LIGHTNOVELONLINE Chapter 34 – Emotions are hard
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We spent a pleasant few hours with Chloe’s parents, regaling them about our heroic deeds down in the undercity. Eventually though they said their goodbyes, leaving the three of us alone in the living room, slouched on the sofa and just taking a few minutes to relax.
“That was nice,” I muttered, enjoying their presence next to me, “We should do this more often.”
“Yeah…” Chloe agreed, then looked at me, “How are you feeling?”
“Pretty good. Sleep did good by me. You?”
“I’m good. I had some opportunity to talk to Atlas about that upgrade you did,” she said, although I could hear some uncertainty there.
It was clear that she was conflicted still, and we reminded ourselves that it was to be expected. Hive-Minds weren’t human, they were alien. It would be weirder if she would jump at us after this new development.
“Yeah… It’s… different from what I expected,” I ventured, not quite sure how to broach the topic, “I mean, I’m still me. But I didn’t expect it to turn out like this…”
“He said that it is different from person to person,” she said with a nod.
“Kaysa mentioned. Still, I think I got a pretty good deal out of it. A weird deal, but a good one.”
“I don’t know anything about it,” Jenna chimed in, “What exactly did happen to you? You explained a bit earlier, but it was kind of hard to follow and not exactly the right time to ask questions.”
I nodded, gaze unfocused as I searched for the right words, “The best I can explain is that basically all of my drones have a sort of copy of my personality and we all are part of this grand chorus. Like a really oversized debate club. They aren’t just perfect copies either, they have some nuances. I’m their Queen, the head honcho. I’m in charge and could technically just tell them what to do and they’d do it, no questions asked. But they also debate, we debate, a lot. On different things. I can’t say too much about that yet, since I’ve only had this for a couple hours so far, but basically whenever a decision needs to be reached we discuss it. I can of course just overrule them, but that’s not always the best decision.”
“You know your internal dialogue, right?” I asked them, “A sort of debate with yourself when you have to make choices. Weighing one over the other, that kind of thing. It’s basically that, but with a lot of different versions of yourself. At the end of the day it’s your choice, you don’t need to listen to your internal debate, but it is helpful. Not to mention that they can direct all the different bodies, and since they are me I don’t even need to think about it. I can, of course, but in most cases they will probably reach the same conclusion as me.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad,” Jenna said with a smile, “I kind of expected something… I dunno, more alien?”
“It is pretty alien if you ask me,” Chloe said with a shrug, “Then again there are people like that without the drones and the protector upgrades. So maybe not?”
I chuckled, “I had the same thought, honestly when I first woke I thought I might need to visit an insane asylum.”
Both of them joined my chuckle with their own, making for a heavenly sound in my ears.
“Anyways, I’m still mostly myself. It’s just that I’m more than myself, for a lack of a better word. Should be pretty helpful when smashing xenos. Although they only know what I know, or rather, no single voice knows more than the whole. When one of us gains more knowledge we all gain it, but that only goes so far. We have some dedicated to cataloguing and analysing all new information, of course. But even then it means that all of us only know how to fight as well as I do, which means we need more knowledge. More training.”
Chloe frowned, “Not gonna lie, hearing you speak about yourself as this great whole is kind of creepy.”
That stung a bit, but I couldn’t fault her for it.
“I suppose it is. Sorry, I’m trying to keep a lid on it, but it’s part of me now.”
“Yeah, I get that. Might just need some getting used to,” she said with a half-smile that didn’t quite hide her uncertainty.
“Regardless,” I continued, “It did make me think about ways to train more. Or rather, learn anything really. Combat training would be good, of course, but I could do more with it. I never had an education, at least not since my da dropped me off in the redlight district. Maybe it’s time to correct that.”
“I talked to Cleopatra about that too,” Jenna said, “There are a few different ways to learn something. I already decided on Dream Learning for me, not only for fighting but also for how to play my bow.”
“Might be worth looking into for me as well,” Chloe said thoughtfully, “Although I wouldn’t know what to be honest.”
I looked over at Jenna, “I have another avenue for me, but that requires some time and space. Kaysa mentioned that you decided on the Legion Corvette thing, right?”
She nodded.
“Could I prevail upon you for a room in that thing? I can have my drones learn, who can then hand that knowledge over to the whole. It’s a bit less effective and a bit more time consuming, but for normal stuff like cooking and such it works well enough.”
“Sure, I can do that,” Jenna said with a smile, “I have more room than I know what to do with in that thing. Well, that’s not entirely true, but I’m not short on space. A room more wouldn’t be too much of an issue.”
“Awesome, thanks,” I said, giving her a slight squeeze.
Once more there was silence in the room and I let it. Now that I thought about it, I couldn’t remember the last time I was this content with just being in a room with someone. On the job I didn’t have the opportunity for that often, and my off hours were mostly spent taking drugs somewhere.
That thought had me frowning again, not sure how to feel about going back to being a joytoy.
“Something wrong?” Jenna asked, noticing my expression.
I shook my head, “It’s just… About Chloe’s comment earlier. About my job. I’m a bit undecided.”
Part of me was still undecided if I should even bring it up with them, but we had all decided together that communication was key. This question couldn’t be dealt with unless it was spoken about. And while we worried, we also knew that both Chloe and Jenna knew about what exactly it all entailed, and were likely to accept it. If only because they knew I loved the job and would love to continue doing it.
“From what I understand you quite like it, right?” Jenna asked, “More than I do, anyways.”
“Yes, but that’s also part of the problem. I do like it. Love it even. But…” I paused, trying to find the right words, “Now I’m no longer alone in my life. I have you two, and if I’m frank about it, I’m kind of looking to the future with this, but… I wouldn’t mind if you two stayed in my life, if you know what I mean. I’m anxious that you might disagree with me doing what I do, if we ever get the chance to… you know…”
Ugh, why was it so hard to just talk to them about it? Normally I never had any issues expressing myself, but with these two right there it was hard to think of the right way to even get to it.
It didn’t help that the chorus was offering hundreds of different ways to broach the topic, each trying to help. But in that moment it was more hindrance than help.
“Sorry,” I muttered, shaking my head.
“No, no, it’s fine,” Chloe said with a smile, “And I don’t think it’s a secret how you feel. I think. Hell, even I picked up on it by this point. Not that you were too… subtle about it yesterday.”
She chuckled, “And I don’t mind. To be perfectly honest,” she continued with a slight blush, “I think it’s… I dunno, kinda hot? That you are this… You know what you want and you don’t hide it, the opposite really. You scream it to the world proudly. It’s not something I could do. It’s what I like about you. And if you’re worried about, you know, sleeping with others… I don’t mind that either.”
A long awkward silence followed, before I chuckled, “It’s kind of strange to talk about it. We’ve known each other for what, maybe two and a half days, let’s be generous and say three. To talk about these things… Oh boy.”
“Yeah…” Chloe agreed with a soft voice, “I’m not sure how things will go, I’m not sure I’m entirely sure I’m ready for it… But I’m willing to keep my options open.”
I glanced at Jenna, unsure how to approach her on it.
She noticed my glance and gave me a rare, faint blush and an awkward smile in return, “For me, I’m not that certain yet. This is all rather new to me, and things are moving a lot faster than I am comfortable with, sorry. I don't mind your job, but the rest? If you even want me, since, with you and Chloe…”
I chuckled, then pulled her closer, “Oh, believe me I do, In that regard it's up to her. But maybe right now isn’t the right time. We have a couple of days at the very least. Maybe now that the chaos is over we can take the time to explore the notion, see where it gets us and how we like it.”
It could have gone worse. Sure, it also could also have gone a lot better, but at least they didn’t seem too creeped out by us. And they hadn’t thrown us to the wind yet, Chloe even said that she was keeping her options open, so maybe we had a chance.
I was quite glad to hear that they didn’t mind my job. That had kind of been a big worry of mine, considering that I did really like doing it, and at this point I think I would go insane without that outlet. Playing with myself only got me so far and I doubted that either Chloe or Jenna were up for that kind of nightly fun.
To be honest, maybe I had worried too much about that. Chloe had obviously really liked the idea of me having a go with that soldier at the inner city gates on my first day as a Samurai. I wasn’t sure if she was a voyeur or a cuck, maybe both, maybe she just liked the idea of me bending over for anyone who paid. Or in that specific case, had the balls to ask.
Or maybe it was just as she had said, and she simply liked that I embraced what I was without any shame. I was pretty open about it after all. Whatever it was, she had been pretty obvious about her opinion on the matter from the get go.
Jenna had been the one that had me truly worried.
Maybe that was our conversation at the gates and her obvious dislike at how people looked at both her and me. But she didn’t seem too hung up on it, at least once she got to know us better during the following day. And while she personally didn’t like it, she never made any move to change our own path. She was who she was, and she was mainly worried because of her own dislike of her job, not our liking of our own.
Now that I thought about it, the entire episode with Jenna was a bit strange, even for us. My love for Chloe I could get, she had been there ever since the entire mess had started and she was pretty damn right in the middle of my strike zone. She had been there to help and to save me, to save all of those that I had managed to get out of the brothel. I had liked her a lot the moment we met, so me going this far was not unexpected. But Jenna…
We wondered where that had come from. Was it simply because we liked the way she took responsibility for her own actions? Or was it the way we met which made me feel like I had to take care of her? Or maybe it was something else. She was a pretty, albeit a tad quiet, woman who, despite setbacks, carried herself with grace. At least once she had gotten out of that funk we found her in. She was smart and whenever she spoke she knew exactly what she wanted to say. We could definitely see ourselves go for someone like that. Hell, we did.
Regardless, she had been the one I was mainly worried about in regards to my job. She was a joytoy herself, or at least had been, so perhaps that should have clued me in, but then again she was pretty unhappy with her time working the sheets, so maybe my worry was justified.
The important thing was that she didn’t seem to mind. I just hope that she didn’t just say that to placate me. But if that’s the case then she couldn’t blame me for it. I wanted to be supportive and understanding, but I couldn’t be held accountable for her actions. And if I tried to bend myself over backwards with everything, then I would just end up getting lost.
Anyways, today wasn’t the day to continue that talk, so I decided to switch the topic.
“Now, I remember Lt. Blake, I think he was called, mention something about a Family meeting,” I continued, checking the time, “When was that again?”
“Today at six,” Chloe said, “We have some time until then.”
“Still a couple of hours. Guess I best head out then if I want to talk to Tina today,” I muttered, then stretched lavishly, which had Chloe look me over. I gave her a moment to give me a full once over, revelling in the appreciation obvious in her gaze.
“Still want to come with?” I asked Jenna, who nodded.
“Alright,” I said, then got up, “Probably better to head out now then. What are you gonna do?”
Chloe shrugged, “Probably shopping. I’m nearly out of groceries, so I want to grab something for dinner. Tomorrow we can go out and shop for the three of us, I don’t know what you like.”
Thinking about it for a moment I shrugged, “I’m fine with whatever. Never was one to cook, so I’ll trust your expertise.”
The other two got up and I caught Chloe in a tight hug, “I’ll see you later then,” I said quietly with a warm smile.
She smiled in turn, tussled my hair like I was a child, which surprisingly I didn’t mind at all, then hugged me closer for a moment, “Yeah. Take care of your friends, okay?”
“Will do!”
After a moment we separated, Jenna and Chloe shared a quick hug, before the two of us walked outside.
Of course the Queen’s Guard followed us, once more invisible, and on the way to the door we were met with the Hive Princess, who gave me a shallow bow.
“My Queen,” she said in that strange voice of hers.
I gave her a quick once over, “You need a name,” I said matter of factly.
“A name?” she asked, giving me a contemplating glance.
“Yeah. If only so that I can refer people to you. I know for us names are a bit redundant, but normally people have a name to go by.”
“But we are one. We are Myriad.” Her reply surprised me a little.
“Myriad?” I asked in surprise, then gave Jenna a glance who was watching us with curiosity.
“What do you think?” I asked her.
She shrugged, “It works, I think. You are one big Hive, right? And you are Myriad, the Living Weapon swarm,” she motioned to my shirt, “Don’t forget you are a Samurai, some oddness won’t be amiss. People will accept that, even if they might be a bit creeped out about it. But that can work to your advantage, I think. Keep them off balance. Also…”
She trailed off, searching for the right words, “I think it would help to solidify what you are in this. You are still Seraphine. I’m not sure how exactly this all works, but I won’t deny some anxiousness about you changing more… drastically. Having some distinction between you and the rest of the Hive might be good, I think.”
I took a moment to think about it. The chorus agreed, and her arguments made sense on a personal level. I hadn’t thought too much about it, but I would lie if I didn’t have the same fears. Losing myself wasn’t something I was keen on. We were one whole, we were Myriad, but I was still Seraphine. Of course, in my role as Samurai I would be Myriad too, as I was part of the whole. But maybe on the day to day it would be good to have some kind of more formal distinction, like Jenna said.
What did surprise me was that the chorus agreed so readily. And that they shared my fear of losing myself, at least to a degree. They were me, as a base, sure, but they were also alien. I would have thought that they would welcome me being a proper part of it all.
“It makes sense,” I pondered, “But I feel like it could make things complicated. Oh well, we’ll deal with it when we get there. Okay, so you are Myriad, I am Seraphine.”
“Yess, My Queen,” Myriad said, bowing.
“Want to join us?” I asked her, and she nodded, although it seemed like an alien motion to her, as if she was tasting it.
“Yess, My Queen. You wish to help the disstrict, we wish to help the disstrict. It might be good for me to have a proper idea of what needss doing.”
I wasn’t gonna lie, it warmed my heart to see the chorus so ready to help me in my endeavours. We were one, yes, but they were still alien. Perhaps I still hadn’t yet internalised what it would mean to be a proper Hive, all working towards one goal. Or maybe hearing it spoken aloud just underlined the slow acceptance of what I was, and that they would be there to help me. Thinking about it was good, mentally debating and discussing things was helpful. But to hear it actually in a voice spoken not my own… It gave the entire thing gravitas.
“Good. Then let’s go, shall we?”
We filed out of the house, Jenna’s Sentinels neatly falling into step behind us, while Myriad and the Queen’s Guard followed behind me. The Queen’s Guard remained invisible, but Myriad did not, even though she could have if she wanted to.
The sun was high in the sky and I took a moment to appreciate the feeling of its warm embrace on my skin. Good weather like this was a rarity, most often than not it was raining, in most other cases there was at least heavy cloud cover completely blocking out the sun. So the few times that the sun did shine was a nice change of pace. That today was one of those rare days made me feel hopeful for the future.
Of course we had quite a lot of eyes on us. Chloe’s house had already been the center of attention, what with three Samurai living there in a quite obvious fashion, so I wasn’t surprised. Not that I minded either.
“The Najav will pick us up in the outskirts of town,” I explained to Jenna, “Wouldn’t want to ruin their streets by having it burrow through them.”
She nodded and we walked in silence for a little while.
“I’m not sure if I should get the Legion Corvette now or later,” Jenna said eventually, “I do have the points, but it is quite the big purchase. I wouldn’t even know where to keep it when I don’t need it.”
“How big is it exactly? You mentioned that it’s quite large, larger than the Enforcer, but I’m having a hard time imagining just how big. The Enforcer already was a lot bigger than I had anticipated.”
“The base design is roughly seventy meters long, but I will get the upgraded one. The Legion Corvette is modular, which means I don’t need to get the full thing in one go, but I decided to go with the bigger version as the basis to make sure I had enough room to fit everything inside. The one I want to get is one hundred ninety seven meters long, roughly forty meters high, and just shy of ninety five meters wide. It can easily carry the Legion Enforcer and your Najav with room to spare. Not sure yet what I want inside, although some things are already decided on, like Sentinel production and maintenance facilities, a proper bedroom and shower, storage for my Sentinels… I could even store quite a lot of your drones.”
My eyebrows rose as she spoke, “That’s one big toy. How much will it cost you?”
“At the moment 21450 points. I could technically upgrade it a bit more, but that would leave me with fewer points than I want to have.”
“You have that many points?” I asked, a bit surprised. She hadn’t spent as much as I had I knew, but she also couldn’t have made as much as I had considering the fall off from her Sentinels.
“Not exactly. Chloe and I sat down in the morning going over things. She offered to supply additional funds since she is drowning in them and doesn’t have anything big she wants to get. Which means that I get some of her upgraded weapon systems and in exchange she gets some specialised rooms for weapons maintenance and storage. Her logic was that if we continue working together, putting together a proper base of operations with sufficient fire power would be a priority.”
I nodded at that, it made sense.
It should be mentioned, Kaysa cut in, That the three of you are in quite the unique position. Normally freshly minted Vanguards don’t come close to your point total. If it hadn’t been for the undercity issues and the lack of properly equipped Vanguards in the city, you would fall quite short in terms of points gained, much more in line with typical fresh Vanguards.
I nodded at that, “I figured as much. If every new Samurai would make this many points in their first days, things would probably be a lot different. Still, I don’t mind helping you out with points a bit. You both helped me get started with my Hive and the Najav. I have just under 18k to spend, I’d be willing to supply a good chunk for additional transportation since that’s my priority at the moment. Call it… 8k? That leaves me with more than enough for my own purposes and should allow us to upgrade it quite a bit, right?”
She smiled at me, “Thanks. And yes, it would make things a lot easier. It would probably be best if we sit down together later to think about what we need.”
“Of course. And I like the idea of working together. We can get a lot of things done.”
“Indeed,” she replied with a smile.
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