Becoming the Luna

After a considerable while of sobbing, the tears dry out and I'm left sniffling and shuddering with the force of my crying fit. I wipe my face on the edge of my shirt and compose myself.

I would have to take a cab back home because walking was out of the question, I'm too exhausted anyway, the crying had taken its toll on me. 

The taxi ride was short and uneventful which was just fine for my present mood, I get down and pay the cab driver and walk up to the white picket fence with an equally white gate.

The front yard was filled with synthetic grasses and flowers while back was literally a forest, a natural one.

I walk straight to the clay vase beside the door and dip a hand inside, there was always a spare key there in case Shana or Virgil came over when there was no one home.

The thought of Virgil's name made my heart constrict, it wasn't a nice feeling.

I unlock the door and trudge inside, I drag my bag on the ground beside me, tears already filling up my eyes again.

Seriously, I thought I ran out.

I furiously wipe my eyes, suddenly angry at myself for weeping over a boy that didn't even regard me in the way I wished for.

Apple meows to me when I walk in and I discard my bag to pick her up, petting her grounds me and I start to talk.

"Hi Apple." I whisper in a shaky voice hugging her close. "Did you miss me? School was horrible today." I laugh wetly.

"I mean today started as a horrible day too but school was the worst." I take off my shoes and climb properly on the bed, still holding my pet who is content to remain on my lap and share body heat.

"I want to believe it's a lie." I continue, petting her in a continuous motion of even strokes that makes my upcoming crying fit calm down enough for me to breathe.

"I want someone, anyone to tell me that it's a lie." I hug Apple tighter, tears still dropping. I look down and notice the wide wet stains on my shirt and let out a muffled groan, no wonder the cab driver had been looking at me weird.

"It was so easy to believe you know." I murmur to Apple, a sad smile on my face. "That we'd grow up and get married, that things would remain simple." I run out of words at this point and just sit there quietly, watching the forest from the side window in my room.

"Are you hungry love?" I ask, needing to direct my attention to something or someone other than myself.

As I get up and pad down the stairs in my fluffy indoor slippers, a shard of urgency passes under my skin. The house suddenly seems claustrophobic, I needed a walk.

"I need a walk." I say out loud to Apple after giving her a bowl of milk, there was another blanket filled basket in the living room so she would just nap there.

I take my phone out of my pockets and put it on, I had lots of messages from my friends. I check the time and my eyes widen, it was already 10 am.

Which means I had to hurry up or they would come and check up on me in the house, quickly I rush up the stairs and change my shirt, exchanging my comfy jeans for shorts.

"Shh." I whisper conspiratorially to Apple who was contentedly lapping up milk and slip out the door.

I drop the key back in the vase and start off for the forest, I would have preferably hidden out at home, they would never have thought to check my mom's room but I'm too restless to remain inside the house so I'm taking a hike, something I've never done all alone before.

Today seems to be a day for first times, for the first time I realize that Virgil is not mine, maybe that's why I'm such a mess.

I quickly make my way to the mouth of the forest, there's a hiking trail and at this part, the trees are still far apart so it gives it an airy, open feeling. Which was exactly what I needed at this point in time to soothe my restlessness.

I walk leisurely for a while, any faster and I'll have to be stopping to rest every 2 minutes, just taking in the scenery and trying to empty my head of thoughts.

The constant crying I've been doing all morning is starting to take its toll on me as I can feel a slight throbbing behind my eyes, a warning of an impending headache.

I walk on in the soothing silence of the forest, just random thoughts in my head about nothingness. It's not entirely silent though, the sounds of the forest are alive, the soft rustling of the few fallen leaves under my feet, the gentle tweeting of the birds high up in the trees, the rustling of the wind through the trees.

I've gone really far in now and the forest is always lonely as I'd hoped it would be, the quiet all around me is pulling me into a state of calm that keeps the tears at bay.

It even softens the pain in my heart, smoothening around the jagged edges till it's just a dull heavy weight on my chest. This feeling…

I'm sad.

Overwhelmingly sad.

I start to feel the effects of walking for so long in my weakened state and stupidly I hadn't even thought to carry a bottle of water, even though the creek was up ahead, there was no telling if I wouldn't need it desperately before I get there.

My breaths are coming out in pants but I can't bring myself to stop walking.

I keep walking even though I'm  getting tired, my feet hurts and there's a stitch in my side. My shirt is starting to get soaked through and my throat is parched.

Tears start up again at the foolishness of my plan to take a hike in the hot sun, all alone and without any possible means of hydration but I keep walking.

Maybe it reminds me so much of how hard I hoped and dreamed, knowing it would all amount to nothing.

I should stop now and turn around before I trip and fall, I actually trip but I don't fall, instead, a sharp pain tears through me making me cry out and crumple to the ground.

It hurts so much that I just remain curled up on the ground, trying to breath through the mind-numbing pain. 

There's a funny taste at the back of my throat but I ignore it, letting go of my side in favour of using both hands to propel my limp body up from the forest floor, hopefully I've not wandered too far and can make it back home.

I start to push up but a coughing fit brings me back to the ground, I take my hand away from my mouth to try again but a bright splash of color piques my attention.

I look down at my hand and an involuntary gasp leaves my mouth, my hand starts to shake but it doesn't change what is smeared on it.

Blood.

I wipe my other hand across my face and come up with my blood, my nose is starting to bleed and I had just coughed up blood.

I stagger to my feet, determined now more than ever to get back home, only to collapse against a tree as another coughing fit consumes me.

It leaves me panting against the tree trunk with more blood splattered across my shirt and staining my hands.

My eyes widen in horror at this and I start back, it's getting harder to see and my legs start to weave. On a spur of the moment I stop and tear rips out of my shirt to stuff up my nose and my vision clears a bit.

Luckily I had actually not gotten far and if I squint hard enough I could see my house in the distance, with a burst of energy I start for home, the pain in my side dulled to a pounding throb.

Another coughing fit rips through me again and the pain in my side lights up from the violent movement.

I'm on the ground again and I'm not getting up, tears are blurring my vision and it's getting harder to breathe.

I struggle to cry out for help but my voice just comes out as a gurgle, I don't want to die.

My vision starts to tunnel out on my, even as I struggle to keep my eyes open, I pull out the plugs from my nose so I won't suffocate and that simple action seems to drain me of all energy.

My eyes slip close and I pass out on the forest floor.