A Murder Wizards Adventure

I never wanted to be a father.

In fact, after Kizashi was born, crap I forgot to visit my family again, after Kizashi, I decided that I never want to have to take care of a child ever again.

But just ditching Tsunade and the baby would be far more effort than it's worth, and something tells me Minato won't forgive me if I did so.

Actually, that's not true. He would be mad at me sure, but he would probably forgive me anyway.

Because he would forgive me for anything, as I am his best friend.

Fuck it, I can say it, not only am I his best friend, but he is my best friend too.

Which is why I was the best man at his wedding, and it's also why he was the best man for my own wedding.

That's right, after the whole pregnancy thing, we decided to get married, which pushed Minato to finally gather the balls to propose.

Minato and Kushina got married a couple months ago, and Tsunade and I got married two weeks after.

Tsunade wanted to get married while she was visibly pregnant for some reason, some woman thing I guess that I have too much penis to understand.

Maybe it was like a territory marking kinda thing, I have no idea, and I don't care enough to understand it.

What I do understand is that I am twenty one, and babies are fucking 𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘥. Especially for Shinobi with enhanced senses.

Thankfully, my flat is large, since Tsunade and I both still have our own places, simply alternating where we stay, though most of the time it's at Tsunade's in the Senju compound, which is even larger, so wherever we were staying, there were enough walls to drown out the baby.

Honestly, my saving grace was Kushina and, surprisingly, Kumiko.

Should I be letting Kumiko anywhere near my baby girl? Most people would probably say no, but she is surprisingly good with babies.

I honestly expected her to be terrible, or to simply piss Tsunade off with dirty talk in front of the baby, but I guess she does know how to be mature.

Though, it was a bit awkward at first, being in a room with my wife and child as well as one of the first women I ever has sex with, repeated sex for years at that.

But eh, we got over it, Tsunade is well aware of my sexual past, even if we, understandably, don't really talk about it.

Oh, the baby is called Hanari, the name coming from the kanji for Hana, meaning flower, and Kusari, meaning chain.

We shortened it down a bit though, to make it less of a mouthful.

The reason for the name is to put a bit of each of us in it, flower form me, which is obvious since my name means 'petal', and chain for Tsunade, because her name means 'mooring rope' and that is close enough to a chain.

Hanari has a little tuft of pink hair that she obviously got from me, while she has a lovely pair of almond eyes that she got from Tsunade.

As expected, when I held the baby in my arms, there was no theatrical and sudden flash of paternal instincts that came over me, no sudden empathy and no unconditional love.

But I didn't expect there to be, nor am I disappointed that there isn't.

And really, life didn't change much, Tsunade is excited to be a mother so she is doing pretty much all of the work, and I might be using work as an excuse to escape it sometimes, but that doesn't work too well since she has a more demanding job than me.

Though, truthfully we are both often pulled away and we have to leave the baby in the hands of friends, mostly Tsunade's friends though, since my friends are all ANBU or just as busy, so not really suitable.

More importantly than some stupid baby or whatever, is that I got my tattoos done and done.

Honestly, I think they look great on me, something which Tsunade agrees with.

I now have tattoos lining my entire body, starting from my ankles, which each have two solid black rings, I have two solid black lines that go up the sides of my legs, curving to meet at the small of my back and climbing up my spine, where it splits to curve around just outside of my collar bone, over my shoulders, splitting to go down my arms as they do so, and meeting at my upper sternum.

From there, the solid black line travels down my sternum and then splits up into fine, swirling lines, each line a branch, each with flower petals sprouting from them, decorating my abs and sides with the petals that give me my name.

Meanwhile the lines that split at my shoulders go down my arm to meet at the two rings of black on my wrists, not only that, but I have an extra bit that goes from my wrist rings and splits into five lines that go to my knuckles and making a ring around each of them.

Tsunade joked that it made me look like an actual piece of art, but I like it, no matter how many times Mantis will tell me that it's way too feminine and that I should just permanently henge myself into a woman at this point.

But fuck that guy, I don't know if he's even lost his virginity the loser.

Anyway, the part of my tattoo that goes down to the knuckles is for dimensional attacks, when activated it basically, in simple terms, makes my hands exist 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 that usual.

It doesn't really make sense, but dimensional shit rarely does, but in theory, it should allow me to interact with things that do not fully exist in our dimension.

And by interact I mean rip the head off of.

But other than that, not much has really happened, the war is still going on, even if it is pretty quiet. Really, it's just Kumo being stubborn.

The war is basically over, the little villages have been put in their place and everyone is ready to go back to building up our forces for the next war.

It's a couple of years of nothing much happening, beyond draining recourses, which was exactly what we all wanted to avoid, later that I am called into a meeting room with the Hokage.

Not a normal meeting room at that, but an extra secret, super private meeting room that's covered in Fuinjutsu.

When I enter, I am greeted with Takeshi, Hiruzen and Danzo of all people.

"Yo, what's with the super secret meeting? We planning a coo or something?" I exclaim with a mischievous smile and and excited voice that makes Takeshi facepalm.

The other two seem even less appreciative of my bringing light to this gloomy atmosphere, Hiruzen frowning and Danzo straight up glaring at me, probably thinking something along the lines of, 'this brat and his impropriety'.

Stupid limp dick old men and their lack of humour.

"Haruno-san, the subject of this meeting is of the utmost importance, I would appreciate it if you treated it with the severity it deserves." Hiruzen says, neglecting to inform me of what exactly the subject of the matter is, and thus leaving me unable to understand the severity with which it should be treated.

But hey, not like I really care.

"Sure thing Hokage-sama, allow me to rephrase. Ahem, what did you need me for Hokage-sama, are we planning a coo?" I say, seriously this time, and once again causing Takeshi to facepalm, only he groans this time too.

Hiruzen looks disapprovingly upon me and Danzo glares more, but I just really don't care.

My child is three and is a massive pain in the ass, she has way too much energy and has been leaving Tsunade exhausted whenever she is home to take care of the tyke.

When I have to be the one taking care of it, I usually just invite someone female over so they can do it for me, either Kushina, who usually comes with Minato and makes not so subtle comments about having a kid of her own.

Or it would be Kumiko, even Yoshino a couple times when no one else was available, those times may have also had something of a 'happy ending' so to say, but who can say for sure?

I used to bully Shiori into helping me out too, but she's dead now, so I can't.

Squad Hawk got hit during a regular patrol. Some weaklings in the fodder patrols engaged a group of enemies that they shouldn't have and ended up running away from them.

Team Hawk came across the fleeing wastes of space, and assuming that they may be carrying vital information or something, for why else would they be running to Konoha with a tail of more than a dozen Shinobi?

But team Hawk engaged to buy time. None of them made it back. We only know what happened because the useless squad that got them killed survived.

Sucks for Hawk and her squad though, because their sacrifice was in vain as the people they died for mysteriously slipped down the stairs and accidentally found themselves tortured to death and left to rot in an unmarked grave.

Funny how that works out.

Coincidentally, the case involving their disappearance was also lost under the ever increasing mound of paperwork, and any record of their existence was also lost.

Such an unfortunate set of coincidences.

My attention is brought back to the room as the Hokage sighs and decides not to bother trying to get me to conform to military discipline, since I am important enough hat he can't really touch me anymore.

After all, I am the Senju Patriarch right now, if only by marriage, but that combined with my being a Sage, I am now one of the most politically influenceable people in the village, something that has the Nara Elders grinding their teeth, much to my amusement.

"We have a mission for you Haruno-san, a mission of utmost importance." Hiruzen says gravely.

I've never actually seen him so serious, and with Danzo here, I somehow doubt it's going to be something as simple as fighting a Jinchurriki.

I nod my head to show I understand and Danzo takes over for Hiruzen.

"As I'm sure you're aware, after the last war, no one wanted to have another prolonged fight. We knew the effect the drain of recourses would have on us and no once wanted to experience that again. This is why the fighting this time around was much more severe at the start of the war.

"Frankly, the war should be over by now, no one is even really fighting anymore, however, Kumogakure is refusing to acknowledge that the war is over, forcing it to continue. This is happening because the Daimyo of the land of Lightning believes there is still benefits to be gained from prolonging the war, and refuses to change his mind on the matter."

His words give me an idea of what the mission that lies ahead will be, and I have to be honest, the thought lights a fire in me. If it is what I think it is, then I may finally be able to experience some excitement again.

Takeshi picks up from Danzo, looking me dead in the eye with a wry smile as he can understand how I'm feeling, knowing me well enough at this point to understand how I will feal about the words he is about to speak.

"Hanabira Haruno, you are not only a Sage, but you are my greatest assassin, the best in the village, hell, the world in terms of stealth, and so, it is with great conviction and trust in your abilities that I bestow upon you this mission."

Come on you asshole, stop blue balling me and just say the god damn words already.

He smirks at the impatient look I am sending him, the prick.

"To kill the Daimyo of the Land of Lightning." He finally reveals, an air of finality behind his words.

I smile.

𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘯.

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A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!

I want you to know, it was really hard to have Hana be Shikamaru's dad while keeping to my plans and without fucking with the timeline. The only thing I fucked up was that Kakashi is now two years younger than canon.

had the actual kanji for the names but im not allowed to post them for sum reoson.

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