I Unknowingly Rejected My Favorite

༺ Denial Phase ༻

[oppa, are you asleep?]

Should I interpret these four words just as they were?

I doubt that she was genuinely curious whether I was asleep or not.

It was past 1 AM, a very late hour of the night.

For some, it was already time to be in dreamland; for others, it might be the middle of the day, but for me, it was quite late.

[No. Why?]

Deciding to refrain from overreacting, I chose to observe the situation a bit longer.

[so, about the pictures we took back when we went to the experience center…]

Normally, I would have replied with a ‘?’, but since it was Doah, I responded with a complete word.

[can i get the ones that you didn’t upload to the group chat?]

I didn’t upload every picture we took to the group chat.

Only the most relevant ones, or those that seemed helpful for our project. I kept the rest in my phone.

[Sure, I’ll send them. Wait a sec.]

I opened my camera roll and tapped on the related folder. Traces of Doah from back then remained untouched inside.

There was one of Doah wearing a headset, playing a rhythm game while waving her arms around wildly, and another of her standing in front of the center’s entrance holding a gun.

Huh? When did I take this one?

What caught my attention was a video that I hadn’t properly checked because I was in a hurry to send the rest to the group chat.

The thumbnail was just a dark background, so I skipped over it, thinking that it was irrelevant to our project.

Said video was thirteen seconds long.

Guess I should see what it was before deleting it…

「Kyaaaaaaa! Oppa!」

“Oh shit, that scared me.”

Because my phone’s volume was set a little bit high, both Doah’s and the ghost’s scream surprised me.

Right… This was from that time… Back when we played that horror game…

I turned the volume down and resumed the video that I paused.

「It’s okay, Doah!」

You know, I always found my voice disgusting whenever I got to hear it.

That was already bad enough, then there were also the cringe-worthy lines I said, as if I was a male lead in a self-insert anime, which added to my disgust.

「I’m here.」

Seriously, Han Taemin, what the fuck were you doing?

Back then, in the middle of my fluster, I was trying to reassure Doah, but watching the video again made me want to crawl into a rat hole.

If Luka-tan had heard it while sober, would she have fainted?

「Sigh~ Otaku guys~ If you do that to a girl, she’ll really like it~」

「Everyone~ Life isn’t 2D, you know?」

Thinking back, that would definitely be her reaction.

Like a total degenerate…

Though I the cold reality was hitting me, I still managed to group all the pictures with Doah in it and send them all to her.

[That should be everything.]

[thank you!]

Still, did she really contact me just to get these?

It wasn’t like I was expecting anything big, but her first text made me hope a little, you know?

She asked me, ‘Are you asleep?’ after all. No way it would end just like this, right?

[Doah.]

[yes?]

Because it felt disappointing to end our conversation like that, I called her name.

Her reply came much faster than I expected, which wasn’t a good thing because my mind was refusing to work properly.

After a while, she sent another question mark since I failed to come up with a reply.

In the end, I succumbed to the psychological pressure and typed whatever came to mind.

[Do you like rhythm games?]

Fuck. What kind of question was that?

I felt like an idiot for sending it, so I tried to delete it, but the delivering message bar had already disappeared.

It seemed like my question caught Doah off guard. The ‘read’ indicator was there, but she hadn’t replied to me.

Putting aside the fact that Doah was Luka, from her perspective, wouldn’t she be thinking, ‘What’s this guy on about?’

But this girl wasn’t just any girl.

She was a VTuber who happened to be my favorite, so I thought it was weird that my words were coming out so smoothly while talking to her.

After all, when you saw people at fan signing, some would start crying just by seeing their idol’s faces.

[yes. do you also like them, oppa?]

Huh, really? She actually responded to that question?

I swear this was the type of question that made me want to tear my hair out, but she somehow answered it properly.

W-Wait, since that was the case, I shouldn’t let her hanging!

[You seemed really good at it that day.]

[It was my first time playing a rhythm game, and I found it fun, so I’m thinking of going back again.]

That was a lie.

I’ve played rhythm games before, but I didn’t really enjoy them.

You literally just moved your fingers to follow the beat, what was so great about it?

[which game do you wanna play?]

To Doah’s rather proactive reply, I had to rack my brain in the middle of the night, which I normally wouldn’t do.

[I’m not too sure actually, so I thought I’d get a recommendation for a rhythm game from you and try that.]

Was that the right thing to say?

I managed to write a response somehow, but I couldn’t decide if it was a smart move.

[wait.]

She told me as such… But she didn’t send a reply even after ten minutes had passed.

…Maybe she went to sleep?

I waited because she asked me to, but I wouldn’t hate her even if she fell asleep here.

While I was giggling in my room, chatting and watching the stream, Doah had actually been working.

She must have been tired.

Talking to your viewers for hours wasn’t an easy job.

Sigh. Guess I should just brush my teeth, then go to sleep—

[New message has arrived!]

[New message has arrived!]

[New message has arrived!]

[New message has arrived!]

[New message has arrived!] 

The insistent ringing of notifications made me sit up in bed again, eyes wide.

Each of the many messages came with a video link and footnote-like explanations.

[this game is called dj tech, and the mechanics are a bit diff from the one we played that day…]

[this is called jubeat, you just hit squares to the beat. it’s not too hard for beginners…]

With a glance, I could tell that these explanations weren’t something she copy-pasted off the internet.

After all, they included her personal opinions on what was fun.

I managed to read through everything, but that left me with a problem. What should I reply?

Since I’ve received such a thoughtful barrage of responses, it felt like I should reply to her seriously and give the explanations a more thorough look.

[Hmm… Looking at the videos, Jubeat seems the most interesting?]

As I picked out what seemed to be the best game, Doah quickly responded again.

[the thing with jubeat is… unless you own the machine yourself, you have to go to an arcade to play it.]

Well, I guess this one was no good.

Just as I was about to reply, ‘What a shame, I’ll try something else’…

[there’s one near our neighborhood!]

Arcade, huh…?

While I liked games and all, most of my games were PC games. I barely went to the arcades.

[if oppa wants to learn, i can help.]

↳[Message deleted.]

Sadly for her, she seemed to lack the skill of deleting a message before it was seen; the skill that I desperately wished to have just a moment ago.

Unaware that I had already seen her message, Doah bravely continued.

[here’s the address of the arcade, it would be nice to go and try it out!]

Doah sent me a map link.

Hesitating on how to reply, I moved my fingers, using her deleted message as an inspiration and sent her a reply without a thought.

[Let’s do this. If you’re going there, I’ll join you and learn how to play from you. What do you think?]

That should be a good reply, no?

This way, it’d feel like I was the one who wanted to follow her along instead of her inviting me to go with her. 

I thought that was a good reply, but despite the sending bar disappearing a while ago, Doah hadn’t given me her reply. Maybe my reply wasn’t as good as I thought?

[how about this weekend?]

[This weekend sounds good. Saturday? Or Sunday?]

[i have work on saturday, so sunday would be better.]

Ah, right.

I literally just heard about her schedule, but I completely forgot about it already.

[Then let’s meet on Sunday!]

[yes! anyways, im going to sleep now. see you at school oppa!]

She sent a sticker of a cat holding its phone while sleeping.

I sent a sticker of a dog waving a ‘sleep well’ as a reply. Honestly, I didn’t know how to feel.

The only thing I knew was that I had become wide awake.

Until just before we started texting, I was craving for a good sleep, but now I couldn’t even close my eyes.

My heart seemed to beat a little faster.

I knew these symptoms well.

No, it wasn’t because I had experienced it before.

Rather, I never even imagined that I would experience something like this.

I thought I would never have to deal with it in my life, and I also thought living the rest of my life alone wouldn’t be so bad.

However, my sixth sense, honed from devouring everything from romantic comedy anime to pure love manga and romance web novels, was pointing in one direction.

Wow… Did I really just say that…?

A chuckle escaped me.

Han Taemin’s disease.

It was precisely the ‘Denial Phase’.

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