Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

It was a somber moment.

The sounds of a funeral dirge echoed somberly through the Thirsty goat as the grumble of dwarves sang in unison.

“Now you are the age you are,

Your demise cannot be far.

So raise your cup of bitter cheer

It may be your final beer.

Happy Birthday! Huah!

Happy Birthday! Huah!

There’s gritty beer and mutton meat,

And while your beard had gone to gray

It all fell out just yesterday.

Happy Birthday! Huah!

Happy Birthday! Huah!

Your throwing arm is strong and true

Too bad your eyesight’s failed you.

You've no wife and a dry throat,

So we brought a unigoat.

Happy Birthday! Huah!

Happy Birthday! Huah!

Birthdays come but once a year,

marking time as Death draws near

It will come before the dawn

Now's the time to party on!

Happy Birthday! Huah!

Happy Birthday! Huah!”

“Fun song, Pete. Did you write it?” Aqua said with approval as everyone cheered.

I shook my head. “Eh, no, but it’s copyright free. The writer of the Viking Birthday is a mystery, actually.”

“Copy…right?”

“It’s a really old Ability. I have it on good authority that it isn’t given out anymore.”

“I thought the song was from your world… And on good authority from whom. Have you been chatting with Gods again?” Her eyes narrowed with suspicion. I just waggled my eyebrows at her and she sighed. “Just cut the meat.”

That’s right, it was time for the traditional dwarven lamb cake! Given that dwarven sweet tooths weren’t overly common, the birthday traditions were a bit different. Instead of cake, there was a massive hunk of ground lamb that was baked, broiled, and sauteed in spices. It was formed into a large circle, then covered in a thin layer of red-coloured erdroot paste to give it a ‘festive’ atmosphere. In my opinion, the result looked more like something out of Silence of the Lambs than a birthday party.

Though admittedly, the lamb was silent.

I pulled out the big cleaver and held it up. “Friends! Kinshasans! Countrymen! Lend me your ears! Thank you so much for coming to this, my birthday!”

The crowd cheered, such as it was. Dwarven birthdays just… weren’t that important. When you lived to 700, they kind of lost their luster. The whole family was in attendance though! The entire Thirsty Goat crew (now including the Diggers) as well as Whistlemop and his [Butler]. Oh, and Rumbob.

With everything involving the Redlip riot and the guild sorted, I’d had time yesterday to finally sit down with Whistlemop and talk. Yes, like actual adults. [Friend: Gomes] had helped turn what promised to be an awkward conversation into a relatively cordial one. We vented our grievances, promised to do better, and made up. We both understood where we were each coming from – his penny pinching had helped kick off a massive riot, and I had technically abandoned him to possible doom. However, he wasn’t totally to blame, and I hadn’t left him in any real danger, so forgiveness was possible.

And we needed Whistlemop right now! Especially with the changes in the Guild!

“It’s been an incredible few years,” I continued. “It was a scant three years ago that the Thirsty Goat was on the verge of bankruptcy, and Balin and I were penniless miners. Now we’re posed to be the most famous Brewery in Crack! Fer Crack and Annie!”

I stabbed the large cleaver viciously into the lamb cake, a gleam in my eyes. Muhahahaha! At last! The Guild had finally broken! Yes, we were banned from sharing our Ancestral Seed, and we couldn’t make Sacred Brew, but so what! We were only brewing that crap because we were expected to! We still had Goldstone Ale, Liquid Gold Blonde, Ass Blaster Brown, The Umqombothi, Dragonator Bock, Barista Brew Stout, Kinshasa Brew Gose, and now lagers were open to us as well! That was more than enough for us to be at capacity!

I felt bad for Schist, of course. We’d tried to offer him some help, but he’d declined. He’d said it was the best thing that could’ve happened to him as a [Brewer]; maybe he’d finally get out of his rut and start getting Milestones again.

Speaking of Milestones, following the announcement from the Guild, and the sale of my book, ‘On Brewing’, my quests had been off the hook. The dwarven fascination with Sacred Brew had finally been set free, and it wasn’t just them! With our beer now being shipped to Awemedinand by Joshua, and some curious Humans in town starting up brewing, I now had the complete set! Minus dragons, of course.

Quest Updated: Dwarven Influencer Part 8/10

The dwarves need your help. Influence 2,000,000 dwarves with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Dwarves Influenced: 1,256,173/2,000,000

Rewards: 1 x Deific Revelation

Quest Updated: Gnomish Influencer Part 7/10!

The gnomes need your help. Influence 1,000,000 gnomes with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

Rewards: Karmic Reversal x 1

Quest Updated: Elven Influencer 1/10

Dunno how well this gonna go with just beer, to be honest.

Maybe some wine?

Elves Influenced: 824/2,500

Rewards: [Adjust Taste]

New Quest: Human Influencer 1/10

Giants have giant tastes, and I’m looking forward to a beer that can satisfy them!

Humans Influenced: 1563/2,500

Rewards: +0.5 Charisma, +0.5 Dexterity

I probably shouldn’t have been surprised by the massive gnomish influx of Brewers. While they still couldn’t legally become [Brewers] or join the Guild (something Harmsson claimed he sought to change), they could still try their hands at a new craft.

And if there was anything gnomes were, it was curious and industrious.

Among those gnomes was a certain beanie’d buddy of ours. Copperpot sent word to congratulate us and notify us that he was going to start brewing more beers unilaterally. He still wanted us to act as an umbrella, but he wanted to try some new brews of his own. Apparently he’d been thinking of retiring from the University for several years, and Brewing would be a fun past-time for him in his old age.

Good for him! Retiring to become a Brewer was a time honoured tradition!

The joy of seeing all these new brewers wasn’t my only reward, of course. My stats had ticked up on their own during negotiations with the Guild, and I’d gotten a regular Milestone! I now had one extra charisma, and a choice to make.

Milestone Gained!

For instigating sweeping changes to a Guild Charter that has lasted over 800 years, you have completed a Milestone. Please choose from one of the four following Abilties.

Please accept one of the following:

Possible Milestone: [Project Voice]!

You are often the center of attention, or feel the need to be. Gain the Ability to increase the volume and range of your voice.

This Ability is always available and can be turned on or off.

Accept [Project Voice]?

Yes/No

Possible Milestone: [Public Speaker]!

You are used to speaking to crowds, and can charm even a bullywog from its bog. This ability increases your Charisma by 4 while talking to a crowd of more than 8 people..

This Ability is always available and can be turned on or off.

Accept [Public Speaker]?

Yes/No

Possible Milestone: [Unbending]!

You refuse to bend to the will of others. Do whatever and let no-one stop you!

Prevents mind altering Abilities from working on you.

This does not affect the natural effect of high charisma.

This Ability is always available and can be turned on or off.

Accept [Unbending]?

Yes/No

Possible Milestone: [Rule Breaker]!

You are used to breaking the rules, but somehow keep getting away with it. Reduces the likelihood that others will notice you while you are breaking the rules.

This Ability lasts for eight minutes and can be used twice a day.

Accept [Rule Breaker]?

Yes/No

I’d immediately jumped at [Rule Breaker], but with the changes in the Guild I wasn’t sure it was as necessary anymore? And, of course, [Project Voice] was a mainstay that everyone important seemed to have….

I’d just leave it until a vital moment and then grab the Ability I needed for a Deus ex Machina.

Ha! No, that was dumb. I immediately chose [Unbending]. I’d been wanting something to prevent anyone from affecting my mind, and while there were magical charms for it, they were limited use and needed constant recharging.

I passed out the plates of meat and smiled as I looked around the room. Everyone was happily devouring Bran’s spiced lamb. It was a bit heavy on the thyme for my taste, but it wasn’t that bad. I washed it down with some of my custom hopped Liquid Gold and sighed with pleasure.

Other than the riot, things were going quite well with the release of Dragonator! It was especially big with the pro-wrestling and hitball crews. Richter had figured out how to change the colour of the smoke, and now fans would belch out streams of team-coloured smoke each time there was a goal.

On the other hand, Schist’s brew was turning out to be quite popular with adventurers and miners. Their time breathing in dust and salt left many of them with wrecked tastebuds, and they appreciated the fact that they could actually taste his brew.

It was technically neck and neck, but I was pretty sure we were going to win. His was ‘hotter’ but ours hit ‘harder’.

“Pete!” Johnsson called, drunkenly from across the table. He was already sloshed on some Dragonator. “What were birthdays like in yer - ah - hometown!”

I winced, thankful that he hadn’t just blown my cover in front of Bando and Rumbob. As a [Tavernic Counselor] Rumbob no doubt had [Keep Secrets], but Bando was a living breathing secret liability. All the same, I was thankful for Johnsson’s question. By now the entire Goat knew of my assignment from Aqua to talk about my past and come to terms with it.

I took a sip of Liquid Gold before answering, taking the moment to collect my thoughts. “They were quite a bit bigger. It wasn’t just the Clan that was invited, but close friends, and even neighbours. The guests were all expected to bring a gift, usually wrapped in pretty paper, and the birthday person would tear them open in front of everyone to see what they got.”

“Oooh! I like gifts! We should do that too!” Aqua said with excitement.

“You’re just saying that ‘cause yours is next.” Annie scolded.

“I still remember my daughter’s first real birthday.” I reminisced. “She wanted a chocolate unicorn cake, with rainbow sprinkles. We played ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ and had a bouncy castle.”

A half-dozen hands went up and I sighed. “Chocolate is a sugary treat, sprinkles are the same, ‘pin the tail’ is same as ‘pin the beard’, and a bouncy castle is exactly what it sounds like. They’re all, uh, northern specialties.”

“You owned a castle!?” Bando asked with astonishment.

“Rented one.” I corrected, absentmindedly. “Godsawfully expensive too. Caroline pitched a fit. But I promised, and I never broke a promise to my daughter.”

“What was your daughter like?” Aqua asked, in a tone I recognized from our therapy sessions. I shot her a look, then took a deep breath and answered.

“She was a real handful when she was younger. She liked to climb and hang on things, and she fell a lot. I’m amazed she never broke anything.”

Bando nodded. “Musta fallen on her head. Lucky.”

I nodded sagely. “She had blue eyes and dark hair, and she always loved playing practical jokes. Her favourite game was to say ‘guess who’, ‘monkey poo’. Always got a laugh out her ma and me.”

Aqua smiled softly. “She sounds sweet.’

“She was. I’m happy I was able to give her such a happy childhood. She grew into a fine young… dwarfess.”

The evening continued like that, with me telling stories of my old family to my new one.

Another year down, six hundred or so more to go.