Lost

All I could do was breathe in and out. That was it. I was so frozen that I couldn’t do anything more than that.＊ ＊ ＊A week had passed since then.Jung Woojin continued to say incomprehensible things and engaged in physical contact that was bewildering and confusing. Like an idiot, I couldn’t properly respond and just let the situation slide. But I couldn’t keep living like this. I wanted to go outside, do something, and quickly regain my memories, but Jung Woojin blocked me with a single word—”dangerous.” So, a week passed without me stepping a foot outside. Of course, Jung Woojin hadn’t gone out either. Occasionally, his phone would ring like crazy, but Jung Woojin didn’t pay it any attention. If I frowned or looked in the direction of the noisy phone, he would just take out the battery.“You’ve got something on your mouth.”I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep tolerating his incomprehensible actions any longer.“Hey.”When I turned my head to avoid his hand reaching towards my mouth, Jung Woojin looked at me with a puzzled expression. With a strange look on my face, as if I had chewed on dirt, I finally opened my mouth.“I’ve been meaning to say this, but I haven’t been able to…”“What is it?”“…Well, the thing is…”Looking into his clear eyes, gazing at me with an innocent expression, made my heart ache for some reason. I wondered if I should really say this to someone who was being so kind to me, but I had to take care of myself first. Honestly, every time Jung Woojin kissed or touched my hand, forehead, nose, or around my mouth, I felt like I was going to die from the shivers. What was even more frustrating was that Jung Woojin never touched me in any way other than holding my hand when I was fully conscious. He only touched me when I was half-asleep, or when I was groggy from some nightmare I couldn’t remember. So, it was only natural that I kept missing the chance to say anything.“Do you happen to have siblings or something like that?”“Siblings? No, I don’t.”“Oh, so you’re an only child?”“Yeah.”“Really? Then I guess you’re pretty close with your parents. Usually, only children are really close to their parents, right?”I didn’t know what I was saying either, but I needed to lay some groundwork. If I suddenly told him to stop touching me, it would make things awkward, and our relationship would become strained.“Close with them?”“Are you not?”“No, not at all.”But Jung Woojin’s response was too firm. I was planning to say something like, “Oh, your parents must have held your hand a lot when you were little,” but his answer threw me off. Seeing my frustrated expression, Jung Woojin tilted his head.“Why?”“…No, it’s just that you seem to really like holding hands, so I thought maybe your parents held your hand a lot when you were little.”As I rambled on, Jung Woojin suddenly became serious. The smile that had always been on his face disappeared, and his expression became much colder. I widened my eyes, wondering if I had said something wrong, and then Jung Woojin put down his chopsticks and spoke.“Do you dislike holding hands with me?”Of course, I do. Would you like it if some big guy kept grabbing your hand?“No, it’s not that… It’s just a bit uncomfortable, I mean, awkward.”I tried to be as polite as possible, but Jung Woojin, who had been serious, suddenly smiled again.“You’ll get used to it soon.”He said it in a casual tone, like someone pointing to the sky and saying, “That’s the sky.” I almost nodded and said, “Oh, okay.”“What do you mean by that?”“They say humans are creatures that adapt.”“What?”“It’s only been a week, so it feels awkward. If another week passes, you’ll probably be more used to it than you are now.”Looking at the serious expression on Jung Woojin’s face, I was so stunned that I felt like I couldn’t breathe.“It’s just that… I’m confused right now, so I wanted to ask to make sure I’m not misremembering anything. No other meaning behind it.”I stammered, and Jung Woojin nodded as if to tell me to continue.“Was I, by any chance, gay?”“No.”“Then, are you?”I let out a sigh of relief internally and asked again.“I’m not either.”“So, we’re both perfectly normal heterosexuals, right?”“Probably.”What does “probably” mean instead of “yes”? That bothered me a bit, but I was still relieved that I wasn’t gay. However, it was too soon to feel good about it.“Then why do I have to get used to your physical contact?”I wasn’t sure if I should ask this, but no other appropriate question came to mind.“Well,”As I swallowed nervously, Jung Woojin casually responded.“Because I’m going to keep doing it.”“…”With a smile on his face, Jung Woojin reached out and removed a grain of rice stuck near my mouth. As I dumbly stared at the white grain of rice on his finger, Jung Woojin licked his finger, and the grain of rice stuck to his tongue before entering his mouth. The sight felt like it was happening in slow motion.“How about we go for a walk after eating? It’s stuffy being inside all the time.”“Huh? Go outside?”“If you don’t want to, we can stay in.”“No, I want to go out. I need to get out for a bit.”It was the first time Jung Woojin had suggested going outside. I nodded with a bewildered expression. I needed to go outside, get some fresh air, and think things through. Right now, I was too confused and flustered to think clearly. I didn’t even know why I had to get used to Jung Woojin’s physical contact when we weren’t even gay.“Should we go shopping for clothes?”“What?”My mind was foggy, so I asked again, and Jung Woojin, who had been watching me, smiled.“Sunbae, it’s like you’ve been drinking. You keep asking the same questions.”“…”“Let’s buy clothes, eat something delicious… and maybe watch a movie?”“…No, forget that… I’d like to visit the place where I used to live.”The headache that had been quiet for a while came back again.“Well, do as you please.”“I can go alone.”“That’s not allowed. What if you have another seizure?”The word “seizure” was a bit unsettling, but it was true. I sometimes saw things that weren’t there and acted like someone having a seizure, as he said. I couldn’t insist on going alone, so I stayed quiet, and then Jung Woojin, resting his chin on his hand, spoke to me.“Then how about we spend the night at your place?”“I don’t mind, but…”It was strange. Maybe it was because the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Jung Woojin, but I found it hard to refuse him. It wasn’t just refusing, either. Without realizing it, I was watching for his reaction, worried that he might get upset. The only person I knew and the only one who knew me was Jung Woojin. I didn’t actually remember anything about him, but he was the only one taking care of me after I lost my memory. I was grateful for that, but…“I’ve always wanted to spend the night at your place with you, and now it’s finally happening.”“Hey, you… the way you talk… and your behavior…”“Yes?”“…It’s so cringey, damn it. Can’t you tone it down a bit?”“What do you mean?”“You don’t know? Whatever, just finish your meal.”I let out a deep sigh and groaned inwardly. I didn’t care anymore. Lately, I’d been seeing things and having strange dreams that gave me headaches, so I didn’t need to make things harder for myself. I’m not gay, and neither is Jung Woojin, so I guess he’s just like that. If he goes too far, I’ll just tell him to stop, and for now, I’ll just focus on eating.After finishing the meal, I quickly washed up and went outside. Maybe it was because I hadn’t been out in a week, or maybe it was for another reason, but I was so tense that all my senses were on high alert. It hadn’t felt like this the first time I left the hospital.“Sunbae, what’s wrong?”“What do you mean?”I got into the car, keeping a wary eye on my surroundings like a pet stepping outside for the first time. I tried to act calm, but it seemed like Jung Woojin noticed something was off. Even after getting in the car, I couldn’t relax, and when the traffic light turned red, Jung Woojin turned his head completely towards me. The things outside the window looked unfamiliar. There were things I knew were supposed to be there, like the sky being the sky and the ground being the ground, but that made it even scarier. Knowing something as obvious as the sky being the sky was normal, but the fact that I had forgotten such things made it even more terrifying.“Sunbae.”“I didn’t even remember the traffic lights.”When I first came here, I didn’t even remember that there was a yellow light.“The phone, and the door lock too.”“But you remember everything now, don’t you? Don’t rush things.”“…”Losing things that were so obvious was much scarier than I had thought. What if, just what if, my memory never comes back? Will I have to keep living in this world, not knowing what a phone is, or a door lock, or even a traffic light? I was lucky to quickly recall things like phones and traffic lights, but…“Jung Woojin.”“Just call me Woojin.”Jung Woojin softly laughed as he started the car. With a tense face, I looked at his profile and asked.“Woojin, what is that?”“A motorcycle.”“…”Motorcycle. Motorcycle.I repeated the word several times. But my mind was blank. I couldn’t recall what it was at all. I stared blankly at his profile, confused, but Jung Woojin kept silent after that. The car stopped again at a red light. Even though he must have felt my piercing gaze, Jung Woojin didn’t look at me. My head suddenly started to hurt, and I closed my eyes tightly. Only then did Jung Woojin turn his gaze towards me.“Does your head hurt?”“Just a little.”“We’re almost there.”Jung Woojin started the car again. A motorcycle whizzed by the moving car. I flinched, and a laugh came from beside me. When I turned my head, I saw that Jung Woojin was smiling. I didn’t know why, but I suddenly felt angry.“Why are you laughing?”Am I that funny? Is it funny to see me flinch and tremble at something even a five-year-old would know? I feel like I’m going to die right now.“I was just thinking about how you were staring at me earlier.”“What?”The dizziness in my head instantly cooled. The anxiety and anger that had risen to the top of my head subsided like cold water being poured over them, and I felt like an idiot. I blinked my eyes wide as Jung Woojin glanced at me and smiled again.“It was the first time I’ve seen you look at me so desperately.”“…”“Usually, it’s only me who looks at you like that, but it’s the first time for you.”I had nothing to say, so I just nodded awkwardly. Then Jung Woojin spoke again.“If you don’t know something, make sure to ask me instead of someone else.”“Huh? Uh, yeah. Wait, why?”When I asked in confusion, Jung Woojin rolled his eyes and looked at me. He naturally licked his lips and said.“I just feel like you might look at someone else that way too.”“What?”“Just because. Ah, there it is. The one-room apartment you used to live in.”When I turned my head, I saw a familiar building in front of me. Unlike Jung Woojin’s house, it was quite shabby. I got out of the car, looked around, and followed behind Jung Woojin. Even though this was the neighborhood where I used to live before I lost my memory, it all felt unfamiliar. Nothing looked familiar, and I couldn’t recall anything.Just then, Jung Woojin reached out and took my hand.“Why are you walking so far behind?”“…”“Don’t rush things. Your memories will come back little by little over time.”Jung Woojin reassured me in a gentle voice, telling me not to worry. I gripped his hand tightly, as if it were a lifeline, and tried to steady my mind. Then I suddenly realized and let go of his hand in surprise.“What’s wrong?”“Nothing. Should I go in that way?”I walked ahead of Jung Woojin as I spoke.I seemed to have gotten too used to the way Jung Woojin acted. Walking outside while holding hands. And with another guy, no less. A shiver ran down my spine, and I involuntarily hunched my shoulders.We climbed the stairs and arrived on the second floor, walking down the hallway towards the back. When we reached a door in the corner, Jung Woojin pressed the code and entered as if it were second nature. I hesitantly followed him inside, seeing an uncomfortably small space. A small sink, a small refrigerator, a computer desk, and a few clothes hanging on a rack were all there was.“It’s clean…”As I took off my shoes and stepped inside, mumbling to myself, Jung Woojin took off his jacket and said,“I told them to keep it tidy since we didn’t know when you might come back.”Did he call the cleaning lady? I nodded, recalling the woman who sometimes cleaned his house when I was there. There was no bed, not even a chair, so I awkwardly sat on the bare floor as Jung Woojin spread out a neatly folded blanket in the corner and said,“Why don’t you lie down for a bit? You said earlier that your head hurt.”“It’s fine, it doesn’t hurt now.”It felt unfamiliar. I thought coming back to the place where I used to live might jog some memories, but my mind was still a blank slate. In fact, this place felt even more awkward and uncomfortable. It was too small, and sitting on the bare floor was uncomfortable. I must have gotten used to always sitting on the bed, a chair, or the sofa at Jung Woojin’s place. I kept fidgeting, not knowing what to do with my legs, bending and stretching them repeatedly, when Jung Woojin got up and opened the refrigerator. There wasn’t even a bottle of water inside.“There’s nothing to eat.”“Yeah.”“Should I go buy something?”“I’m not hungry… Let’s just go.”“What?”When I suddenly stood up, Jung Woojin’s eyes widened. This place felt too strange. It felt like I was in someone else’s house.“You want to leave now? Where to?”“Home…”I started to speak but then shut my mouth. This is supposed to be my home.I scowled at the floor for a moment before speaking again.“Let’s go to the school.”“Does anything come back to you?”“No, nothing.”I didn’t like it here. I looked around the room again with a sour expression. It didn’t feel lived-in at all. The ceiling was low, the room was cramped, and even though it was just the two of us inside, it felt so small that it was suffocating.“Well, alright. Shall we go now?”When I nodded, Jung Woojin shrugged his shoulders. I put on my shoes again and stepped outside, glancing back at the room before closing the door.Nothing came back to me, and this place felt even more uncomfortable and awkward than the first time I visited Jung Woojin’s house.“What if my memory never comes back?”I mumbled to myself, and as Jung Woojin buckled my seatbelt for me, he said,“If that happens, I’ll take responsibility.”I couldn’t help but laugh at that. Why would you take responsibility for me? I laughed incredulously, and Jung Woojin laughed along with me. This time, his smile seemed more innocent.I leaned back against the seat, letting my body relax into the softly moving car. The shabby building with the sign that read “Saemaeul One-room” came into view. I sighed again as I looked at it. Saemaeul One-room. Even seeing the name again didn’t jog any memories.As we drove down the road for a while, I thought back to the room I had just seen and turned to look at Jung Woojin. Seeing the disbelief on my face, Jung Woojin glanced at me with a puzzled expression. Suddenly, I realized that I didn’t even know my own name.Why haven’t I asked for my name until now? Even Jung Woojin only called me Sunbae, never by my name. Since no one else had called me by it, I had just forgotten. With a confused expression, I asked,“What’s my name?”“What?”“My name. I don’t even know my name.”I let out a breath in disbelief. Staring at Jung Woojin with a dumbfounded look, he hesitated and then mumbled,“Ah, now that you mention it…”“Right? Why haven’t I thought to ask my name until now?”“We’ve both been pretty overwhelmed. There’s been so much on our minds.”“So, what’s my name?”At my question, Jung Woojin fell silent. I looked at him curiously, and finally, he opened his mouth. But he just moved his lips without making any sound.“Jung Woojin?”“Just call me Woojin.”“What’s my name?”“…”…?I couldn’t help but feel flustered as I watched Jung Woojin close his mouth again. What’s going on with him all of a sudden? I asked, just in case,“Do you not know my name?”“No, I know it.”“Then why aren’t you saying it?”“It’s just…”Just? Just what? No matter how long I waited, Jung Woojin didn’t seem to want to continue. What’s wrong with him? Is my name really strange or something? Is that why he’s acting like this? But still, why is he being so… Jung Woojin, who had been staring ahead with a troubled expression, stopped the car at a red light and glanced at me.