A Gamer's Guide To Beating The Tutorial

“Another bloodless victory! Has Kitty turned over a new leaf, or is he saving his claws for the big finale? Let’s find out! Everyone, please welcome the Hard Difficulty floor thirty-six—Wait, hang on…” Pain abruptly pauses, turning away from the audience. While He’s nodding and listening intently to what looks to be a firefly whispering into his ear, the audience mumbles between each other. Confusion and uncertainty seems to be the biggest reaction, not that I care. What I care about is the fact that Moleman and Rice are still cheering for me. That’s all that matters.

After about half a minute, Pain turns back to us. “Yeah, uh, it seems the next challenger has decided to throw in the towel! Unfortunate, huh? In that case, I suppose we’ll move right onto the next challenger, assuming Kitty doesn’t want to take a break?” I glare up at Him. He smiles down at me. “Thought not. In that case, let’s all welcome the skilled GlintInShadow of the fortieth floor Normal Difficulty, with his stunning level of ninety-six, a whooping fifteen above that of Kitty!” There’s a pause. “Uh, you are willing to fight, aren’t you?”

A ninja shows up in the arena in a puff of smoke. “Yeah,” he says once the audience has calmed down a little. “I’m willing to show this beast how a true battle goes.”

“Is that so? Wonderful! In that case, let’s get right into it. Ready… set… Go!”

The ninja throws something at me. Ah, there’s a needle in my forehead.

“That,” the ninja says, “is one of the strongest poisons in all of Purgatory. It is so potent that it remains nameless, though the account of its lone surviving eater has dubbed it ‘Yellow Fluffylady’, in reference to its deceptively beautiful outside. Within moments, you will lose feeling in your tongue and face, and your brain will start to shut down. You are already—”

I pluck the needle from my forehead and stick it in my mouth.

…Mm! I thought I recognized lady number two! It sure has been a while since we last met, huh?

Poison Protection Lv.10>

Poison Immunity Lv.1>

…Whoa, that’s new! Immunity? Is that what the next step is called? Whoa.

“What the hell did you just—”

Ignoring the ninja’s insipid ramblings, I pull up my skills menu. Let’s see here… Ah, there it is!

<[Poison Immunity (Lv.1)]

Evolved version of [Poison Protection]. Grants

strong immunity towards poisons and venoms.

Body becomes slightly poisonous

to counteract poisons as needed.>

…Wait, what? Seriously? That last bit is a new clause, and I’m not sure how to feel about it. ‘As needed’ suggests that I’m not always poisonous, but the system’s skill explanations have always left a lot to be desired, so it’s not like I can take it at face value. No, I’ll need to test this out. And I happen to know the perfect guinea pig.

“Hey, stop ignoring me! Damn it, I’ll show you…!”

Throwing down another smoke bomb, he uses a skill or something to approach closer, which was probably not a very good idea, because as soon as he’s next to me, I simply snatch the knives out of his hands, throw them in the moat, and swipe his feet from under him, taking a page out of my former opponent’s book. With him on the floor, I kneel down across his chest, shove my hand inside the stab wound I got earlier, grab a handful of tissue, and shove said handful of tissue into his loudly cursing mouth. His eyes go wide and he seems like he’s about to spit or puke out what I just put in his mouth, and I can’t really have that, so I lean down and force his mouth closed.

He tries to fight it, screams muffled between my fingers, and after a few seconds, he passes out.

…But he didn’t technically die, and I have no idea if he got properly poisoned, so…

I’m just about to slice open my wrist and stick it in his slack mouth when Pain calls it quits.

“Putting his enemy out of commission nonlethally, Kitty has once again won the match! It almost seems like Kitty wanted to go further, but since his enemy has indeed passed out from fear, there’s no need for it. What a bold strategy, to make someone surrender simply by forcing them into becoming a cannibal! Deciduous as always, Kitty.”

No, wait, I didn’t find out if he got poisoned or not! Don’t you dare—

While I’m still trying to feed him blood, two copies of the goddess of compassion saunter in, grab him and drag him away, leaving me to tumble off as if someone pulled the rug out from under me. How dare they steal my guinea pig? Give him back damn it!

Ignoring me and my righteous anger, Pain continues talking. “Now, unfortunately, it seems the next challenger has also decided to surrender. Apparently, the prospect of being forcefully fed someone’s blood has a deterring effect. Who would’ve thought it? With that said, our next challenger is one who needs no introduction.

“Ladies, gentlemen and sewer creatures, I present the beloved desert flower of the America server, the pioneer of the Hard Difficulty, former sharpshooter olympian and current archeress, with her shocking level of one-hundred-and-five, entering on stage left: BeatriceTheAngel!”

The audience roars.

I turn to watch her approach.

She grins at me.