You’ve Got Mail: A Cautionary Tale

Chapter 35 — The Prince of Lanling of Pengornises

Edited by DancingDolphinsYo

The little interlude of the fight amongst the aunties did not cause a very big wave in the county. The public displays of affection between Wu Xingzi and Guan Shanjin had been witnessed by many people, and the news spread rapidly throughout the county. Only Auntie Li and her gang still insisted that Wu Xingzi knew demonic charms.

However, Wu Xingzi had never been bothered about rumours. Since Auntie Liu had reacted on his behalf, he naturally glossed over the matter.

What was most important now was to make dumplings. Previously, there was only him alone. As it was too troublesome, and as well as being afraid of not finishing them, Wu Xingzi often only prepared savoury tangyuan. Now, there was Guan Shanjin around this year, and Wu Xingzi was seized by a sudden whim to prepare sweet tangyuan filled with sesame and pine nuts.

The meat was top quality pork belly, well marbled with fat. The texture was smooth and tender, and it was first treated with alcohol and ginger slices to get rid of any smell. After that, it was minced finely and seasoned, then mixed with chopped celery and fried red onions to make a filling.

Guan Shanjin’s actions were skillful, and his fingers were deft. One by one, round and plump meat dumplings were formed, and just by looking, one’s saliva would pool.

Wu Xingzi prepared the sweet tangyuan. To differentiate the sweet and savoury ones, he placed a red dot on the sweet ones, and they looked even more festive.

With four hands, the two people were soon done. They had made nearly sixty dumplings.

Wu Xingzi was a little worried. The dumplings he made were not small, and he did not know if they could finish them.

However, he did not have too much time to ponder over it, as there were still many things to be done. Pasting the paper cutouts, the spring couplets as well as changing the bedclothes and other things, Wu Xingzi did not know why there were so many things to do. Previously, when it was just him alone, his New Year was spent very simply. Even if he did all these things on New Year’s Eve, there was more than enough time!

Time flew when they were busy. Guan Shanjin took charge of nearly all work to be done in the kitchen. The only thing Wu Xingzi did on New Year’s Eve was to cook the savoury dumplings. It was only because Guan Shanjin did not know how to season the soup, so he had no choice but to let him come into the kitchen.

When the dishes of the reunion dinner were all placed on the table, the two people cleaned themselves up, changed into new clothes, and got together to share the meal.

It had to be admitted that Guan Shanjin’s culinary skills were fantastic. He had even prepared a dish of chrysanthemum fish. Crispy on the outside and tender on the inside, the sauce was sweet and sour with a slight tinge of spiciness. It looked like a flower blooming amidst water, so delicious that one was tempted to even swallow their own tongue along with it.

“Would you like to have a small drink with me?” Guan Shanjin knew that Wu Xingzi had poor alcohol tolerance. However, thinking that the New Year only happened annually, a small drink would not be a big deal. As such, he got Su Yang to prepare a light and sweet plum wine. It was a weak wine that had only been fermented for two years, and even children could not get drunk on it.

“Yes, yes.” The wine had only been partially unsealed, but Wu Xingzi could already smell the light fragrance of the wine. He was not good at drinking, but he liked the atmosphere of drinking, and so he promptly nodded his head.

As expected, the wine was a good one. The flavour of the plum was slightly tart, but it tasted dry and sweet on the tongue. Holding onto the cup, Wu Xingzi took one sip after another. Both people did not speak much, but the atmosphere was warm and intimate.

Guan Shanjin did not eat much. What he liked better was drinking the wine with the accompaniment of the image of Wu Xingzi eating with gusto. Eating and drinking, Wu Xingzi finally cleared all the dishes on the table, and his cup was empty too.

“Another cup?” Guan Shanjin asked casually. He thought that Wu Xingzi would refuse him. After all, this old man’s face was already flushed and his eyes were shining brightly, with a foolish grin hanging off his lips.

“Sure.” Who would have thought that Wu Xingzi would happily hold up his cup to Guan Shanjin, waiting for his next cup?

He truly looked too obedient and harmless. Caught off guard, Guan Shanjin ended up pouring him a second cup. Wu Xingzi downed this cup even faster, emptying it in two or three mouthfuls. After a burp, his drunken smile turned even more dopey.

“Wu Xingzi?” Guan Shanjin realised that the situation was not turning out right and reached out to shake his arm.

It only aggravated the situation. With Guan Shanjin’s action, Wu Xingzi fell backwards. Alarmed, Guan Shanjin quickly pulled him into his arms, and the old fellow, tilting all over the place, squinted his eyes at him. In his gaze, there was a solemness that had never been seen before.

“So what are you looking at?” Sighing, Guan Shanjin wanted to remove the cup in Wu Xingzi’s hand. However, Wu Xingzi refused to let go, even licking the lip of the cup with the tip of his tongue, as though he was reminiscing over the taste of the wine.

“I… I recognise you.” Once these words left Wu Xingzi’s lips, Guan Shanjin knew that Wu Xingzi was drunk. He still remembered how chatty a drunk Wu Xingzi was, and he felt particularly resigned.

“What a coincidence, I recognise you too.” Explaining things to a drunkard was a waste of time. Wu Xingzi would also not remember anything after he sobered up, and so Guan Shanjin just went along with what he said.

“Oh?” Wu Xingzi leaned his face closer to Guan Shanjin, staring at him for quite some time before praising him with a blush. “Ah, you’re really good looking.”

“I feel the same way.” Guan Shanjin laughed lightly. The last time they were drinking in Restaurant of Songs, Wu Xingzi had also repeatedly mentioned how good looking he was. This old thing had an ordinary appearance, but he did like looking at beauties.

“Mn… Who are you?” The actions of the drunk, unsteady Wu Xingzi were more daring than usual.

He reached out, cupping Guan Shanjin’s face in his hands, almost plastering his nose right against that handsome profile. Guan Shanjin allowed Wu Xingzi to do so, only supporting him slightly to prevent him from falling.

“Coming so close, are you able to see clearly?”

“Can… I can…” Wu Xingzi burped drunkenly, twitching his nose to sniff at Guan Shanjin’s scent. A sudden realisation came over his face. “I know who you are!”

“Oh? So, who am I?” Guan Shanjin laughed at him. Because of his drunken state, Wu Xingzi looked even more befuddled than usual. His lips were stained crimson, but he looked neither feminine nor effeminate, tempting people to lean in for a taste.

Staring at those dewy lips, enchanted, Wu Xingzi wriggled into Guan Shanjin’s arms, answering proudly. “You’re the pengornis… burp… spirit coming to life! Burp!”

Guan Shanjin did not know if he should feel angry or amused. Kneading at Wu Xingzi’s cheeks, he spoke resignedly, “You’re drunk. I’ll settle this with you tomorrow!”

He knew it. He should not have let Wu Xingzi touch the wine. All he wanted was a small drink to brighten the festive mood, but who would have known that Wu Xingzi still could not last beyond the second cup? Just look at what he was saying, a pengornis spirit?

If he was a pengornis spirit, the first thing he would do was to swallow this dizzy old quail down, including his skin and bones! Like this, he would not anger him anymore.

However, this old fellow was drunk to oblivion. Rolling about in Guan Shanjin’s arms, nibbling on Guan Shanjin’s lips and neck as he called out how delectable it was, it seemed like Wu Xingzi planned on hugging his head and nibbling until the end of the days.

Such a fuss, would they still be able to sleep tonight?

Wu Xingzi suddenly calmed down, obediently nesting in Guan Shanjin’s embrace, and stared at him with bright eyes.

“What are you looking at this time?” Guan Shanjin asked resignedly.

“I’ll show you my darlings.” Holding his cup in his mouth, Wu Xingzi smiled blearily, wearing a gleeful and mysterious expression on his face. “You can’t tell anyone about it, especially that… that… Prince of Lanling.”

Prince of Lanling? Who? Guan Shanjin felt gloomy, but he still nodded and agreed.

Of course, the drunk Wu Xingzi did not care if Guan Shanjin sincerely wanted to see his darlings. Hazily, he felt that the person in front of him was very close to him, as they had worshipped his ancestors together. So, he could not help but want to show off his darlings to him.

“Follow me.” Wu Xingzi tried getting up a few times, wanting to stand. However, his limbs were weak, and instead he seemed like a turtle flopping about. No matter how much he tried, he was unable to flip over. He sighed, and Guan Shanjin lifted him up in a bridal carry. “Come, lead the way and I’ll bring you there.”

Guan Shanjin never knew his patience and temper could be this good.

“Sure sure sure. Hey, as a pengornis spirit, you’re really nice. Can I keep you?” Obediently leaning his head on Guan Shanjin’s chest, Wu Xingzi’s tone carried a trace of longing, but he did not look at Guan Shanjin.

Instead of answering, Guan Shanjin nudged the person in his arms, reminding him not to forget what he was supposed to be doing. Under Wu Xingzi’s direction, Guan Shanjin entered the bedroom, opened the cabinet, and took out the meticulously kept rattan case, placing it on the bed alongside Wu Xingzi.

It could be seen that Wu Xingzi treasured this rattan case extremely. He even carefully wiped his hands before opening the case, and a faint scent of herbs to repel insects wafted out. As expected, the first thing taken out was a sachet. Sitting by the bed, Guan Shanjin could see that inside the case there were some drawings.

An ominous feeling welled up within Guan Shanjin. He opened his mouth, wanting to ask Wu Xingzi to stop. However, Wu Xingzi’s actions were faster. He proudly and cautiously took out the drawings, and waved at Guan Shanjin, showing them off.

“Come come, take a look. These are all your brothers.”

Brothers? He was an only child, how did he have brothers?

When Guan Shanjin finally saw what the brothers were, he was so angry that he could only laugh.

Damn you, you old thing! I’ve said that your lewdness is all repressed in you, and you’re really so shamelessly lewd!

“These are your darlings?” Each and every one of them was a drawing of a penis. Guan Shanjin had used the friend-making pigeon express before, and he naturally knew how these drawings came about!

Exactly who was it who had started such a culture? Guan Shanjin gnashed his teeth. He had employed all means, only to prevent Wu Xingzi from mailing a drawing of his own penis, and had completely forgotten that such drawings were sent mutually. Wu Xingzi did not mail any out, but it did not mean that others would not mail any to him! Looking at the pile, there were around forty to fifty drawings!

Guan Shanjin probably had too much to drink. His blood surged within him, a pressure rising up in his throat, and it felt like he was about to vomit blood.

However, Wu Xingzi did not register that something was wrong with Guan Shanjin. He flipped through each drawing of a penis with much tenderness, introducing them. “I’ve collected a total of fifty-plus pengornis drawings! Look, these ten drawings are the ones I like the most. Do you think they’ll come to life as well?”

“They won’t.” How could they? Guan Shanjin gritted his teeth, his alluring eyes almost turning bloodshot, looking just like a huge leopard about to explode into violence.

Whoever dares to come to life, don’t blame me for pulling out Chenyuan Sword!

“They won’t? … What a pity.” Wu Xingzi looked at Guan Shanjin’s pretty face before sighing lightly, but his eyes still shone brightly. “Can I kiss you? You’re really good looking, and you smell so nice…”

“You can’t.” Guan Shanjin rejected him with a sneer. Surrounded by drawings of penises, Guan Shanjin was unwilling to let Wu Xingzi get his way.

“Ah, then can I lick you?” Wu Xingzi had no choice but to ask about the next best option. He stared at those sculpted, elegant and beautiful hands of the pengornis spirit, and could not help but lick his lips. He clearly had just filled his tummy, but he now felt hungry again.

“You can’t.”

You old quail, your mind is completely filled with only lewd things! What courage you have!

Guan Shanjin grimaced, pointing at his “brothers”. “Weren’t you going to introduce my brothers to me? Tell me about them!”

Sooner or later, he would ferret all of them out and destroy them!

Once the pengornis drawings were mentioned, Wu Xingzi’s eyes shone brighter. The image of him treating the drawings cautiously made Guan Shanjin so angry that all his internal organs hurt. However, he had to suppress his temper so as to be able to understand the origins of those “darlings”, then he would be able to track those people down.

“Hey, look here, look here. These ten drawings are my favourite ones. When you were inside, did you talk to them?” Wu Xingzi held up the drawings that had been carefully wrapped in oiled paper.

How was he able to talk to them? It was only today that he learnt what Wu Xingzi liked was not The Pengornisseur, but those pengornis drawings mailed to him!

“It’s stuffy inside the paper, so it’s not conducive for talking.”

“It’s stuffy?” Exclaiming in alarm, Wu Xingzi hurriedly undid the paper packaging. He quickly apologised, “Ah, I’ve made a mistake and caused you guys to feel stuffy.”

“Mn.” Staring at the revealed drawings, Guan Shanjin suddenly felt as though his vision was washed with blood. Great! He now knew why Wu Xingzi was so open about sex. This old fellow had always been partial towards the thick and sturdy penises, right? Looking at those ten pengornis drawings, every single one of them was long and thick, almost filling up the entire paper. All of them looked very weighty, almost as though their heat was wafting up from the paper.

“This drawing is the first one I saw with bumps on the tip. Say, why do some people grow such marks, and pengornises grow such marks too? When rubbing it, will it also feel ticklish?” This was the second drawing. The pengornis was not especially large or thick, just looking extremely savage. The veins stood out, bulging in certain areas. Wu Xingzi lightly caressed the bulging parts, his face blushing red.

“It’s ugly.” Guan Shanjin absolutely disdained it. He preferred the ones that were pale and delicate looking, and Wu Xingzi’s one was very nice.

“This thing is about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Only men who can’t stay hard for long will grow such bumps.” Pursing his lips, Guan Shanjin pinched Wu Xingzi’s cheek. “Continue.”

“Really? Oh, I didn’t even know there’s something like this. I’ll have to ask you, a pengornis spirit, before I’ll know.” Wu Xingzi put the bumpy pengornis down with clear dejection. Pointing at the next drawing, he spoke. “Then look at this one, how about this one that tilts to the right? I keep wondering, this is so thick, with a head that is angled, would it feel very good when it enters?”

“It is thick enough, but this angle wouldn’t hit the right spot. As they say, the boat leaves no traces moving through the water. It’s probably referring to this sort of sensation.” Guan Shanijn vigorously slandered all the other pengornises, criticising each one that he saw. Wu Xingzi sneaked a few peeks at him, and Guan Shanjin did not know if he was feeling aggrieved, or if he simply liked looking at his face.

In this manner, they reached the ninth drawing. This time, Guan Shanjin shut his mouth, not saying a word.

Wu Xingzi’s attitude towards this pengornis drawing was different from the previous ones. He even held up the drawing, comparing it with Guan Shanjin’s face, thinking that no one noticed it! He definitely was wondering if it was this pengornis that had come to life.

Damn, this Wu Xingzi really deserves a fucking!

“So, do we look alike?” Guan Shanjin asked with a low voice. His fingers twitched, and he stopped himself from pushing Wu Xingzi down and having his way with him. After all, there was still a pengornis drawing left at the top of the rankings!

It was unfortunate that due to his temper, he did not notice that the last pengornis drawing was very similar to his own thing.

“Hmm…” Wu Xingzi squinted, comparing the drawing and him earnestly a few times. Finally, he shook his head. “You don’t. I remember that he’s a scholar, very refined and elegant. I like his face very much, so my first letter was to him. Ah, it really is a nice pengornis! How heated do you think it’ll feel? How would it taste? Would it be able to reach my belly?”

“He wouldn’t dare.” Guan Shanjin pinched the corner of the drawing with two fingers, gradually pulling it towards himself. The previous few pengornis drawings did make his chest feel suffocated, but only this drawing felt like a threat to him. It was evident that Wu Xingzi liked this pengornis very much, even remembering the appearance of the pengornis’ owner.

This old thing! How could he be this lewd?! Every single drawing smelled like incense and insect-repelling herbs, but other than that, there was also a vague scent that Guan Shanjin was very familiar with… the scent of Wu Xingzi’s lewd juices. Guan Shanjin was almost about to explode. Not only did this old fellow look at erotic drawings, he even used these drawings of other men’s penises when masturbating!

He had to destroy all of them!

“Hey, don’t snatch my pengornis!” Wu Xingzi held on to the drawing tightly, and Guan Shanjin naturally refused to let go too. Seeing that the pengornis was about to be torn into two, Wu Xingzi still released the drawing, unwilling to hurt it. He could only watch as his treasured pengornis drawing fell into the hands of the pengornis spirit and was torn into tiny pieces right in front of him. Wu Xingzi was so upset that tears welled up in his eyes.

“This… this cost a coin…” Glancing at him, Guan Shanjin took a coin out from a pouch hanging on his waist and tossed it at Wu Xingzi. “I’m paying you back.”

Wu Xingzi clumsily caught the coin. Blinking, he stuttered his thanks.

“What about the last drawing?” Guan Shanjin gritted his teeth so hard, they creaked. He had decided, once Wu Xingzi held it up, he would snatch it over and tear it up too, preventing it from becoming an eyesore.

“The last drawing…” Wu Xingzi suddenly swallowed his saliva. His face, red from the alcohol, looked rather intoxicated. “Ah, this one is really good looking.”

This drawing was clearly longer than the rest, and the sketched image was so thick and long that it was almost bursting out of the paper. Its slightly gaping tip glistened a little, looking like a real object with heat and heft. Guan Shanjin was fairly certain that Wu Xingzi was thinking about sucking on it.

Just as he was about to snatch it, Guan Shanjin realised that this shape looked somewhat familiar. He could not help but look closely at it, and was suddenly enlightened. Was this top ranking pengornis not his own penis?

“At least you have taste.” Guan Shanjin’s chest still felt suffocated, but it was vaguely laced with pride. He gathered up the other pengornis drawings and shoved them back into the rattan case, immediately undoing his pants. Pulling out his cock that had yet to fully harden, he shook it at Wu Xingzi. “Look, see what sort of pengornis spirit I am.”

With one glance, Wu Xingzi’s eyes were completely glued to it. He gulped his saliva down, and his entire body felt as though it heated up a little more, reddening a little more, and he could not resist licking his lips.

“Yes… So you’re the one that came to life…” Carefully packing the pengornis drawings in his hand back into the rattan case, Wu Xingzi placed the sachet inside before closing the lid. After keeping it under his bed, his slightly trembling fingers reached out towards that Prince of Lanling, but he dared not touch it so easily. “Ah, now I know. So if there’s a Prince of Lanling amongst pengornises, it would definitely look just like yours.”

So it turned out the Prince of Lanling was referring to him. Guan Shanjin laughed out loud. This old thing was always able to aim right at the soft spot within his heart.

“Come here,” Guan Shanjin commanded gently. His voice sent shivers down Wu Xingzi’s body, travelling from his ears to his brain. Giving a start, Wu Xingzi started panting heavily.

He shifted and shifted, moving closer and closer to the pengornis spirit. The scent of white sandalwood and orange blossom filled his nose, and it made him feel even more intoxicated than the dry and sweet plum wine…

“Don’t cry and faint tonight, alright?” That affectionate tone stole all strength from Wu Xingzi’s body. He bonelessly fell into the arms of the pengornis spirit, his thigh pressing right onto that huge pengornis that was now hard. It was so hot that his entire body tingled in excitement.

“Yes…”