LIGHTNOVELONLINE 27. Preparations (Tess)
"Was there anything else you wanted to do while we're out?" Amy asked as we climbed into the car.
My mind raced. I wanted to put off going home as long as I could, I wanted to put off that conversation. But I couldn't say in honesty there was anything else I needed or wanted to do.
We got groceries last night so that was out. I doubted she was up for going for another walk, and for that matter neither was I. We were both still stiff and sore from the hike yesterday. I could have perhaps suggested we go see a movie or something, but that would seem too last-minute, she'd know I was just stalling. She might already suspect that now, as I sat there desperately trying to think of something, anything, to do instead of going home to discuss confronting the Goddess.
After a minute or two of awkward silence, Amy asked "Where is it you go to school? Is that around here?"
I was surprised by the question, but grateful for the distraction.
"Not exactly," I replied. "It's closer to the city, south and east of here. It takes me about an hour by bus to get to the campus from my place."
"Ah," she nodded. "I was wondering, since you didn't have a car."
"Why did you want to know?" I asked. "Were you interested in going to see it?"
Amy shrugged, "A little? I'm still thinking about trying college instead of going back to work. I know there's a bunch of questions about how to pay for it and all that, but I figured if I had a goal then I could maybe try and plan for it. And who knows, maybe my folks will eventually come around. Maybe they'd help me like they're doing for Hailey."
She added, "Anyways I was wondering where your college was, I thought I'd look the place up and see if they offered any courses that caught my eye."
That made me smile, "You want to go to the same school as me? I've only got one more year left, but that's sweet Amy."
My smile faded as I added, "I'd be happy to give you a tour around the campus, but like I said it's a bit of a drive from here. An hour by bus, maybe a half hour by car? It's up to you."
She started the engine but said, "Maybe we can plan ahead for next weekend. Or during the week even, I could pick you up from work one afternoon? For now let's just head back to your place."
My shoulders slumped slightly but I nodded quietly.
The drive home was much too short. Only minutes later we pulled into the visitor parking. Then it was just a brief walk into the lobby, a short ride up the elevator, and a dozen meters to my apartment door.
I got myself a can of cola but Amy passed on a drink for now, and the two of us sat down together on the sofa.
There were a few minutes of awkward silence, and I had a couple gulps of my soda as I waited for that difficult conversation to begin.
Amy gave me an apologetic look, then she took a deep breath and started it off. "Tess I know you don't like the idea, but I want to try asking the goddess directly for those answers. You asked me to do it with you, rather than doing it while I was alone somewhere? So I want to do it right now, while I'm here at your place."
My stomach went cold as I replied, "I've already told you how dangerous that is. Asking her to appear without the proper rites, there's no way of knowing how she'll react or what she'll do."
I continued, "And asking her to grant you the knowledge directly could be just as dangerous. Like I've said before, there's stuff we're just not meant to know. You have no way of knowing what sort of information she'll give you, or what that might do to you. Plus you'd be inviting her directly into your head, and you've been scared of that sort of thing happening to other people since all this began."
"I know," she replied. "We've been through this before Tess, I remember what you said the first time. I still think it's the only way. Like I said on Friday, I feel like we've run out of alternatives. There's nothing but dead ends, nowhere else to turn to get answers."
"What about experimenting with the magic?" I asked. "We talked about that on Friday too right? You said you'd think about it."
She nodded, "I have thought about it. And there's been some more magic since then, right? That staff appeared, and your hand was healed. So we know the magic can do conjurations, it can summon stuff out of nowhere. And we know it can heal. We also know it can change things, like clothes and ID, and my sister's hair. And we know it can change photographs, and make other ones disappear. We even know it can do stuff to people's thoughts or whatever? Like putting off that conversation with my roommate."
She shrugged as she continued, "So there's a lot of things we know the magic can do. But we don't know what the limits are. We don't know if it will run out, or what the cost of all this will be. And I still have that single biggest question of all, number one, top of my list. Why was I dragged into this in the first place? Why me?"
She added quickly, "I'm not complaining about that, not anymore. I'm happy to be here, I'm happy you and I are friends, and I'm grateful the goddess changed me into a girl. I don't want to lose or give up any of that. I just want to know why it happened in the first place."
I sighed, "I might have an idea about that. I'm afraid to say it, but there's something I've been thinking about recently. A theory I guess, that might explain how you got dragged into all this? It won't answer all your questions about the Goddess and magic, but it might answer the main one."
"What is it?" she asked. She sounded a little wary as she added, "And why are you afraid to tell me about it?"
After a brief hesitation I admitted "If it's true, then the whole thing really is my fault."
Amy shook her head, "I don't believe that. And even if you somehow started the whole thing rolling to begin with, I don't believe you meant any of this to happen. I'm not going to blame you, Tess. I won't be angry or upset. I promise."
I sighed again, but nodded "Ok. Here's what I was thinking..."
My cheeks were red as I explained my latest theory, that the Goddess was actually responding to my wish or desire about finding a girlfriend, without my even meeting her or asking for it. I pointed out all the ways that this situation brought Amy and I together, how it meant there was a reason for the two of us to work together trying to figure stuff out.
I reminded her how upset and anxious she was at first, how much she needed my help, even just needed me to be there while she cried and worked through some of her own issues about being trans.
Finally I concluded, "From that perspective, it's like the perfect set-up. She gave me exactly what I wanted, she hooked me up with a gorgeous girl my age, who needed my help, who was highly motivated to stick around while the two of us worked together on this mystery. And it worked, right? We've gotten closer, we've been sleeping together... You're even talking about going to the same college as me."
Amy was quiet as I talked, she had a thoughtful frown on her face but she didn't interrupt, and apart from the frown her expression didn't reveal anything else.
When I was finished she stayed quiet for another minute or so, but she finally just shook her head.
"I admit it does fit some of the facts," she stated, "But it feels a little too convoluted to me? I mean, surely there's plenty of other girls around who'd be available, who'd be compatible, and who wouldn't have all the baggage of being a confused closeted or in-denial trans girl."
After a brief pause she added, "Even if you're right about some of it, I feel like there still has to be more. It might explain some of the past nine days, but I don't think there's enough there to say why me in particular, out of all the other options. And it doesn't tell us anything of my other questions about the magic."
"I know," I sighed. "I get that it doesn't answer all the questions. But it still feels like it fits the situation."
She shrugged, "It fits, but that doesn't mean it's the right answer. And regardless, it's still just a theory. There's only one way to find out for sure if the theory is correct or not."
I cringed, "I know Amy, but I don't want you to do it. There's so many ways it could go wrong."
"I understand it scares you," Amy replied calmly. "It scares me too. But I need to know, and this seems like the only way to be sure."
She continued, "We've got lots of theories and speculation, but at the end of the day that's all they are. And some of these questions, I don't see it's possible to answer them any other way. Like will the wishes run out at some point? Will there be a cost for all this magic? The only way we'll learn that is either when it happens, or if I ask for the information directly."
I sighed, "I know. I know all that Amy. It's just..."
She watched and waited expectantly for me to finish what I was saying.
I lowered my eyes as I finally put it into words, "I don't want to lose you. I don't want to see you get hurt. And this feels like something that could hurt you."
She moved closer and pulled me into a hug, "I feel the same way Tess. But I have to do this. I'm sorry."
I hugged her back, I held her tightly against me for a few moments before I nodded slightly. "I understand. I don't like it, I don't want you to do it, but I understand."
We held each other like that for a few more seconds, before she finally pulled away.
"So I'm not going to ask her to show up in person," Amy decided. "I agree with you, that would be too risky. And I don't want to do anything that might endanger you. So I'm just going to ask for answers, for knowledge. I'll try and phrase it so it's not completely open-ended, like I'm not asking to know the secrets of the universe or the meaning life or anything like that? I'm just going to ask for the answers to my immediate questions."
I sighed again but told her, "I'll be right here with you incase you need me."
"Thanks Tess," she replied.
She leaned forward and gave me a kiss on the lips, and I leaned into it and pulled her into another hug. Because I enjoyed it, not just because I was trying to stall again.
Amy eventually pulled away and said, "Whatever happens Tess, I want you to know that I don't blame you. And I really appreciate everything you've done for me since we met. I've enjoyed all our time together, and I really hope we can keep doing stuff like we did this weekend."
That hit me deep in the feels and I took a couple deep breaths before I responded "Please don't talk like that. It sounds like you think something bad's going to happen after all."
"Sorry," she sounded like she meant it too. "But I wanted to make sure you knew."
I sighed and resisted pulling her into yet another hug. I didn't want her to get frustrated or think I was trying to stall even more.
"Ok," she stated as she sat back and got comfortable. "I'm going to take a minute or two to think out the safest way to try and phrase my question to the goddess. I'll let you know before I actually do it."
I nodded as she closed her eyes. A look of concentration settled on her face, while I quietly watched and worried.
