LF Friends, Will Travel

Excerpt from interview with Jan Eagles, head of Xeno-Terran relations, dated 70 PST (Post Stasis Time)

Interviewer: So let's talk about one of the more recent Terran diplomatic fumbles: Dryergate.

Jan: That entire situation can go to hell. The entire thing was dumb as hell, and anyone who supported that entire debacle, I have one message for you: Fuck You. Fuck whoever started Dryergate. And fuck the media for giving it such a shitty name.

Interviewer: So you’re not a fan?

Jan: The Kur situation was under control. Standard honour warrior race stuff. They raided a military outpost and took prisoners, next step we would send in a special ops group to wreck some of their shit, standard military flirting. It ends with both sides agreeing that Humanity alone could wreck their shit if we wanted to, and everyone walks away happy. 5 Years they probably end up joining the Terran alliance after finding out how insane our military members are. Or in one case discover paintball.

Interviewer: But instead we nearly ended up with a war?

Jan: I still have no idea how they accomplished it. Breaking into an official Terran Conclave military communication network, faking the documents to the degree that they did and making sure it leaked just in the perfect manner so the Kur leadership would find out… it would have been impressive if it wasn’t for the fact that what they did was so stupid. The group that did it was dumb as well, some dumb thing for a video game.

**Interviewer: ‘**Jimbo Baggin's “ElderBlade 7” house of Boogie’ was the Galnet server name if I remember, although this isn’t the first time this kind of thing has happened. Someone leaking some military secrets to the SpaceThunder Galnet node is basically a yearly event at this point.

Jan: It was practically a perfect military misinformation movement. Apart from it was done for the universe’s stupidest reason: They spread the rumour that hairdryers are actually secret weapons that can destroy planets.

Interviewer: And this caused the issues?

Jan: In the world of make-believe and stupid people, it would make everyone too afraid of us to be aggressive. In the actual real world, it just turned into a huge diplomatic issue. Do you know how many war crimes Terrans would be committing on a daily basis if such a common item was actually a weapon? Every single electronic cargo ship would be a major war crime.

Interviewer: We all remember seeing the declaration of disgust from the Kur leadership.

Jan: The ‘leak’ happened right after we both agreed to the terms of the Geneva Convention of 2264. Breaking an agreement that you made is a good way to tell people: "Hey, this is a list of shit we're willing to do, if you don't stop us we are going to planet crack everything because we're psychopaths!". It almost turned a minor spat into a full-out war!

Interviewer: So that’s what started the attacks on civilian vessels?

Jan: All of a sudden every single merchant ship under the Terran alliance needed military support because some moron told the Kur that these were now transporting weapons, and therefore were valid targets! Do you know how many merchant ships 422 races have? It's a lot! We were lucky that none of the attacked targets ended up destroyed because that would have been a full-on war. We were 2 feet from war in fact. 2 feet was the difference between what happened, and a Kur barrage from striking a Ritilian cargo ship's warp core. 2 feet from an estimated millions of deaths.

Interviewer: What happened next?

Jan: Then it got worse, other races got involved, and they were rightly pissed. That we'd either been transporting "Planet cracking weapons" using their merchant ships or through their space! 215 visa agreements, 152 trade agreements, 59 free movement agreements, 14 group research projects and 3 alliance applications. All were delayed or in some cases dropped when people believed that all Terrans were lying psychopaths.

Interviewer: Sounds like a mess.

Jan: That's without getting the Scythen involved. You know, one of the founding members of the Terran Alliance. You know, the pacifists who really don't like weapons being in their territory? That was a fun conversation "No, we haven't been violating your religion for the last 60 years, some of my species are just really fucking stupid".

Interviewer: Many people have stated that the actions taken were ‘legendary’ and ‘deserve a medal’

Jan: So the only medal that moron deserves is a throat punch. I'd ask those people why you thought Dryergate was a good thing, but I get the feeling that if I gave them a penny for their thoughts, I'd get change back.

—---------------------------------

Declaration to the non-Terran Alliance Federation species.

By Jan - Head of Xeno-Terran relations dated 32 PST

Dear Xeno heads of government.

While most of you are not involved in this practice, I am including all 31,000+ species in this statement simply to ensure this misunderstanding does not happen again.

While the Terran Conclave and by extension the Terran Alliance welcomes reasonable immigration and culture exchanges amongst all members of the galaxy, with the exception of those who have had diplomatic ties severed, we would like to dissuade the practice many of you have started recently doing. For lack of a better term "Dumping" your unwanted populace into Terran Conclave space.

While the vast majority of these have been a valued addition to our populations, insofar as being in the vast majority of cases the better examples of your species, we take great offence at being told to do "What comes naturally as Deathworlders".

While we have our issues, Terrans are not a naturally murderous species and our AI doesn't "Need to let off steam" in order to avoid being genocidal. I'm uncertain as to what stories you have heard or where you have heard them from, but your sources are dearly mistaken in more topics than this.

In addition, knowingly sending criminals into Terran Alliance who have breached the Terran core laws is a breach of the base agreements we have with most of you, and may come with declined diplomatic relationship between us. This could lead to a reduction in enforcement surrounding Terrans entering your space with the intent of governmental change.

May I remind you that the last species to suffer such a fate was the now defunct Therubian Theocracy, which has been replaced with the Therubian Republic after Terran tourists decided to travel to your planets to "Stop the authoritarian fuckheads" (Pardon my language, but this was the exact wording used on the holiday package brochure).

If you have any other hard-working and delightful citizens such as the ones you have already been sending, you may contact the Terran Embassy on any Neutral Federation station in order to plan an exchange, instead of dumping them in Terran Conclave space like a delinquent mother abandoning some unwanted baby on a fire station doorstep.

Sincerely, Jan Eagles.