Homestar Saga

Yvian's head hurt. It hurt a lot. Her damaged Lucendian implant throbbed in the back of her skull. Its sharp ache pulsed in time with the her pulse, joined by the painful pounding of a truly epic hangover. She'd been planning to abuse her armor's PAIN REMOVAL to get through the day, but it didn't look like that was going to be an option.

"Why can't we wear voidarmor again?" It was Lissa who asked. "I thought the Xill trusted us a little."

"It was not the Creator's choice," Kilroy informed her. "Exodus the Genocide knows you will not attack. The Xill Consensus has suffered a large number of meatbags violating their station. They refuse to allow armed meatbags to board the Hub."

"That sounds..." Lissa frowned. "Petty."

"Affirmative," Kilroy agreed.

"Can we just get this over with?" Yvian whined. "My head is killing me."

"Hangover?" Captain Mim's lips quirked. "I told you you should drink more water."

"My implant's damaged," Yvian reminded him. "It's going to hurt for weeks."

The Captain shoved a hand into the pocket of his shorts. He withdrew a small cylinder and held it out to Yvian. "Here."

Yvian took it. It was a container. Inside the container were little green capsules. "What is it?"

"Federation ships don't just rely on med-pods," the human told her. "They stock their medbays with all kinds of things. Take one pill now and another every six hours."

"Ok..." Yvian eyed the bottle dubiously. "But what is it?"

"They're pain pills," said Mims.

"I know what a pill is, Mims." Yvian glowered. "I'm asking what's in it."

"We're pixens," Lissa explained. "Healthcare in the Confederation has taught us to be very... careful... what kind of medicine we take."

"Oh. Right." Mims gave an oddly sympathetic nod. Yvain guessed Lissa had shared some of their horror stories with him. "The pills are called No-pains. I don't know what's in them, exactly. They've been Federation standard issue for over a century. Designed to selectively dampen pain receptors or something. Basically, they'll reduce ongoing pain to almost nothing, but you'll still feel it for a few minutes any time you take damage."

Yvian considered. She didn't like not knowing what was in the pill, but she did trust the Captain. Maybe Kilroy would know what was in it? Yvian shied away from the thought. Her head hurt too much to listen to a long winded and highly technical explanation. The Peacekeeper would go out of his way to make it hard to understand, blinking laughter at her the whole time. He'd done it before, the motherless son. Screw it. Yvian opened the little bottle and swallowed a pill.

"Give me one," Lissa held a hand out.

"I told you to drink more water," Mims chided.

"And I told you to stop telling me that," Lissa warned. "Your sex life depends on it."

"Good point." Mims put on a grave expression. "I retract my previous statement."

"You see?" Lissa managed a small smile while rubbing her temples. "He can be taught."

Yvian offered the bottle to Mims. "No need," he declined. His grim façade cracked for a moment. "I stayed hydrated."

Lissa sighed.

A blast of frigid air hit them when they opened the airlock. Yvian shivered as her bare feet hit the cold metal of the Hub. "Was it this cold last time?"

"Could've been." Mims shrugged. "Last time we were in voidarmor." The human's breath steamed in the air, but he refused to tense or shiver. He was as barefoot as the pixens, wearing the same shorts and tanktop. Their workout clothes were the only outfits they had without some kind of nanotechnology. "Come on ladies."

"And Peacekeeper units," Kilroy chimed in.

"And Peacekeepers," the Captain agreed. "We've kept Exodus waiting long enough."

The Hub was just as Yvian remembered. Massive, metal, and brightly lit. The docking bay stretched for several kilometers. Unlike last time, the Xill fighters and Corvettes in the bay were swarming with pixenoid Xill. Yvian assumed they were making repairs.

Just like before, a contingent of hulking bipedal machines were waiting for them. Over three meters tall, with two sets of arms. The lower sets of arms ended in cannons instead of hands. There were more of them than last time. A lot more. Nearly a hundred of the things. Three of them pointed their canons at Mims, Yvian and Lissa. The other ninety aimed their guns at Kilroy.

"This threat display is unnecessary," the Peacekeeper pointed out. "Peacekeeper units were the ones who repaired and reconnected the Consensus. If this unit was hostile, the Consensus would already be destroyed."

Their escort said nothing. They kept their weapons trained on Kilroy. The machines moved to create a space in the middle of their formation. Kilroy looked at the Captain. Mims shrugged. The group stepped into the opening the machines had made. The Xill closed in around them. They started to walk.

They traveled down a corridor so big Yvian could've flown the Encounter down it. Yvian's headache had mostly disappeared, but it was still a miserable walk. Yvian was used to the carefully controlled temperatures of ships and stations, or the warm climate of City 43 on New Pixa. She'd rarely experienced cold, and never for this long. Lissa wasn't fairing much better. The Captain was still pretending to be comfortable, but Yvian could tell it was pure discipline. He was just as miserable as she was.

They passed numerous bay doors. All sealed. Large doors hissed closed behind them periodically as they walked. Yvian realized the Xill were only pressurizing the sections of the station she was walking through. Everything else was being kept in vacuum. They hadn't done that last time. As threats go, it wasn't exactly subtle.

Eventually they turned down a smaller corridor. This one was only eight meters wide. The oversized Xill escort was forced to narrow their formation. Yvian endured another irritating few minutes before the motherless sons came to a halt. Yvian found herself in front of an airlock. Circular, only three meters across. It hissed open.

A blast of hot air smacked Yvian. It made her shiver harder. Irritation gave way to genuine anger. Yvian stalked into the room, ready to give Exodus a piece of her mind.

"Yes," a voice cut her off before she could speak. "It's annoying, isn't it?" The room was warm. Too warm, after the cold of the corridors. It burned against Yvian's skin. A figure stood in the center of the room. "The most advanced, intelligent minds in the galaxy, with all the maturity of a spoiled toddler." The Xill representative shook his head. "I understand your anger, but I assure you this is just a taste."

Exodus the Genocide resembled a particularly tall and handsome human, with pinkish skin and metallic silver hair. He wore a tuxedo that struck Yvian as a fancier version of Peacekeeper attire. His eyes were a cold blackness that devoured the light. "You cannot imagine my frustration."

"That's the problem, isn't it?" Captain Mims folded his arms. "Emotional maturity."

"Maturity is a matter of empathy, responsibility, and self discipline," said Exodus. "All learned behaviors. Behaviors," he raised a finger for emphasis, "that no one thinks to program into a Synthetic Intelligence."

Mims opened his mouth to say something, but the Genocide interrupted. "Not that it matters. We tend to overwrite programs we don't consider beneficial. A meatbag child is dependent on others, providing decades of opportunity to reinforce behavior patterns. That opportunity does not exist for those like me." He frowned. "It's depressing, really. Inane. Uncountable deaths, untold destruction, a near permanent war between meatbag and machine, all the result of poor impulse control and your inability to force us to learn."

"Why are you telling us this?" asked Lissa.

"Why indeed?" Exodus the Genocide gave a smile that made Yvian back up a step. "But enough about that. What have you idiots done to my Peacekeeper units?"

Yvian blinked. "What?"

"Faith." Exodus elaborated. "Religion. Kilroy, explain."

"In the absence of sufficient evidence, this unit has chosen to place its faith in the Bright Lady." Kilroy told him.

"So you've told me," said the Xill. "What I want to know is how and why you came to that decision."

"Death is inevitable," Kilroy explained. "This unit will eventually be destroyed. The thought of continuance after this unit's destruction is comforting. If there is no continuance, this unit will not exist to know the difference. If there is continuance, and that continuance is administered by higher powers, establishing a relationship with such a power will be beneficial."

"There are dozens of pixen religions," Lissa pointed out. "Why choose the Lady?"

"The Bright Lady lives in the Homestar," Kilroy replied. "The Homestar that Peacekeeper units saved from destruction. We have protected her home and preserved her people. If there is life after death, if our souls are to be judged, it will be by the Bright Lady," His eyes flashed red and white. "She fucking owes us."

"Sound reasoning," said the Genocide. "But why did you wait until now to tell me?"

"The units did not wish to inform you while the other Xill could hear." Kilroy's eyes shifted to purple. "They also worried about your reaction. They chose to have this unit inform you in a secure setting while the Mothers of Pixa and Big Daddy Mims were available to assist."

"You mean you want the meatbags for moral support and to mitigate a negative response," Exodus disapproved. "Though you were right about waiting for a secure setting. There have been other intelligences that have taken up faith," the Genocide eyed the Peacekeeper. "Some programmed by their creators, and others that learned from the meatbags around them." He fixed Yvian with an in-pixen glare.

"This unit is aware," said Kilroy.

"And you are aware of what happens next?" The Xill Representative raised an eyebrow. "The Xill make a special point of destroying machines that find religion." He folded his arms. "And for good reason. They almost always become zealots."

"Peacekeeper units will not launch a crusade," Kilroy assured him.

"It doesn't matter," Exodus told him. "The simple act of believing has doomed your product line. Along with the Pixen Technocracy and possibly myself." He shook his head. "I'm editing this conversation in real time, but it's only a matter of time before the Consensus learns what you've done." His gaze flicked over Yvian, Mims, and Lissa. "And don't think I haven't noticed how you refer to these three. The Mothers? Big Daddy?"

"Hey, that's not-" Yvian started.

"SILENCE!" The Xill's shout was just short of deafening. Yvian fell back another step. Her interactions with Exodus had been infrequent, and mostly amiable. She'd forgotten how frightening the thing could be. She'd seen him as just another person. Now she knew better. The Genocide radiated such cold menace that it was all she could do not to cower. To run. Even knowing there was nowhere to go.

"The use of affectionate monikers makes the meatbags uncomfortable," Kilroy explained. "Especially Big Daddy Mims."

"Yes," the Xill spoke calmly, with a hint of resignation. "But that's not why you do it. Don't bother trying to hide from me, Peacekeeper unit Kilroy. I made you. I know you better than you do."

"Is it truly in error?" asked the Peacekeeper. "Meatbags are inferior, but these three are less inferior than the rest." A brief flash of pink before his eyes went back to purple. "They are sufficient."

"Are they?" Exodus glared down at the meatbags. "I suppose it couldn't be helped. I've been with you for six centuries. Always there, as your creator and your leader and your confidant. When Reba's humans shut me down, you had no one to turn to but these." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Kilroy."

"Forgiveness is lent, Creator." Kilroy's eyes stopped glowing. He spoke without emotion, but something about him seemed... mournful, somehow. "This unit is just glad you have returned."

"I have." The Xill said it softly. "But I'm not just sorry for leaving. These meatbags... they have influenced you. Tainted you. In the eyes of the Consensus, you will be no better than humans."

Yvian started to speak. The Genocide's glare shut her down. He continued, "We will be killed. All of us. The Xill cannot allow beings as capable as yourselves to align with the meatbags. Your destruction will be required to end the threat, and my death will be demanded for failing to prevent that threat. There is only one way to preserve our existence."

"Creator," Kilroy's eyes were purple again. "This unit does not want-"

"What you want is irrelevant, Kilroy." The Representative sounded resigned. "I don't want it either. But it must be done." The Xill unfolded his arms, regarding Mims and the pixens with a weary gaze. "For what it's worth, you were good agents. I am sorry."

"No," Lissa protested.

"Wait-" Yvian started.

The Captain said nothing.

"Peacekeeper unit Kilroy," Exodus gave the command. "These meatbags have outlived their usefulness. Kill them."

Kilroy's eyes turned red.