it seemed as though my voice box just didn’t have the ability to create the sounds necessary. I knew that was false, but it felt like trying to push myself over an edge that just seemed insurmountable. If I jump it up, it becomes falsetto, if I try to pull the vibration then it doesn’t feel right or natural.

Individual words managed to sound close but speaking still eluded me. The girls assured me I would get it, saying it was just practice and leveling up my experience points till it became natural. You don’t find a whole different method of speaking in an instant. Still, I sulked, at least until the book and game stores.

It was exciting to go with others. Seeing the possibilities of them picking through modules for games and role-plays that I could be a part of and contribute creatively wound me up like a top and left me with dizzy energy. The fantasy world spy scenario and adventuring business modules sounded like a blast. It all had a lot of moving parts, but a short version allowed all of us to do different activities simultaneously. I especially liked one concept of hiring goblin muscle to protect a strange beauty pageant full of dragons.

After a burger place, we started for home. The skyline was a deep red with the sun behind the hills. Natalie propped herself up in the backseat with her phone loading the supplementary materials for her favorite D&D purchases and occasionally read me some tidbits and encouraged me to try to read them with the kind of voice I wanted. Calliope basically slept on my shoulder as soon as she entered the car. Up front, Siana was the copilot and Elizabeth looked as focused and unflappable as I found her when we first set out. Using the voice of a dragon princess, I tried to find the sweet spot.

“Mere immortals may try to find my treasure…” Suddenly, Natalie gestured with her hand and said, “That’s it! That’s it. you got it!” My effort wasn’t terribly serious, I had taken to randomly smiling with my words and toying with them idly. Warmth and relief passed through me as I sought out reassurance. Everyone else who was awake agreed, I sounded perfect, cutely perfect. Unfortunately, every effort I tried to replicate this flippant random sound, even while smiling, evaded me. Like I had suddenly stumbled upon unconscious perfection. It further amused me that smiling gave me a full soprano-like resonance.

And it was fun to read, even though little of what Natalie was showing me really made sense. I put my creative focus into an emotional performance, which hopefully wasn’t so loud that it would wake Calliope. For the last stretch, Natalie had me work on the skeleton of a character I created for the games that we had played earlier. She didn’t have a name I'd settled on yet, but I was starting to work my way through her merchant backstory and create a voice that sounded close to what I wanted. All too soon, we were back in Brook Valley, and I would have to be out first since my house was the nearest drop-off.

I wanted to talk to all of them so much more even though precise subjects eluded me. I wanted to come up with creative swears and dirty words for Siana. I wanted to have a thoughtful chat with Elizabeth. And I wanted to get better at everything with Natalie. So much of this had been missing from my life. Hanging out with Camille was terrifying because I had no practice with this kind of communication. It was all by obligation or from a distance, especially with the bitter fucking insanity that started this decade.

We had tomorrow at the waterpark, but it would be out and about and so crazy and who knew if we would have another opportunity like this? So, before we were even halfway down the boulevard, I started pitching ideas for the next get-together. Schedules were tight but the game night that I stumbled upon was already pretty solid. It was something, at least. I didn’t even mind that it meant I would have to deal with Amber. I needed more of the sisterly shit. More human interaction and less being stuck with memories and ghosts.

Elizabeth wound up as a maybe for an extra game night on an upcoming weekend. Making doubly sure I had everyone’s contact information before I left the car would have to be enough. Gingerly, I let Natalie trade her red head for mine in supporting resting Calliope. We intended not to wake her, but her eyes still fluttered open, reminding me of a story my parents told me that when I was a baby I would grab their shirts with a hand when they tried to rock me to sleep so that I would know when they tried to get up. Calliope looked adorable with her half-open eyes and squeaky little grumbles. She gave me more of a hug than she probably intended, providing me with so many details about how she wore her new bra.

If I were ever actually or still a boy, then that might’ve made my week. As it was, it left me with lingering trails of melancholy I couldn’t quite name. Natalie hugged me from the side and Siana spun me around like a top while hugging me when I got out. Elizabeth turned a warm handshake into a friendly pat on the shoulder. I lingered on the porch until they were all packed in again and drove away. Siana dropped off my bags on the bench outside my door when I wasn’t looking. It didn’t feel like a lot, but it still took two trips. With what I had bought earlier and my initial adventures, a bountiful rotation constituted my girl clothes. I should’ve worn something nicer out, but not much I could do about that.

I traded my simple outfit for the featured specialty swimsuit I would be wearing tomorrow. To get some practice in it and familiarity. The stump decided to explore the extent of the frontier. Vigorously and unabated. I didn’t worry about that too much, considering I still needed to put it through the wash at least once.

My eyes were getting bleary despite the relatively early hour. Before my leftovers went bad, I decided to polish them off in a weird hybrid meal of Mexican and Hungarian. It left me feeling especially bloated but at least my outfit didn’t seem uncomfortable. Not that sitting on a couch with my laptop was any comparison for sprawling out on a beach chair or walking around so revealed. Clammy sweat soon clung to my ears despite it not being that hot in the house. I leaned back and tried to feel modestly at ease like this. Still, it felt like half of my blood had gone to fuel the stump. My limbs almost had a quality of frail detachment and coldness which I found admirable in petite girls in my classes. And the stump went to town with that without any help for me.

After putting those clothes in to wash, I still felt attenuated down there with a casual blouse and skirt. It wasn’t quite as unique, but it was good to get things cleared out before showtime. On the downside, traveling to a variety of nearby but different climates had wrecked my sinuses. The left nostril felt like a ticklish brush was rubbing against the interior. It was easy to lose count of the number of sneezes. A shower definitely helped.

Before going to bed, I stared at my writing screen and tried to put a handful of words together that might feebly express this day. But so much was lost even a few hours later, not that I wanted an absolutely perfect recollection of every last detail, but I wanted to remember the good things and the positive qualities to take with me. It was so easy to forget from one moment to the next.

I needed to journal more, to put down the important things from a given day so that I could remember them later. Not a crystal of preservation but a tangible memento. It hurt to forget as much to remember, but I needed the seasoning of each. Forget little worries but remember cautions. Remember laughs but don’t stretch the punchlines. Be mindful but not overwhelmed by your mind.

Sighing softly, I set several alarms and rolled to my left with just enough blankets nearby for the mild night.

Morning didn’t even bring the need to check and evaluate myself for changes or the reassertion of another reality. I took care of myself in the bathroom and packed bags of everything I might need. The park didn’t open until 11 AM and for this, I decided to drive myself since it was only 3 miles away. It would’ve been fun to meet up for breakfast somewhere, but the notion only struck me right then.

I gathered up plenty of sunscreen along with several fresh towels, and a few changes of clothes just to be safe. Of course, a Google search soon gave me ideas for things that I really didn’t need to get but would’ve been helpful to remember earlier, like clips to hold towels and other things in place. A waterproof cell phone case also would’ve been awesome. but it would’ve been awesome to get several years ago. I cleaned out an old backpack to keep everything together.

Walking out with all that stuff while wearing my swimsuit underneath a regular pair of boring clothes felt kind of naughty or like I was sneaking something weird out. None of the neighbors cared, but I still felt that way. At least I didn’t see any of them around. Although I kinda also wanted them to see me, because I looked pretty good. Yet, I still didn’t wanna roll the dice on people who thought like Amber.

After pulling out, I rolled down a few of the windows to dispel the dusty presence. Not that it would help much, because dust was everywhere, but I had the phantom sense of freshwater and I wanted to nurture it from whatever corner of the atmosphere it had escaped from. If that thought process made sense and, even if it didn’t, it couldn’t hurt.

Well, I mean it could hurt with a sudden breeze blasting me in the forehead and giving me a sinus headache for several days. But I adjusted the gap in the window so that the air streamed over more than hitting me. It wasn’t yet hot enough that I would need the air conditioning but probably after the park. I took the route slow because it was honestly just hang a right, halfway to the Target, and then turn right again to the park. The intersections reminded me of when mom drove home from the elementary school where Camille now worked. Little flecks of memory and feelings of the past. I wanted to drive around more without a destination, but I had gotten out of habit with everything and the cost of it. Sundays especially were quiet around town and it was good to take advantage of them compared to the insane Wednesdays crawling with traffic.

I passed a school and another empty lot that promised shopping and theoretical bookstores on the left, not to mention the corner with the empty chicken coops which the city said it would bulldoze to put another library in. I could soon see the glittering, colorful tones of the water slides above the old west themed water park. Parking wasn’t too bad, but I needed to roam towards the activity center to find a good one with a scrap of shadow beneath the tiny transplanted trees.

With a full backpack slung over my shoulder, I stretched all the way up, cracked my neck, and resisted all but a whimper of a yawn.

The ticket area at the front had a small crowd with little kids brandishing towels and screaming back-and-forth across the hot pavement. I found a quiet spot on the side.

It didn’t take long before I heard a name that I should’ve more intimately recognized.

“Maggie!”

Ariadne held a free arm above her head. Her other arm was proffered for the grip of a little girl who tangled her little limbs around it. A pair of dark shades cloaked her eyes with a billed cap advertising some old gaming convention bundling a nest of her dark hair. The kid, who wore a single puff of a ponytail behind her head and clothes in tones that looked like barely-contained sunbeams, appeared terrifyingly big for her supposed age of four. Of course, when it came to young people I felt like I had no intuition as to what age fit what. She did seem younger than the sort that my mother taught. Reluctantly freeing one of her little hands, she gave a wave like a little clap.

Ariadne introduced her as, “This is Aero. Sweetie, this is a friend of mine, Maggie. Can you say hello to her?” Hiding half her face, Aero confirmed with a vigorous nod that she could say hello but didn’t provide any certainty on whether she would. It took a little bit of questioning before I realized that her name was meant to be spelled like planes and not like the bow and arrow. This reveal urgently concerned Aero, as though I was some name-stealing fairy and her mom had just given up all her secrets. I shared an expression of warmth but wasn’t sure how it translated across my face.

After that, the rest of the girls swiftly filtered over. Natalie was easily recognizable with her bright hair contrasted by a blue windbreaker dangling from her shoulders. Elizabeth wore a breezy top with brown and white stripes that fluttered lightly in a torch-hot wisp of air. It felt like a magic trick that her size up top didn’t seem out of sorts. I resisted the urge to check myself for whether I’d had a sudden, improbable growth spurt.

Elaine and Cynthia already gave a hint to what they would be wearing in the park. Each flashed a glittering, silver outfit like something precious recovered from a tide pool. Ornamental beads and a little strip that reminded me of reflectors on a bike had been stitched onto Elaine‘s outfit. She seemed so demure and reserved beside her twin, but also felt like a shadow wrestling up the courage to step away from the ground.

Siana embraced me with tan shades tipped down and accentuating her cheeks. In tow, she dragged a stringy, younger boy with limbs like a praying mantis who had forgotten to work out and hair sprawled out like the ink leavings of a squid which had set a moment atop his head and then jetted off. Despite hair practically covering most of his eyes, he didn’t blink, scrunch up his face, or try to adjust it. His clothes, with a drawstring cinched pair of trunks floating above his waist, seemed more like a pleasant set of bags draped across some random object to both conceal and unveil it. And he hadn’t had a choice in this.

Presenting the new guy, Siana explained that this was her younger cousin Micah. My first instinct was to immediately wonder what he might look like if transformed the same as his cousin. God, what’s wrong with me? The little rush that accompanied this thought felt unsettling. I should be thinking that he’s cute, at the most. Granted, I couldn’t tell how old he was any more than Aero. Amber made a swift trek through the background of the old west with Marsha and Eloise lingering nearby. While Amber wore a strappy, mild green ensemble, Marsha and Eloise coordinated with varieties of red. Practically everyone had on jeans or jean shorts, except for me. Sticking together and actually chatting to one another, Camille and Calliope were the last to arrive.

Immediately, I darted over to their side, favoring Camille. She reached out and wrapped a quick arm around my shoulder in a sideways hug. I tried not to think too much about the gesture. Calliope, who had on an oversized T-shirt with a pair of shorts not too different from mine over the outfit from yesterday, gave a quick wave and a quicker smirk. Ariadne soon took charge of making sure the box office at the front was aware we had a group and a promotional rate. Thank goodness that responsibility didn’t fall on my shaky shoulders. It didn’t take more than a minute or two before she passed out tickets for cash or IOUs. I didn’t have exact cash, but she did.

The stub went in a side pocket of my backpack once I passed through the slow shuffle of the open gate. To the left was a small food area with an already busy queue and pretty standard fare for a cafeteria. The prices hovered somewhere between a cinema and Disneyland. Far over on the left were a set of changing areas and paid lockers for men and women with a duplicate section on the right towards an immense swimming pool. I followed the group to the right. My legs trembled despite the warmth of the day.

A few areas included sections separated for family changing. We split between two of them with Calliope, Camille, Siana, Micah, Elizabeth, Natalie, and me in one group and everyone else in the other. I felt immensely grateful that Amber was in the other group and didn’t seem to be giving me any kind of attention, whether positive or negative. Still, my legs felt shaky. I didn’t even feel that nervous about all this, even though those shakes and a gloss of sweat seemed to say differently. Micah finished fast and made his way out before anyone else. I grabbed a few things from my bag and manage to drop each and every one of them on the tile floor. Fortunately, the only thing that really mattered for that was my fresh towel.

Casually, Natalie asked me about my purse. Camille looked up an instant later. I had a purse, right? I’d dumped things into the backpack because I could get the towel in there. Unfortunately, a purse hadn’t settled into the groove of my routine yet, so I didn’t really think about it when on autopilot. Just the effort to not automatically stuff a bunch of lumps into my pockets required a lot of concentration. Mace, keys, wallet, and slip a face mask around my neck for a long time.

After turning my backpack around, Natalie assured me it wasn’t a big deal, she just thought it was cute from what she saw and wanted the others to see it. She pivoted to complementing my outfit that we had picked out. Siana offered to spritz me with a bottle from her purse. It smelled like peaches. I took a little bit but mainly focused on protecting my fair skin from the hostile sun. Calliope talked a little bit to Camille. Elizabeth listed off activities around the park and places to meet up. And then we were kind of on our own.

Natalie had ideas for fun stuff, but she lingered with Siana on the way out with a silvery towel adorning her shoulders. Elizabeth asked me about flip-flops. I was just gonna walk around with my battered sneakers without the socks. The extra pair she had fit me well enough.

By the time I stepped out of the locker area, my group had been reduced to Camille and Calliope. The nearest attraction was a shooting gallery of water guns placed in front of a bunch of platforms with flags. The area was heavily padded, but I still felt nervous about the look of it.

Nervous for other reasons was Calliope. She had indeed worn the polka dot outfit. It covered a lot of her shoulder and wrapped around to the front like the glove top she shared with me previously, but it also presented a complementary dip and curve while sitting comfortably against her. I felt nervous about keeping my eyes on her, especially with Camille right there. Not that Camille was lacking in presentation. I would’ve been blown away to pull off even half of her look.

“Where do you wanna sit?” She soon asked.

A lot of the lawn chairs were concentrated back towards an auditorium area where they had a band tuning up for a song that sounded like a riff on the Beach Boys. Fences and concrete partitions helped to isolate the park from the busy intersection but the open seats on the far right looked cramped. Fortunately, Ariadne had secured a set of chairs adjacent to the general store. It didn’t have a lot of shade at this hour, but the overhang of the building looked perfectly positioned to provide later on. Calliope scooted onto the chair at the edge while Camille and I paired up together.

“This is wild, huh? I never knew there was anything this exciting around here.” She crinkled her nose with a little smile. I brought my towel with me so I wouldn’t have to show off my outfit immediately. The noonday sun still managed to stir the presence of little fires on my belly, even through the towel. My first feeling once I was settled and at ease was that I really needed to go pee. The moisture in the air did it, along with the presence of so much splashing water.

After announcing my intentions towards “the little girl’s room”, I had the opposite experience from the other night and practically every instance I could remember: Everyone else mentioned they had to go as well.

Was this a girl thing? It had to be a girl thing. It was fascinating, but what struck me was this cloying sensation of others. I could deal with Camille and the Mexican restaurant or the discount shop. Talking to Calliope in the back of the bookstore was actually really nice. Having a plethora of other players to round out games at the shop was also fine. Chatting with Elizabeth about the nature of life was cool. Siana also had scintillating thoughts. Looking for stuff at the store with Natalie made me feel things I never did as an only child. The problem was when the group swelled to this size.

Was I supposed to be chatting with this person or that person or all of them or none of them or just a few or what? It certainly didn’t help that the park was especially laden with activity and so many other people who each had their own thing going on. The Internet once spewed forth the idea that the world had only so many possible people for it and anything past that were repeats who didn’t actually have a soul. I could certainly imagine and had met people for whom the apparent signs of thoughtful contemplation were absent. But it was also narrowminded of me to say that just because I couldn’t see it, didn’t mean it wasn’t there.

Just because I thought someone like Amber, who I accidentally thought of as “hamburger” in my head, chewed me out because of a little bit of meat, didn’t mean she had zero thought processes going on. At the same time, it was practically impossible to transplant my own perception of reality onto hers. Yet, I had imagined a possibility of her life and so many others and it had been rewritten like a cheat code to change the look of an NPC in an open-world game. That was all I could get through before pressing biological needs shut up the rest.

On some level, it registered that I was walking into the ladies' room. On all the other levels, I didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone else in there thought about me, because things were getting dire. Somewhere in my head, I did feel stressed that the sound I made would be fundamentally different than what was supposed to happen in there. The amount of screaming and yelling, along with blasting jets and rushing water made me feel a little bit better about that concern though.

When mom got bad, and it was hard for her to walk around, I had times when I had to swallow my doubts, fears, and whatever else and just go inside. They were the sorts of memories I pushed not to revisit. No one cared that I was in there trying to help my mom, occasionally someone would take the weight from my shoulders and help my mother the whole way. I heard more than a few stories from those both young and old about tending to parents in the same way. All we shared was a glance.

I thought things were supposed to get better. I met people. I said the shit I always wanted to say to my mom and my dad. I was actually starting to get a handle on my life, I guess. Yet I still felt like a fuckup with a nice face and some different clothes. The stall at the end opened up and I plopped myself down in there.

My sounds felt too present, yet I told myself they were buried beneath a cacophony of others. Gangs or bitches had marked and also slightly burned jagged, incoherent block letters into the seat. At least the frail tissue toilet paper in a huge, thumping wheel had been left alone.

Silently, I let myself have a scream. Like crawling up a mountain peak just to pull my clothes back on and make sure I felt ready for the crowds. So many little things. And on top of all that, my guts felt like they were nagging me with the prospects of an extended return to that seat. But I continued out and someone else swiftly snagged the stall.

Calliope camped out in the corner with her arms poised not too far from her stomach. I wanted to hug her, but I suspected that wouldn’t be much help at the moment. Camille massaged a soap dispenser to get as much out as possible. Natalie adjusted her hair in one of the wide mirrors and dried her hands. And I didn’t dwell beyond that.

The important thing was I made it back first so that Elizabeth and Ariadne, leading Aero, could take a turn in the restroom and I watched everyone’s stuff. Natalie took over for me after that and I started to explore this section of the water park.

Not that there was a whole lot to the place hidden in the shadows and the sides. The central feature, and the only one I had experienced before, was the lazy river that looped in a few branches around the park. Stacks of heavy-duty inner tubes lined the stepped entrances and a steady flow of parkgoers was already filling the arteries like strange blood cells. I could just slip between. Before approaching, I checked to make sure I wasn’t suddenly, somehow naked.

A lot of my pale flesh was exposed. It should’ve been a bigger deal how my body was shaped by all this. I had the traces of curves and light presence that not everyone was guaranteed. Without that, I would’ve just been a straight branch with conspicuous bumps. I know it was a feature rather than an issue, but the scant expanse of each section of my outfit felt like it should’ve unfurled for more coverage with just a few tugs. Before I could ponder this, Siana joined me and we wrestled a pair of inner tubes into the water.

Not that I was focusing my attention on her, but Siana sure had a lot of jiggle with her top. It had the appearance of the seascape at night and surrounded the edges of her bust like backstops with a wedge. Metal ringlets joined each side. I felt like such a pretender beside her. Pretend that incidental little lumps were something worthy. Pretend that I didn’t have a raging stump beneath the illusory folds of shaped fabric. But I could at least pretend.

Sinking into the pull of the stream, I felt vaguely tugged along while still dragging my legs. Siana eased over next to me.

“You imagine what Micah might look like with big titties?"

I didn’t have a drink to spit out, but a dip of water basically got me in the face. After the river leveled out, I brushed my damp hair as my nose snotted up from the pungent water. I still felt more like an anchor trying to push off than being carried along. “What? Micah?”

Siana continued her thought. “I have shots from when he dressed up as Juliet for a high school thing. It was good enough that he got some half-hearted offers to attend the winter ball like that with a date.” She managed to find a comfortable position on the tube. I was still searching.

My nose felt itchier than it ever had in my life. “I just met him and I…I don’t know. That would be weird. That’s interesting though.”

Craning her head down, Siana responded, “That wasn’t a real answer, yes or no. But I’ll let it slide. If you had my permission or encouragement to think something weird about him… Well, what do you think?”

I felt entirely bereft of the ability to think in general, let alone to actually wield my imagination in some meaningful way. I resurrected the last strand of thoughts I had about him and pointed out the weird praying mantis, skinny look. She giggled without any effort to hide her face.

“Oh my god, yes! Boy needs to eat. And stop scavenging for saltines others left behind like he discovered a banquet!” Then she dropped a quote on me that took a moment to register in my memory like a strike of rock into a fire pit slowly building to a flame.

“…That’s Zoidberg?”

“Yup! We used to watch the show together when he was really young, and he would always do a crabwalk. I wanna see the most recent revival with him but he’s been so busy lately with local theater. I’ve been busy too but yeah.” We pushed off a bend in the river and started to drift underneath the edge of the red water slide that looped around behind the green one.

The shadows dropped the day from scalding hot with a warm splash of water to a feeling shivering with night. The stream slowed so I could appreciate the coolness. Above, meanwhile, the slide tubes rattled with screaming people flowing to the pool at the center of the park.

“You gonna try all that later?” She gestured with an arm towards the tangle of colored tubes interlacing one another like a child’s pipe works. When I last visited here, there were three of yellow, red, and green. They had since added a fourth dark-blue one sneaking its way amidst the others and a standalone tower with intimidating curves and a shotgun jet of water at the bottom.

I had never tried even one of them. Some degree of claustrophobia mixed with being tumbled around in water always surged through my imagination as sounding like a thoroughly terrible time. However, I still felt curious. Different form, different life, maybe I could just give it a try to see how it felt now? Puffing out some stray water from my nostrils, I ended a long breath by responding, “Not sure yet.”

Siana brushed her fingers through the water, as gentle oars, shifting herself to the left and then the right like a rocky pendulum. “Same here. Although soonish might be the best time before there are long lines. Wanna try it out together?”

“Sure.”

Going into this day, I didn’t expect I would be chilling with Siana. Natalie, seemed like a possibility. Calliope, more likely there. And Camille, absolutely. This was supposed to be just a two-person deal with me and her. Not that I was having a bad time floating in the same river with Siana and her casual, slight goth look.

Hopefully, I wasn’t committing a faux pas. As we finished drifting through the shadowy area, I heard echoing laughter not far from a section that separated the park from the roadway. Tilting up as best as I could while dangling from my tube, I noticed a small wooden castle with a pirate flag up top.

Siana spoke essentially the same thought that was in my head, “Oh cool! Is that like a capture-the-flag thing?” She gestured a hand to make sure I knew what she was referring to even though I was already looking. The castle had a slapped-together look, like something designed by kids making their first construction project. The jetting beams and awkward slats had rounded corners for safety along with handholds and ropes for mounting along the sides. At the top stood a bearded guy with luminous shades on his forehead and his arms wrapped around what looked like a colorful mounted machine gun. On all sides, kids scrambled up netting and ropes to reach the top.

Before they could get there though, the guy at the top aimed a jet of water and sprayed them off like they were bugs. His echoing cackle soon got on my nerves. I watched as one heavier kid with lime green shorts rolled into the moat around the castle and slowly staggered to his feet. His hair was matted to his face with tears.

A memory returned to me despite my say-so one way or the other. Second grade, around the same time as Camille, hot day in the summer and cooling off the kids. I got shot with water all around and I just laid down a super soaker spray. Unfortunately, one of the kids in the class who took a real shine to me like a sibling got blasted right in the face when I wasn’t looking. He whimpered in confusion and despite smiling later, he never really was as close to me after that. I gripped tight to the inner tube as it scuffed beneath my fingers. Getting out of the lazy river was like hauling a package with my shoulders. I explained to Siana that I had to do something but only churned it out in a few half-hearted words.

She paddled against the current and watched me as I set my tube on a patch of grass. Feeling just a hair’s breadth away from embarrassed and nude, I carefully mounted one of the quieter side nettings and worked my way up. The dude at the top howled with laughter as even more kids screamed and ran away. It had to be pure luck that he wasn’t paying attention to my side. Somehow though, panting and dripping all over the place, I stood at the side pinnacle of the castle with his back turned to me.

The first hot flare of thought inside my head was to blast him with all the imagined power inside my body and mind. Make him utterly transformed, like I’d already done several times. But, as I stood there, it felt as though the flame wavered against a tracing of breeze. Just changing him wouldn’t necessarily put right this dick-ish behavior. Amber, after all. Heck, maybe Amber didn’t even use to be such a bitch as a boy. And maybe it was just innate and all that changed was the cover.

Howling again, he exclaimed, “Awww, yeaaah! That was a MASTERCLASS! Yooo!” Yeah, fuckwad, a real masterclass in bowling over kids a half to a third your size. I had to do something.

On this end of the castle, I could duck down and remain inconspicuous, but I didn’t trust myself to push him off the edge. Plus, he really could hurt himself that way and that wasn’t what I was going for. On the edge was another water gun emplacement but it only seemed to tilt about 70 degrees to that side. Stifling a water-driven cough, I crept to where it was mounted and twisted it. Come on, come on!

Somehow, I was able to loosen it enough that it pulled away from its mounting with a long plastic tail in the middle feeding a pump. It reminded me of an arcade shooter rifle. Still, the angle wasn’t enough to hit him unless he moved to the left. Behind me, I noticed the kid in the green shorts dangling on some netting near where I came up. Trying to gesture to him like this was some magical water fight with military tactics was futile and pretty much the only gesture I could think of was two fingers aiming all over the place. Instead, I motioned for him to get closer.

It didn’t take long for him to grasp what I meant, and he had hold of the water rifle. I waved him off from spraying and moved to the right end. The dude on the mounted gun would have to shift to the left to aim at me. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that Siana had gotten out of the river with both her and my inner tubes resting on her shoulders.

“WHAT DO YA THINK!!!” I mindlessly shouted at the top of my lungs above the cacophony of everything else while waving my arms and dashing to the right. This had the intended effect of startling the dude into swinging around to face me. He hopped and snorted and was about to fire, when his eyes gave me a lingering once-over. It really took a lot of effort not to just unleash the kind of ideas I was used to upon him. The kid had perfect aim as he blasted the dude right in the face. He looked like he was going to tumble off the side but instead retreated to one of the nettings. From there I was able to take over his lost gun and send him right into the moat. All the kids around cheered, and I made sure to blast water right in his crack as he retreated.

Not that I was the conquering hero for that long before the kid on the other side decided it was time for a coup. I soon quietly retreated, and the castle returned to a group of kids who then ceded it to another set. But instead of cries of frustration and pain, there were whooping cackles of enjoyment. Clearing my face and brushing away my matted, dark red hair, I made my way back to Siana.

Her outfit was pasted by the water against the curves of her body. The stump managed to not embarrass me at that moment by challenging the threshold. Still, I could feel my heart pick up a step more than the recent tactical adventure. She grinned at me and pronounced, “That was cool.”

I shrugged and tried to keep my attention on fixing my hair. Sniffling out a bit of water, I told her, “It didn’t seem right and there are a lot of things I could’ve done, but like beating him at a zone stupid game seems like the best. I mean you saw that, right?”

She had. “Yeah, kind of reminded me of an online game I played a few years back. Some dick thinks he’s the big floppy rope swinger just because he can smack some noobs. Karma always comes around. Thanks for being karmic.”

I nodded, even though I felt wary of the notion of standing for karma, because it seemed more like it was a mallet poised above and waiting to fall on me.

Being around Siana comforted me in some strange way though. She sought me out and advanced the conversation. I appreciated that, it was how I managed to make friends in college, even though the consequence was running into overbearing people who dominated all discussions. Elizabeth and Siana were both so easy to talk to, along with Natalie.

Calliope, I could understand in a one-to-one chat and feel sympathetic. Same with Camille. Ariadne had a professional decorum and a presence that felt honed by being a business owner dealing with all sorts of things. She felt like the kind of person I wished I could be as a teacher. And, in some respects, I could also understand Amber by the hint of personality I felt from her. She wanted things to be a certain way. She didn’t have to go after me, but I could understand responding to that anxiety internally. Assuming I was even reading her right.

At the edge of the river, I noticed Eloise lingering by herself with her reddish outfit. Former pretty boy brunette. In face, I thought the boy version looked prettier than she did now. A certain harshness resided at the edges of her features, a vague presence evocative of junior high teachers who only people like me found themselves intimidated by. Fortunately, Siana wasn’t turned away and eagerly fanned a wave above her head to get her attention.

“Elle! Wanna go take the plunge?” She gestured with both hands towards the nearest slide. Eloise shifted both hands behind herself and moved towards us. While sifting through clarification of what Siana meant, Eloise actually spoke, “Isn’t it too busy right now? Marshy also had to go grab something.”

I don’t know what I was expecting to emerge from her, but my voice for speaking actually felt closer to the intended mark than wherever hers resided. Buff swimmers in high school had more girlish tones. Hers had a certain nasal lilt while vibrating roughly. It wasn’t a smoker edge, nor did it feel like she was pushing it a certain way. If I closed my eyes and just listen to her though, I didn’t get the sense of a boy. At the most, maybe someone butch. Not enough to gender warp but plenty to feel uncertain.

Maybe she wanted to be turned back into a boy and just had no real way to express it? It bothered me, but just a little bit. What was done was done and sinking into hypotheticals would only hurt me. Still, I could probably probe to see.

It wasn’t long before her friend, Marsha, showed up in a matching but not identical red outfit and a corn dog clutched between her teeth. “What’s up?” Her words felt casual and unhurried.

Uncertainty followed about Siana‘s enthusiasm to just grab the nearest slide. While Eloise’s flavor of it was terse but meandering with questions, Marsha nibbled and brushed back her blonde locks between pondering like a wistful stoner. It was as though someone pitched up and slowed down a monologue by Jeff Goldblum. Her voice also threaded a certain slot below the pitch I would’ve expected. It wasn’t androgynously mannish, but it played to the casual feeling.

I got a close-up taste of what they were like and the two were thick as thieves together, but I didn’t feel invited. With Siana leading the charge, we did make our way to the green slide with a path cloaked in large trees. In line, I turned roughly sideways so I could chat with Siena and the two of them. But I made a critical error.

Discussing food seemed like it would be an easy topic to get to know them. Start with the general feeling of the corn dog half-finished and then just broaden it from there. But the conversation diverted from the exorbitant price of the water park food to me somehow needing to defend corn dogs and then being battered between the scalding front of “things are too expensive” and the celebration of $8 Boba drinks with chirps from Marsha demanding to “gib dat” along with other random luxuries.

It bewildered me that neither of them connected the condemnation of one thing with their approval of the other. It felt as though they were presenting an ironic skit but neither of them realized the disconnect. Sadly, I recognized the feeling of frustration from so many conversations stretching from high school when I had a nagging awareness that I recognize something that other people ignored, to the same sickly feeling in college, to an overriding pain in online conversations.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I recognized that if I kept being social with the two of them then I was sure to run into more and more masochistic frustration and niggling feeling of their empty questions like I had felt so many times before. So, I politely nipped my involvement in the chat, turned curiously towards Siana, and made it seem like I was very interested in looking forward. What else could I do? If so many decades of pounding my social head against metaphorical granite walls with every effort can't resolve anything, then this day wasn’t going to either.