This Is Where I Want To Be

55. I Can't Seem To Make You Mine

Juliet

After my father called out for Carl, I followed, hearing the guys outside, excited to eat and see how it went. Rounding the corner, I took in the scene. Marcus stood off to the side, which was nothing new, but something told me he wasn’t okay. My mom and Charlene made their way down the stairs towards the group of men. I kept my eyes on him, trying to figure out what was wrong. I took the few stairs down, making my way slowly toward him until we were face to face. His hands were behind his back. The black jersey he had on was torn in places. Maybe he got hurt. His head was tilted slightly upward as he peered into my eyes, trying to keep up the appearance. He seemed fine. I subtly gesture with my head for us to go inside the house. If we snuck off, we could disappear into his room. After that morning, we did need to talk. I got excited for a minute, thinking he would tell me how he felt or what had been eating at him for months. Marcus was staring at me, not moving, thinking. Anxiously fighting with himself. He licked his lips, biting the bottom one between his teeth. It was strange seeing him so all over the place, struggling at all with his emotions. He was just not giving me the reason or letting me in. “We’re married… what are you waiting for?” I softly mouth. For a second, it seemed like he would give in, lowering his head and letting his hands fall by his side, relaxing his shoulders and dropping his chin.

Carl talked to me… Irritated, my head snapped at him. My eyes caught a glimpse of the two birdlike aliens on the ground. “What in the world? It reeks… Carl! Ewe, take it away… That’s not what they sent us… Is it?” Frustrated, I put my attention back on Marcus and pulled him off to the side. “I Love You…” I mouthed again. We seemed to disappear for a second. It was dark around us, only me and him. “I’m not enough?” I asked. His body swayed back and forth, and then he turned away from me. “I’m trying really hard here, Marcus,” I whispered. His back straightened, and he clenched his fists. My brow furrowed.

I didn’t understand. He would do anything to have me. He almost kidnapped me. Before the embassy, he didn’t do anything because he was still figuring things out. Since then, he had barely spoken to me. After months of trying and giving him affirmation, nothing helped. He would not do anything back. It had to be Louis and Chris. He couldn’t get used to the situation. The idea of us all together. I looked over to the guys talking to my dad. Chris’s hands ran through his hair, telling everyone what had happened. He was not coming to me or even making eye contact like always. Chris was avoiding me… The only one who could tell me what was going on was Louis.

Louis was… Where did Louis go? I could have sworn I had heard him earlier, “Where is Louis?”

My mom pointed to the house as she turned to me, “You okay, Juliet?” I shook my head. I wasn’t… Determined to find out once and for all what Marcus was doing there and what was going on with all of them.

Walking to our dressing rooms, I entered the space, and since Louis was in the shower, I waited on the daybed for him to finish. When he came out, he had a towel around his waist, another one in hand drying his hair. Louis didn’t say a word. He was also avoiding me. “What’s going on?” I asked.

“Nothing, why? Oh, wait… I was almost assassinated tonight.”

“Those two birds came for you. Why?”

“Qadir, I suppose,” he smiled.

“Is that why everyone is acting so strange?” Louis stood at the mirror, raking fingers through his hair, picking up product, and applying it. “What are you so happy about.”

“Nothing…” I gave him one of my death stares, and he sighed, “I’m happy because we bonded.”

“How?”

He regarded me a while, reading me, “Come on, Juliet. Does everything have to be a big deal? Can’t we live for the day?”

“I was fine this morning. I was fine yesterday… You guys had to make a big deal of me being jealous. You…! You created this headache I’m having. You scratched Louis, and now the scab is off…” Louis’s brow furrowed. “Are you going to tell me what happened and what’s wrong with Marcus or not?”

Louis abruptly stopped what he was doing and turned to me; there was a tense silence between us. “Before we started, Marcus and I made a bet. Whoever would win in killing one of those things first could have the night with you. Because of this morning, yes… I thought… I would give them a push… Chris okayed it, and it seems we were slowly coming to some kind of understanding... or at least talking about it.”

I didn’t want to insult Louis, but did he outbest Marcus, and that’s why he was disappointed… Because it would be Louis and not him. “And I guess you won,” I whispered.

“Me…! No! Thank you, baby, but no… Marcus killed both of them.” It was hard to swallow. That familiar hurt in the middle of my chest. I knew what Louis would say. “Marcus said he felt I needed to spend time with you. So, I thought we could go into town. Get a hotel room… Only you and me?” he suggested.

That’s why Chris wasn’t talking to me. I paused, thinking. My mind persisted in its pursuit. Marcus even gave up a chance to spend time with me. He made an excuse. I felt like I was hit with a brick. Punched in the gut. Rejection was the worst. Continuous rejection was soul-crushing and hadn’t I gone through enough of it? I jumped up, “I’m sorry, Louis. This is not how this works.”

I stormed out my anger, almost on red alert. I heard him behind me. “Juliet, calm down!” I ignored him, “Juliet, please leave it….” I walked even further into the open-plan living area. “Juliet!” Louis roared at me. It was so loud, and with such a tone, I was back in that alley with him. The way I felt when he dominated me and pushed back my manifestation reminding me of the creature child I was. I froze in my tracks, fighting the dominance a little. Slowly, my fists at my side were forced open. His manifested authority brought me back to little Juliet. My anger was made to dissipate. My ass suddenly burned; the tattoo’s supernatural power flowed into my core and up my spine—making me behave. I pushed down my pants to see if my ass was literally on fire. The tattoo was sparkly and glowing a golden hue. My eyes met his over my shoulder. Louis was still half naked in his towel, almost doubled over at the waist, a strangled expression. I was blushing bright red, knowing everybody was staring at me. My eyes darted out the door. Marcus had come up the stairs, staring at us as if he wasn’t expecting any of it. Did he really think I would accept it? Did Louis really think I could leave it… Did they know me at all?

All eyes were on me.

They were treating me like a child. Like a plaything, they could toss around as it suited them. Betting on who would have me. Louis and I had come full circle—again! He doesn’t tell me what’s going on. He lied about keeping me included. No one was taking me seriously. It felt like we had made no progress. Like Qadir said… I was nothing without a man in my life ruling me. The same questions bombarded me. Nothing settled. Nothing was talked about; everything hung in the air. What was Marcus doing there!? If he didn’t want to be there? Why did he brand me if he didn’t want me? Why doesn’t he want me?

As I disappeared, Chris grabbed me around my shoulders, holding my arms at my side. He had manifested. His enormous, scary features were not cute that night, squeezing me so tightly I couldn’t go anywhere. “We see you, Juliet… Calm down.” His low, feral voice almost growled out the words in my neck, and the feel of his breath on my ears soothed me a little but was not reassuring enough… All I heard was: I needed to calm down. I needed to stop making a big deal out of everything. I’m going crazy on them.

When would Chris disappoint me? I turned into him, not wanting to think about him leaving me. He teleported us out of there. Out of the room. Very far down the driveway. He picked me up and carried me as I grabbed onto him.

After, we walked around for a few minutes. I reappeared, wriggling out of Chris’s hold. He grabbed my hand as we went further down the road. “That wasn’t very cool,” Chris said. I understood what he meant. My rejection spiraled out to Louis. Hurt people… Hurt people. Our situation was getting out of hand. I felt stupid… like there was an adult understanding I was missing. Why would Marcus not even want to talk to me? Tell me everything was okay. Why did he want me to withdraw? It was subtle, but we were still moving in the wrong direction. He was disturbing my peace. Louis was enabling him. I didn’t want to say it or even think it… but Marcus needed to go for all our sakes. I thought about Marcus getting in a car and going back to the compound. As soon as the thought settled, a tear rolled softly down my cheeks. “What is wrong with me? Please make me stop acting like this. Get me out of here. My mind is going nuts. I can’t… I can’t do it anymore… I’m doing more harm than good. I can’t control my own thoughts or my emotions.”

Chris pulled me into his embrace, “Okay… I can do that for you. If you do one thing for me first.”

“What?” I asked apprehensively.

“Make right with Louis. Spend some time with him. Draw close to him and be there with him.” I frowned angrily, pulling away from him. I had wondered when Chris would disappoint me. It wasn’t even five minutes. Yanking my hand out of his, I turned around and walked back to the house.

Chris came to my side and grabbed my wrist. I shook him off. He pulled me closer and kissed me so hard it hurt. I didn’t want to forgive him. When he gave me the slightest chance, I set my jaw and turned my face away from his. He shook me. I flung his hands off me. “You know what, Chris… You push me into Louis’s arms. Marcus pushes me into Louis’s arms. I don’t know—”

“Don’t say it!” he growled at me.

“Why can’t you let me choose. Why do you guys get to have the last say? Everything is always on your timing. It’s like you three put each other above what I want.”

“There is nothing normal about this situation. I’m trying… No! We’re all trying to keep four people happy, not just you. You wanted this. All of us together. That’s all you wanted… You said you won’t choose. Now what? You changed your mind?”

“I’m not the one ruining this! You guys are doing things without me. Something is going on, and I’m not included… I didn’t ask for this doubt. You know how much I hate not knowing what’s going on… I’m not that person. I don’t want that kind of relationship… Now I have three.”

“Life is not that simple. And if you can’t cope now… Wait till it really gets bad… Now you get to deal with us. And we love you. You don’t trust us… Soon, you’ll be dealing with people who aren’t friendly! Want to kill you! And all you can complain about is Marcus not showing you any affection.”

Another tear rolled down my cheek. “Says the guy who left his wife for the same reasons.” I left him standing there, and he didn’t stop me.

***

Chris

The night was too much all around. I discovered I was a species, not some genetically formed experiment. I had people out there somewhere. It confused me, scared the crap out of me, and I took it out on Juliet. I was jealous I had to put her into Louis’s arms, but I had to push her away. How long did we know Louis would still be alive? How long would she still be alive? I turned toward the mountain and walked up the path leading into the woods, doing what I usually did when I needed time. Those last few months had been the best of my life. We as a family. Juliet and me. Sleeping with her and Louis every night. Everyone was happy until one message changed everything. We had grown so close. Got to know each other. Talking and… not talking. She was right. We sucked as husbands, prodding her but asking her to behave.

I took out my phone. I wanted to look at the messages Marcus and Sita had been sending to one another and make sure we didn’t have it wrong. Juliet was so angry when she saw the message. I thought she found out we agreed to meet with Sita and was jealous because I would see her again. That our lying had been all for nothing. We needed Juliet out of the house to discover how serious Sita was exposing our secrets to the world. The thought freaked me out. Sita was cunning, and what she would come up with wouldn’t be some cushy scenario. What I feared the most was losing Juliet altogether. Marcus had felt it before he branded her. I was feeling it at that moment. Louis felt it every time they went through an episode together.

Juliet was irrational, and I got it was the pregnancy. Michael had warned us at the embassy going down into the basement to eat allowed us to talk. To speak confidentially, and he laid it all out for us. Qadir and Ahasuerus were watching us. Not sometimes; all the time. If we thought we had any privacy, we didn’t. He also said Juliet was the first vampire to ever be pregnant with a hybrid baby. No, riphath, Michael had lied, and none of it made sense. After six months of pregnancy and how crazy she was acting… I had to wonder what the consequences were all around for her and we were not helping her through it. Neither one of us had ever had a stable relationship. A woman in our lives who was there every day. Present and trying. Let alone pregnant and in those conditions. Marcus had the worst time because it seemed like fate made him pull the short straw every time. I wondered when he would lose it. Join Juliet in the looney bin.

Walking up to the cabin was always the best part. I built it in front of trees with a view out over a vista of mountain peaks. I had been planning and sneaking off for so long. I had put my heart and soul into it. So we could disappear, even if it was only for a moment. I sighed, going in. I had more work to do on the cabinets. Juliet was so angry with Marcus and me; I doubted she and Louis would still be at the house if I went back. I hated parting with her in anger… I could always make it right. Push her till she broke and forgave me. I couldn’t… I had to allow resentment to take root so she would cling to Louis and leave. It brought me right back to what she had said about Sita. I was doing to her what I loathed. Marcus and I had a drive into Lyon soon. We needed them to be long gone before she suspected anything.

***

Cindy

Since I arrived in France, it had not been easy to stand by and let Juliet live her life. She was trying so hard, and everything was against her. What Rodrigo had done made her unstable, to say the least. We never knew what would happen from one moment to the next, and she had three grown men to keep happy.

“Liam, I feel like this is all our fault. We interfered with Marcus… Pushed him into branding her. Into her life. She would never have felt so helpless if we never introduced them. Made him come around to see if he could set her free.”

“We had to do something….”

“We interfered with Louis….”

Liam was sitting across from me with Miné in his arms. The house was pretty quiet. After Louis yelled at Juliet, everyone headed for their rooms. I did want to say something. Get Liam to talk to the guys. “Did you know he could do that?” I asked, “Control her like that?”

Liam shook his head, “It has been so long… I don’t think anyone really knows what it entails. Or Samuel didn’t want to tell me everything. The fact that they tried to kill Louis? They are sure Marcus won’t die?”

“Or they want to hurt them! As you said, no one knows for sure… We didn’t choose Louis to cover her on Marcus. It was never the plan….” Liam sighed. “And now they are stuck, and he’s not doing anything. Did you hear them this morning?”

“Yes…”

“The only guy there for her is the only one who chose to be here. He is so good with her. He anticipates her every move. She listens to him.”

“And Chris will have to leave….” Liam whispered, “I think they found out about the third planet tonight.”

“It’s too much.”

“Yes… I feel it, too. But we can’t do anything. You heard what Michael said.”

I had to agree with Liam, and it was also why neither of us opened our mouths when Louis made her submit. It was time they figured things out for themselves; that’s why we let them come to France in the first place.

***

Juliet

After leaving Chris in the driveway, I entered a quiet, dark house. I walked to our dressing room and packed a bag for Louis and me and everything we would need. I dressed sexily but still for a whole day of traveling. I washed my face and put on makeup. All the while trying to pull my psycho self together. I failed miserably; tears kept leaking from my eyes… I lived like that because I could die tomorrow. Or have my tongue cut out. Or turn into a masked freak. I reapplied my makeup; it was no use. I left my face like it was. I picked an outfit for Louis and walked out, pausing at the door, peering down the hall at Marcus’s room, my hands rubbing nervously over the leather bag’s handles. He just needed to still be there, in bed, ignoring me, then I would be okay.

Slowly, I walked closer, stretching out to touch the door handle and pulling it down. I pushed. The door jerked and made a noise. It was locked! “You locked your door?” I pushed again, pulling the handle all the way down. I kept trying and jiggling the handle a few times. He wasn’t going to open for me. I loudly slapped the door with an open hand, “You can be glad you’re still here. You better be when I come back… Louis! You have two minutes to get your ass in the car.” Louis rushed out of our room and took the stairs two at a time. “Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad! See you in a few days!”

“Bye, Juliet. I will make sure he stays put,” my dad said from their room.

“Thank you, Daddy,” I slapped Marcus’s door again. I was so angry I couldn’t even think straight. “Isn’t this supposed to be the other way around? The girl is the one behind the locked door… If you didn’t know!” I yelled, slapping his door again. I heard him moving around. I put my ear to the door, trying to listen. I wanted to know if he would say something. I couldn’t make it out. Louis staggered out of the dressing room. He had put on the outfit I had chosen, taking my attention away from Marcus for a split second. His boots were always loosely laced, and he pulled them on, hopping on one leg and then the other. Louis had styled his hair to hang loosely around his face, making him beddable. I took in how good he looked in the long-sleeved black jersey hanging low around his waist. Louis shook his head, walking over to me, “At least you think I’m hot. And still, want me in between the sheets.”

“One thing we will never have to worry about.” Louis was still peeved. His manner was cold. I knew by the way he took the bag from me. He put his ear to the door, closed his eyes, and smirked. He grabbed my hand and dragged me into the garage. The sun was coming up outside. It was beautiful and golden all around us. “What did you hear?” I asked as we drove down the lane.

“He was under his covers in a dark room… What do you think he was doing?”

I didn’t understand why Louis told me? It made me even more depressed. Angrier. “Are you going to be like this the whole trip?” I barked.

“Give me the morning… I’ll pull myself together. You have to remember I’m also losing my s—.”

“Are you blaming me?” He shook his head and muttered in French. I’d never seen Louis like that, and it scared the crap out of me.

We traveled to Lyon, got on a train, and headed south towards the coast. I passed out as soon as we sat down. Louis used the window to sleep. I used his shoulder. I soon got uncomfortable and tried lying on his lap with my legs lifted; it didn’t help. I wasn’t tired. Just overtired. I got up, walking from one side of the train to the other, stretching my legs. When I reached the end of our compartment, Jack and Michael were in one of the cubicles. Michael was reading the paper. Jack was sleeping on folded arms, resting on the table between them. I wished I could fold. I yawned. I desperately wanted to sleep.

After walking past them a few times, I noticed Michaels’s bloodshot eyes and dark circles. What did he do the whole night? When I walked past the third time, he pulled the paper down in a huff. The sound startled me, “Juliet! I swear, can’t you just go to sleep.”

I point to my belly. He snorted, regarding me. “Hey…” I said softly, shoving nervous hands in my pockets, rocking back and forth on my feet. “You know what I want… Help me out, please.” I sounded like a drug addict; regardless, I would take anything if someone would make it all stop, just for an hour.

For the longest time, he watched me, contemplating if he should give me what I wanted. I flashed my eyebrows at him, giving him a suggestive smile, looking like Jerome behind our gate—twitchy for a fix. He got up, not taking his eyes off me. “You know what it cost you last time.” My eyes almost rolled out of my head, sticking my tongue out the side of my mouth. How illicit he made it sound. My hands clasped and unclasped nervously, hoping he wouldn’t change his mind.

“I don’t mind… Can we make it an IOU?” I said quickly and shot gun fingers at him. Michael’s lusty eyes ran over my chest and slowly stopped on my lips as he stood up tall in front of me. I didn’t mind the lingering. I lifted my chin so our eyes could meet. Mine were desperate. He was a part of me… knew everything about me. Michael moved forward. I held his eyes, challenging him. He turned, took his suitcase from the compartment above him, and put it on the table in front of us. Rummaging through it, he took out a small black bag. Inside were syringes, a few vials, and other stuff I didn’t recognize.

He scanned the train compartment. We were in first class, at the front of the train. Secluded. It was only us and four others; a woman was sleeping, and three men were reading the paper. He filled one of the syringes and gestured for me to take his seat. He took the plastic rubber band and fixed it around my upper arm. Michael explored my skin while waiting for my veins to fill, lovingly caressing me. I remembered everything. Who he was and what he had done for me. The last time, he stopped below the creases of my elbow, pressing down with his thumb, “You sure? Aren’t you supposed to spend time with Louis?”

“Seriously? You giving me relationship advice,” I muttered.

“You like to scoff at me. Like I’m—”

“Suppose to fix everything….” It was quiet between us as he stayed fixed on me, thumbing my skin harder, stroking up and down. “Look, I have too many chemicals in my brains screwing with me… Everybody’s energy is messing with me. Can you at least try to understand?”

“I know you better than you know yourself.”

“Then live in my veins, Michael.”

The corner of his mouth tilted up, “One last time,” he whispered as his hand resumed evoking those pent-up feelings. I closed my eyes… I couldn’t help my body respond. My flesh was covered with pimples as the gooseflesh spread all over me. He saw it, “Oh, honey.” Slowly, he pulled me toward him, gently pushed the needle into my vein, and injected the liquid.

“Tell him to wait for me. It’s only three days. Then we can spend as much time together as he wants.” Michael released the rubber band. The feeling shot through me like a lightning bolt of release. The euphoria was so absolute I almost fell back, like in the movies. A calmness overtook me. Warmth and all my worries drifted away. I shook my head, my vision fussy. Michael put his arm under my shoulder. I tried to hold onto his neck as he picked me up.

“Sleep… My little Juliet.”

“Don’t... I hate it when you call me that,” I mumbled. He put me down next to Louis, placing my head softly on his shoulder and running his hand over my face and hair. I heard him sit down across from us. I knew he was there.