LIGHTNOVELONLINE Chapter 35: Feelings on Family
Raphael watched the TV, trying her best to take her mind off of the day’s events. She hadn’t been having much luck; her grandma had…well, Raphael was an afterthought. She was being used as a tool to try and further her grandma’s political agenda.
She had almost come to hope that maybe her grandma would make some huge gesture, try anything to get Raphael back, but…she didn’t. On the contrary, she gave up rather easily. Her grandma really didn’t care about her, and she hated that.
There was a sudden knocking on her door, causing her to jump as she scrambled for the remote and turned off the TV. “Um, come in!” She said.
The door opened and, to her surprise, Alex came in. “Hey.” She said. “Um…can we talk for a bit?”
Raphael blinked. “Yeah, I guess. What about?”
Alex shut the door behind her, and moved over to a chair, sitting down. “I…well, I’ve heard you’ve been having a pretty rough go of it, coming to grips with…well, Elenoa. To tell you the truth, Carmen asked if I could talk to you, since…well, I don’t have the greatest relationship with my dad, and she thought maybe we would have some common ground.”
Raphael paused. “So…it isn’t you that wants to talk with me?”
“Of course I do!” Alex replied firmly. “If I didn’t want to talk with you, I wouldn’t be here. I just wanted to be up front about why I know about this and I wanted you to know that people know you’re having troubles and want to help, but didn’t know how. I know what it feels like to have troubles with your family and I want to be there for you. If you don’t want to talk, I understand, but I really would like to talk if you’re willing to.”
Raphael nodded hesitantly. “Um, yeah. In that case…may I ask what you think about Grandma?”
Alex sighed, playing around with her tail and twirling it between her fingers like one would a lock of hair. “I’m going to be completely honest with you here, I think she’s a bad person. She’s not the worst person I’ve met, that would go to some of the people from the Society, but she’s definitely up there. She’s selfish, she abuses everyone around her, and she’s made a lot of people’s lives worse. She’s just…not pleasant to be around.”
“Oh.” Raphael replied, taking a moment to take that all in. “I…had kind of figured as much myself, but it…I don’t know. I just…I don’t know. Over these past couple of months, I realized that…she did abuse me, yeah. And she made me think she was right to abuse me, that I was just being a huge pain if I didn’t always do exactly what she said. And it’s been hard coming to terms with that, like…even if she did, and I know she did, deep down I think I still love her a little.
“I saw what she used to be like, Alex. She was a good person, she was happy. And I want her to be like that again, but I…don’t think it’s possible. She’s just…I just…” Raphael tried to hold back the tears, but she could feel them leaking out anyway.
She reached up to wipe her eyes, and, while her vision was blocked, she suddenly was scooped up into a hug from Alex.
“It’s okay.” She whispered, pulling Raphael closer to her. “You’re allowed to make mistakes, you’re just eight. And I get it, really, I do. I…well, I kind of thought something similar about my dad. He’s a controlling guy, and he always wanted things done exactly the way he had foreseen them happening.
“And then…well, in the same attack where your parents died, my mom died. And I realized that my dad wasn’t infallible. If he could let monsters get into the city like that, if his own wife could be killed by those monsters, then what he was doing wasn’t working. I thought it would be best if we got Earth exposed to magic, and then we would have enough people to begin fighting back.”
She laughed bitterly. “I suppose, in a way, I got what I wanted, but I think what I’m getting at is that, even if Elenoa is controlling your life, I think that, deep down, she still loves you too. Perhaps it’s really deep, but if you want to rehabilitate her, I think you might be the person for it.”
Raphael stopped trying to hold back her tears and buried her head in Alex’s chest. “I just…it’s not fair, Alex. What did I do to deserve this? I never did anything but try to make Grandma proud, and, and…” She broke down, unable to do more than sob into Alex’s chest.
In response, Alex squeezed Raphael a little tighter. “It’s okay.” She soothed, stroking the girl’s hair. “You did your best. You made some mistakes, but that’s okay. You’re eight, you’re allowed to make mistakes. You don’t have to try and fix everything by yourself, and you don’t have to fix everything right now, either.”
Raphael sobbed for a while more before she was finally able to pull herself together, the sobs returning to just sniffles. “R-really?” She asked, looking up into Alex’s face. “You won’t hate me?”
An odd, but overwhelmingly gentle expression filled Alex’s face. “No. I’m not going to hate you. What kind of adult would I be if I hated a kid who’s just doing her best?”
“Can I…tell you something?” Raphael said. “I haven’t told anyone else yet, but…”
“Of course. Tell me anything you want, I promise I won’t feel different for it.” Alex replied.
Raphael, almost unconsciously, reached back and felt at her tailbone. It had become a habit of sorts when she thought about this topic, and no matter how she tried she couldn’t shake it. “I’m not an angel anymore.” She whispered. “I’m a demon, too. Kali made me one as a way to prove she was who she said she was. Do you know what Grandma would say if she knew?”
Alex hesitated, then shook her head. “I don’t. And you don’t have to say it if you don’t want to, it doesn’t matter. You’re you.”
“I…” Raphael paused. “She’d call me a fallen angel, she says that angels who fall in love with demons are betrayers and the worst of the worst.”
“That’s not true.” Alex objected. “Demons are people too. They’re just the same as anyone else, they just were on the other side of a conflict. History is written by the victors Raphael, and that means that, unfortunately, a lot of the time the losers don’t get to say their side of things. Your grandma has put a lot of effort towards making demons look bad, but they aren’t any better or worse than angels. If she said you were a betrayer or the worst, then I’d deck her myself. You’re no different now than you were before.”
Raphael rubbed her tailbone again. “I…um…is it okay to like being a demon?” She asked. “I feel…stronger, magic works better, it’s just…it feels like I’m suddenly more.”
Alex chuckled. “Who do you think you’re talking to? I chose to stay like this, so of course I’m going to say it’s fine to like being a demon.”
“Um…if you…don’t mind my asking, Lilith said she was gonna take away any residual feelings you had from the contract. Why did you decide to stay as you are?”
“Where’s this coming from?” Alex asked.
“Well, I just…you were also a guy before and I know humans aren’t like angels and maybe I was just wondering about it myself, you know?”
Alex smiled, ruffling Raphael’s hair. “It’s fine if you want to stay like you are.” She said. “No one’s going to judge you for it, we’re not your grandma.”
“That’s…I still want to hear.”
Alex blushed, glancing over to the door. “I…wouldn’t tell anyone else this, but you’ve shared a bunch of things with me, so I’m willing as long as you keep it a secret.”
Raphael nodded. “I promise. I’m good at keeping secrets.”
Alex fidgeted slightly. “I think I like Lilith. Like like her. I don’t know if it’s love, but…Lilith doesn’t like boys. And…well, after a while I got used to it, and now I just don’t really care what sex I am. Actually, I’m used to liking being a girl, but now I just don’t care. I remember liking being a girl, I remember liking being a boy. I guess it just all feels the same, and this way I at least have a shot if Lilith and Kali break up.”
She cracked a small smile, obviously trying to lighten the mood somewhat. “Although that might change once I get my first period after removing that mental alteration. Might be worth asking for the mental alteration back, if only so I don’t have to deal with probably hating every second of that.”
Raphael was silent, unsure how to process that. Eventually, she spoke up. “Why does it matter if they’ve broken up?”
“Oh, right. I don’t think it’s a big deal, but on Earth it’s weird to have more than one lover. So, I don’t think Lilith would be OK with it.”
Raphael paused again. “But she’s fine with her parents.”
Alex paused. “Right. But…she’s apparently nervous about having even one girlfriend, so two is a stretch, at least for now. We’re not here to talk about me, though. What do you feel about being a girl?”
Raphael frowned. “Well…I mean…angels don’t really care.” She said.
“But what about you? Just because you’re not experiencing any discomfort in your body doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have a preference.”
“I don’t know.” Raphael whispered. “I…I like what my life has become, I think. It’s been better than it has been in a long time. But I’m worried I’m getting that mixed up with what I feel about me. Like, I’m supposed to be a boy, like Grandma says, but I also feel like I’d be returning to who I was when I was a boy so–”
“Not true.” Alex said sharply. “You’re not supposed to be anything. If your Grandma says you’re supposed to be a boy, then she’s wrong. It’s your choice to be whatever you want, for whatever reason you want. And, I hate to break this to you, but you’re still who you were when you were a boy.”
Raphael recoiled a little, and opened her mouth to speak, but was once again cut off by Alex.
“You’re a lovely kid, is what you are. That doesn’t change because you’re a boy or because you’re a girl. You’re you. You were a bit of a bully, but you’ve realized why that’s wrong, and you’re better for it.”
Alex squeezed Raphael a little closer. “You’re completely free to do whatever you want, to be whoever you want. I think, if you like what your life’s become, and if you’re unsure if that’s messing with your feelings on being a boy or a girl, try being a boy again for a bit. Or don’t. Just keep on enjoying your life as is. There’s no reason to feel any sort of guilt.”
“Thank you.” Raphael whispered, shutting her eyes and once again resting her head on Alex’s chest.
“You’re welcome.” Alex replied, stroking her hair. They were silent for a minute or two more, and then Alex released the hug. “I think I need to go get changed and ready for bed.” She said. “But you’re more than welcome to come talk to me any time you want. I’ll always be here for you, okay?”
“Um…” Raphael began to speak but trailed off, too embarrassed to continue.
“Yes?” Alex asked.
“Can I…keep hugging you for a bit? I haven’t had a hug like this since…” She trailed off, giving Alex a meaningful look.
That strange, gentle look appeared on Alex’s face once again. “Of course.” She paused for a moment as if debating something, then spoke up. “Actually, I can probably delay bed for a bit if you’d like to…I don’t know, watch a show together or something.”
“Really?” Raphael asked hopefully.
“Really.” Alex confirmed. “Let me go get changed, and then I’ll come back, and we can finish that hug and watch something, okay?”
“Sorry.” Raphael said, looking at the very damp spot on Alex’s chest. “I didn’t mean to…”
Alex laughed, giving Raphael another quick hug. “I don’t care. Everyone deserves to have a good cry every once in a while. Don’t worry about it.” She released the hug and then stood up. “I’ll be right back.”
She left the room, and Raphael’s thoughts turned back to their conversation. She was embarrassed about just how much she had let loose there, but…it felt good. She felt…like Alex understood her, and…
A few moments of thought later and the door opened, and Alex walked in. She was wearing a set of pajamas now, and she gave Raphael a smile as she sat down on the bed next to her. “Come here.” She said, and held out her arms.
Raphael hesitated for a moment. Now that she had calmed down slightly, it was much more embarrassing to just…give in like that.
Alex, seeing the girl’s hesitation, picked her up and deposited her in her lap. “There’s no need to hold back.” She whispered. “I’m here.”
Raphael paused for a moment before once again burying her face in Alex’s chest and wrapping her arms around her. In return, Alex wrapped her arms around Raphael and began to stroke her hair. They remained that way for a few minutes before Raphael disentangled herself, blushing slightly. “Thanks.” She whispered. “What do you want to watch?”
Alex smiled. “Whatever you want. I’m not picky.”
Raphael nodded. “Let me um…go change into my pajamas, and then we’ll watch, okay?”
“Of course.”
A few hours later, Alex turned off the TV. Raphael had fallen asleep, and it was time for her to get back to her own room. But…something about the younger girl had awakened some sort of instinct Alex hadn’t known she had. It was like when she wanted to protect Lilith from the Society, but…stronger.
She wanted to see Raphael happy, wanted her childhood to be different from how Alex’s own had been. And…well, she was pretty sure she knew how to start with that.
She blushed slightly, shaking her head to clear her thoughts. The atmosphere of the evening must have been getting to her, she usually didn’t have such sappy thoughts, but…
She shook her head once again. She’d let Raphael know she was always willing to help, but anything more would be up to Raphael herself. It was her life, and Alex didn’t have any right to step in uninvited.
It was with these thoughts that she left the room, careful not to wake the sleeping Raphael up. Her room was only a few doors down, began to walk down the hall.
“Hey.” Carmen said, coming out from a door on the other end of the hall. “How’d it go?”
Alex jumped, turning around. “She’s feeling better now, I think. How’d you hear me? I thought I was pretty quiet when opening and shutting the door, I didn’t want to wake her up.”
“Nuwa’s got vision on all the halls. She let me know once you came out of the room.”
Right. Alex had forgotten about that. “She’s not looking into our rooms, right?”
“No. She can, but that’s only for if, somehow, an intruder gets in and we can’t find them. We’re not invading your privacy, don’t worry.”
“Ah, um, good. Anyway, um, Raphael’s fine for now.”
Carmen nodded. “Thanks. I really don’t think it would have been the same coming from someone like me, so I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.”
“Yeah, no problem. Um…I’m getting sleepy, though, so I’m going to turn in for the night.”
“Of course.” Carmen replied. “Have a good night.”
“You as well.” And, with that, Alex went into her room, walked over to the bed, and collapsed into it. It had been an eventful day, and she was more than ready to get some well-deserved sleep.
