A Gamer's Guide To Beating The Tutorial

nervously checks His cue-cards.>

punches

the God of Cowardice

in the gut.>

has fallen.>

I glance away from my fishing. What in the heck is this all about? Can’t you see I’m busy? You’ll scare away the fish!

clears Her throat-equivalent.>

is on the floor.>

kicks

the God of Cowardice.>

has risen.>

<[Er-herm,]>

I blink, unamused, at the hijinks.

progress: 365/365 [COMPLETE]>

progress: 23/23 [COMPLETE]>

<[Henceforth, you have earned

the right to become an Apostle of

the Goddess of Want

and the God of Cowardice.]>

Oh, uhhh… That’s… great, I guess? To be honest, I completely forgot this was a thing. And considering how Benevil is… was… I’m not too excited by the possible implications at play. Frowning slightly, I throw out my line again. I might have made a mista—

<[But you don’t want that,

do you, Lo Fennrick?]>

Mmm. I suppose not. My cowardice and my want are things I want to step away from, not indulge. Also, if I had to follow the orders of these types of people… Even if it grants me some weird powers… It might not be what’s best for me. So, essentially—you’re right. I kind of don’t want this.

<[Good. I expected as much,

my darling pet. You are

much too fabulous to

be tied down to a pair of

croons such as Us.]>

<[Which is why, with permission

granted from the 211th Divine Deliberation,

We henceforth declare…]>

elbows

the God of Cowardice

in the ribs.>

<[Th—that you shall be given,

instead of the Apostleships…

um… This…]>

The reality in front of my eyes appears to fracture and split apart as light is broken into halves and quarters, the world cracking into pristine, crystalline arrays of dizzying light and nauseating shadows. Rather than a thunderball, it’s as though a continuously self-folding ball of light has materialized before my eyes, rending the space around it as it proves itself too unreal for existence to handle. The light is so strong the lake appears to become translucent. I can see all the fish I could have caught, rushing away to the other side of the lake.

Damn it.

As I ruefully reel in my no longer useful line, the prism of light in front of me begins to crackle and fold onto itself, becoming smaller and smaller, the refracting light gaining color and texture, beams of red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple shooting out in all directions. I turn to look at Hunter. He shrugs at me, merely amused. So, no answers there.

My attention returns to the infinitely folding array of light. Ah, no, wait, now that I look closely, it seems to become smaller, piece by piece, bit by bit, each fold pulling in another bit of light, as though someone was making origami using reality as paper, one fold here, another there, invisible hands pulling and pushing and twisting and turning, until, finally, the light has been folded into a small, compact little shape, no bigger than a ladybug. The piece of light floats before me, and purely by instinct, I hold out my hand, watching with mild interest as it slowly sinks down atop my hand. And once there, the light cracks, some small little thing inside stepping out like a bug shedding its cocoon.

And what’s left in my hand is a tiny spider, white in color, the light refracting into spots of yellow and pink, with eyes that shine like opulent pearls.

…What the hell is this?

A status message helpfully pops up to answer my please.

It’s… an angel?

“Would you look at that,” Hunter says, wading over to me. “So that’s what They wanted to give you!”

The little spider… angel… thing looks up at me with glittering, beady eyes.

“Um, what am I supposed to do with this?”

He furrows his brows at me. “Well, it’s—”

<[It’s yours!]>

glowers at

the God of Hunting.>

“Oh, ah, sorry,” Hunter says sheepishly, scratching the back of his head.

apologizes sincerely.>

accepts the apology

and clears her throat.>

<[Rather than following the boorish

whims of Myself and My eyesore,

you will have your own desires to grant.

This angel was created by pooling Our

resources, requesting favors, and begging Our

followers to gain enough divinity.]>

So, you’re saying I should be grateful?

There’s no reply. Oh, wait, yeah, they can’t read my brain anymore. Duh-doy.

“Am I supposed to be grateful?”

<[Of course not!

You earned that angel

with your own strength.

We merely dictated when the

right time to grant it was.]>

“And you chose now, because…” But even though I ask that, I get no response. I huff a sigh. “Alright, sure, whatever.” I meet the little spider’s eyes. “So, um… What can I do with it?”

<[Excellent question.]>

“...Yeah, so, I’d like an answer. What can it do?”

glares meaningfully at

the God of Cowardice.>

regrets ascending.>

Ah. Okay, gotcha. You don’t know either.

<[Unfortunately, We can’t remain

for much longer. We’ve got prayers to answer,

churches to build…]>

<[We do?]>

brutalizes

the God of Cowardice.>

<[Indeed. Now, have fun

with your angel! Ta-ta for now, love!]>

And off they are. Well, okay, I can still feel a divine presence, but… Ah, no, I think she just dragged him away. Right. Gotcha.

Frowning, I turn to look at the little spider again. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a creature that looks quite as innocent as this one does. It looks like it was born just now, which it technically was.

…I don’t think I’m ready to be a father. How can they put this little thing in my hands? I mean, these are my hands we’re talking about! Talk about being irresponsible grandparents. Though, I mean, looking at it… It’s looking at me…

“Hey there, little, uh… angel…” I feel myself frown. I can’t just call it ‘angel’ or ‘thing.’ Can’t call it an ‘it’ either, so… I move my thumb close to it. It pokes my thumb once, twice, before stepping on. Then, once on, it begins rushing around, running in excited little circles, like a dog finally let out. I chuckle. “Alright, alright, I get it. In that case, I think I’ll call you… Simon.” It pauses its zooming to look up at me, eyes sparkling. “How do you like it? Simon the spider?”

He jumps into the air and begins climbing around my hands even faster. Chuckling, I let him run between my hands, across my palms, over my fingers… Then, as though realizing something, he suddenly flies up my forearm, fast as a loosened rocket, all the way up my neck and onto my face, where he perches himself atop my nose. “Wow, you’re a fast one, huh?” And even though he’s sitting down, Simon keeps tapping his feet, unable to stay still for even one moment. “An energetic angel. I guess that fits you, huh?”

I reach up to gently remove him from my nose, only to watch in astounded terror as he jumps into my right eye. I blink.

“H—hey! Get out of there, I don’t want to—”

A little shadow falls over my vision, blotting out half of the lake, before suddenly disappearing, the removed spots being replaced piece by piece by what I saw before, almost as though filled in with a bucket tool. What the heck is he—

Hell Challenger Lo Fennrick

into Divine Network.

Please stand by…>

I blink.

What the heck is this…?